Gathering information about polyamory before putting myself out there.

Jacquielou

New member
Is poly right for me? I don’t know. In March of 2017 I chose to be a celibate for two years. I had been in an ugly, supposedly monogamous relationship for 14 years, and when I finally left I jumped straight away into another relationship filled with red flags. When I ended that after about 5 months I decided enough was enough. I started going to counseling and imposed on myself a 2 year recovery period, no sex, no dating. I hadn’t been single since I was 19. I didn’t know how to be alone, I didn’t know how to be just me without trying to be everything for someone else. I feel like it was a good decision and smart decision given my past and my upbringing, but now the 2 years are almost up and I’m looking forwards. I have no interest in getting married or living with someone. I have 3 children and I don’t want a series of “uncles” or anything of the sort for them. Or for myself. But, I want intimacy, romance, friendship and I know there is room in my heart for more than just one man. I need to be slow and careful and thoughtful, so here I am investigating whether this is potentially right for me. JFC that was quite a ramble.
 
Hello! This post is in the "blog" section, so you are quite encouraged to ramble as much as you want! I am glad that you came to a decision that was good for you in taking a pause in your relationshipping. I hope you find your time here fruitful and you learn what you need to know to make your next smart decision.

Welcome!

JaneQ

(PS. Because this is the "blog" section of the forum, people do not tend to post replies unless they are specifically asked for, people are interested and reading - your thread has 58 views - but don't tend to offer unsolicited advise.)
 
Just a short update

I am continuing to research poly and speak to people already practicing. Everything I’ve learned so far has strengthened my belief that it is right for me. Seeing is truly believing though, so I suppose I won’t know for sure until I actually try it. On another note, I have been feeling a bit of frustration regarding people’s reactions to my decision to be celibate. I try not to let others opinions bother me too much, but lately I’ve been getting a lot of opinion lol. The one that irritates me the most is “you’re acting out of fear”. It’s just not the case. I set this course not out of fear, but out of learning from my mistakes and the mistakes of others close to me. How many people have you seen go from one bad relationship to the next? I know I’ve seen more than my fair share of that behavior. It’s probably just bothering me because of who said it, but it’s good to vent a little. If anyone has any experience with choosing to be celibate or recovering from an abusive relationship I’d love to hear from you.
 
People probably just don't understand because it doesn't fit into their frame of reference. Personally, I don't understand it, either, but my sex drive is somewhere north of nymphomania.

What really matters is knowing you've made the right choice for yourself. If it's something you believe is helping you, then it's a good decision. Unfortunately, when we make choices that aren't mainstream, they're more likely to get blowback, so it's tougher to get validation from people. I'm glad you're getting an internal source of validation at least.
 
...I have been feeling a bit of frustration regarding people’s reactions to my decision to be celibate. I try not to let others opinions bother me too much, but lately I’ve been getting a lot of opinion lol. The one that irritates me the most is “you’re acting out of fear”. It’s just not the case. I set this course not out of fear, but out of learning from my mistakes and the mistakes of others close to me. How many people have you seen go from one bad relationship to the next?

Lots of people do not take the time or the effort to learn from what went south in their previous relationships. Lots of people do, though, they just don't call it celibacy. Declaring celibacy is more strident and challenging to many ears than "I'm just taking a break from dating." "I'm taking time off to work on myself" is something that goes down pretty easy with most folks. Declaring celibacy has a rather militant ring to it. I dunno - just perceptions.
 
I imagine announcing celibacy would be useful if one has friends who would ask "You are not dating but are ya gettin' any?"

leetah:D
 
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