SweetScarlet
New member
A lot of time has passed since my last post here http://polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73533
To recap, my husband and I have been swingers for years, but I was becoming dissatisfied with that for various reasons, and became interested in having a (BDSM focused, originally) relationship with a poly guy we met a year ago. Husband was originally OK with this, and I went on a handful of great dates with DomGuy last fall, but then my husband got freaked out by it, and said he didn't want me sleeping with him (but "hanging out is fine"). He then deployed for 6 months.
Over the six months I became very close with DomGuy and his metamours and friendgroup. We stayed within the bounds of what I thought was the agreement, no sex, no kink, and even refrained from anything beyond cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie, but as anyone can guess we did manage fall in love.
Over this time away husband has been avoiding talking about DomGuy or any other serious issues. I did not quite grasp the depth of fear and insecurity he was experiencing until I sent him the "Opening Up" book that I had just finished, and he exploded at me that he would "never be OK with Poly, and never be OK with DomGuy". We continued to avoid talking about any issues of consequence for over 6 weeks after his return in July. During this time I had cut back my time hanging out with DomGuy to only seeing him in social settings and the occasional phone call.
A few weeks ago things finally all came to a head when my husband read a few messages from DomGuy on my phone and saw a sad sort-of love letter he had written me. Initially things were headed in a good direction. Husband said he was trying to work through his insecurities, that he was trying to be ok with it, etc, but then later in the week he went into full panic attack mode and has said he doesn't feel like he's important to me because I still want to have a separate relationship from him, and he only us to have shared relationships (which I think is naive). So he's feeling betrayed and left out and hurt because I'm in love with someone else.
So, we've been working on being better friends to each other, as we'd been drifting apart, and having more and better sex, and going on dates etc, but I still am interested in having a relationship with DomGuy but husband nearly has a panic attack whenever it's even mentioned.
While I want to be supportive of my husband's feelings, I already was feeling trapped, and it's probably still just NRE but DomGuy makes me feel like my best, smartest, most creative self, and I'm having a hard time feeling much of anything while I'm with my husband (which I feel like a total asshole about).
I don't know where to go from here.
To recap, my husband and I have been swingers for years, but I was becoming dissatisfied with that for various reasons, and became interested in having a (BDSM focused, originally) relationship with a poly guy we met a year ago. Husband was originally OK with this, and I went on a handful of great dates with DomGuy last fall, but then my husband got freaked out by it, and said he didn't want me sleeping with him (but "hanging out is fine"). He then deployed for 6 months.
Over the six months I became very close with DomGuy and his metamours and friendgroup. We stayed within the bounds of what I thought was the agreement, no sex, no kink, and even refrained from anything beyond cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie, but as anyone can guess we did manage fall in love.
Over this time away husband has been avoiding talking about DomGuy or any other serious issues. I did not quite grasp the depth of fear and insecurity he was experiencing until I sent him the "Opening Up" book that I had just finished, and he exploded at me that he would "never be OK with Poly, and never be OK with DomGuy". We continued to avoid talking about any issues of consequence for over 6 weeks after his return in July. During this time I had cut back my time hanging out with DomGuy to only seeing him in social settings and the occasional phone call.
A few weeks ago things finally all came to a head when my husband read a few messages from DomGuy on my phone and saw a sad sort-of love letter he had written me. Initially things were headed in a good direction. Husband said he was trying to work through his insecurities, that he was trying to be ok with it, etc, but then later in the week he went into full panic attack mode and has said he doesn't feel like he's important to me because I still want to have a separate relationship from him, and he only us to have shared relationships (which I think is naive). So he's feeling betrayed and left out and hurt because I'm in love with someone else.
So, we've been working on being better friends to each other, as we'd been drifting apart, and having more and better sex, and going on dates etc, but I still am interested in having a relationship with DomGuy but husband nearly has a panic attack whenever it's even mentioned.
While I want to be supportive of my husband's feelings, I already was feeling trapped, and it's probably still just NRE but DomGuy makes me feel like my best, smartest, most creative self, and I'm having a hard time feeling much of anything while I'm with my husband (which I feel like a total asshole about).
I don't know where to go from here.