What has being poly taught you?

Peacebone

New member
I was wondering if people feel they have learnt much about themselves, how they act, or other things through their experiences of polyamoury?
 
In the very long time I've been polyamorous (aprox 18 years), I've never yet connected in a really strong, bonded, lasting "romantic" relationship outside of the one I have with my partner of twenty years. But, nevertheles, I'm solidly polyamorous in lots of ways. For example, I "date" others occasionally.

One of the main things I've learned through living a polyamorous life is to accept and appreciate myself as someone who does not fit in well with what most people take to be normal or expected. It has taken a lot of practice, really, and I've gotten pretty good at it over time. In general, now, I trust my own inclinations more than I used to. I don't so much look to social norms and expectations as a basis for deciding how I want to live my own life. And when it comes to the moral or ethical questions, I evaluate for myself rather than adopt the expected or popular notions. But it's not as if I reject all social norms willy-nilly. Many social norms in my society are quite sensible and right. So I adhere to those and reject the ones which I find offensive or dumb.
 
Polyamory has taught me that there is a word and a place for me and how I feel.I have leaned that it is ok to not be jealous and that it is not neccesarily a sign of love and affection. It feels like that most natural place to be.

I have also learned that I am not that radical, really - I felt far more daring when I was living monogamously and flirting a lot! My life with two men has a far more settled and sober feeling to it, which I assume is what many people associate with monogamy as well. I can feel lonely, because I have a poly network but generally people don't have lasting romantic relationships or have kids together, which is what I am looking for. It is very much a make the road as you are walking- kind of thing. I do think poly has made me realize that there are no easy answers. I don't think there is nothing wrong with monogamy, and in many ways my life resembles monogamy, but it is like I have discovered my favourite food and now I am so grateful that I get to eat it.
 
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That's easy to answer, through another's eyes and arms

It taught me to see my wife and myself through the eyes and arms of another. A wonderful and powerful thing. And fall in love with all three of us again.
 
Communication skills. To speak up for my needs and wants. Confidence. The recognition that I deserve to have people in my life who care about me and treat me well.
 
In general, now, I trust my own inclinations more than I used to. I don't so much look to social norms and expectations as a basis for deciding how I want to live my own life. And when it comes to the moral or ethical questions, I evaluate for myself rather than adopt the expected or popular notions. But it's not as if I reject all social norms willy-nilly. Many social norms in my society are quite sensible and right. So I adhere to those and reject the ones which I find offensive or dumb.

^^This. I'm learning to trust myself more, rely on social norms less. It can be scary at times, giving up the comfort of outdated belief structures. Kind of like taking a road trip and realizing that your map is outdated by decades and there's no signal for your gps so you have to rely on your intuition, knowledge, and a compass... As a consequence of learning to trust myself more, I've found that I'm more accepting and compassionate towards myself. In turn, this allows me to be more accepting and compassionate towards others. And, of course, the more I rely on myself, the more confident I become. I still have a lot of work that I want to do in these areas, but I can see the progress I've made...which spurs me on to continue the work :)

And, of course, my communication skills are much improved which has improved all areas of my life!

I will qualify this by saying that I don't believe that I learned these things solely because I'm living a poly lifestyle....My divorce was the impetus that started the changes and opened me up to a poly relationship....the poly relationship was the accelerant that speeded up the process.
 
It took awhile, but I believe poly living taught me some humility. :eek:
 
Poly taught me to let relationships be whatever they are, and to value them all. I no longer feel a need to worry about if a relationship is "going somewhere," or how long we're going to be together, or if we're going to grow apart. Everything is fluid, and adaptable, and as long as there is kindness present throughout I count that relationship a success.

I've also lost a lot of my need to label my relationships, and I can let the edges blur and everything can live in the grey and it doesn't matter if we're friends or lovers or primaries or zucchinis because it's all murky anyway.
 
[....] I've also lost a lot of my need to label my relationships, and I can let the edges blur and everything can live in the grey and it doesn't matter if we're friends or lovers or primaries or zucchinis because it's all murky anyway.

Oh, what I'd give to have a nice zucchini in my life about now!:p
 
Poly has taught me that I always need to update my calendar or I will forget when I've agreed to do what. Unfortunately one of the things I keep forgetting to do is to update my calendar.
 
That's one of the reasons I don't keep an electronic calendar. I forget to add things to it. Out of sight, out of mind... I keep printed-out calendar pages on the wall above my desk at home and a datebook in my purse, but those only help if I remember to transfer things from one to the other so I have the same information on both.

Then again, I don't keep a calendar for poly. I don't have enough going on in my relationships to need a calendar for that. I just need to keep track of appointments for Country and me, Country's school events, and my writing deadlines when I have any.
 
Something I wrote to a random OKC match:

"Being poly has taught me that you really can love many people very much and you realize it at the first time of break-up. You nearly cry when you hear a cheesy pop-ballad suddenly from the radio and think about the love you lost when you look at the stars. Things that could happen for a monogamist.

But also, as poly there is a chance you are not alone. In my case there is a person who loves me very much and understands me, accepts me as who I am and supports me. There is still great love in my life even though some of it has been lost. It's the greatest lesson."
 
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