JustCurious83
New member
Ok, I'm going to attempt to shorten this story as much as possible for time sake but this has been going on for 4 months so there is only so much shortening I can do...
I am in a "closed" poly relationship with a married couple and as this is my first poly relationship we talked at length about the rules and expectations of everyone involved. One of the things I was adamant about before I agreed to give it a try was whether just his wife and I would be enough for him. They had come from the swinging lifestyle and got bored with the "no emotional connection" part of it and started looking for a full time 3rd that would fulfill both the emotional and the sexual need. I was assured over and over again that yes, we would be enough, so I agreed to give it a try as I was bored with monogamy and had always been attracted to women but had never experienced anything sexual with another woman. It took quite a while for me to settle into it because of personal hang ups but we are now doing quite well on the threesome side of things, or at least I thought we were.
Back in January we had a pretty serious problem. I had been talking with this woman who wanted me to come work for her and she was way too open about her "indiscretions" at work. Not knowing that this would turn out to be a mistake I told my partners about what she had told me and we all had a good laugh about it. My BF did ask what her last name was but I didn't think anything about it until a few nights later when I was watching him run a race on his computer and he handed me his phone and asked me to text his brother in law. I asked him if he wanted me to wait for a response and he said yes so I held onto his phone for a few minutes waiting for the brother in law to text back. While I was waiting he received a Facebook message and a preview popped up on his screen. It was from this woman that I had been talking to about a job. I will never forget that message as long as I live. "You're killing me! You are so BAD!" I wish I had opened it to see what they had been talking about but I'm not the kind of person who violates privacy so I didn't. I laid his phone down in front of him and said "You got a Facebook message from 'name'" and walked out of the room. Now I'm weird, I clean when In angry or upset so I went in the kitchen and started washing dishes. He came in the kitchen and asked me what was wrong and I asked him if he added her on Facebook or is she added him and he said he added her. Given what I knew about her I wasn't comfortable with it and I told him so. He got angry and put his phone where I could see it and deleted her off of Facebook and said he didn't want to hear another word about it so I decided to just let it and give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Little did I know the shitstorm that was about to hit me square in the face a few days later.
I got up this particular moment and needed to answer some customer messages on Facebook since I use it to market my home based business and pulled up Facebook.com on his computer and he was logged in so I was trying to find the sign out button when a message came in. From her. Again. I was up in the upper right hand corner of the screen looking for the logout so of course when the notification came up I was basically staring right at it. I went red. I have never been that angry and hurt in my life. I was so angry I went completely against everything I believe in and I clicked on the message and scrolled to the top. The first message in the stream was from him. "Well fortunately my wife doesn't know we did anything". The red got for lack of a better word, redder. So again I went completely against everything I believe and I snooped further and all I found was stream after stream of inappropriate conversations with women. Naked pictures where exchanged, illicit meetings where discussed but never confirmed and one woman who I'm fairly certain is from another country kept asking him to marry her!!! I was so red I couldn't see straight so I opened the stream with her again and started typing. Let's just say the conversation ended with her thinking my gf had caught them.
That afternoon she called me and was obviously upset about something and wanted to talk to me so I made arrangements to stop by her work to talk to her fairly certain of what she wanted to talk about. She started telling that she felt really bad that she did something she shouldn't and she was afraid that my "friend" (my gf who also knows her because she tutored her once of twice) was going to hate her, so I asked her what happened. She proceeded to tell me that the last morning morning that my BF got off of work at 8am after a 24 hour shift he came to see her at work, took her in the back room and then into the bathroom, leaned her over the sink and fucked her. She was very detailed in her description of him and the way he likes it for it to be coincidence. I was still very angry so I shamed her into deleting him off of Facebook and blocking him and blocking his phone # on his phone as well. She had me do it because she didn't know anything about electronics. He was at work when I talked to her and was working 2 back to back shifts so I did my best to leave him alone. Unfortunately I couldn't handle the suspense so I went to his work and confronted him. He swore that he didn't have sex with her and by this point I was so tired that I decided to just let this one go and try to forget about it.
Over the next several months I knew something still wasn't right because he protects his phone like he is hiding something. He gets texts from random #s and hides his phone from my view. He gets off work at 8am and rarely ever manages to get home before 9:30 and he works 15 minutes away. I tried everything I could to get him to talk to me, I asked him regularly "do you have anything to want to say to me or tell me without me getting angry?" and the answer is always no or "what are you talking about". I've been walking around for months feeling like I am crazy and not knowing how to proceed, I even added his fingerprint to my phone and I leave it laying around giving him every opportunity to check it out if he wants too, hoping that that might prompt a little more transparency with me but nothing. It all came to a head again a few days ago and I once again went against my nature and invaded privacy only this time it was with my gf. He was mowing the grass and had left her phone laying in the kitchen so I pulled up her text streams and went back about a dozen texts and found them discussing him playing with a woman who works for a local rescue squad and that no one that he used to play with from sls is playing anymore and she reminded him that he wasn't allowed to play with anyone new because she is pregnant and doesn't want to put the baby at risk. I was FLOORED. Not only has he been lying to me but now I feel like she has been too and I just don't know where I go from here. I love both of them excruciatingly but I can't go through life not being able to trust my partners and right now I can't trust them. I talked to her about it and admitted what I did because I felt worse about invading her privacy than I did his because she and I have been best friends for almost 15 years and she and I agreed before any of this started that we would not allow anything to damage our friendship we've had it too long to just let it go. She responded pretty much the way I thought she would and didn't make a big deal out of it and very graciously forgave me just like I knew she would which is why it was easy for me to tell her what I had done. And it obviously didn't damage her trust in me because she has left the house several more times since then and left her phone behind. I haven't touched it again and I won't. I got the confirmation that I needed that he wasn't being transparent with me.
I don't want to loose him, I really don't but when he has been given opportunity after opportunity to tell me the truth and has chosen to continue keeping things from me I don't know how much longer I can live like this. He and I recently had an argument about me drinking and what I really wanted to say was "I wouldn't feel the desire to drink anytime I'm away from you if you would just be honest with me!" but we always end up having these discussions via text and I refuse to tell him exactly how I feel via text, there's too much room for miscommunication.
So here are my questions, what do I do and how do I proceed? And also I have contemplated pulling this up on his computer and letting him find it so he has time to think about it before we talk. Any and all comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
I am in a "closed" poly relationship with a married couple and as this is my first poly relationship we talked at length about the rules and expectations of everyone involved. One of the things I was adamant about before I agreed to give it a try was whether just his wife and I would be enough for him. They had come from the swinging lifestyle and got bored with the "no emotional connection" part of it and started looking for a full time 3rd that would fulfill both the emotional and the sexual need. I was assured over and over again that yes, we would be enough, so I agreed to give it a try as I was bored with monogamy and had always been attracted to women but had never experienced anything sexual with another woman. It took quite a while for me to settle into it because of personal hang ups but we are now doing quite well on the threesome side of things, or at least I thought we were.
Back in January we had a pretty serious problem. I had been talking with this woman who wanted me to come work for her and she was way too open about her "indiscretions" at work. Not knowing that this would turn out to be a mistake I told my partners about what she had told me and we all had a good laugh about it. My BF did ask what her last name was but I didn't think anything about it until a few nights later when I was watching him run a race on his computer and he handed me his phone and asked me to text his brother in law. I asked him if he wanted me to wait for a response and he said yes so I held onto his phone for a few minutes waiting for the brother in law to text back. While I was waiting he received a Facebook message and a preview popped up on his screen. It was from this woman that I had been talking to about a job. I will never forget that message as long as I live. "You're killing me! You are so BAD!" I wish I had opened it to see what they had been talking about but I'm not the kind of person who violates privacy so I didn't. I laid his phone down in front of him and said "You got a Facebook message from 'name'" and walked out of the room. Now I'm weird, I clean when In angry or upset so I went in the kitchen and started washing dishes. He came in the kitchen and asked me what was wrong and I asked him if he added her on Facebook or is she added him and he said he added her. Given what I knew about her I wasn't comfortable with it and I told him so. He got angry and put his phone where I could see it and deleted her off of Facebook and said he didn't want to hear another word about it so I decided to just let it and give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Little did I know the shitstorm that was about to hit me square in the face a few days later.
I got up this particular moment and needed to answer some customer messages on Facebook since I use it to market my home based business and pulled up Facebook.com on his computer and he was logged in so I was trying to find the sign out button when a message came in. From her. Again. I was up in the upper right hand corner of the screen looking for the logout so of course when the notification came up I was basically staring right at it. I went red. I have never been that angry and hurt in my life. I was so angry I went completely against everything I believe in and I clicked on the message and scrolled to the top. The first message in the stream was from him. "Well fortunately my wife doesn't know we did anything". The red got for lack of a better word, redder. So again I went completely against everything I believe and I snooped further and all I found was stream after stream of inappropriate conversations with women. Naked pictures where exchanged, illicit meetings where discussed but never confirmed and one woman who I'm fairly certain is from another country kept asking him to marry her!!! I was so red I couldn't see straight so I opened the stream with her again and started typing. Let's just say the conversation ended with her thinking my gf had caught them.
That afternoon she called me and was obviously upset about something and wanted to talk to me so I made arrangements to stop by her work to talk to her fairly certain of what she wanted to talk about. She started telling that she felt really bad that she did something she shouldn't and she was afraid that my "friend" (my gf who also knows her because she tutored her once of twice) was going to hate her, so I asked her what happened. She proceeded to tell me that the last morning morning that my BF got off of work at 8am after a 24 hour shift he came to see her at work, took her in the back room and then into the bathroom, leaned her over the sink and fucked her. She was very detailed in her description of him and the way he likes it for it to be coincidence. I was still very angry so I shamed her into deleting him off of Facebook and blocking him and blocking his phone # on his phone as well. She had me do it because she didn't know anything about electronics. He was at work when I talked to her and was working 2 back to back shifts so I did my best to leave him alone. Unfortunately I couldn't handle the suspense so I went to his work and confronted him. He swore that he didn't have sex with her and by this point I was so tired that I decided to just let this one go and try to forget about it.
Over the next several months I knew something still wasn't right because he protects his phone like he is hiding something. He gets texts from random #s and hides his phone from my view. He gets off work at 8am and rarely ever manages to get home before 9:30 and he works 15 minutes away. I tried everything I could to get him to talk to me, I asked him regularly "do you have anything to want to say to me or tell me without me getting angry?" and the answer is always no or "what are you talking about". I've been walking around for months feeling like I am crazy and not knowing how to proceed, I even added his fingerprint to my phone and I leave it laying around giving him every opportunity to check it out if he wants too, hoping that that might prompt a little more transparency with me but nothing. It all came to a head again a few days ago and I once again went against my nature and invaded privacy only this time it was with my gf. He was mowing the grass and had left her phone laying in the kitchen so I pulled up her text streams and went back about a dozen texts and found them discussing him playing with a woman who works for a local rescue squad and that no one that he used to play with from sls is playing anymore and she reminded him that he wasn't allowed to play with anyone new because she is pregnant and doesn't want to put the baby at risk. I was FLOORED. Not only has he been lying to me but now I feel like she has been too and I just don't know where I go from here. I love both of them excruciatingly but I can't go through life not being able to trust my partners and right now I can't trust them. I talked to her about it and admitted what I did because I felt worse about invading her privacy than I did his because she and I have been best friends for almost 15 years and she and I agreed before any of this started that we would not allow anything to damage our friendship we've had it too long to just let it go. She responded pretty much the way I thought she would and didn't make a big deal out of it and very graciously forgave me just like I knew she would which is why it was easy for me to tell her what I had done. And it obviously didn't damage her trust in me because she has left the house several more times since then and left her phone behind. I haven't touched it again and I won't. I got the confirmation that I needed that he wasn't being transparent with me.
I don't want to loose him, I really don't but when he has been given opportunity after opportunity to tell me the truth and has chosen to continue keeping things from me I don't know how much longer I can live like this. He and I recently had an argument about me drinking and what I really wanted to say was "I wouldn't feel the desire to drink anytime I'm away from you if you would just be honest with me!" but we always end up having these discussions via text and I refuse to tell him exactly how I feel via text, there's too much room for miscommunication.
So here are my questions, what do I do and how do I proceed? And also I have contemplated pulling this up on his computer and letting him find it so he has time to think about it before we talk. Any and all comments or suggestions are greatly appreciated.