So much has happened on the daughter front since I last posted. It's easy for me to draw a line and take a stance with her until I speak with her. When I hear her side and I cannot stop my humanitarian reaction. There are reasons for her actions and once I get her to share them things don't seem so black and white.
On our way to Trick or Treat, the bf/boss called to say that he wasn't going to pay the purge amount, because he didn't think she'd pay him back. Okay.
Later that night she called me crying and pleading for me to meet her at the hospital, because she was super sick and had gotten the jail to send her for medical attention. I was at B's with Bond and the kids, and didn't have my car there. The kids were sorting candy and dinner was in the oven. The hospital was over an hour away and it was already 8 pm. I refused to rush up there. We had multiple conversations over the course of the night. She had a kidney and bladder and tooth infection going and was indeed quite sick. They pumped her full of fluids and antibiotic before sending her back to the jail. She had an option of either getting the antibiotics out of a pharmacy vending machine or having the prescription called into a pharmacy and the medication brought to her. I opted to have them send it to the Walgreen's by me and take it there myself.
I spoke to her about her turning down the inside job and not showing up for the interview. She said that it was between the welding job and the office job and the timing happened to be at the same time. She thought she was getting the welding opportunity and it paid better and had better benefits by far, so she messaged the guy and told him she wasn't going to come to the interview. That's quite different than what the bf/boss told me. Additionally, she didn't have transportation.
When it came to getting me the case number for her child support, I had forgotten that she said to get it off of CCAP. Well, that's a different case number and it isn't on there anyhow. But more than anything, she said she didn't want me to take that on, too. That she asks for too much as it is.
I had time to reflect on all of this through the night and while I drove to the jail. By morning I had decided halfheartedly that I would pay the purge amount. The night before B had told me I was an enabler and that I should not continue to help her. It was time for her to be responsible for her actions. Bond was in agreement. I recognize my role and yet, it's hard to not respond when it's your kid and you are hearing their pain. So, I was feeling like I had to come to her aid and also feeling like I did not have my partners' support if I took this route. Guilt in all directions.
She hadn't found a job, but two people had promised her jobs and then rescinded their offers. She had a job interview set up for the end of the week as an office receptionist and had asked her grandmother to drive her to it.
I considered how hard it is to live in a rural community without a vehicle. I'm not sure how she could even get back and forth to a job if she landed one.
So, as I waited for the paperwork to follow the purge payment I thought about all of this. It's true that I am dishing out money to her all the time. But her comment about how she hates to ask kept circling in my head. Typically she'll ask for amounts anywhere from $20 to $40, and sometimes up to $100. She asks for what she needs to cover her immediate needs and I respond to that request, which never takes her very far. It's always a "just in time" request and response. What if we changed that? What if I agreed to invest in her for say, three months? What if I committed to financially backing her up front? I had already set up the automatic child support payments, so the threat of jail was no longer going to be looming over her head, but what if I went further to say, I am going to help you help yourself. What do you want to do that will help you create the future you want?
She wasn't released until close to 2:00 pm. I had brought her dog and all of his stuff along. She cried and he cried in excitement when they were reunited. We went to the gas station for some cigarettes and snacks and then took the dog on a short walk. I presented her with this idea. I think it was initially hard for her to wrap her head around it, but she loved it.
She wants to create her woodwork and re-purposed/re-worked furniture craftsmanship. So, I'm going to give her money towards that. It will mean slowing my debt payoff plan for at least three months while I invest heavily into the Megan 2018 Reboot plan, but that's okay. When she was a young adult she could not be coerced into secondary education, and she was so young when she got pregnant, which means we didn't really invest in her the way we did for the boys with their educations. Tragically, this has left her with limited marketable skills. She told me that she is, "retarded when it comes to making her ideas into reality." Well, you can't very easily actualize dreams if you have no means to make it happen.
I spoke to her about being more honest with me. That the lying needed to end. If something isn't working for her that she needs to speak up and tell me what isn't working and why. That we can address the issue and look for solutions together.
We went to the DMV on our way up north Thursday afternoon to get her driver's license reinstated. Another hurdle solved with $60.
I met the guy she's living with (she had a previous relationship with him when things went sideways for both of them the summer before). The next morning I took the two of them for breakfast. We had hoped to be able to get her vehicle into the dealership that day, but the earliest appointment is Tuesday (tomorrow). The plan is to rent a car dolly from U-Haul and a friend of her boyfriend (not the bf/boss guy - turns out that didn't materialize both on the job front or the romantic front) is going to get it to Eau Claire for her using his truck.
The job interview she had set up for Friday that grandma was going to get her to, didn't happen. She contacted them to confirm things and they told her that the position was filled.
She set up a doctor's appointment for the 14th. She needs her hip checked and a follow-up to all of the infection she's currently being treated for, ask for medication for depression and hopefully she'll also bring up the possibility that she has ADD. She's planning on going through the arduous task of getting her Badger Care HMO changed to one for the area she lives in so she can get into the dentist. She needs an eye exam and she wants to find out where she can go for that.
She has been busy looking at projects she wants to tackle and has selected this one:
wood trunk with colored stain
I came across an article a number of months back that said the tough love path may not be the best answer. I just found an
article with a similar message. It supports the direction I'm going with my daughter. I'm going to try compassion and investing in her. I'm going to put in effort to listen to her and not yelling. We need to break the shame cycle.
I accept that this may falter and we'll be no further ahead than we are today, but what if it does make a difference? We've tried the other and it certainly wasn't working. Seems like less shame, more compassion and empathy, and lighting her hope are all good things.