Considering the Concept...Not sure if I want to go further

WonderingWife

New member
Hi there!
My husband and I have talked many times about the concept of polyamory and opening up our marriage, but it's not something we have ever seriously planned on doing. I am bisexual, and he accepts that I may be attracted to other women. He seems completely fine with my acting upon my attractions with other women, but I have the feeling he would not be ok with my acting on my attractions with other men. Which is all very well and good as I would not be one hundred percent comfortable with him acting on his attractions to other women without first discussing it with me. I find myself on this forum because polyamory is a concept I keep coming back to. My husband is very friendly and very flirtatious, but when I tell him this makes me uncomfortable when he flirts with other women (because they often get the wrong idea), he just gets mad at me and flirts even harder (or more than just flirting) in secret. It's not the concept of his finding happiness with someone else in addition to our relationship. That totally makes sense to me. For me, it's the dishonesty factor. Plus, to be perfectly honest, jealousy is a character flaw that I have to fight very hard on a daily basis. I think opening up our marriage could really help both of us. As they say, love should multiply, not divide.
Do any of you have any thoughts/tips, etc. about opening up a marriage? Have any of you done is successfully? What were the outcomes - good and bad?
 
Did you always have the jealousy problems or has your husband's behavior exacerbated it? Has he always been prone to, what sounds from your description, childish defiant behavior, including secretly breaking agreements the two of you have about how far it is OK to go with flirting? These things I would think might need to be talked over pretty thoroughly to decide if opening up will be a good idea.

Have you already looked at the More than Two website or read Opening Up?

http://openingup.net/ and https://www.morethantwo.com/


leetah
 
Thanks for your reply, Leetah! I'm really not sure where to go from here. I'm just trying to put some things together and learn as much as I can.
Yes, my husband is one of those instigator personalities who likes to push people's buttons and get away with as much as he can. He's also pretty socially inept, so I'm not sure whether to believe him when he says that he doesn't realize some of the things he says to other women are completely inappropriate. If he's acting out because he actually does have other connections with other women, then I want him to feel like he can talk to me about it. I love him dearly, and I don't think love is always as simple as "it's me alone or you can move on down the road, buddy." If poly and having the freedom to make other connections is what would make him happy and strengthen our marriage then I am completely open to it.
THank you for the link to those books. I will definitely give them a read through!
 
Learn as much as you can, and discuss it often before you make this decision. It will have to be fair to both of you. I'm not that experienced with this myself, but i will say jealousy will, not may, be an issue. Both of you must be accommodating to the idea that one of you will find a partner the other was not hoping for. I feel for your husband with some of his behaviors, however the purposely trying to get at you can be a problem. If he isn't responsible, given freedom to do more, the opposite of what your hoping may happen.
 
Greetings WonderingWife,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm part of a successful MFM V, so I know poly can work. The only thing that concerns me with your situation is that your husband seems to be prone to be dishonest. He needs to be able to stick within the bounds that you and he have agreed on.

That aside, it sounds like opening up your marriage may be a good thing for you. Keep us posted on how things are going, and we'll try to give help and advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
Jealousy

Jealousy is a relationship killer. It affects the Jealous one and the partner. If both are Jealous, something must be done. Luckily many poly people have gotten through it to the "other side" which can lead to pure joy.
There are books, videos, talks, and coaching which can help. I'd suggest finding Sex3.0 book and video course and other helps. I'm someone who coaches people through Jealousy at fairly low rates compared to therapists. {Don't know if it's OK to mention that}.
 
More links:

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

PROBLEMS TO SOLVE FIRST

These are problem areas I think you could solve first before Opening up.

My husband is very friendly and very flirtatious, but when I tell him this makes me uncomfortable when he flirts with other women (because they often get the wrong idea), he just gets mad at me and flirts even harder (or more than just flirting) in secret.

He's not willing to listen to you and work something out when you make him aware that you feel uncomfortable. You do seem willing to work something out. Him? He just acts out like "You cannot tell me what to do! So there!" That's not helpful in a 2 people thing.

I do not see how this attitude would be helpful if you Opened and became a 3 or 4 or more people thing

my husband is one of those instigator personalities who likes to push people's buttons and get away with as much as he can.

Also not helpful in a 2 people thing. Not considering other people seems to be a thing with him. With more people in the mix, that's more people getting dinged by this obnoxious behavior.

He's also pretty socially inept, so I'm not sure whether to believe him when he says that he doesn't realize some of the things he says to other women are completely inappropriate.

Say he didn't know. NOW THAT YOU TELL HIM, does he keep on doing the behavior? Or does he not listen to you and dismiss it? Since he has a habit of not listening to you and pushing people's buttons, I suspect he knows and he gets off on pushing boundaries and making drama.

If he's acting out because he actually does have other connections with other women, then I want him to feel like he can talk to me about it.

Are you saying he's passive aggressive? You prefer he just talk to you. Instead he gets a crush on some woman and then he acts out at you? :confused:

If poly and having the freedom to make other connections is what would make him happy and strengthen our marriage then I am completely open to it.

This makes it sound like you wish to consider poly so it can be a bandaid to fix certain problems in the marriage.

  • He doesn't talk to me about things.
  • Our marriage is not strong.
  • He is not happy.

Poly has a way of shining a light in all the cracks and magnifying problems that were already there. Before you think about Opening, I think you could work on solving some of these problems first.

I think part of the success of polyamory lies in choosing compatible, capable, partners. Your husband might like the idea of poly, but he doesn't sound capable at this time with all these behavior problems.

  • There is a dishonesty factor
  • doesn't listen to you

  • he will not talk to you

  • doesn't consider others

  • actively seeks to provoke others and push buttons for his jollies

  • says he's not aware when he behaves inappropriately (yet he enjoys provoking others so... I have to wonder if "I didn't know" is his "I got caught" excuse to get off the hook.)

YOUR JEALOUSY

I could be wrong here... please tell me if I am.

Are you sure what you call "jealousy" is actually jealousy? And not a feeling of "unsafe" or similar because you have to live with a person who does all these destabilizing/provoking behaviors?

How can you feel safe, solid, and stable when you live with someone who doesn't listen, doesn't talk to you honestly, is provocative, etc? It's like walking on eggshells all the time not knowing when the next "thing" will hit. :(

It's almost sounding like you are willing to poly just to take some of the heat off you. Or like if you gave him this option then maybe he'd stop behaving poorly and start behaving well and then you'd get some relief. Is that it? :(

Galagirl
 
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When Cat and I opened our marriage we were both already inclined toward poly. The monogamy was the expirement. Even so, we both had some jealousy issues that made it difficult in the beginning. I would suggest learning how to deal with that before proceeding. That is what I wish I had known then.
 
When Cat and I opened our marriage we were both already inclined toward poly. The monogamy was the expirement. Even so, we both had some jealousy issues that made it difficult in the beginning. I would suggest learning how to deal with that before proceeding. That is what I wish I had known then.

I'm not being snarky, but would like to know: How do you learn to deal with jealousy before you actually feel it?
 
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