I've worked INSANELY hard to re-design my life since I found the word polyamory in September of 2009.
The PRIMARY change that needed to happen (and has been improving by leaps and bounds) was to being honest in my life.
But, one of the things that arose from that changing with me (me being honest with others, with myself etc) is that other people find it uncomfortable because they're used to the "safety net" of pretending. But... pretending and "social niceties" JUST for the sake of "social nicety" are subsets of lies.
Don't get all off track and derail what I'm saying-I'm NOT saying that manners, kindness, consideration etc all get thrown out the window. In fact, I think I'm MUCH more kind, mannerful, considerate etc now.
What I'm saying is, that those things need to come from the heart. If they don't-and you're just doing them because that's "the way it's done"-it's not honest.
So... that's just not "normal". I don't mind being "abnormal"; but I am finding it difficult to socialize because.... I do mind being expected to lie.
AND
I find that I don't WANT to make the effort to make friends. Because I keep realizing that the people I'm opening myself to, are more committed to being comfortable and accepted, than they are to being honest and real.
Right now, my feelings are somewhat hurt.
Someone I really enjoy hanging around has
~been telling me for 6+ months that they'd like to spend more time getting to know me (in person)
~expressed (repeatedly) that anytime I'm in town, to give them a call so we can hook up (including invites w/my kids-which is a BIG deal for me)
So, now that summer is coming, the roads aren't so icy and Maca's in town, I've been going to town a couple times a week (versus a couple times every 3-4 months before).
I texted that I was in town last week and they were busy. No biggy at all.
This week I texted I was in town and was asked to YES PLEASE come by. Directions to their home were texted to me (never been there) and I went with SpicyPea, SourPea and PPea (snowpea)... We had a good time.
After an hour I needed to take SpicyPea somewhere, she had plans, SourPea wasn't ready to go, she was having a blast playing with the other kids there.
This person offered that she could stay, and I could come back and visit more while Spicy was with her friends. We worked out some legistics and I ran Spicy to her drop off location.
On my way back I met up with Maca (who has also been invited repeatedly to spend time with this person etc). We weren't sure how things would work out-so he offered to wait in the van with Snowpea while I ran in to get Sourpea if that would be easier.
But, the response was a resounding NO NO NO, PLEASE PLEASE I miss you, want to see you, please come in and DON'T MAKE ME BEG!
So, we went in, were introduced to the rest of the family and spent 2 hours hanging out. Sourpea had clearly had a WONDERFUL time. She's been begging to know when we're going back ever since.
However, the roommate-who may or may not be this persons lover, and is someone Maca and I are acquainted with-
was NOT happy about Maca being there. Expressed signfiicant upset and concerns to me. A variety of natures of issues-MOSTLY regarding the risks of us being there SEEMINGLY based on the assumption that we were lovers of the person who invited us....
except... we're not.
Could be-but are not for a variety of reasons. I don't expect I will be. Maca was and there's a possibility that he could be again; but at least for the last 6 months-that hasn't been on the table or in the cards.
For example: said to me privately "YOU know that SO and I have always had an issue with starting a relationship with anyone who was having issues in their primary relationship."
Uh huh... I replied that yes I did know that, but it wasn't an issue regarding me, because I'm not having a relationship with either of them (neither of whom is the person who invited us over); nor is Maca...
Seems obvious to me that the implication was that they don't want either of us to have a relationship with the third person-who may be involved with them-I don't know, because since I'm ALSO not looking to be that person's lover-I don't CARE who that person is lovers with.....
Furthermore-the speaker has more of a "friendship" with Maca than with me. SO, why not say something to HIIM (since he was there) if the concern was whether or not HE was starting a relationship with 3rd party?
Beyond that-WHY NOT DISCUSS IT WITH THE 3rd PARTY if you are that concerned? IF it's any of your business who that person has relations with-then it seems to me, since you also LIVE with that person (it's a huge B&B style home owned by the person who invited us-the extra rooms all rented out to friends, including the couple who evidently had issues with our visit).... Why confront me?
On top of ALL of that-I've addressed this issue NUMEROUS TIMES since last June with this person and her SO. That in fact the 3rd party whom I have a tentative friendship with-is JUST A FUCKING FRIEND.
I responded to the somewhat passive-aggressively stated issues with the, already made many times, statement that I was just friends with the person who invited us and while I totally respected their views, they didn't really pertain to me because I'm NOT looking to have anything more than friendship with ANY of the people in that house....
But.... how does this pertain to honesty?
Yeah-I know, sorry, major vent here....
The next day I had a text conversation with the person who invited us over-expressing to me how WONDERFULLY happy they were that we'd come over and how great it was to see us etc. They knew NOTHING about the roommate's upset (I brought it up)....
Today, Maca gets a series of texts telling him that this person is reluctant to get "reattached" to us (due to our relationship issues & that we are planning to move)........
We're talking about a FRIENDSHIP first of all.
Second of all-if you are reluctant, why are you repeatedly inviting us for more time to spend face to face "strengthening" the friendship.
Third-why didn't you bring that up before someone else started having a temper tantrum.
I really like this person. I like the fact that they are cool with kids being around (have one of their own)... I like the conversations we have.
But..... I just cant' get past the apparent lack of full honesty.......
I can't say this is a FACT;
But, I feel like a "dirty little secret" the way the conversations are going. That feeling, wanting to stop being that "dirty little secret" and wanting to stop HAVING a "dirty little secret" is what led me down the polyamory path in the first fucking place 18 months ago.
It's so emotionally taxing that the only people who I don't feel that way with-who aren't family (my family and Maca's are totally accepting);
are in the lower 48 or other countries.