Broke Up With Toxic Mono Partner Who Lied About Being Able To Accept Poly

PurpleSun

New member
So, I have not been here in awhile. I had finals, and a lot of other stuff going on. Anyway, I had posted about dating a mono woman who had said she accepted my being poly and we were working on it. BIG MISTAKE. She was toxic in a lot of ways. It all came out a couple of weeks ago, when my grandmother died. On the day of the funeral, like 2 hours before the service, she decided to bring up something petty about how she didn't like something I had said about her being too young to understand something. As if that couldn't have waited on such a day. That night, after the funeral, we got into a nasty fight where she actually said that my 96 year old grandfather would be next - right after we had just put my grandma in the ground.

It also turns out she lied to me about two BIG things - I'm childfree and was upfront about that. I'm also, of course, poly, and was upfront about that as well. Turns out she really, really wants kids, and doesn't actually view polyamory as a legitimate orientation or relationship style. She even said there was no point if one person cannot be your everything, and that poly people are incapable of love.

It also turns out she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, I have my own mental health issues, and don't mean to stigmatize, but I've heard nothing but horror stories about people with Borderline, and she has exhibited those traits in spades since we broke up. She wants to control everything. Tonight, she left me a long message, but is refusing to respond to my response to it. In the end, I just told her I want the key to my apartment back, and I don't trust her having it. She hasn't even read the message. First, she said she wanted to be friends, then had all sorts of bizarre "Scenarios" she was asking me about, like could she kiss me and cuddle with me. She said it was "scary" when I said no. Then, she asked if I'd have sex with her. Again, I said no and she accused me of not finding her attractive. On and on, you get the picture.

Unfortunately, we still have at least one year to go to school together at the same University. There's no telling what this bitch will say or do, but I think my professors are smart enough to recognize crazy when they see it. At least I found all this out after a few months rather than a few years.

The best part is that I don't care about her at all anymore, really just sharing, and swearing off dating ANYONE who identifies as monogamous from now on, period.
 
I'm sorry to hear about this.

No break up is FUN, even when wanted/needed but she sounds like she's making it extra difficult rather than parting ways respectfully.

You might consider going zero contact, blocking email/phone and just not responding to anything of hers any more. No JADE. (Justify, argue, defend, explain -- it just sucks up time and energy and your attention is on her and her stuff rather than on YOUR healing.)

Might also call a locksmith to change everything. Then you don't have to deal with her AT ALL -- not even for a key return. And you do not have to worry that she won't return it, will let herself in whenever, damage property, etc.

Galagirl
 
I'm sorry to hear about this.

No break up is FUN, even when wanted/needed but she sounds like she's making it extra difficult rather than parting ways respectfully.

You might consider going zero contact, blocking email/phone and just not responding to anything of hers any more. No JADE. (Justify, argue, defend, explain -- it just sucks up time and energy and your attention is on her and her stuff rather than on YOUR healing.)

Might also call a locksmith to change everything. Then you don't have to deal with her AT ALL -- not even for a key return. And you do not have to worry that she won't return it, will let herself in whenever, damage property, etc.

Galagirl

Thank you for this. I think changing the locks might be a good idea. I don't trust that she won't copy the key or something before giving it back anyway. That is actually a good idea, thanks.

And no, it's not fun to break up, I just really wanted to give her a chance. She turned out to be positively toxic. What really sucks is that I'm thinking about her while I grieve my grandma, take care of my grandpa, and worry about my other grandma, who is in the hospital after suffering a heart attack.
 
Thank you. You've just given me insight into my ex.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd simply suggest extricating yourself and no further contact.
 
Thank you. You've just given me insight into my ex.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd simply suggest extricating yourself and no further contact.

I am not sure how this post helped you see things better on your ex, but I am glad it did! I hope things are going okay for you.

The only silver lining here is that I have absolutely no romantic or sexual feelings toward this woman anymore. If I am honest with myself, I haven't in quite some time. I'd be glad, and have been for weeks, when she didn't want to stay over. I haven't wanted to have sex with her in at least two months.

I am extracting myself. I know I'll see her at school,etc, but she wouldn't dare make a scene in front of all those folks (I don't think).

I'm more consumed by my grief than I am with her anyway. I am just wondering how the hell I wound up spending 7 months with this woman. Talk about a waste of time.
 
I'm sorry you've experienced this. At least you're out of that relationship now, and it sounds like you've learned from it, though it's unfortunate that lesson came in such a painful way.

I can see you didn't intend any stigma toward mental illness, but I just want to point out your reference to "those traits" of BPD in your ex is a serious generalization. While there are certain traits and symptoms that are present in the majority of people diagnosed with BPD, not everyone has all of them. And as far as "horror stories"... If someone is not managing and receiving treatment for BPD, then yes, it can be a horror story. But there are plenty of people who have BPD, are on meds and/or in therapy, and have learned coping strategies such as Dialectic Behavior Therapy to manage their symptoms and the wonked-up thinking that's caused by BPD.

It sounds like your ex might not be receiving treatment, or if she is, it's ineffective. I guess I'm just trying to say, don't rule out everyone with BPD because of this one experience and some stories you've heard from others, because for every "horror story," there's at least one person with BPD who manages their illness, is aware of the effects of it, and does everything in their power to minimize its impact on those around them.

(I'm sorry for being lecturey... I was diagnosed with BPD in the past, though that's since been changed to complex-PTSD, and I have at least one family member with that diagnosis as well. And I've been active against any mental illness being stigmatized. So sometimes I go a little overboard.)
 
Yeah, change the locks/keys. It's worth the bill to not have to worry/deal with her.

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss though. :(

Try to take care of yourself too and honor your mourning period for your grandmother. I know you have to see to grandfather too, but don't forget you. You count too.

Galagirl
 
You aren't being lecturey, I understand what you are saying. She is in therapy, but she is on SUCH a high horse about it. She is constantly saying things like "everyone deserves a chance," and she believes in the so-called "friend zone," and acts like anyone who walks away from her for any reason is evil, period. Soooooo yeah.

I just can't handle such a person right now. Relationships are hard enough without lies, manipulation, etc
 
My landlord is on his way to re-key my door - FOR FREE! I feel like a very lucky girl right now. I got out of the situation, that is what is important.
 
Top landlord points there!!!!!!
 
Definitely, and @Galagirl, you're right. I slept a lot today, and sent my uncle to sit with Grandpa. I am exhausted from all of this.
 
Hi PurpleSun,

Sorry to hear you had to go through all of that. Too much to juggle at one time, that is for sure. It sounds like things are looking up a little right now in some ways. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You aren't being lecturey, I understand what you are saying. She is in therapy, but she is on SUCH a high horse about it. She is constantly saying things like "everyone deserves a chance," and she believes in the so-called "friend zone," and acts like anyone who walks away from her for any reason is evil, period. Soooooo yeah.

I just can't handle such a person right now. Relationships are hard enough without lies, manipulation, etc

I definitely understand what you're saying. I'm glad you're out of the situation. I hope you're making time to take care of yourself. Condolences on your loss.
 
Glad landlord is changing the locks and uncle can sit with grandpa.

I hope you get some sleep and some space to do your own self care.

I just can't handle such a person right now. Relationships are hard enough without lies, manipulation, etc

Yup. No need for taking on extra drama when you just don't have the desire nor the capacity for this any more.

Galagirl
 
I just slept for several hours. I am restless and anxious, but otherwise okay.
 
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