Ahhh, transitions...

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I started practicing poly a few years ago with my husband, because it was important to him. I learned not only to accept it, but also to enjoy it. I've been involved in a loving but "secondary" relationship for about two years now, and separated from my husband for about 18 months. The two things are mostly unrelated to one another.

I have just started feeling capable of dating again, along with a genuine desire to be in a full-time partnership again at some point in the future. I hadn't really considered whether polyamory was important to me all the while I wasn't ready for new relationships. Last week, I bumped into someone I may really like, and we've arranged to have a date next weekend.

I'm experiencing quite a few conflicting feelings. I'm excited. I'm encouraged that I'm excited, because I haven't felt that way about a date in some time. I'm nervous, and all of the other things that come with possible NRE. I'm also sad, because I see a couple of ways things could go, and I don't care for the transition that could come with them, should I genuinely come to like this man, or some other in the future.

I could mention that I've been living a polyamorous lifestyle and would like to include him in it. I fear he'd run away. I fear he'd need more support than I can give. I fear he'd agree and I wouldn't be able to cope with it when he takes another lover.

I could mention that I've been living a polyamourous lifestyle and would be willing to return to monogamy for the right person. Eventually, someone would ask me to do so. And if I do agree, I'd have to break it off with my current lover. I have spoken about this with my current lover, and he would understand and continue to be my friend, but I think the transition would be very difficult for me. I'm awfully attached not just to him, but his girlfriend and her lover as well.

I could break it off with my current lover before anything gets serious with another, but this seems very backwards to me, and likely to many of you. But I'm not convinced that there's a big enough pond to find another poly-practicing man that would suit me out there to form a partnership with.

I think my main trouble lies in not really knowing what I want, or how to go about looking. I do know a few things, though. My current lover is not "enough", and because of other concerns, that relationship is extremely unlikely to develop into anything more "serious". (Which, by the way is not unexpected and doesn't hurt my feelings.) I am unlikely to be willing and able to be completely monogamous again. I will need the freedom to appreciate the beauty of others and flirt and cuddle with my friends at the very least.

In a sense, there is no going back to who I was before I encountered polyamoury. I don't regret opening my heart to the possibility of multiple loves, but I certainly do wonder about the practicality of it all a lot.
 
I could mention that I've been living a polyamorous lifestyle and would like to include him in it. I fear he'd run away. I fear he'd need more support than I can give. I fear he'd agree and I wouldn't be able to cope with it when he takes another lover.

I hate to sound condescending but really, you haven't even went on a date with him yet? IMHO it's way too early to speculate how he might react. You don't even know if the two of you are at all compatible. Isn't it pretty normal to first feel each other out before even beginning the exclusivity talks?

I could mention that I've been living a polyamourous lifestyle and would be willing to return to monogamy for the right person. Eventually, someone would ask me to do so. And if I do agree, I'd have to break it off with my current lover.

But I'm not convinced that there's a big enough pond to find another poly-practicing man that would suit me out there to form a partnership with.

I am unlikely to be willing and able to be completely monogamous again.

I don't think you would be doing yourself or your prospective partner any favours, make-believing you can do monogamy again simply for the fear of being alone otherwise.
 
I understand very well that you're thinking about this now, because it's not just about how this specific person will react, but more about what you want and what you need. Some things come up in your post already:

- you need the freedom to appreciate the beauty of others and flirt and cuddle with friends, but you want to be able to have more
- you don't think the relationship with you lover is enough to satisfy all your relationship needs, but you enjoy it nonetheless and you want to continue the relationship
- you want/need something more serious? What does this entail? Commitment, primary-type-relationships, more time together? Do you think you could get your needs met in a few less-serious relationships, or is "serious" what you're after?

I don't think it is impossible for you to find a man, who is either poly or willing to try poly for you, but obviously it will limit some of the options. You have some worries about that, though. If the person you're interested in would need more support than you are willing/able to give then I guess you wouldn't be compatible. I would think that if you find somebody you truly want to be with, you'd be willing to make yourself available to support him. What do you think? Then again, if you'd have a hard time if/when he finds another love, you do have a whole forum to turn to for help, and I'm sure you can work with that.
 
BlackUnicorn, I'm attempting to think things ahead, and not pinning my hopes on this one date. I think that having a date I was *actually excited about* is what triggered the feelings. I wanted to deal with them as they came up, so that when I am ready to talk with someone about what kind of committment we may wish to offer one another, I am prepared. I should have been more clear in my original post.

Also, this particular date has several aquaintances in common with myself, and I would prefer that he hear about my lover from me rather than from someone else and believe that I am hiding it from him. Therefore, if this date goes well, I'd like to be able to mention it sooner than later.


Rory, thank you for the clarity with which you restated my points, and the questions you posed to me. They are helpful in my process.

Yes, I would like something that can grow to be more serious. I think I'm unlikely to marry a second time, and I'm no longer looking for "the one" as I was before I married. But I would like committment to be there for one another in all situations. I think I would like a live-in situation, and sharing finances and life goals.

I know from experience that a couple of lighter relationships does not work for me. I'm very happy with my lover, but balancing him with other lovers makes me unhappy.... or at least that particular experience did. Balancing him with my husband was relatively easy. My lover's family treats me like family, (and when we were together, included my husband as well). I think it is a lovely situation, but it is structured so that I am "secondary", and because of that I can't ever expect to live in, share finances, or be committed. If, for instance, one of them got a great job opportunity in the North Pole, they would decide what is best for them, and I would not be consulted. Absolutely, I'd like to continue to see my lover, because I enjoy it.

As for dealing with it if/when a potential BF might take a lover, I know that those fears come from my experiences with my husband. As it turned out, he was not very respectful of my preferences when choosing and introducing a partner. I felt very betrayed, and I'm fearful of the same behaviour in others. I guess that speaks about my choices, and how important it is to insist upon partnering only with someone who will be respectful around my comfort zone. And it's my responsibility to know my own zone, so to speak.

A few things I know:

  • I need sexual safety: clean test results and barrier protection.
    I need my partners to be interested in stability (I can't handle a string of new people in my life. I will try to get attached to a metamour, and I need to know he/she has the possibility/intention to stay in my life for some time.)
    I want a family atmosphere.
    I need friendship/love with the people I fuck.
    I want a primary lover.
    I want to be able to flirt & maybe make out with my friends.
    I need to be able to honestly share my attraction to others with my partners.
    I need to feel respected and honoured by my partners.

Actually, that's more than a few things, and I'm starting to feel better already... I've turned the fears back around into my choices and priorities. Thanks to both Blackunicorn and Rory for commenting and helping me clear things out.
 
Glad to hear that I was able to help. :) I agree that you have a lot of good stuff figured out already!
 
As someone still recovering from my separation and impending divorce, I can relate to the mixture of nervous excitement, sadness, and confusion you're feeling. It's been over a year since my hubs moved out and I've been dating, am seeing someone casually, and for the last two days I've been crying on my couch over the end of my marriage. Sometimes I miss my husband so much it is overwhelming, even though I totally enjoy hanging with my lover. And there's a whole realm of possibilities out there waiting for us, which is very often difficult to grasp.

Frankly, I don't think you have to worry about find a poly man who will enter into a poly arrangement with you right away. It's not like poly tangles just snap into place in someone's life like a puzzle piece. The right combinations of people often take time to find and develop. Besides, you say you don't really know what you want anyway, so how can you plan or predict?

So, date! Date for fun. Date with the goal of going out, doing fun things, and enjoying someone's company. There are so many cool guys in the world, what's wrong with meeting someone, getting to know him and seeing what happens without steering things toward some end goal? You don't even have to bring up the word polyamory right away, just tell the guys you date that you're seeing someone and are open to dating other people, and you just want to take things slowly. As you date more, you'll meet someone who wants to keep seeing you and then you each get to know each other more, you'll let him more and more into our life, and things will just progress the way they're meant to!

Breathe, relax, have fun.
 
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Nycindie, I totally get what you mean about missing your husband and being happy with a lover at the same time. Lots of my friends don't, though some do.

It's not that I feel I need to find someone to be in a poly tangle with me right away. Or perhaps even ever. I sort-of fell into a poly relationship because of my husband. I'm not really sure it's something I want in the long run.... except I'm already in it now, and leaving doesn't feel right either.

In the meantime, I feel a value conflict in dating without sharing this information, and it drives me a bit crazy. I guess part of the legacy of my broken-up marriage is that I now need a really high amount of openness in communication in order to feel at ease. Like many, my husband cheated on me before he "discovered" his poly side. I feel as though I'm cheating if I leave stuff out... especially where sexual partners are involved. I can't remember if I originally posted about that? I'm obviously involved with my lover, and I'd like to be with the new squeeze too.

I had a chat with a poly friend this morning, and we practiced how to bring it up in a non-threatening way. I had been feeling quite anxious, having decided that I needed to tell him, but not really knowing how to go about it. So I have a few segues, from best/worst dating scenarios, to different ideas about what constitutes friendship/relationship, to not limiting love, to open relationships. She also encouraged me by saying that she generally only has a 20% run-away factor. So we'll see how it goes.
 
Oh yeah...

And the first date was fantastic. So was the second. The third is planned for next weekend.
 
And the first date was fantastic. So was the second. The third is planned for next weekend.

<squeal!> Ooooh, oooh, good for you! Yay! So, now I'm dying of curiosity. Did you bring up poly with him? If so,how did you do it? If not, do you feel like he'd be open to it? What's your sense of this new guy? Oh, I love the excitement of the first few dates!
 
I didn't bring up polyamory at either date....

I'm typically slow to warm up, and spend most of a first date (or first several dates) deciding if I feel the person is someone around whom I can be comfortable, and at what pace. I had spoken with him on the phone a couple of times, but since we live in neighboring towns, I wanted to see him in person before I made any decisions about my attraction level. We got along well! We played rockband, then headed out for dinner, and snuggled up with a movie to end the evening.

I had planned to talk about poly on the second date. And then it sprung up on me, as he invited me to stop by two days later while I was still in town. I tried to start a conversation that could segue into a discussion of relationship styles, but he made a joke and ran with it, and the moment passed. It was a relatively short and light meeting, so I didn't want to press it.

Anyways, my general impression of him is that he's quite open, but I don't know if that translates into open about relationships. He wasn't freaked out about my ex-husband and his family still being involved in my life, so that's a good sign. I'm still not sure of the pacing... I think if I hadn't mentioned that my mom was expecting me home he would have invited me to spend the night. I find myself drawn to him physically, but I also notice that I have strong boundaries that I'm keeping up both physically and emotionally. So we'll see.

I spent this weekend with my Lover and his GF, and we talked about this budding relationship with squeeze and my conflict over remaining open or not. Lover and GF both expressed pleasure for me, and encouraged me to follow my heart, reassuring me that a place in their family was not dependant upon sex. Lover's body language definitely expressed posessiveness this weekend, as well, which tell me he's also feeling vulnerable... he's not super at communicating with words. Or perhaps more accurately, he has the skills and often chooses to keep his thoughts and feelings to himself.

I likely won't see or talk to Lover again until after my next date with Squeeze. I really don't want to give Lover up. I went through my journal the other day, and I noticed over the past year how much I have learned in my interactions with him. I also noticed that even a year ago, I identified that I needed more than he can give. I hadn't realised I'd been feeling that way for so long.
 
I spoke with Squeeze on the phone last night, and just went ahead and brought up the topic of (non)exclusivity and sex. I had a practice bit from a friend with experience, and I pretty much went from her step 1 right to something much more me....

Which is good. I've been trying to be more and more me, and do what is right for me.

In any case, Squeeze prefers exclusivity because he believes it is less complicated. And in that sense, I absolutely agree. It is less complicated. But he didn't judge me for practicing nonmonogamy, or run away because of Lover. He acknowledged that it will take a bit more time to get to know one another, and also asked me not to share details about my time with Lover. I can certainly honour that.

So, the part of this that was a value conflict is gone, and I am thankful for that. I can get to know Squeeze without feeling like I'm lying by omission. I guess now I still have to figure out what I want, and whether practicing polyamory is important to me.

I waffle on this one pretty consistently, and looking back, I think I have since... well since I started, really. I value many things about polyamory, and I have certainly learned a lot about myself through it. I don't see the acceptance going away.

And in the time since I split with my husband, my idea of what constitutes monogamy has changed, too. Back in the day, I was unhealthily mono... I didn't acknowledge crushes, avoided friendships with men, and expected the same of my husband. I thought marriage synonymous with ownership, though I didn't recognise it as such at the time.

Well, I'm going to stop there for today, as the rest of my thoughts are a bit unformed.
 
I spent this weekend with Squeeze. :) I am so very smitten.
I'm starting to feel so much more comfortable around him. I had a GREAT time! I caught a ride into his town with one of his close friends. Friend and I got on well, and the three of us went out for dinner, then played rock band into the night. Saturday Squeeze and I had brunch then went out around town, and ended the evening off cuddled up and sharing favourite TV with one another. We seem to have very compatible interests and great conversation. We snuggled up in the same bed, and enjoyed some kissing.

It seems that his relationship-creation path is somewhat different than mine. He doesn't give a lot of explicit signs or discuss his feelings. I am pretty open about liking him, and show physical affection easily and clearly. I find myself challenged to be secure and confident. I think I'm up to it, but it feels strange because my experience has been with men who are very up-front about wanting to be with me.

On the other hand, though he doesn't give me a lot of signs, those that he does give are positive. That helps with being confident.

I haven't seen Lover in about a week. Having this time to consider things without pressure convinces me more and more that I am changed by my experiences with polyamory. I truly enjoy my time with Lover, and his family. I don’t want to give them up. Though I do admit that I would still be happy if I had less time with them. I notice that Lover remains steadfast in his statements around how he feels about me seeing someone else, and curious about Squeeze and happy for me. But his body language sometimes says “I need you to still love me too.” GF seems a bit more possessive, but in a joking matter. I’m beginning to think that she gets a lot of support from me that I didn’t realise.
 
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