Feeling All the Feels

"A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell," is a very common mindset. It is seen as polite and respectful.

I understand you want to know, maybe to assess your bfs' emotional states around their new dating partners. Maybe you could ask them more about their own feelings, rather than expecting them to share intimate details about their activities (especially sex), or things their gfs have told them that they assume she would like kept private.
 
I respect Murfs privacy and do not share the intimate details of our relationship with Butch. Murf is a private person and would be pissed off if I shared his private life. It would be a deal breaker for him. I am the same way so I understand. Butch on the otherhand wants the details but he does not get to override Murfs wishes.
 
I respect Murfs privacy and do not share the intimate details of our relationship with Butch. Murf is a private person and would be pissed off if I shared his private life. It would be a deal breaker for him. I am the same way so I understand. Butch on the otherhand wants the details but he does not get to override Murfs wishes.

It’s a different mindset for sure. I am on the complete other side of the spectrum — I wouldn’t want my partners to complain about me to their other partners, but I find it flattering when I get hints of the fact that Whisker’s talks to his wife about me, asks her for advice on how to navigate a concern in our relationship or even just what to wear for our dates, etc.

I should perhaps add that I am not asking Ponytail to reveal much in terms of details....telling me *when* he has a date would be an improvement (it’s so awkward when I text him to chat and he responds weirdly and sporadically for a couple hours instead of just telling me that he is busy with another partner).
 
I wouldn’t want my partners to complain about me to their other partners, but I find it flattering when I get hints of the fact that Whisker’s talks to his wife about me, asks her for advice on how to navigate a concern in our relationship or even just what to wear for our dates, etc.

It's interesting you find it flattering to hear those things.

Admittedly, I find it flattering when Pixi tells her bf about what good cooks we are, and then tells me he says he feels outclassed! Because he does cook, and rather elaborately, but he always sticks to recipes, but we are so good we get very creative. haha

I should perhaps add that I am not asking Ponytail to reveal much in terms of details....telling me *when* he has a date would be an improvement (it’s so awkward when I text him to chat and he responds weirdly and sporadically for a couple hours instead of just telling me that he is busy with another partner).

I think you live with Ponytail? And he doesn't tell you when and with whom he is going out and when he will be back?? Now that seems very odd indeed. That is definitely something to talk about, even if he doesn't live with you. It seems just a common courtesy, poly etiquette.

It sounds sneaky, like he's uncomfortable even telling you he's out with someone. Like he feels he's being bad and needs to cover up something shameful. (I say this knowing his history.) But he is actually hurting you by doing this.
 
I'm really big on not sharing intimate details, but I tend to have who-where-when approach when I'd be otherwise home with Adam. No different to if I was heading out with a friend rather than a boyfriend.
 
I think you live with Ponytail? And he doesn't tell you when and with whom he is going out and when he will be back?? Now that seems very odd indeed.

No, we don’t live together. We have talked about it a lot over the last year or so, but we live apart.

That is definitely something to talk about, even if he doesn't live with you. It seems just a common courtesy, poly etiquette.

It sounds sneaky, like he's uncomfortable even telling you he's out with someone. Like he feels he's being bad and needs to cover up something shameful. (I say this knowing his history.) But he is actually hurting you by doing this.

Yep, this is how it feels to me too. I have scheduled a time for us to talk about it.
 
he doesn't tell you when and with whom he is going out and when he will be back?? Now that seems very odd indeed. That is definitely something to talk about, even if he doesn't live with you. It seems just a common courtesy, poly etiquette.

It sounds sneaky, like he's uncomfortable even telling you he's out with someone. Like he feels he's being bad and needs to cover up something shameful. (I say this knowing his history.) But he is actually hurting you by doing this.
It might be shame and is worth a talk, but generally, I don't think it's any kind of "poly etiquette". If you tell each other about your day every day, then it would be weird to leave out a date. It would be weird in my relationship. However, if you don't talk to each other about your day, e.g. every encounter with every friend, there's no need to talk about individual dates.
 
We talked

Just to update — we talked about it this evening. I kept it light at first and teased him about how weird and awkward he was being and he laughed and then I was more serious and I explained that I needed him to be a little more transparent with me. He said he was overwhelmed by everyone who was texting him while he was on his date and said he was trying to ignore the texts....I pointed out that if he would tell people, “I’m out with so-and-so” it would be a lot easier for everyone because then they will give him space if they know he is busy.

He isn’t used to having a social calendar. I am happy for him, but there is a transition that is going to be tricky.
 
Who do you take home?

Ok, so I am really excited because for the first time since all the Ponytail/Whiskers drama last year, both of them are going to go to a social event with me. It is a group activity to go see a play we all want to go to — Ponytail has invited three additional friends (all polyamorous as well) and I have invited Whiskers.

Since this is going to count as my biweekly date with Whiskers (who I won’t see for another 3-4 weeks after this event) and since I see Ponytail at least twice a week and since Ponytail’s other friends will be there, I figured I would arrive and leave with Whiskers. Since the event is over a month away, I had not discussed the particularities with Whiskers or Ponytail yet, but that was what I was planning on in my head.

Last night, Ponytail asked be what I had in mind for that evening and I told him that I was thinking I would like to go home with Whiskers after the event.

Ponytail is not okay with this — which....I guess I knew that Ponytail would have some feelings about it, but I hadn’t anticipated that he would feel strongly enough about it that he is making it a “thing.”

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. My logic makes sense to me ....and even if it weren’t logical, it’s my choice, right? I’m not saying, “oh, I would love to go home with you Ponytail, but Whiskers says I can’t....” and I’m not saying “Oh Whiskers and I have *decided* that I am going to go home with him because I don’t see him often enough...” no, I’m saying, “I don’t get to see Whiskers as often as I would like to, so I would like to go home with him after the event.”

Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Take ownership of my own choices?

I feel like this is about to spiral out of control. Because I haven’t even talked to Whiskers about this. But when I tell Whiskers, he is going to say, “Is Ponytail okay with that?” And I will either have to lie or tell him that Ponytail isn’t comfortable — and if I tell him that Ponytail isn’t comfortable then Whiskers will probably feel super uncomfortable too (understandably) and back out of attending.

So my alternative is to just go home with Ponytail. Is that what I should do? It would certainly probably be the most “comfortable” option. But it isn’t what I want and I’m trying to get better at being more direct about what I want...

But on the other hand, this is a big step for both of them. Is it better to just do the option that will make everyone the most comfortable?
 
Is there any way at all this doesn't have to be your biweekly date with Whiskers? That you can have a different date night and this is just one big friendly social outing?

If not, then you could spell it out for Ponytail that this is indeed your regular date night with Whiskers and as such you'll be doing what you regularly do on your date night with Whiskers and going home with him.

It sounds a little like Ponytail's expectations is that this is *his* night. He's bringing friends (to meet you? Or do you already know them?) and Whiskers is actually going to intrude upon *his* night out where he is otherwise surrounded by *his* people.

Perhaps it's really too soon for Ponytail to be sharing space with Whiskers, especially if he perceives he's "losing" you to Whiskers that night.
 
I agree with everything Evie said, but also wanted to note that in the future when any of your partners asks "how does (insert Meta here) feel about that?" then it might be worth just not answering their question. Especially if it's about a choice that is your choice to make. Ultimately, you're the hinge and an adult and can make your own choices. If you really want to answer because you don't want to just dodge the question, then I'd suggest just briefly stating "well of course X wishes that I was able to go home with them because they're always happy to spend more time with me, but this is my choice and you and I have made this our date night, so my choice is to go home with you (If you agree)."

Basically, they need a reminder that they don't need their meta's consent, they need yours. And they need to spend less time worrying about what each other thinks.
 
I will be the odd one out..

I would go to and from the event with who I wanted. Metas get no say over who I decided to spend my time with. If I want to spend time with Murf I spend time with Murf. If I want to spend time with Butch I will spend time with Butch. Neither one gets to decide who I go home with. I am in charge of my schedule and time management.
 
Thank you Dagferi, Evie and Breathemusic.

I am so mixed up, I don’t even know for sure what I want.

Getting out of the play, it will be late at night. If I am honest with myself, I will probably just want to go to bed. And going to bed (for sleeping purposes) is not something I do with Whiskers, but it is something I do with Ponytail — every other Friday night. And, really, Friday nights are typically Ponytail nights. So I suppose I can see why he assumed that I would be going home with him that night.....

What would I do if I went home with Whiskers that night? Well, we would have sex and then I would drive home. So I would be out even later and even more exhausted....and I wouldn’t get to wake up next to Ponytail on Saturday morning like I usually do.

So, really, in an ideal world, I would get another date with Whiskers around the same time — one that I can devote to Whiskers (date activity, sex while not exhausted, etc) — and on the night of the play I would go home with Ponytail and sleep.

But I don’t think that is going to be possible for Whiskers — he has a baby and so it’s not like he can just take off the next night and do two dates with me in a row — one for social activity and one for intimacy. Our dates are spaced according to how often his coparents can manage without him. It feels sad to ask him to take a night off from his family and then not actually spend any of that time alone with him.

So what do I really want? In order of priority:
.
1. I want to enjoy this play with Ponytail and Whiskers together.

2. I want to be a good host and for both Whiskers and Ponytail to have a good time.

3. I want to have alone time with Whiskers in the month of December.
 
Is it possible to literally tell both Whiskers and Ponytail exactly what you just said? It seems like this is a situation that would be clarified by your honesty, and if everyone understood where you were coming from they might have some solution you hadn’t thought of.
 
Is it possible to literally tell both Whiskers and Ponytail exactly what you just said? It seems like this is a situation that would be clarified by your honesty, and if everyone understood where you were coming from they might have some solution you hadn’t thought of.

Thanks icesong. This is what I have been leaning towards doing too. I think I thought that I had to have it all sorted out in my own mind and declare my “decision” without letting their wishes sway my own. But in actuality I would prefer to involve them more in coming up with a solution. .
 
I think that owning your own decisions and making sure that other's aren't making your decisions for you or pressuring your choices is very different from being willing to hear input from partners and take their thoughts into consideration.

It's a delicate balance, but the reality is, when you care about someone, their opinions matter. You can still disagree and ultimately decide something that goes against said opinion, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with talking out the issue with your partners.

And hey, if you're up front with Whiskers about ideally wanting to do the group activity AND have a date night, maybe he can find a way to swing it. It's not like you'd be asking for that all the time. And maybe he can't. But he'll never know that's what you want if you don't ask for it.
 
Is it possible to start your date with Whiskers early? Then you could have alone time and sex with Whiskers while not tired? Go to the play after?
 
Is it possible to start your date with Whiskers early? Then you could have alone time and sex with Whiskers while not tired? Go to the play after?

This would be my ideal too, but I don’t think we could swing it because we both have young kids who would be awake and so there isn’t a great place to have sex discreetly. But maybe one of us can ask our coparents to take the kids someplace fun to get them out of one our houses....
 
Update on “Double” Date and Sex

So first of all, we made arrangements for Whiskers and I to start our date early on the evening of the performance. Whiskers and I will then drive to the theater and after the performance, Ponytail and I will go home together. In the end, I decided this was what I wanted, cleared it with Glasses to make sure it would be okay as far as childcare, and then proposed it to Whiskers. Once Whiskers had said he could meet up with me before the show, I then told Ponytail that this was my proposal for ensuring that I go home with him at the end of the evening — since that had been Ponytail’s priority — while still getting the time that I wanted with Whiskers. Everyone seems to be satisfied with the compromise.

In other news, sex has been a bit of a challenge for me lately. Difficult to get interested, difficult to get aroused, difficult to get out of my head....Last night I had a bit of an epic date with Whiskers. It involved 90 min of sexual activity — including lots of new things. Honestly I had a really lovely time — from a psychological perspective what we did satisfied a lot of my sexual fantasies — but I am so exhausted and sore. I don’t know that it has helped with my recent feelings of ambivalence about sex because now I am so worn out I don’t really want to ever have sex again. I know this feeling will pass with time, but I just feel a little overwhelmed at the moment.
 
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Overwhelemed

I'm feeling anxious.

I'm excited for the performance that I'm going to tomorrow with Ponytail and Whiskers. Everything seems to be going smoothly on that front and while I expect that there will be some awkwardness, I'm really really excited.

But I'm also feeling kind of like a jumble of emotions . . .

I'm feeling uninspired, sexually. I'm anxious about my appearance, about my skills, about my "sex appeal" in general. The last few times that I have had sex with my partners, they have struggled to get/maintain erections. I know I'm not supposed to take it personally (and outwardly, I'm keeping a positive attitude), but I'm taking it personally. I feel like I'm not holding their interest anymore.

I'm most nervous about Whiskers, because this was never an issue that he's had with me before and it feels like it came out of nowhere. Ponytail and Glasses have both had occasional troubles with getting/maintaining erections or reaching orgasm, so I've never worried that it was my "fault." But now that Whiskers is having the same trouble? I can't help but think that I'm just not as appealing as I used to be. Especially since Whiskers and I aren't as cuddly/emotionally connected and we have no D/s component to incorporate. I feel like if Glasses or Ponytail is having trouble getting an erection, it's no big deal because there are plenty of other things that we can do -- including just holding each other and snuggling and talking. But with Whiskers? It's not like he's spending the night. There's no "change of plans" -- it's not that we HAVE to have sex, but if we don't, it doesn't feel like there is a natural alternative.

So I feel anxious -- I know that we both WANT to have sex, but I worry that if we can't make it happen then we have "failed." And I worry that if we "fail" now and then, he will stop wanting to be with me at all.
 
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