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SgtGossamer

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Hello,

First a bit about my background. I grew up in a catholic family who all had the same ideas about spirituality and monogamy. Basically, I was expected, like all the other family members, to grow up, serve the church, get married, have children, and then die. This idea of life has never sat well with me and so I was always the "black sheep" of the family. Recently, I have been trying to understand my emotional issues and figuring out my spirituality. This is where I hit a wall.

Sometimes I feel like I'm ok with the idea of a poly lifestyle/relationship because I do want to feel needed and do have strong emotions towards a variety of people but I also know that sometimes I'm "too much" for one person to deal with due to my aggressive affection. I have friends who have extremely healthy relationships while still living poly but, I'm having a hard time actually understanding how it works. My catholic background and my trained idea that it's got to be a mono relationship or it's cheating is really creating a conflict within myself.

Currently, I'm in a mono relationship with my son's father and we're happy together but, about a year ago a friend of ours brought up the idea of maybe us 3 change the relationship to poly. I had a major meltdown. All of a sudden I couldn't stop thinking about her and him together and couldn't get the thoughts out of my head that he was leaving me. This led to thoughts like "what's wrong with me" "am I not pretty enough" "why does he want to sleep with other women" "am I going to be left behind" ect. it was tearing me apart and eventually he told her no it wasn't going to work because he didn't want to hurt me like that. As the time passed, I've had a lot of encounters with my family and every encounter is worse than the last.

As of now I am "banned" from the family because of the fact that him and I are not married but we have a child, I chose not to force my child into religion, and I refuse to fit into their idea image. This led me to start thinking about spirituality, sexuality, and relationships. I asked myself if my family is so toxic am I the same way because they raised me? As I am shuffling through these thoughts I remembered our friends offer. Note: I don't have an attraction to said person and would never act on it based on the personality differences. I was curious on why I freaked so hard about the issue and I realized it's got to be my hardwired mono brain. It's not necessarily the whole problem but it's definitely a block that I can't seem to get past.

So I'm just curious how do you get past the hurt feelings of knowing that your partner is out with someone else or having a close relationship with someone else? How do you go about even starting a relationship like that? How do you not feel rejection every time you see your partner's face light up with excitement knowing that you're not the cause of it?

I'm not trying to be offensive or rude I just want to know how one gets to the level of stability to be able to handle a poly relationship without feeling all the loneliness, rejection, sad feelings? Does anyone have any advice how to get me to stop feeling like that? Maybe not to be able to have a poly relationship right away but at least open my heart and mind to the idea and to be able to understand and truly accept it.
 
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Hi, welcome on board. It's nice that you strive to understand youself better.

As you feel so strongly negatively about the possibility of polyamory, I'd say it's good that you aren't going there now. If you find out you want and need monogamy, don't go there at all.

Now, I have never been that strongly jealous. When I entered the relationship I am in, my partner already had a partner, so it was just a given, an already existing commitment. I am not (that) jealous about sex or feelings. I am envyous, if someone else gets what I would like, and I am hurt or fearful, if something takes too much of my partners attention from me.

If you want to conquere your feelings, I'd say go slowly.
Generally speaking, observing your feelings without judging them as bad helps you understand, accept and eventually change. Expect it to take time.

Does your partner have close friends already? Any female friends? Does he have hobbies that don't involve you? Getting used to it may help. If you're ok with your partner spending time with someone else, like friends and family, makes the step towards spending time with a lover not so wide. If you are doing almost everything together? Well, even if you are not heading towards polyamory, you may benefit of taking a little more authonomy each.

It also helps to examine your beliefs, such as "you can truly love only one person", or "my partner belongs to me", or "sex is bad". This seems to be an important belief/expectation of yours:
How do you not feel rejection every time you see your partner's face light up with excitement knowing that you're not the cause of it?
Something like "I expect to be the only source of excitement for my partner". I invite you to see that this expectation isn't realistic - there will always be things your partner likes besides you, be it other people or not. And that's a good thing, isn't it?
 
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I grew up in a catholic family who all had the same ideas about spirituality and monogamy. Basically, I was expected, like all the other family members, to grow up, serve the church, get married, have children, and then die.

As you consider polyamory, you would really benefit by the kinship of other recovering Catholics. Every religion seems to have it's own mind worms (tm nycindie) but Catholicism seem especially adept at instilling guilt where independence of thought creeps in.



(from the above link)
The Twelve Steps of Catholics Anonymous

1) I admit that guilt, shame, and self-denial are not virtues; that they make life less joyous.

2) I came to believe that the power for goodness within myself could restore me to reason.

3) I made the decision to decide for myself what is moral and right, and not to simply adhere to what I have been told.

4) I made a searching and fearless moral inventory to help me understand what was right and wrong for my life.

5) I admitted to myself that I might not have all the answers, but the conclusions I had come to were enough for me at this time.

6) I was entirely ready to stop judging myself and others based on an arcane and often hypocritical religious doctrine.

7) I humbly admitted that I am a mere human being and therefore not arrogant enough to claim that I know all about this supposed god and what it really wants.

8) I made a commitment to be kind, accepting, understanding and altruistic in all that I do, and to admit when I may have done wrong.

9) I made amends with others and myself for all the conflict that religion had caused in my life.

10) I continue to question the validity of religion in my life and the lives of others all over the world.

11) I sought out others who shared my beliefs of tolerance and acceptance and learned from them.

12) I try to be a freethinker in all aspects of my life, and to always be open to new people and new ideas.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

It sounds like you have several layers there.

1) Being ok living your life according to your preferences rather than your family's expectations. Coping with not having a family support system.

Is this why you are so intense about your affections with other people? You long for connection and a support network since you family isn't really there for you? You say they are toxic people. Have you neglected to build a new support network of friends who are NOT toxic?

2) Wanting poly for you.

Here you would be the hinge -- the shared sweetie to both your partners. They would be metamours to each other. (The lover of my lover.) . That is one set of skills. And the easiest part to imagine because you already do it with Partner. Imagining doing the same kinds of things with another partner is not a big stretch of the imagination.

Sometimes I feel like I'm ok with the idea of a poly lifestyle/relationship because I do want to feel needed and do have strong emotions towards a variety of people but I also know that sometimes I'm "too much" for one person to deal with due to my aggressive affection.

If you know you are aggressive in your affection and that puts people off... are you not able to dial it down? Express your affection more appropriately and not so aggressive? What is it you do? :confused:

Are you wanting to have more partners because you want more partners to get to know? Want more commitments? Or because you are afraid of being left behind and want "back up people" in place already? (I met a woman who wanted poly for that -- to have lots of back up people. Not surprisingly, not many wanted to sign up to be her back up plans.)

3) Wigging out about poly for him.

Here you would be the partner (to him) and the metamour (to his other partner.) That is a different set of skills and the one that is harder to imagine.

You seem to be worrying about jealousy and how to deal with it and poly hell concerns. And trying to figure out what shows "commitment" in the relationship if not "sexual exclusivity."

I have friends who have extremely healthy relationships while still living poly but, I'm having a hard time actually understanding how it works. My catholic background and my trained idea that it's got to be a mono relationship or it's cheating is really creating a conflict within myself.

HOW is it cheating to you?

If all parties consent to participate, have an agreement for how to be together, and agree on what open model they want to practice together... how are they cheating? Or WHO are they cheating?

It IS possible to cheat on one's poly agreements. It isn't like poly is magically "cheat proof."

But there it is similar to monogamy. A group of people (in this case 2 people) have come together and consent to participate, have an agreement for how to be together, and agree to practice a Closed model. They can all hold up their end of the stick. And it is possible for one of them to cheat on their agreements too. Monogamy is not "cheat proof" either.

The character, ethics, and integrity of the people involved are what prevent cheating from happening. Not the relationship shapes.

4) Dealing with your negative thought patterns.

All of a sudden I couldn't stop thinking about her and him together and couldn't get the thoughts out of my head that he was leaving me.

He could leave you NOW. He is his own person. Him staying or leaving is up to him. Do you wig out every day that he is going to leave? Or do you tell yourself that you can cope no matter what Life brings? That you have good coping skills and you can figure out a way to handle stuff?

How you talk to yourself matters. Right now you sound like you are your own bully. You have a habit of "talking down" to yourself:

This led to thoughts like "what's wrong with me" "am I not pretty enough" "why does he want to sleep with other women" "am I going to be left behind" ect.

Why are you your own self bully? Why are you not enough for yourself? :confused: Is this inner critic voice someone from your past still talking garbage in there? WHO is this voice?

Are you able to notice when / how do you choose to fuel fears with your thinking rather than fuel coping skills?

I was curious on why I freaked so hard about the issue and I realized it's got to be my hardwired mono brain. It's not necessarily the whole problem but it's definitely a block that I can't seem to get past.

Why do you HAVE to get past it? If you have a preference for monogamy, there is nothing wrong with that. Maybe you come to realize that you enjoy monogamous relationships because you just like them. And you stop attributing it to your family's programming.

IME, adults reach a point in their life where they have to curate. Like "This stuff I learned from my family -- that still serves me well. I will keep those." And "This stuff I learned from my family -- that's been outgrown. I will not keep those." Like cleaning out a closet. You could do that now if you have not done it already.

That said... why do you identify "mono" as the problem to your feeling stable and comfortable in your own skin?

I would have said your habit of talking down to yourself leads to you not being stable on in the inside. And who would be? The inner critic constantly pick, pick, picking doesn't lead to being comfortable in one's own skin. And it is hard to feel proud of that thinking behavior. So it doesn't do much for self esteem either. In order to have good self esteem where you are proud of what you do? You have to start by treating yourself with respect. It's not very self-respecting to be your own bully. It's self-degrading.

If you are not secure on the inside, have you latched on Partner as the source of stability? Rely on them to validate you and stabilize you? Rather than you learning not do wonky think in the first place so you don't rock your own boat? If your partner is your stabilizer (rather than YOU)... the idea of partner having another partner can trigger abandonment fears. Because if they leave you are at sea.

If YOU are your own stabilizer because you do not self bully and you can self validate? Then whether partner comes or goes, you can remain stable. You can COPE either way no matter what happens. So you are less triggered. You and partner get to be together because you WANT to be together. Not because you need Partner to be your stabilizer.

So figure out if you just prefer monogamy because you like it. If so, that is totally fine.

But regardless of your personal relating preferences... I suggest you work to lose that self bullying talk either way.

This might also help some with the self bullying thinking --

https://www.apsu.edu/sites/apsu.edu/files/counseling/COGNITIVE_0.pdf

(continued...)

Galagirl
 
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(continued from before....)

So I'm just curious how do you get past the hurt feelings of knowing that your partner is out with someone else or having a close relationship with someone else?

I do not believe that my partner sharing his time with someone else is taking anything away from me. I also do not believe that him having a close relationship with someone else means there will not be any love or closeness left for me.

I do believe that one can spread themselves too thin though in time management. There are only so many hours in a day. So limiting partners to the number one can actually attend to well is a good thing.

How do you go about even starting a relationship like that?

Same way you would date anyone. You introduce yourself, tell them you find them interesting and you want to get to know them. Talk and get to know each other and each others deal breakers, see if there's anything there or not, and explain what you can/cannot offer them if it goes any further in terms of a relationship.

How do you not feel rejection every time you see your partner's face light up with excitement knowing that you're not the cause of it?

I do not expect me to be the sole source of joy/excitement for my partner.

I already know he wants to be with me, loves me, enjoys being with me. I don't need him to "need" me to be his supply of joy so I can feel indispensable and like i won't get abandoned. Like that will keep him tied to me so he doesn't go away and leave.

He WANTS to be with me. I WANT to be with him.

I'm not trying to be offensive or rude I just want to know how one gets to the level of stability to be able to handle a poly relationship without feeling all the loneliness, rejection, sad feelings?

One has to be stable in of their own selves first. And be ready and willing to experience a wide range of human emotions. It's not that poly people don't ever feel lonely or disappointed or whatever. Sometimes those things happen. But they are willing to feel those things and cope with it should they arise.

Poly people enjoy relating with more than one partner and the intensity that can bring. People who prefer less intensity might prefer dealing with one partner at a time. Both approaches are fine.

Does anyone have any advice how to get me to stop feeling like that?

I believe feelings ensue after behavior. Action behaviors or thinking behaviors. Here they seem to be thinking behaviors.

To stop feeling "less than?" I think you are going to have to stop beating your own self up. You are going to have to be willing to change your mind and decide that you deserve to be treated WELL, and start doing it to yourself.

If you sit around telling yourself you are not good enough -- that you are not pretty enough, you are not enough for him in bed, etc? Of course you are going to feel bad! Who would feel great hearing that all day long? :confused:

Maybe not to be able to have a poly relationship right away but at least open my heart and mind to the idea and to be able to understand and truly accept it.

Are you wanting poly for you? Or because you think if you do it, your partner won't leave?

Remember, understanding poly and accepting poly doesn't automatically mean that you have to practice and prefer poly.

I think not jumping in right now is a good choice. Spend more time sorting yourself out, and reading instead. You could start here with these Opening Up worksheets.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Most of "Love in Abundance" is here as articles.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com and http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html also have a lot of articles.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Hi SgtGossamer,

It sounds like you've unpacked a lot of baggage, but still have more to unpack from your familial/religious programming. Monogamy isn't just a Catholic idea, it is preached in secular society as well. It's hard to get past all of that.

Regardless of whether you decide to practice polyamory in your own life, you can certainly come to understand and accept it in other people's lives. Continue to read (and post) in this forum, and you will start to get an idea of how it works.

Hopefully everything in this thread so far helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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