I think you might have a better idea of what you want in a relationship-thing, than you believe. The trick is finding the right words and personal comfort in expressing it.
So you know you've got a geographical limit in mind because you're not trying to do long distance.
And you know you're not looking for an escalating, primary-type relationship, as you don't want someone to live with now or in future plans and you don't want to have kids with someone, and you already have a husband and value your independence.
And yet I don't get the sense that you are looking for meaningless no-strings sexual encounters, either.
So that's actually VERY specific all in and of itself and weeds out big portions of the online dating population to:
- In your area
- OK with your being married and poly
- Not looking for a wife/mother to their kids/live-in-primary thing
- Not looking for just an easy roll in the hay
What you want is something in between "casual" and "serious" I think. And I sympathize because that is what I wanted in dating, last year, and in fact it's what got me into poly in the first place.
The good news is, it's totally possible.
So other things to think about...
Do you have requirements such as his age or life situation? What if he is married? Are you ok with "don't ask don't tell" or do you need to meet the wife? What if he has kids, is that an issue? Do you want nothing to do with his kids? Do you want to go on Brady-Bunch style family picnics?
One thing I started telling men pretty early on in expressing my "in the middle somewhere between casual and serious" nature, was this:
I need my dates to understand that while I can't guarantee it'll happen, I do reserve the right to fall in love. That doesn't mean making babies or picking out china. It doesn't mean that you're "the one" or my "soulmate." In fact it obligates my partner to no particular response at all, not even to feel the same way. And I might feel this way at any time in a relationship...two weeks in, two years in, it strikes like lightening. My feelings are not cold or logical in their happenings, and I won't play coy and hide them. So if emotions are SCARY to you, or if you are emotionally unavailable, please let's not waste each other's time. I am not interested in "no feelings allowed" arrangements...at all. And no, I do not believe that loving easily makes love less valuable, or "cheap." If you believe this, then it's likely that our mindsets aren't very compatible.
But I didn't have that in my profile at first. It was something I had to learn the hard way. Once I discovered this and found the words to express it, I was actually better able to connect with men who knew what to expect from me and were comfortable enough to interact more smoothly and honestly from the very beginning. Being self aware enough to know your wants, needs, expectations...and being able to express them, is really important.