Online dating blows

As a male myself, it really depresses me that so many of my sex fail so miserably at simply being...human.

No women can be just as bad. Madman isn't having that great of a time online him self. Every girl he talks to online asks if she can be his Dom.
 
I think you might have a better idea of what you want in a relationship-thing, than you believe. The trick is finding the right words and personal comfort in expressing it.

So you know you've got a geographical limit in mind because you're not trying to do long distance.

And you know you're not looking for an escalating, primary-type relationship, as you don't want someone to live with now or in future plans and you don't want to have kids with someone, and you already have a husband and value your independence.

And yet I don't get the sense that you are looking for meaningless no-strings sexual encounters, either.

So that's actually VERY specific all in and of itself and weeds out big portions of the online dating population to:

- In your area
- OK with your being married and poly
- Not looking for a wife/mother to their kids/live-in-primary thing
- Not looking for just an easy roll in the hay

What you want is something in between "casual" and "serious" I think. And I sympathize because that is what I wanted in dating, last year, and in fact it's what got me into poly in the first place.

The good news is, it's totally possible.

So other things to think about...

Do you have requirements such as his age or life situation? What if he is married? Are you ok with "don't ask don't tell" or do you need to meet the wife? What if he has kids, is that an issue? Do you want nothing to do with his kids? Do you want to go on Brady-Bunch style family picnics?

One thing I started telling men pretty early on in expressing my "in the middle somewhere between casual and serious" nature, was this:

I need my dates to understand that while I can't guarantee it'll happen, I do reserve the right to fall in love. That doesn't mean making babies or picking out china. It doesn't mean that you're "the one" or my "soulmate." In fact it obligates my partner to no particular response at all, not even to feel the same way. And I might feel this way at any time in a relationship...two weeks in, two years in, it strikes like lightening. My feelings are not cold or logical in their happenings, and I won't play coy and hide them. So if emotions are SCARY to you, or if you are emotionally unavailable, please let's not waste each other's time. I am not interested in "no feelings allowed" arrangements...at all. And no, I do not believe that loving easily makes love less valuable, or "cheap." If you believe this, then it's likely that our mindsets aren't very compatible.

But I didn't have that in my profile at first. It was something I had to learn the hard way. Once I discovered this and found the words to express it, I was actually better able to connect with men who knew what to expect from me and were comfortable enough to interact more smoothly and honestly from the very beginning. Being self aware enough to know your wants, needs, expectations...and being able to express them, is really important.
 
I think you might have a better idea of what you want in a relationship-thing, than you believe. The trick is finding the right words and personal comfort in expressing it.

So you know you've got a geographical limit in mind because you're not trying to do long distance.

And you know you're not looking for an escalating, primary-type relationship, as you don't want someone to live with now or in future plans and you don't want to have kids with someone, and you already have a husband and value your independence.

And yet I don't get the sense that you are looking for meaningless no-strings sexual encounters, either.

So that's actually VERY specific all in and of itself and weeds out big portions of the online dating population to:

- In your area
- OK with your being married and poly
- Not looking for a wife/mother to their kids/live-in-primary thing
- Not looking for just an easy roll in the hay

What you want is something in between "casual" and "serious" I think. And I sympathize because that is what I wanted in dating, last year, and in fact it's what got me into poly in the first place.

The good news is, it's totally possible.

So other things to think about...

Do you have requirements such as his age or life situation? What if he is married? Are you ok with "don't ask don't tell" or do you need to meet the wife? What if he has kids, is that an issue? Do you want nothing to do with his kids? Do you want to go on Brady-Bunch style family picnics?

One thing I started telling men pretty early on in expressing my "in the middle somewhere between casual and serious" nature, was this:

I need my dates to understand that while I can't guarantee it'll happen, I do reserve the right to fall in love. That doesn't mean making babies or picking out china. It doesn't mean that you're "the one" or my "soulmate." In fact it obligates my partner to no particular response at all, not even to feel the same way. And I might feel this way at any time in a relationship...two weeks in, two years in, it strikes like lightening. My feelings are not cold or logical in their happenings, and I won't play coy and hide them. So if emotions are SCARY to you, or if you are emotionally unavailable, please let's not waste each other's time. I am not interested in "no feelings allowed" arrangements...at all. And no, I do not believe that loving easily makes love less valuable, or "cheap." If you believe this, then it's likely that our mindsets aren't very compatible.

But I didn't have that in my profile at first. It was something I had to learn the hard way. Once I discovered this and found the words to express it, I was actually better able to connect with men who knew what to expect from me and were comfortable enough to interact more smoothly and honestly from the very beginning. Being self aware enough to know your wants, needs, expectations...and being able to express them, is really important.

Thank you so much. That is exactly what I am looking for!!

To answer your questions to maybe help better understand what I want:

1. Age: not too much but if way younger or older I don't think I would be interested. Around 10 years either way.

2. Kids: I would prefer it only because I have them and do not want any more. Also it's easier if we do want to do family stuff in the future and I am open to that.

3. Life style: I am stable financially and would prefer him to be the same or at least just be able to pay his own way.

I plan on reading everything you wrote again and make parts of it my own to add to my post. Thanks again I really love the feedback.
 
Online Dating In General Is Difficult

This is especially true if you are poly. The only site I've found that is actively LGBTQ+ friendly as well as poly friendly is OKC.

Further, there are people who lie about what they want to get you into bed, or for whatever other reason. I've had women lie to me about having boyfriends in the mix (I'm a lesbian and this is a definite no-go for me), lie about other things I find to be dealbreakers, or just plain refuse to accept that I'm not interested.

Finding that right person or people takes time and work, and you might have some frustrating or even enraging or hurtful interactions along the way.
 
I haven't posted in a very very long time. I was in a pretty good relashionship and it ended suddenly and no so great I might add so I just stopped looking for a few years.

Anyway back to the future. Rejoined okcupid. Why is it you say you are poly online and guys assume you are a swinger and ready to go. Umm no. I like relationships. Maybe more so than I like sex with other people. I like the Intamacy. The getting to know someone. The courting. Am I that old??

I guess I need to be more direct online and trust me I try but I swear I don't think that stops guy from going straight to the "send me pics of your tits"

Please tell me I am not the only one that has this problem.

You are not alone in this. I have just gotten back onto OKCupid myself after my own relationship died due to communication failure & hurt feelings. My pet peevs right now is I get to chatting with a poly guy and when I bring up meeting suddenly they don't have the time. One guy just Poofed on me, and cancelled his profile. I feel stuck and I want to move forward but nothing is panning out. It's frustrating.
 
This sounds like a common problem. I have quit looking at OKC the last couple of months. My frustration level with trying to explain poly wasn't getting through.
A couple of weeks ago I met a younger lady online that was divorced. She seemed real nice and we messaged back and forth for a few days. I had no problem when she gave me her email address. Things had advanced to an email get to know. Finally we were on Yahoo messenger and got down to the bottom of things. She was getting to understand what poly was. I was told that she had no interest in dating. She was a young mother and after her divorce she wanted to be going out to "See If I Still Have It" She wanted all the sex without the relationship. I never got another chance to have this discussion with her. She just totally disappeared from the internet. Her Yahoo, email, and online profile were totally gone. I wasn't overly shocked but still disappointed. Next time maybe?
 
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