Unbearable lonliness

becibedore

New member
I've been in a common law relationship with my partner for 10 years now I was poly before we got together but he refused to believe it so I was forced to live in a monogamous relationship for 8 years 2 years ago I found myself attracted to another man and not being able to shake the desire for him negotiated with my partner to have a relationship with this other man acting as a sexual surrogate for us, not really what I wanted and over the next few months I grew increasingly emotionally attached to my so called surrogate then my partner told his parents and they ganged up and threatened the man out of my life. Now I find myself in a similar situation with another man my partner and i have been doing nothing but fighting for weeks, he keeps saying i don't love him and that if i did i wouldnt feel this way and that i love this other guy (whom i've had no physical contact with yet BTW) more than I love him. I have tried to help him understand that this is who i am but he just says i should love him enough to just leave. HELP!!
 
Is there anything good about being with him at all?
 
He is my best friend, my lover, the father of my children, my provider, my rock and my shoulder to cry on. He is worth the world to me, but I can't continue to live my life acting out the role everyone expects
 
Why had you wanted or needed "a sexual surrogate"?
 
I've been in a common law relationship with my partner for 10 years now I was poly before we got together but he refused to believe it so I was forced to live in a monogamous relationship for 8 years 2 years ago I found myself attracted to another man and not being able to shake the desire for him negotiated with my partner to have a relationship with this other man acting as a sexual surrogate for us, not really what I wanted and over the next few months I grew increasingly emotionally attached to my so called surrogate then my partner told his parents and they ganged up and threatened the man out of my life. Now I find myself in a similar situation with another man my partner and i have been doing nothing but fighting for weeks, he keeps saying i don't love him and that if i did i wouldnt feel this way and that i love this other guy (whom i've had no physical contact with yet BTW) more than I love him. I have tried to help him understand that this is who i am but he just says i should love him enough to just leave. HELP!!

How were you forced to marry him? Are you in a country with arranged marriages?
 
I'm just wondering, your tone of your first post seems a little negative, your second post is a lot more positive towards him. What would you like to happen? Can it be discussed with him.
I feel I may have missed part of the story, as i am wondering about negotiating an acting surrogate as well.
 
We had a child early in our relationship so we're immediately labeled a monogamous couple. The sexual surrogate came about because yhat was the only way he would let me have the relationship because he is a large man with a smallish penis so to him I wanted to have sex with this guy because of something physical he lacked, I have never had a lover like my husband he is so skilled but he won't believe me he always thinks it's something lacking in him that makes me find others attractive, like height or weight or dick size. I live him completely except for the way he talks to me as if it's my responsibility to make him a person
 
I love him completely except for the way he talks to me as if it's my responsibility to make him a person

How does he seem to hand this responsibility to you?

Have you spoken with him about this?
 
8733

he actually says that i broke him so i have to fix him.
i talk to him all the time and assure him i love him and that i do everything i can to make him see that but he says i do things out of respect for him not love
 
Have you guys been in couples counseling? Or psychotherapy?
 
It sound's like he definitely has some jealousy issues and either does not understand, or is insecure, with the concept of polyamory. It's not something everyone can do, and the feeling your man is missing something may be difficult to overcome. It was promising he agreed to let you take a step forward, but it seemed strictly controlled.
You have been together for a while, there is a strong bond between you, and even though you care a great deal for him it is unfair to rely on you for his identity. Perhaps encouraging other interests or hobbies that do not include you may help.
Is the county/state you live in one that legally recognizes common law marriages?
 
It sound's like he definitely has some jealousy issues and either does not understand, or is insecure, with the concept of polyamory. It's not something everyone can do, and the feeling your man is missing something may be difficult to overcome. It was promising he agreed to let you take a step forward, but it seemed strictly controlled.
You have been together for a while, there is a strong bond between you, and even though you care a great deal for him it is unfair to rely on you for his identity. Perhaps encouraging other interests or hobbies that do not include you may help.
Is the county/state you live in one that legally recognizes common law marriages?

We live in toronto canada so yeah. He gave up all his interests and hobbies to invest all his time and attention into "policeing" me
 
he actually says that i broke him so i have to fix him.
i talk to him all the time and assure him i love him and that i do everything i can to make him see that but he says i do things out of respect for him not love
Wow, that's a lot to lay on someone
 
he was a virgin and only 18 when we got together, because i was older i had already found my path but he kept lying to himself fearing things he would never let me assure him were unfounded
 
It sound's like counseling would be a good option for him, the less than a man thing does not need to be brought up until he is comfortable with his doctor. Your still being there should be the strongest reinsurance, you would be gone if his shortcoming's were unacceptable to you.
Is there a reason he feel's the need to police you? or is he using it as a way to control
 
It sound's like counseling would be a good option for him, the less than a man thing does not need to be brought up until he is comfortable with his doctor. Your still being there should be the strongest reinsurance, you would be gone if his shortcoming's were unacceptable to you.
Is there a reason he feel's the need to police you? or is he using it as a way to control
I think he polices me because he is insecure and thinks i want to have sex with every person i meet or see
 
Insecure people are often also manipulative people. Not always, of course.
 
Greetings becibedore,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Re (from becibedore):
"He actually says that I broke him so I have to fix him."

You broke him? How?

I hear you saying good things about him in your second post; yet, every other post says things about him that alarm me. Are you sure this man is a good match for you?

I'll follow this thread and try to help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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