PurpleSun - Thank you so much for this conversation and for sharing your painful memories and experiences. I have found this incredibly useful in helping to tease out some of my own emotional responses to thinking about poly. You are a smart woman and I'm really grateful you have taken the time to discuss it with me.
For as long as I can remember, I have considered marriage to be on shaky moral ground. It entails making promises that people have no idea if they can keep at the time. It also entails the treating of the spouse like an object rather than a person in their own right - they become 'husband' or 'wife' - half a person who must (due to the promise they made) keep having the same sort of relationship with their other half until one of them dies. This is not something I'd feel comfortable entering into so I haven't.
I was surprised when I started researching polyamory to find myself experiencing some of the same responses to it as I do toward marriage. It had seemed like such a great thing when Art first talked to me about it. Exactly the sort of thing I'd really like. Then I found myself feeling very differently.
I've talked on here and to Art about it loads of times and eventually came to the conclusion that the only kind of poly I'd be happy to participate in is solo poly. That if being actively poly is very important to Art then he and I need to shift our relationship to one of friendship. He doesn't want to hence our agreement to be monogamous.
Until this discussion, I hadn't realised fully the root of my problems with some models of poly - in particular models where one relationship is primary and others are secondary. I think it is similar to my objections to marriage - to set relationships up that way is morally tricky.
Not so much because of the promising. It's more about objectifying others. If somebody has a primary partner with whom they share their life, with whom they plan holidays and moves for work or when they retire, who they give support to as they study, who's dependants they help care for and who does the same for them then yay. That person has tons of support and a relationship that society sees as valid. This is all great.
What if they don't want to be monogamous? That would make them feel tied down. Why not explore more? What's wrong with more love in the world? And this person has the the love and support of a great primary partner who is their rock.
So they go ahead and meet one or more secondary partners. Those relationships develop. There are dinners together, concerts, 'I love yous' flow freely, the sex is great, sleepovers and getting to wake up together are wonderful. Who could object?
The thing that I see as morally difficult in all of this is that the secondary partners become like objects. Much loved and deeply cared for objects but objects nonetheless. They (like a married spouse) are there to fulfill a role. There are limits on the relationship they have. No matter what feelings develop, they must never expect to have their life entwined with their love's life. The primary partner has that privilege.
The secondary person must find other sources of help and support for their life projects and their caring responsibilities. They cannot expect that somebody who they have become very close to would be there for them in that way. They must not expect to share a life with their partner - no matter how much love there is between them.
To me, the objectification here is a little worse than it is between married people. At least for folk who are married, they have a life partner, somebody to shape their life around. More - they have that in a shape that is acceptable to the general population around them which makes talking to others about their relationship easier.
For secondary partners in poly relationships, things are not that way. The person they love certainly isn't going to shape a life around them. Plus - the relationship structure is such that finding people to talk to about it will be difficult. Most people have never heard of poly and many people who have consider it to be a form of cheating. So finding help and support is just going to be more difficult for the secondary person.
This strikes me as an unkind way to treat a loved one. It isn't something I'd want to be part of - certainly not as either of the primary partners.
I understand that there are enormous societal pressures on all of us to see others as a way of getting things that we want rather than as individuals who matter just as much as we do. I see the pressures and I think that they tend to make marriage and also a primary/secondary approach to poly understandable as something that people are attracted to.
Thank you again PurpleSun for your help in being able to articulate that. I really do appreciate it and I wish you lots of luck in finding what you seek.
IP