A VERY BAD start!

Hi Bella999,

Re (from OP):
"He has no job, no car, dingy apartment ..."

How does he pay for his apartment when he doesn't have a job?

Re (from Bella999's wife):
"Please educate me as to what really defines poly?"

As far as I know, it goes something like this:

  • Polyamory = "the state of being, or the ability and/or inclination to be, in a romantically-connected group of more than two adults, with the full knowledge and consent of all the adults in the group."
  • Polyamorous = "practicing, inclined toward, or having to do with, polyamory."
  • Polyamorist = "one who is practicing, or who is inclined toward, polyamory."
  • Poly = "polyamory, polyamorous, or polyamorist."
Re (from Bella999's wife):
"Is it a bigger betrayal that my husband was not there for me when my dad was passing or is it a bigger betrayal that I had sex with my best friend and my husband didn't know about it?"

I don't know. I guess that is something for you and your husband to decide.

Re:
"Regarding this issue, because my husband has not agreed to my choice, I am agreeing to stop the sexual relationship with my friend, but I still want to see him as we did before sex started. My husband is agreeing to that."

That sounds reasonable.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
  • I would take steps to get away from any more poor treatment coming down the pipeline.
  • I would tell her I do not consent to a Poly V with this dude. But I cannot stop her.
  • I would be doing my health check ups. And I would be seeking a counselor to heal from such a betrayal.
  • I would quietly file for divorce and quietly withdraw half the funds from any joint accounts and put them in my own name. I would change my paycheck to go into my own account. I would close any shared credit cards.
  • I would continue making deposits in the joint account for her to live on in transition.
  • When the papers get served? I would tell her I no longer want to participate in marriage that is not open and honest. I would tell her I am willing to pay fair support and expect my transitional support to be taken into account on the ledger in court. I would be as generous as possible in my financial support and view it not as money spent for her, but money spent for ME to get rid of a mess ASAP.
  • I would make a deposit in the account for moving expenses and tell her I expect her to move out within 2 weeks. I would hand her a list of apartments I already looked up that fit her transitional budget. I would hand her a storage unit address in case she prefers to store and stay with a friend or hotel for a while. Either way, in 2 weeks I want her stuff out of here.
  • I would help her pack and even arrange for the mover to take the stuff to where she chooses. Just to be free of this faster and make sure she isn't foot dragging.
  • I would change the locks on the doors so her key does not work any more.
  • I would do it as quickly and as peacefully as possible, but I would break it off and get me out of this mess.

There's a limit to my tolerance and these shenanigans go WELL PAST my tolerance level. :mad:

Galagirl

This is Bella the wife here.

Change the locks? He still wants to be in this marriage.
Change bank accounts? We don't have one.
Get a divorce? We are not legally married, although we have our paperwork, wills etc in order.

Your advice to my husband is very negative and destructive and has no weight to me reading your advices.
 
Honestly, if you're asking a tit for tat question like this, your relationship is not anywhere near ready for polyamory. Poly requires generosity of spirit and all partners erring on the side of giving in order to be successful.

I wanted to add my nod of general agreement to the spirit of what FallenAngelina said here. The question is not who hurt or harmed whom more (an adolescent question, at best); the question is How can we work with this because we love one another and want to be kind and loving together?
If you can get to that sort of a question, in all sincerity (and I think you might), you'll perhaps have a chance of healing and growing together.
 
Hi all,

Husband here,

I want to thank my wife for sharing her thoughts here, and for all who have been taking the time to listen to both of our sides during this stressful and emotional time.

I like the idea of being here discussing with people that may have experience dealing with these issues and might be able to understand our background as swingers etc. The vanillas certainly would not understand.

I know Bella is not overly thrilled about being here, but she has respected my desire to reach out for help, guidance, advice or other suggestions. Maybe even a soft ear.

I also think it is important that she share her thoughts so this is not just a one sided discussion.

I would not even mind the other guy posting here and giving his perspective whatever that might be, starting an affair with my wife and acting like nothing has been happening. I see him all the time. It rubs me the wrong way for sure.

I would like to think a forum such as this could offer a more objective viewpoint compared to my friends or her friends etc who would tend to quickly take sides.

She has agreed to stop all sex with the friend and with the owner and anyone else. I don't mind her being friends with any of them, but I am not a big believer in poly relationships. Never seen one work personally for any significant length of time. A lot of it just seems like people dating and having sex with multiple people and calling it poly.

I like the no BS platform for swinging. Bringing in consenting couples or singles for sexy fun, and everyone CLEARLY knows their boundaries and who they are going home with, living with etc.

In this situation, poly has no advantage to me if this is only her being poly and I am not allowed the same freedoms. If for whatever reason I explore a poly secondary, then her V leg is there for an equality and balance. I could be open to that with the right woman, but from my experience, women are not all that open to sharing their guys and often get very catty with one another.

Before I met my wife, I did live in a poly situation with two former girlfriends who were also sexual with one another and myself. This lasted about 8 months and was basically a nightmare. I was quite relieved when that ended.

My wife and I actually started out in a poly triad with her boyfriend and we had an arrangement where we shared time with her. That ended because he was not emotionally strong enough to handle it (just my opinion) and my wife and I were very busy exploring the swinging lifestyle and he was not so thrilled with that either. It ended peacefully with us going on to what has now been going on 10 great years together.

It's not the sexual jealously at all, but the lies, deceit, and being kept out of the loop that feels so betraying.... by all involved, not just my wife. I don't like the idea of being dragged into this mess and having to keep my mouth shut and not discuss this with the owner and his wife etc. I liked the swinging ethos of everything being open and on the table.

The vanillas to me are the worst because their protocol is monogamy and anything outside of that is ground for divorce or all out war. I don't believe people (the vast majority at least) are really monogamous at their core. Evidence is all around us from divorce lawyers, TV shows, secret websites, prostitutes etc. We don't look as good as antarctic penguins!

I was done with vanilla relationships years ago. Wacky jealous women who think all men are cheating bastards and will go to the end of the earth to call them out and wreak havoc on everyone involved. Cheating, cover ups, lies, denial, aggression, fighting. My last vanilla girlfriend left in a police car after breaking up with me then finding out I had a new romance two weeks later. All the furniture in my house was dragged into the swimming pool. Done with that stuff and vanillas.

I love my sexy amazing wife! She's the best, and treats me great in our daily lives. She is the sexiest woman on planet earth and I am not the only one that thinks so! I love watching her get down with a hot guy, or couple or whatever, and if she never wants to do that again, my brain is overflowing with memories of her off the hook sexuality and that look in her eye when the moment is right ....is priceless! I'm hooked!

I get that she let go and had a threesome. I don't get that I was excluded, and now asked to hush up about it to the owner and his wife etc. I don't care for that one bit! I don't like her starting some emotional sexual bond with a vanilla guy regardless of how charming she thinks he is. It's reckless, it's irresponsible and could be very damaging to the trust we have so carefully developed over these years.

I am hoping this is just a hiccup and I know people are not perfect. I don't like the idea floating around in my head that at some point down the road I have some excuse to stray because "well, my wife did that years ago etc..." I don't want to have that little devil on my shoulder to justify some transgression I might be tempted to have.

It's all very complicated and I guess this is a time for us to really look at ourselves and set some new ground rules moving forward. I don't like the anything goes vibe at all. There has to be boundaries and I really don't know enough about poly to know how all that works other than my brief limited unsuccessful exposure to to the genre.
 
Last edited:
Hi all,

Husband here,

I want to thank my wife for sharing her thoughts here, and for all who have been taking the time to listen to both of our sides during this stressful and emotional time.

I like the idea of being here discussing with people that may have experience dealing with these issues and might be able to understand our background as swingers etc. The vanillas certainly would not understand.

I know Bella is not overly thrilled about being here, but she has respected my desire to reach out for help, guidance, advice or other suggestions. Maybe even a soft ear.

I also think it is important that she share her thoughts so this is not just a one sided discussion.

I would not even mind the other guy posting here and giving his perspective whatever that might be, starting an affair with my wife and acting like nothing has been happening. I see him all the time. It rubs me the wrong way for sure.

I would like to think a forum such as this could offer a more objective viewpoint compared to my friends or her friends etc who would tend to quickly take sides.

Hi Husband -

Those all seem like reasonable words.

I agree with the others, by the way, who encourage each of you, husband and wife, to have your own names and accounts here. If for no other reason, it will take a small step toward each of you being quite individual and particular -- which may be needed for yet other reasons between you as well. Who knows?
 
She doesn't want me having another female secondary. Only her and this guy.

Taking one item at a time....

I think the two of you should talk honestly and openly about the concept of a double standard, if this is true.

All human adults know that the Double Standard is the easiest form of unfairness (a.k.a., injustice) for mere mortals to recognize and acknowledge. So this would be a start!
 
I don't want to threaten her. I'm not poly minded… prefer sexy casual fun that has a safe ending where everyone goes home. I don't need a deeper connection with another female, but if we are going the poly route, I would need some balance on the other side. It can't be just all about her.

I'm slightly confused by these words. What would "balance" look like in particular if you're simply not interested in having "a secondary" or another poly love in your life? If that does not appeal to you, you cannot find "balance" by pretending that it does and seeking such a relationship in search of "balance".

You may find some other bargain, I suppose. Maybe you like to golf, or fish, hunt or bowl with your buddies ... and she's given you a hard time about that? I dunno. You could say "Go be with your boyfriend and let us guys go fishing fer krist's sake." I dunno? How do you find 'balance' if you're not into the poly scene at all?

I hate to see any loving relationship as mostly about bargaining. Some bargaining may be useful, sincere, helpful... at times, but in my 20 years with my partner we don't bargain much. We give to one another a lot, and are kind and loving with one another (Gawd I'm so blessed!). It's not a freaking exchange between us. It's give-give. Try THAT, willya?
 
I would just like to add that, while our Guidelines do state that each member posting here should have their own account and username, it also states that if two people do share an account AND clearly note which of them is doing the "talking" in a post, that is acceptable too. I would suggest, however, that Bella999's wife come up with a username/alias for herself instead of "This is the wife talking." If we want to address you, the wife, directly, it is easier and less clunky if we can call you something other than "you, the wife."
 
BellaWife, my suggestions for your husband were to take back consent if he made it in haste or under duress. Stop to really think it out. Then decide if he wants to try again with you or if he wants to be done because the cheating affair was too much for him to deal with. I think that is fair.

Then I listed what *I* would do in those shoes. He is his own person -- I expect him to figure out what he wants to do in HIS shoes.

My suggestions for you were to figure out what kind of Open Model you want to practice from this point forward. And with which partners. Ask for their consent. And if any of those partners were hurt by your previous behavior? To apologize, ask for forgiveness, and work on making amends. And make sure there's no more cheating anywhere in your new network. I think that is fair.

It is fine if you do not want to read what I write or take anything I say on board.

I do hope things get better for you.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Bella999 said:
I guess this is a time for us to really look at ourselves and set some new ground rules moving forward.

Yes. And if agreements get broken again? Be clear about what happens then.

Bella999 said:
I don't like the anything goes vibe at all. There has to be boundaries and I really don't know enough about poly to know how all that works other than my brief limited unsuccessful exposure to to the genre.

I would not like "anything goes" either.

Poly works how the people who signed up to be there want it to work. You seem to want fair agreements if you go there, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I like the no BS platform for swinging. Bringing in consenting couples or singles for sexy fun, and everyone CLEARLY knows their boundaries and who they are going home with, living with etc.

The same platform can apply to how you do polyamory. All participants participate with full knowledge and consent. Clear boundaries and expectations are articulated. No BS.

Same platform can apply to monogamy.

I don't think this is about "vanilla" or "monogamy" or " swinging" or "polyamory" -- it's just basic "No BS" + "treat me how I want to be treated."

A this time, your wife is bringing up whatever past grudges she still hangs on to. I could be wrong -- but in doing that she seems to be more interested at this time in "being in the right" by justifying her present behaviors with past feelings/grudges. More so than being interested in "returning to right relationship" by making amends and changing her behaviors. I hope in time she is able to let go of defensive listening and really hear your concerns. Right now she seems to be in the "Oh yeah? I may have done x, but YOU did Y..." place. Playing tit for tat.

When really "tit for tat" behavior doesn't solve this cheating issue, or these other long pending issues now coming to light. Instead of taking away from this current cheating issue, it's just piling more issues on an already stressed out couple. You can only solve these things one at at time!

At this time, you DO seem to want to try to see if anything can be worked out. I suggest you seek a poly/swinging friendly counselor to help you. You guys have a LOT of issues to untangle and put in order for how you will tackle them. I think your main support could come from a professional rather than an internet forum. It's ok to vent here, but you really sound like you need professional guidance to me. Once both of you are past the initial emotional storm, and are more able to focus? I suggest you consciously move on to "problem solving behavior" and let any temptation to "tit for tat" go. Pull together like a team, not like enemies. It might serve you both better in moving it forward.

I think you and you wife (with a counselor's help) could determine what your trial run will be like, what new agreements you will both try out, and what the deal breakers are. Hopefully your wife arrives at a place where she's willing to work out fair agreements with you, is willing to try that new way of going with you, and is willing to work on rebuilding trust with you.

It's not the sexual jealously at all, but the lies, deceit, and being kept out of the loop that feels so betraying.... by all involved, not just my wife. I don't like the idea of being dragged into this mess and having to keep my mouth shut and not discuss this with the owner and his wife etc. I liked the swinging ethos of everything being open and on the table.

You do not have to like it. You also do not have to agree to keep your mouth shut forever if you do not want to. It is your mouth. Your ethics and values are for YOU to be practicing, not anyone else. I suggest you talk these feelings over with a counselor and figure out what to do about telling/not telling the Cafe owner and his wife. It is ok to be silent until you can see a counselor. Slow all this stuff DOWN.

In this situation, poly has no advantage to me if this is only her being poly and I am not allowed the same freedoms.

Fair enough. You are allowed your opinion. You are also allowed to make your choices for YOU.

If she's offering you a new relationship model where it is Closed on your end and Open to Poly on her end? You can accept it if it sounds like a good fit for you.

Or you can decline it if it is NOT a good fit for you.

I hope things improve for you and you can sort this stuff out in counseling.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
hmmmm

Something isn't sounding right. Husband says they are very well off financially and live in a nice area but wife says they have no bank account? :confused:
 
I don't think this is about "vanilla" or "monogamy" or " swinging" or "polyamory" -- it's just basic "No BS" + "treat me how I want to be treated."

This is an insightful observation. We may be all diverse and different in very many ways, but kindness is kindness is kindness, ultimately. And fairness is fairness. And loving is ultimately loving. And unloving is unloving.... In most "genres". At least.

Nobody likes having the their toes stepped on or to be punched in the belly, for example. At least not unless that's their weird little kink. I guess.
 
Husband here....

Counseling is not something I am interested in. Probably because I know several of them who can't even make their own marriages work. Ironically,
the wife of the cafe owner is a counselor. Married now to a cheating husband.

Counselors are expensive with no guarantee of a positive result. If I could be assured a positive outcome, it WOULD be worth the investment, but I am well aware that everyone has to be fully committed, and the advice must fit our lifestyle to a tee, otherwise it's not likely to do much good.

Another issue I have with counseling is that there will be a biasing based upon the difference in alternative lifestyle between us and the counseling.
Just because a counselor has had some experience themselves doesn't mean much to me. They would more than likely come off as much more vanilla than my wife and I. I just don't see us taking them very seriously unless they have truly been as deep through the journey as we have.

The cafe is great. It's a wonderful community focal point that spreads far beyond the owners and the drama that goes on there. I've actually invested a lot of my personal time there running events, programming live music, even invested in the business with them when they have had hard times. (all with no demand for payback, just gifted)

Doesn't feel good to me that the owner fucked my wife behind my back. People can really be fucked up, even the coolest, nicest people that show you love and support. I suppose it's good to be reminded of that once in a while.

I looked at this forum a bit before posting here. I didn't see a lot of trolling and it comes across as genuine and well moderated. I think my expectations are to possibly find some good advice that might work for myself or us as a couple, and there has been, at least for me.

Again, I am impressed with my wife coming forward to post here as well. I'm a bit surprised she did it, as she typically shuns anything internet advice related. It's good to hear her side of the story and not just mine.
 
Yes. And if agreements get broken again? Be clear about what happens then.



I would not like "anything goes" either.

Poly works how the people who signed up to be there want it to work. You seem to want fair agreements if you go there, and there is nothing wrong with that.



The same platform can apply to how you do polyamory. All participants participate with full knowledge and consent. Clear boundaries and expectations are articulated. No BS.

Same platform can apply to monogamy.

I don't think this is about "vanilla" or "monogamy" or " swinging" or "polyamory" -- it's just basic "No BS" + "treat me how I want to be treated."

A this time, your wife is bringing up whatever past grudges she still hangs on to. I could be wrong -- but in doing that she seems to be more interested at this time in "being in the right" by justifying her present behaviors with past feelings/grudges. More so than being interested in "returning to right relationship" by making amends and changing her behaviors. I hope in time she is able to let go of defensive listening and really hear your concerns. Right now she seems to be in the "Oh yeah? I may have done x, but YOU did Y..." place. Playing tit for tat.

When really "tit for tat" behavior doesn't solve this cheating issue, or these other long pending issues now coming to light. Instead of taking away from this current cheating issue, it's just piling more issues on an already stressed out couple. You can only solve these things one at at time!

At this time, you DO seem to want to try to see if anything can be worked out. I suggest you seek a poly/swinging friendly counselor to help you. You guys have a LOT of issues to untangle and put in order for how you will tackle them. I think your main support could come from a professional rather than an internet forum. It's ok to vent here, but you really sound like you need professional guidance to me. Once both of you are past the initial emotional storm, and are more able to focus? I suggest you consciously move on to "problem solving behavior" and let any temptation to "tit for tat" go. Pull together like a team, not like enemies. It might serve you both better in moving it forward.

I think you and you wife (with a counselor's help) could determine what your trial run will be like, what new agreements you will both try out, and what the deal breakers are. Hopefully your wife arrives at a place where she's willing to work out fair agreements with you, is willing to try that new way of going with you, and is willing to work on rebuilding trust with you.



You do not have to like it. You also do not have to agree to keep your mouth shut forever if you do not want to. It is your mouth. Your ethics and values are for YOU to be practicing, not anyone else. I suggest you talk these feelings over with a counselor and figure out what to do about telling/not telling the Cafe owner and his wife. It is ok to be silent until you can see a counselor. Slow all this stuff DOWN.



Fair enough. You are allowed your opinion. You are also allowed to make your choices for YOU.

If she's offering you a new relationship model where it is Closed on your end and Open to Poly on her end? You can accept it if it sounds like a good fit for you.

Or you can decline it if it is NOT a good fit for you.

I hope things improve for you and you can sort this stuff out in counseling.

Galagirl

Thank you so much for taking the time to post your responses. I also appreciate your ability to resist getting into a cat fight with my wife. She has a tendency to lash out etc.

This is day 3 since the bomshell. It seems my feelings and emotions are still changing by the hour. Nothing solid in my head yet. One minute I think "ok, it's over, time to get back to life as usual. The next minute I think we need to take a hard look at what is really going on. My wife want this to pass quickly and for me to brush it under the rug, keep lips tight and have everything just go back to how it was before this happened. I actually think that is doable. But what I am sometimes thinking now is, "what is best for me" rather than "what is best for her".

I do feel incredibly disrespected, not just by her, but by all involved, and I do resent being dragged into this pile of garbage.

I don't agree with the concept that this guy only needed permission from her, and that if she spreads her legs for him, it's all good. I saw him last night and he was quick to run over and try to apologize. I told him we would discuss this at a later time. He knows damn well he did something very wrong. Men do have the ability to say no, even if a beautiful woman throws her best game at them. She is hard to resist though... I do get that!

But he knows she is married to me, and while we are not great friends, we have had some interesting conversations, and even gone fishing together a couple of times. He's even a church going guy! :rolleyes:

As things stand now, my wife has agreed to end any sexual relations with him or anyone else down there. I do believe she will end that part of it, and I am ok with them remaining friends. I think I can take the high road and I should give her the benefit of the doubt that she will be good on her word.

This is the first time she has betrayed me in 10 years. People are not perfect, and she is basically saying that she just misjudged the situation and assumed I would have approved of this as a kind of "hotwifing" erotic arrangement.... and it is true that in the right situation, that could be a big turn on for me and something we could look at down the road. But going about it this way (fucking in advance) DID NOT work for me at all.

It also really rubs me the wrong way that she suddenly out of nowhere has a hot 3 sum orgy after having been "retired" from the swinging lifestyle for over 4 years now. Those are the kind of situations that I really like and that should have been shared with me, and not a couple of guys from the core of our vanilla social hub. One of our rules was "WE DON'T PLAY WITH VANILLA'S. This was the first time she has had group sex without me being there. Is this setting a new precedent? Probably not, I don't know. It doesn't feel good to me, that I know.
 
Last edited:
Counselors are expensive with no guarantee of a positive result. If I could be assured a positive outcome, it WOULD be worth the investment, but I am well aware that everyone has to be fully committed, and the advice must fit our lifestyle to a tee, otherwise it's not likely to do much good.

Another issue I have with counseling is that there will be a biasing based upon the difference in alternative lifestyle between us and the counseling.
Just because a counselor has had some experience themselves doesn't mean much to me. They would more than likely come off as much more vanilla than my wife and I. I just don't see us taking them very seriously unless they have truly been as deep through the journey as we have.

Sometimes the positive result is not advice, per se, but learning how to communicate better with each other. A good counselor can facilitate that without needing to offer advice.

That said, kdt26417 has a list of links to help you find a poly-friendly professional who can help (Found it in this thread doing a search on "poly-friendly":
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=74278&highlight=poly-friendly
 
As grateful as I am for my husband to be able to vent, I am not all that fond of this idea to ask advice from a website like this. Since everyone is so quick to point fingers, cheating, betrayal etc, this doesn't feel so great to me.

I'm glad you understand his need to vent. I understand you being uncomfortable with the responses. However, it's probably better that he vent here, to a forum full of strangers, no?

Here is my question?
Is it a bigger betrayal that my husband was not there for me when my dad was passing or is it a bigger betrayal that I had sex with my best friend and my husband didn't know about it?

As long as you're keeping score, nothing will get fixed.
There is clearly hurt to be worked through on both sides. Your betrayal hurt him more than it hurt you, correct? And his betrayal hurt you more than it hurt him. How does anyone quanitify who hurt whom "more"? You can't. It's subjective.

You're hurt and he's hurt. Making each other hurt more won't start the healing process.
 
There are good counselors and bad counselors, good priests, doctors, teachers, and bad ones.

I have had a couple lackluster counselors. But the one that helped me most was adept at counseling people in alternative lifestyle situations. (Not just poly, D/s, etc. but also our alternative parenting style, since we were homeschooling our kids at the time.) Her husband was also a counselor, they shared a home with 2 offices. At first, both of them offered to be present at couples counseling with my husband... but I didn't like the dynamic the counselors had together, nor did my h, so we fired him and kept the woman. We liked her better. I have no idea if they practiced anything alternative... they seemed like progressives, open minded, non judgmental to the max, and that was all I needed. She helped me greatly in making decisions about where I wanted my life to go.

There isn't so much emphasis on "vanilla versus..." here. Many poly people ARE vanilla. They don't swing or do group sex or BDSM. They just happen to love more than one person. Some of our members are in fact monogamous and involved with a poly partner.

We do need counselors who are able to deal with that life choice or love-style. (It's not a lifestyle.)

We also take an extremely low view of cheating.

And I personally think it's odd that some people come in contact with polyamory thinking it means all group sex all the time, or a triad or quad living together and sharing everything. Most poly people do not live with all their partners. There is quite a bit of turnover in many poly people's lives, and we are also aware that NRE (new relationship energy) can paint a false rosy picture of how truly compatible we might be with a new lover, and how moving in together before a year has gone by is probably too soon. There are also quite a bit of LDRs in many poly people's lives.
 
Mr here:

I do feel like I am a good communicator. My wife is too once she calms down.

I have never been officially schooled in communication in any kind of formal way, but my rules for good "common sense" communication would be:

1. Never raise your voice at the other side. When you do that, you instantly break down communication because you are assuming the position that what you have to say is more important than what they have to say.

2. Listen and repeat back to them what you think they are saying. Not word for word, but how you are interpreting what they are saying.

3. Work toward identifying the problem, the core of the problem before working toward a solution.

4. Once the problem is identified, move toward being solution oriented.
"It sounds like this is the problem, should we try something like this as a solution?

5. Stay in the moment, we can't change the past, let's work toward solution or resolution.

6. Don't rush to judgment. Nothing has to be done today. It's ok to think, sleep on it etc. Patience. Don't expect the world to change in a day.

7. Create a reasonable template for both parties to follow that can be agreed upon and set aside time each week to see how everyone is doing.


Just a few things that come to mind…. of course there are more.
 
There are good counselors and bad counselors, good priests, doctors, teachers, and bad ones.

I have had a couple lackluster counselors. But the one that helped me most was adept at counseling people in alternative lifestyle situations. (Not just poly, D/s, etc. but also our alternative parenting style, since we were homeschooling our kids at the time.) Her husband was also a counselor, they shared a home with 2 offices. At first, both of them offered to be present at couples counseling with my husband... but I didn't like the dynamic the counselors had together, nor did my h, so we fired him and kept the woman. We liked her better. I have no idea if they practiced anything alternative... they seemed like progressives, open minded, non judgmental to the max, and that was all I needed. She helped me greatly in making decisions about where I wanted my life to go.

There isn't so much emphasis on "vanilla versus..." here. Many poly people ARE vanilla. They don't swing or do group sex or BDSM. They just happen to love more than one person. Some of our members are in fact monogamous and involved with a poly partner.

We do need counselors who are able to deal with that life choice or love-style. (It's not a lifestyle.)

We also take an extremely low view of cheating.

And I personally think it's odd that some people come in contact with polyamory thinking it means all group sex all the time, or a triad or quad living together and sharing everything. Most poly people do not live with all their partners. There is quite a bit of turnover in many poly people's lives, and we are also aware that NRE (new relationship energy) can paint a false rosy picture of how truly compatible we might be with a new lover, and how moving in together before a year has gone by is probably too soon. There are also quite a bit of LDRs in many poly people's lives.

It does seem like a very loosely viewed term that is trendy and thrown around.

I met a guy that lived alone and was claiming he was poly. He had 5 girlfriends that he claimed he was having sexual relationships with. Once in a while he would invite all of them over at the same time. On occasion some of them would have sex… but not all of them. Sometimes one of them would be very upset. I was there as an extra to fill in. To me, he was just dating a bunch of women.

The primary secondary model works until the secondary wants to be a co primary.

I don't personally believe much in the co primary situation. The main reason is that there will likely be some kind of situation that will expose the fact that it's not REALLY equal. Like who is going to be invited to the company Christmas dinner where it's a very conservative environment, yearly bonus check gets handed out. Not likely to be showing up with two dates and introducing them as co primaries. Just stuff like that.. it does come up, and it does expose issues.
 
Back
Top