Polyamory with children

pthomas85

New member
Dear all,

This is my first post, so please forgive me if I write silly stuff.

I am a 35 year old male, married to a beautiful and loving wife, 2 beautiful kids.

Here is the situation. About 18 months ago, a friend of my wife broke up with her partner, and it was a bad break-up. To make a long story short, a couple of months after the breakup we wound up in bed the three of us. I should mention that my wife was always bicurious but had never done anything sexual with women. This threesome worked out well for all of us and we started doing them again. The women did not do much with each other at first. It was more me taking care of them one at a time, besides them giving me blowjobs together. But they became more and more sexual with each other as we did more threesomes, including oral sex etc. So the threesomes became better and better and work out great for us.

The three of us have decided that we want to live together, and the friend to move in with us. If we wouldn't have kids I would see no problems at all. But we do have kids. Does anybody here have a similar situation? How do you deal with this? How do the kids take it? What about gossiping at school etc.?

I should mention that we live in a big house in a suburb of Melbourne, Australia, and that renting out rooms is not uncommon here. So the neighbours won't care or even know. It is just that this may be really awkward for the kids and we don't want them to get harassed or anything because of this.

Does anybody have any tips or so?

Many, many, many thanks.
 
I think that the age of the children makes a difference.

With younger children, she becomes a close family friend and roommate. Young kids don't necessarily need to know the details or really contemplate the sexual level of adult relationships. If they are older (I'd say adolescent and older, know about sex, etc) then it's more a matter of teaching them that many relationship styles exist in the world, and that something different from what most people do, is still OK and can be very good. Concepts of informed consent can be discussed. You'll be modeling caring and respect in this unconventional three-way relationship, and your kids will understand that a second woman in an intimate adult configuration isn't just a sex object. And they can be advised that there will be people in the world who might not understand, and that there is no reason to share this information at school if it would cause uncomfortable situations.

I don't know what the social tolerance for unusual things is like where you are. I can say for a fact that my teenage sons would have a harder time being open about things like this in some parts of America than others. Here in Colorado, it wouldn't be an issue. Most of their classmates are going to be reasonably progressive and I've raised them to be openminded and not judgmental. But in some of the more southern states, it's possible that if word of my polyamory got out, I could have Child Services get involved, just because assumptions would be made that I was "exposing" my son to degenerate behavior. So the overal social/political attitude in your area is probably a factor to keep in mind.
 
I agree with Spork, the age of the children is definitely important.

I have dear friends that have been in a FMF triad for 15 years. The 3 of them live in one town for 6 months of the year, and live separately on and off for the other 6. Their oldest is now 13, youngest is 4. The 'secondary' has always slept in the parent's bed, and the children have grown up thinking it's normal. She is loved dearly by all the kids as she has been a constant in their life since birth, but the conversation has not yet begun. They have been young enough (until now) that sex needs not be a conversation. I think we often project our own knowledge onto the little ones, when the reality is that they are oh-so-innocent and as long as their precious time with mum + dad isn't threatened, they're happy. As per their friends gossiping, I honestly think they just think it's cool to have someone ELSE that loves them that much. But we do live in a pretty progressive place.

If they are older and you are bringing someone new into the family, they deserve to have a clear understanding as to what this means.
 
I'll be perfectly frank here and say that I don't think that children are necessarily all that innocent, or angelic. I've met some unholy terrors, some viciously mean children, and noticed that sexual explorations of one kind or another can begin at very young ages, as uncomfortable a subject as it might be. I know that I was enjoying myself solo as far back as I can remember, certainly by the time I was 5 or 6 I was. I've heard people say that they "discovered" self-love (trying to be polite here lol!) during adolescence and I'm like "what??" I don't know if I'm unusual or not but I don't think that any part of my activity was harmful or unhealthy. Fortunately, my mother agrees and only ever stressed a need to be private about it, without heaping ideologies of shame on me.

So..."innocent?"...*shrug* nyyeh...? I don't know.

But one thing I'm certain of, is that neither of my sons has ever had the SLIGHTEST interest in thinking of either of their parents engaging in sexual acts. Together, with other people, etc. Full stop and end of story. Nope.

My Mom was/is an oversharer. I've known the details of her sex life since I was maybe 13 or 14. I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I was always like "~sigh~ I could have gone my entire life without knowing that." On the other hand, I've grown up very educated about sex, sexual health, I am by nature pretty sex-positive in attitude and openminded, and I feel that to this day I've got her as a confidante who will never judge me and that relationship has great value.

So with my sons, I place emphasis on the emotional and social connections that I have with my partners, and I do try to shield them from the sex part of it...they know it's there, but I told them, "I assume you do not want the details. If you ever have any questions, I will be happy to answer them to the extent that I feel you should know--some things may be none of your business--but until you ask, I'm not going to volunteer anything." I live in close quarters (small apartment) with my 14 year old son, so I don't have partners come over for sexytime, I go to their homes for those kinds of visits. With either or both of my boys present, we do movies, card games, dinner, or visit local attractions and parks.

The lines I draw tend to have more to do with comfort levels and respect for others (in this case, my kids) than "what people will think."

One other rule I've made for myself is that if I am dating someone new, or seeing someone in a more casual way, they won't meet my kids. I do believe that stability is healthy for kids, even teenagers, and I only want established, safe, solid longterm partners to be known to them. I don't want them to form bonds with my partners, only to lose them, and I want to have a good "read" on the partner to really feel that they're safe to be around my kids. I've seen mono parents get out in the dating scene and trust new love interests to be around their kids right away, and I don't agree with that.
 
I know that I was enjoying myself solo as far back as I can remember, certainly by the time I was 5 or 6 I was. I've heard people say that they "discovered" self-love (trying to be polite here lol!) during adolescence and I'm like "what??" I don't know if I'm unusual or not but I don't think that any part of my activity was harmful or unhealthy.
Just as an aside, I don't think any of it is weird. I remember finding out what great thing to use a "massage" shower head was at age 5, so I was certainly able to feel pleasure there, however later I don't recall any interest in masturbation til the age of ~11.
 
4255

Hi all,

Thanks for your answers, they were very helpful. It will definitely help us take a decision.

As a parent of two I agree that children can anything but innocent. We have really good kids, but some terrors in their schools are absolutely nasty. And with all the exposure to sex they have (media, internet) it is not easy to keep them innocent.

If anybody has more advice, please share it. It is not an easy thing to deal with.

Thanks !
 
Real and lady have 2 kids 10 and 14. They know me as part of the extended family and that we all Co sleep at their house. The 14 year old has questions occasionally and they are answered honestly but without tons of detail about sex. She doesn't want to know that part. The kiddos friends and family friends know me as a chosen life partner. Honestly other than the occasional nosy person, most folks haven't batted an eyelash. We are in an urban areas so the norm is to liveand let live. So it's been a non issue.
The kids questions have mostly been about making sure their living situation was stable and secure.

In my experience, kids see so much family disruption in general that they are happy when there is a stable unit of whatever configuration be it friends, aunts ands uncles, stepparents etc. And they are super happy to have whatever adults around who show up to celebrate school, sporting, concerts etc. I'm sure the other families wonder sometimes about it but no one says anything to us or the kids.

The teens friends have asked her sometimes but she isn't bothered so far and is pretty happy and secure. My advice is honesty seems to workp
 
Hi,

Thanks for your post !

I'm pretty sure that in our neighbourhood people won't care much either. So, when you moved in with the family, what did the parents tell the kids? What did you tell them? Were they still very young at that time? How did they react?

Practical questions, I know, but it is really helpful to hear how people deal with this.

Many thanks !
 
I don't live there. I need my space. Just close by. I stay there 2 nights a week. Lady's previous gf lived there for 3 years. People just assumed she was a housemate. Very few folks ever asked about the third adult living there actually. By product of an urban area I guess.
The kids just were young then and didn't really notice much I believe. She and lady transitioned to close friends over time and the former gf and her family all still come to family stuff.
 
Hmmmmm

I have 3 kids. They are 8, 5 and 3. We were in a triad with a woman with a child the same age as our youngest.

I would feel offended if I was a secret.

Our kids know nothing of monogamy. They see love as a beautiful thing. They are not sexual creatures, and parental/adult sex lives are none of their business. But when we date, we do it openly. We kiss, hold hands, snuggle. ..in front of the kids. My husband's current gf spent the night last night and the kids are visually aware of the fact that I don't kiss her or touch her in a more that friendly fashion.

If your children are older and raised monogamous, they may be more judgemental. And you'll have to let them be.

Regardless of age, children are individual PEOPLE. Respect them♡

However, if you're ashamed of your new partner, maybe you need to rethink polyamory.

Personally, I believe everyone is born polyamorous. But being raised monogamous confuses things. Take it day by day. Live with love in your heart. And don't treat people in ways you wouldn't want to be treated.

People might judge you. But people will do that no matter your relationship status♡ be proud of who you are, and who you love!
 
Not a problem, thanks for your input.
 
Currently, my boyfriend and girlfriend technically live together, as they are the "original couple", but my boyfriend works out of town during the week, so my girlfriend ends up spending most the time at my house anyways. The eventual plan for the future is for us three to buy a duplex and my girlfriend and I to each get a side (we both like our own space, even though we spend most the time together), while our boyfriend lives in both sides. This will work well as I our two youngest children are both very high strung and need their own space from eachother as well. To the outside world, we're all just very close friends, a self-made family.

Also, my oldest is 21- he knows exactly what's going on and he's fine with it.

At his age, he's more interested in his life than his Mom's life. My little one is 5 and my boyfriend has stepped up as a father figure to him- they are so much alike we sometimes joke that are we SURE Paul's not really his father. He also enjoys having my girlfriend around who's "like another Mommy".

Our boyfriend's son has some issues with us, but those are mainly because his mother is a very volitable person and feeds him lines like, "Your Daddy doesn't love you anymore because he loves Frankie (my 5 year old) now.", or "Your Daddy left us to go have sex with Maire and Nichole (me and my girlfriend)." His awareness is inappropriate for a 10 year old, but left to his own devices, he seems mostly okay with "Daddy having two girlfriends".

I would think that most kids adapt and it becomes normal?
 
Currently, my boyfriend and girlfriend technically live together, as they are the "original couple", but my boyfriend works out of town during the week, so my girlfriend ends up spending most the time at my house anyways. The eventual plan for the future is for us three to buy a duplex and my girlfriend and I to each get a side (we both like our own space, even though we spend most the time together), while our boyfriend lives in both sides. This will work well as I our two youngest children are both very high strung and need their own space from eachother as well. To the outside world, we're all just very close friends, a self-made family.

Also, my oldest is 21- he knows exactly what's going on and he's fine with it.

At his age, he's more interested in his life than his Mom's life. My little one is 5 and my boyfriend has stepped up as a father figure to him- they are so much alike we sometimes joke that are we SURE Paul's not really his father. He also enjoys having my girlfriend around who's "like another Mommy".

Our boyfriend's son has some issues with us, but those are mainly because his mother is a very volitable person and feeds him lines like, "Your Daddy doesn't love you anymore because he loves Frankie (my 5 year old) now.", or "Your Daddy left us to go have sex with Maire and Nichole (me and my girlfriend)." His awareness is inappropriate for a 10 year old, but left to his own devices, he seems mostly okay with "Daddy having two girlfriends".

I would think that most kids adapt and it becomes normal?

I think that kids can adapt to a lot of things becoming their normal.

I don't think that there is anything inherently wrong with a single parent, or a Mom and Dad, or two gay people, or a polycule, or Grandparents, or well...ANYONE raising a child. If the adults are sane, loving, healthy and involved, if they are doing what they should be doing for the child and not filling the kid's life with toxic and bad stuff....then that is really the best possible thing. This can be done in poverty or prosperity. The most valuable thing to a child is love, but consistency is good too, though kids can adapt to change.

What is awful is when adults use kids to get at each other, when they fill the kid's mind with cruel words about someone else that the child looks to for love, when people use kids as pawns in adult battles. I am very sorry that your boyfriend's ex does this.

Oh, and the duplex thing is a great idea. I knew a blended family of two couples and assorted kidlings that lived like that for decades! Probably still do, but I've lost touch with my high school friend who was one of the Moms. In fact my idea of poly-perfection would be having a big house that is subdivided into actual apartments so that everyone could have their own space but we all still kind of lived "together." *sigh*...it would be lovely.

Best of luck to you, CutiePie444!!
 
Depending on where you live, cohabiting or poly lifestyle arrangements can still lead to trouble, especially when children are involved. Honesty with your kids may not be in anyone's best interests if you live in a state that has a history of intervention in non-traditional families. There are still several states that still have (and occasionally enforce) laws against unmarried adults cohabiting!

Sexual or gender minority parents are particularly vulnerable in court proceedings, and the US has a long history of removing children from parents deemed “morally unsound.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...-most-common-legal-issues-facing-polyamorists
 
I'm not sure how old your children are, I think that would make a difference.

I've been in a triad for 5 years now and we currently have 3 children. When we got together with my partner, my husband and I already had a 2 year old. She doesn't really remember a time before my partner was a part of her life. She has never had any problems with it. Now she is 7 and is in grade school, it occasionally comes up that she 'has 2 moms' but there are other kids in school with 2 moms, such as the kids who have lesbian parents (only a few) and kids who have a mom and a stepmom (quite a few kids). Therefore its relatively easy for my daughter to put her life into context. She knows she has 2 moms and a dad. Unlike other kids, all her parents are still together, i.e no divorce.

As for our other two kids, they are babies. My partner and I each had a baby last August, so they are our 'twins'. All our children are raised to view each of us as equal parents.
 
Back
Top