How to deal with partner in NRE who wants to make drastic changes

anomaly

New member
Good morning all,

My partner is poly, I'm non-monogamous. We live together. She is open to having serious relationships with others and has fallen in love with others a few times since we've been together. I'm interested in having friends with benefits without falling in love, and I've had a few since we've been together. We're both ok with each other's needs and choices.

When she falls in love, she falls hard. It's a very emotional time for her and I've always been able to stand by her and be supportive through it all, difficult break-ups included.

Now, she's fallen in love with someone with whom a future is impossible for a number of serious reasons. Even though she hasn't known this person for very long, she's become very despondent about the fact that she cannot freely pursue this relationship. It's starting to overshadow our own relationship - she's talking about taking time off work to go live with that person for a couple of months (this is a long-distance relationship) to see if they can work something out.

I love her and want to be supportive and I don't wish to restrict her freedom, but I feel that she's a little delusional (she describes herself has "really fucked up right now".)

How have you dealt or would you deal with a situation like this?
 
Last edited:
So, fix it, already.

How would you deal with a situation like this?
I'd recommend meds, intensive therapy, & maybe a few rounds of ECT.

If not for her, then maybe it'd make YOUR path more pleasant. :D

By your telling, she sounds like an NRE addict -- not interested in love per se, but in the brain-eating chemicals that show up with falling in love.

And you are a classic enabler. You get to kvell naches (be all puffed up with pride) about being there time after goddamned time to pick her up & wipe her nose & get her all ready to do it again.

If that's where the two of you are happy, then by all means enjoy yourselves.

If not, then you should perhaps start with telling us how YOU want to change things.
________________

I first saw the idea of "love addiction" in the mid-1980s, where early studies drew parallels to "recovering" cocaine addicts who had a tendency to fall off the proverbial wagon & binge out, before checking into rehab & repeating the cycle. It's still considered "not proven," but here's some reading.

https://www.recoveryranch.com/articles/what-are-the-most-common-indicators-of-love-addiction/

http://loveaddicts.org/LAAHomeIndex.html
 
Hi anomaly,

In your shoes I think I would not try to make her change her behavior, however I would watch the situation closely and consider whether I wanted to stay partnered with her. For instance, she's taking a two-month vacation from work? Will they even let her do that? If she loses her job, that affects you in more than just an emotional way. That's the kind of thing you have to consider.

I don't know all the reasons why a future with this person is impossible for her, but from your description so far it doesn't sound like she's using her head.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Good morning all,
I love her and want to be supportive and I don't wish to restrict her freedom, but I feel that she's a little delusional (she describes herself has "really fucked up right now".)

How have you dealt or would you deal with a situation like this?

Yes, but it's perfectly reasonable to state what happens on your end if she makes certain choices that impact you. It's your own choice to decide to stay on this roller coaster or not.
 
Back
Top