Hello World!

Akito237

New member
Hello!

Wow, these posts are always kind of tricky... I'm just going to unload and hope it comes out clearly.

Okay, so I am in a serious relationship with a wonderful woman, and we've been together for over 8 years now. We've promised to outlive each other, and we've been through all of the twists and tumbles that usually break up a marriage. Honestly, we are more solid than any other couple that I know of personally. If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, you could probably find us calmly going about our business without a worry in the world, because we know we've got each other's backs on an instinctual level.

Okay, that's the good news. The not so good news is as follows.

Jill (significant other) was sexually abused multiple times over her lifetime by multiple people. It has left her with some very serious psychological issues when it comes to having a sexual relationship. Now, this didn't present in her past relationships, because she compartmentalized that part of herself in order to "make the relationship work". So when we first got together, everything was fine on the surface... but ironically, our relationship is the safest, most reliable relationship that she's ever been in, and that has let her dig into her issues. She told me that even though she loves me very, very much, she can't express herself as a sexual being without drudging up all those negative feelings from her abuse.

Which, honestly, is fine. I would rather her be safe and happy than have a sex-filled relationship with someone who hurts every time we do it. So we have been abstinent for over 6 years now. I make due with lots and lots of masturbation. But you know, an orgasm isn't the entire purpose of sex for me. I like feeling like a person that someone is sexually attracted to, and I often need an emotional connection for a sexual relationship to work. I like hugs and cuddles and a surprise kiss and even that look in someone's eye that says "oh yeah, I totally like you". And that's not something I get out of my relationship with Jill anymore.

Lucky for me, Jill is awesome and smarter than me. She suggested that I might take a look at polyamory and see if it's something that I was interested in. Turns out, I am VERY into the whole philosophy of polyamory. Love isn't something that you have to reserve for just one person? Brilliant! It was like everything I suspected turned out to be true! And Jill said that as long as our relationship was the core, as long as it was always me and her together against the world like it always has been, she was okay with me being poly.

And some other stuff happened along the way afterwards, but that's another story. So that's my story! Took a long time getting here, but now that I'm here I'm excited to get to know you all and have people to talk to!
 
Welcome to the forum! :)
I am also new to the forum, there are a lot of amazing people on here! It is a wonderful place to be to explore the world of polyamory ;)
 
Greetings Akito237,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You and Jill are lucky to have each other, I can tell that you do have each other's backs. How does Jill feel about her discomfort with sex? Is it something she'd want to overcome? Would she want to get therapy for it?

In any case, if you're interested in living a poly life and she's willing to give her blessing, then polyamory it is, and gods bless. Take it slow though! Jill may feel okay about it in theory, but sometimes our feelings pull surprises on us when the rubber hits the road.

Work towards increasingly productive communication, and just check up with each other often to see how you're both feeling about things. As for Polyamory.com, it is a great place to learn cool stuff and get good advice. Plunge into our various threads and boards and see what interests you!

I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Thanks for the welcome, guys!

Ken, in regards to how Jill feels about sex, she classifies herself as demi-sexual. She has a libido, she gets aroused thinking about sexual stuff objectively, but as soon as she puts herself in those sexual thoughts, it's a bad experience for her. We're currently trying to find a therapist for her, but the issue is often 1) finding a good therapist whose first instinct isn't drug the problems away, and 2) finding a way to pay for it. While she seems normal most times, she does have a series of issues that make life difficult for her, like social anxiety, that she would love to have resolved. But in regards to wanting to like sex, she describes it like someone who doesn't like ketchup: sure, it would be convenient for others to be able to like ketchup, but right now she can't even imagine how liking ketchup would be like. Maybe someday she will absolutely love ketchup, but right now she doesn't want it on her food.

Thanks for the input! I've been reading a few articles in the Golden Nuggets page and on other sites. I don't know if I'm quite ready to dive in, but I'm excited to get my feet wet in the pool! I am somewhat of a paradox, a shy person who likes socializing, so I'm looking forward to talking with everyone I can.
 
That's cool.

Kinda sucks that therapy is so costly, especially when it's something everyone needs from time to time. I mean even if Jill feels indifferent about sex per se, there still might be some emotional damage in there that hurts her in other ways, and it'd be nice for her to have some relief from that. When you've got a lot of trauma in your past, you have to do some digging.

I hope your experience with poly will be a very positive one, and am willing to pitch in and help any way I can. I dutifully follow the intro threads so if/whenever you need or want to ping me, you can do it in this thread right here.

In the meantime, lots of other members will rally around and make you feel welcome too. I just know that it's a busy, bustling site! So if you seem to get lost in the shuffle, just post again and be on top of the "new posts heap" again.

Much luck to you and Jill both!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
While you have a wonderful set up, be careful of using the term "poly" when describing yourself to others. It's not fair to the other woman or women to pretend that a full, loving relationship is possible when you've already decided Jill will always come first. Be especially honest if Jill can control how often you see her, if she can veto relationships, can control intensity of relationship, or if you're simply primarily in this for sex and have no intention of serious emotional attachment or love. There's nothing wrong with what you want. Just be honest.
 
Well, I'm still new to the polyamory scene, but I understand the gist of what you're getting at. It's also been a pretty common debate that I've seen: what does it mean to be polyamorous? There are some who say that it can be a couple in a relationship, but that they both might be involved with others as well. Others say that a poly relationship means that each relationship branch is as important as the other. I can see the points of both. But if pressed to describe myself as poly or not, I'd have to go with It's Complicated. Because the circumstances involved are NOT simple, and it's kind of hard to sum up. Which is why I'm still a little uncomfortable with the idea of talking about being poly in the real world still... because in order to talk about being drawn to polyamory, I feel I need to explain the entire situation. So instead of diving in head first, I'm here to put the metaphorical foot in the water. I'm here to learn and be a part of a community of like-minded people, and see whether I have any interest in taking the next step.

Thanks for the input!
 
I'll vote for your poly-ness. :)

The main element I've heard of for the definition of poly -- in addition to knowledge and consent -- is romantic/emotional involvement. If it's "just for sex" then maybe it's just an open relationship or swinging or some other kind of (responsible) non-monogamy. But polyamorists can have secondary (in addition to primary) partners. That's my point.

Though the important thing here isn't the terminology; rather, it's that people respect each other's feelings and communicate productively. You seem like a pretty decent type of guy so I think you will do fine.

P.S. Welcome kellymartin612!
 
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