Gay, Bi-, Queer Polyamory

Have you ever thought about moving? There are a lot of gay and bi poly guys in Seattle. I almost feel like a minority here.

To move far away would mean

(a) my partner would have to agree to leave the home of his birth and of most of his 60 years.

(b) I'd have to pull up roots in my lifes's work....

Perhaps we could move Seattle here? Or at least a few of 'em? :p
 
I agree. As a lesbian, poly lesbians are hard to find. Stereotypes come from somewhere, including women jumping into serious commited relationships "u-haul lesbians". Overlapping serial monogamy is more common with lesbians.
And while bi women are welcome in other alternative groups, like swingers because that's hot, bi men are not.
 
And while bi women are welcome in other alternative groups, like swingers because that's hot, bi men are not.

Yeah. Short. End. Of. Stick. LOL. :p
 
To move far away would mean

(a) my partner would have to agree to leave the home of his birth and of most of his 60 years.

(b) I'd have to pull up roots in my lifes's work....

Perhaps we could move Seattle here? Or at least a few of 'em? :p

I'm not sure they could handle all that dryness :rolleyes:
 
New Mexico is the place to live if you love the Sun. ;)
 
Yeah, Seattle is an extremely cool town.
 
What many or most coupled gay men do, it seems, is have sexually open relationships but agree not to get very close to their sex buddies (emotionally, or even socially or in terms of shared non-sexual recreation activities).

Yep. I have tons of gay male friends, and they tend to be what Dan Savage describes as "monogamish." They are often willing to look the other way for sexual dalliances, but they don't identify as polyamorous or tend to have more than one loving relationship at a time. One of my closest friends in a man who allows his husband to have casual sex with other men, but only if it's very casual. When his husband asked if he could have one FWB instead of fucking numerous random guys, my friend told him no. He does not believe that it is possible to care for or be committed to more than one person at a time.

My lesbian friends tend to be VERY monogamous. Even flirting with another woman is grounds for a fight.

The swingers I know are fairly homophobic. Girl-on-girl action is hot as long as it serves for the entertainment of the men, but boy-on-boy is frowned upon.
 
When his husband asked if he could have one FWB instead of fucking numerous random guys, my friend told him no. He does not believe that it is possible to care for or be committed to more than one person at a time.

If my Sweetie were having random, one-time causal sex with a lot of strangers I would be turned off by it. I'd not tell him it's not permissible, but I'd ask him "What's that all about?" If he had a FWB, I'd hope there were a genuine, warm connection with his friend, and would be intensely supportive. If he had another boyfriend, I'd be giddy with joy for / with him, and happy he has another meaningful loving connection.

I seem to be the inverse of most gay men this way. (Not that I'm "gay," exactly. I'd love to have a girlfriend too.)

I think I've always been statistically weird.
 
The swingers I know are fairly homophobic. Girl-on-girl action is hot as long as it serves for the entertainment of the men, but boy-on-boy is frowned upon.

Just putting in a good word for the poor swingers, who tend to get a bad rap around here and other places:

I'm pretty involved with an active group of sex party/swinger/hetero couple-oriented people in NYC and they (we?) very much support guy on guy action if it is known before hand to be welcome between the particular guys. I've been to a number of their (our) play/sex parties, gettin' down with the girls as much as possible, and have never gotten the leering eye from any of the guys. It's a very sex-postive, welcoming, supportive and egalitarian scene - in this group, anyway.
 
'Unicorn' is a popular term in the poly discourse, a "legendary creature" she is called .... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legendary_creature (Definition below).

When I was newer to polyamory, I made the possibly common mistake of thinking there were more of us than there really are, and that gay and bi men were as likely to be poly as any other class of people. Then I discovered, to my amazement, that a gay or bi poly man is a very rare thing -- if he is also fully -amorous (able and willing to form meaningful, loving, lasting relationships...).

To my astonishment, I've found that while gay and bi men tend to be somewhat sexually non-monogamous, they likewise tend to be very intensely "emotionally monogamous." -- meaning not available for meaningful "romantic" relations with other men when partnered.

Moreso, to a vast extent, this reflects "gay" culture in places like the USA, moreso than it reflects honest, sincere tendencies among gay/queer men. In other words, gay and bi men in committed relationships (esp. perhaps with other men) tend to be hyper-conventional, traditionalist and conservative in their relationship styles / approaches / whatever. This is VERY often mainly because they fear they will be abandoned by their husband, partner, lover... if they "come out" to him as poly-inclined, poly-interested.... It is NOT usually because they actually PREFER "emotional monogamy" (see below definition) or the strange divide which segregates "just sex" partners from actual friendships and significant emotional connections.

Now I'm wondering what kind of imaginary creature the gay or bi poly guy should be named after.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

UNICORN: Colloquial; see hot bi babe. Usage: Almost always used of a hypothetical woman who is willing to date both members of an existing couple, agree not to have any relationships other than the ones with the couple, agree not to be sexually involved with one member of the couple unless the other member of the couple is also there, and/or agree to move in with the couple. So named because people willing to agree to such arrangements are vanishingly rare, whereas couples looking for a woman who will agree to these terms are incredibly common. -- https://www.morethantwo.com/polyglossary.html


Emotional Monogamy

Feel free to improve upon this definition if you find a better one somewhere. I can only spend so much time exploring the web for definitions.

"Emotional Monogamy

The idea someone can share their body with others but might not have (or is prohibited from having) an emotional relationship with them. Emotionally they are Monogamous (committed to one person), physically they practice Ethical Non-Monogamy." - from http://polyamoryparadigm.blogspot.com/p/definitions.html
 
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On gay/bi men and polyamory vs non-monogamy, this appears to be changing in my area (among the young gay/bi men anyway.) I actually know of several gay, poly men in my conservative area. They all tend to be younger and many are in poly-fi arrangements, some living with multiple partners even. Also, they don't really get involved in the formal poly groups/meetups in the surrounding cities. But they are involved in the younger LGBT community. I've always thought of lesbians as the least likely to be poly....but there again, I know of a few in my community. Some in my age range even. Of course I realize this is all anecdotal but my area is extremely conservative. There is more of a swinger presence here. The poly community is really small and underground.
 
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I've seen Pegasus for male unicorns. I'm not sure they're that rare though. I know a triad of 3 bi poly men, and I'm part of a triad with another two... But that's anecdotal evidence I guess.
 
I've seen Pegasus for male unicorns. I'm not sure they're that rare though. I know a triad of 3 bi poly men, and I'm part of a triad with another two... But that's anecdotal evidence I guess.

Your comment reminded me of the first poly triad I met irl a couple years ago...two bi-men and a much younger straight woman. They'd been together several years.

As for terminology, I vote for centaur :)
 
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