Confused newbie needs thoughts and advice.

cheribird44

New member
Hi everyone! Sorry for the long story.

I'm not sure how to start this, so I'm just going to lay out my situation and see what you all think.

I've been in the open relationship role for about 10 years. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 1 / 2 years, he has never been in an open relationship until me. We have a great relationship with amazing sex, so neither of us have had the urge to sleep with anyone else.

Recently, we've been talking about trying a threesome with another woman. The idea of another woman excites me, but I've never been with another woman, so I don't know if it's fantasy vs reality. I don't even know what to look for or how to go about it.

We've also been reading alot about polyamory. We both like the idea, but are afraid other people would take away from our relationship. As well as finding a person that clicks with us.

I guess I'm just looking for some kind of guidance. Benefits and downsides of poly, from people that have been there. First time with a woman advice. I dont want to make anyone uncomfortable. How to go about looking for someone, and what I'd be looking for. (We live in a small town). Any thoughts or advice, please.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.
 
Hi cheribird44,

One benefit of polyamory is that there's more love and variety, one downside is that you're spread thinner and have to figure out how to divide up your time and attention. As far as finding a woman for a threesome, I suppose AdultFriendFinder would be one place you could look.

Does that help?
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Just having a threesome is not poly. If you are going for a triad, good luck finding that unicorn. Personally, I feel there should be no more "couple" in a triad.

Besides, you are not even sure you are bi. Try it out first, then figure out what sort of poly you want to do.
 
Personally, I feel there should be no more "couple" in a triad.

Personally, I feel that their are at least 3 couples in a triad - A+B, B+C, and C+A. Each one should progress at their own pace and with their own dynamic and free to grow, or not, independent of the others.

There is ALSO the A+B+C dynamic - as well as the AB+C, BC+A, and AC+B dynamics (if you want to be pendantic - which I often do).

************************

To the OP (Original Poster) - no, a threesome isn't necessarily a "poly" thing - but it can lead to (or be incorporated in) one. I enjoy 3-some sex within a poly-Vee (my boys are both straight and not sexually involved with each other) not triad.

We have a great relationship with amazing sex, so neither of us have had the urge to sleep with anyone else.

For the record :rolleyes: - some of us have a great relationship with amazing sex and STILL have the urge to sleep with someone else:p. In my opinion, NO one else can "take away" from your relationship with someone else - only the people IN a relationship can take (or give) to that relationship. Time is limited, money is limited, opportunity is limited - love/affection/sex are NOT limited!
 
A threesome is a form of group sex. That, in and of itself, is not polyamory. You say you've been reading about poly, but do you fully understand what it truly is about?

You also say you're not even sure you want to be with another woman sexually. So, who do you think will enjoy being your little experiment while you figure it out? Are you only considering this because your boyfriend is afraid of you having another penis in you? Does he think he owns your body, and won't "let" you fuck another man? If so, those are crappy reasons to try sex with a woman when you don't even know if you would want to.

We both like the idea, but are afraid other people would take away from our relationship.

What do you mean by this? Shouldn't a third person also benefit from the arrangement? How would another person "take away from" your relationship in any way that would be harmful to you and your boyfriend? Do you feel threatened by the idea of someone else getting involved with our boyfriend? Or do you only want someone to be your living breathing sex toy for NSA threesomes without actually having a meaningful relationship with either of you?

What do you want/expect/hope for? And what would the other person get out of it?

What exactly do you have to offer this woman you've been fantasizing about, that would be of any value to her? Or did you forget that she would also have needs, desires, preferences, and a personality to deal with?
 
Last edited:
Personally, I feel that their are at least 3 couples in a triad - A+B, B+C, and C+A. Each one should progress at their own pace and with their own dynamic and free to grow, or not, independent of the others.

There is ALSO the A+B+C dynamic - as well as the AB+C, BC+A, and AC+B dynamics (if you want to be pendantic - which I often do).

***********************

I get all that. The point was that too many couples view the third as an accessory rather than an equal. A triad is three people and should not be treated merely as a couple plus one.
 
If you want to explore sex with a woman, I would advise doing it outside of the context of a threesome, unless you are very comfortable with the idea that it could just end up being your boyfriend fucking each of you in turn while you and she watch. I would say this to anyone wanting to explore sex with a different gender to their regular choice, or a different kind of sex to what they normally have for the first time. Sex with three people involved is already quite a lot of newness to wrap ones head around. Factor in your inexperience with women, and not being sure if it's more of a 'want in fantasy' than a 'want in reality', and it seems like it has a lot of potential for disappointment there.

Honestly? The best way to proceed in figuring out your sexuality with regards to women is probably just to be open to dating a woman on your own. If you meet someone, feel a spark, decide you want to take that to the next level, then great. If you seek a woman with your partner with the explicit intention of having a threeway, you might realise during your first time that sexually you hate it but are kind of being dragged into it anyway. You might also find out that you're freaking out because she and your partner are hitting it off amazingly well. To my mind, that's possibly the worst kind of outcome, and is one that's super easy to avoid if you just take things one step at a time. Step one being 'figure out if I enjoy lesbian sex with a woman I'M attracted to' (not necessarily the same as a woman your partner might be attracted to, by the way, which is yet another reason why group sex can be hard/unbalanced), and step two being 'figure out if I enjoy group sex with my partner involved'. You might also find that you feel more capable of expressing your desires in a one-on-one situation rather than with your partner present, as you won't have the distraction of wondering if he is enjoying himself/is feeling secure. You can concentrate more fully on the woman you are with, and she on you, which I think would offer you a better indicator of whether same-sex sex is your cup of tea or not.

So in summary, whilst I think a threesome with a partner you adore can be a lot of fun, that only seems to apply if you are either a) totally comfortable with it being lop-sided (given your attraction to women is totally untested), or b) all parties are genuinely attracted and into each other. I realise that you wouldn't just be planning this with anyone, and that you might well meet a few times to see if you all fancy each other, but I still think it's wise to spend some time thinking how you will feel if she and you DON'T hit it off in bed. Your partner should do the same too, as who knows? Maybe you and she WILL hit it off so much that you end up forgetting about him, and what starts off as 'every man's fantasy' becomes him sitting on his own feeling neglected! And finally, if the only way your partner is open to this idea is if he's involved, or vice versa, the only way you think you could be happy with him dating someone else is if you are also involved, then you should spend a lot more time talking about why you both feel that way before acting upon it. It really will be a lot more enjoyable if your insecurities, fears and jealousies can be dealt with ahead of time.
 
Again, thank you

Thank you everyone for your replies. They have definitely given us food for thought. I'm an over-thinker, so I kind of skipped over step one and went right into poly. I guess I need to figure out if girls really do interest me and go from there. I appreciate all the feedback, as reading can only do so much. I feel at least like I have a direction now. You are all awesome!
 
Back
Top