I have a slightly longer story with some questions mixed in because it would be great to get some feedback. This is first poly relationship after all. In the beginning I had this poly dream about getting along very well with my metamour. I started a relationship with a man that had another partner for a few years prior to us. At this point we've been together for over a year and my metamour fantasy came crashing down to reality from almost the beginning. But I'm going to leave the past in the past and focus on the current problem(s).
Recently my partner was with his other partner. They are long distance and try to spend time together when they can. It's generally a few weeks here and there every 5-7 weeks. A few days ago while on my way to work, I receive a text message from her explaining how she had, without his knowledge, gone through him and my text messages. A few weeks worth. In a few minutes, probably longer, of desperation and insecurity she had gone through specifically our messages to each other while he was out trying to catch him in a lie because, as she explained later, she felt that he was being distant and not forthcoming about something, she just wasn't sure what. Now, I did my best to be understanding while at the same time straight forward with her that what she did violated my privacy, my partner's privacy, and the privacy we share as a couple. I won't lie, she caught him lying to her about having asked me to an event before discussing with it to her first (this is an entirely different issue), and worse than that I went along with the lie because I thought it would be best in the long run if she was able to be honest in regards to her feels about me going. She has a tendency to say we/he puts her in situations where all she can do is say yes. There is a history here I don't have time to get into.
When my partner found out he was extremely upset. Due to that incident he ended up coming back a day early. It wasn't until later in the week he was in a place where we could have dinner and talk. After dinner we went back to his place to spend the night. While we were spending time together I kept thinking that I was hearing his phone go off. And when I eventually checked my phone before bed I saw multiple missed calls and text messages from her saying things like how he needs to call her immediately and such. I let him know and he calls her back. When he returns from the phone call he tells me that I have to leave. That she said if I stay the night she would break up with him because he didn't tell her prior that I was staying over, despite the fact that they hadn't spoken in a few days.
Now, here are my questions...
- What are people's feels on snooping in poly? Because I'm a firm believer that snooping is not okay under any circumstances other than if someone goes missing or something like that. I'm still fairly new to poly and am concerned that maybe my expectations are off.
- We do not have a primary/secondary poly structure. What are people's experiences with ultimatums like the one I mentioned? On one hand, I'm deeply upset with him to have made that choice that ended up with me walking home alone in the middle of the night, but on the other hand I don't know what I would do if someone gave me that ultimatum. And I'm upset with her for having put him and then me in that situation. How am I supposed to feel about this?
- Despite feeling violated by her snooping, and then her wanting an apology from me for the part I played in the lying, and then giving him an ultimatum, I am still trying to be understanding to what she might be going through. Most of me thinks her reading those text messages only hurt her more. Would you have been as understanding or how do you react when a boundary is crossed?
- I enjoy seeing my partner happy and love knowing he's having a good time. Even if that means I'm not involved. Is it too much to ask that my metamour be happy for us when it comes to milestones and such that come up in our relationship?
Recently my partner was with his other partner. They are long distance and try to spend time together when they can. It's generally a few weeks here and there every 5-7 weeks. A few days ago while on my way to work, I receive a text message from her explaining how she had, without his knowledge, gone through him and my text messages. A few weeks worth. In a few minutes, probably longer, of desperation and insecurity she had gone through specifically our messages to each other while he was out trying to catch him in a lie because, as she explained later, she felt that he was being distant and not forthcoming about something, she just wasn't sure what. Now, I did my best to be understanding while at the same time straight forward with her that what she did violated my privacy, my partner's privacy, and the privacy we share as a couple. I won't lie, she caught him lying to her about having asked me to an event before discussing with it to her first (this is an entirely different issue), and worse than that I went along with the lie because I thought it would be best in the long run if she was able to be honest in regards to her feels about me going. She has a tendency to say we/he puts her in situations where all she can do is say yes. There is a history here I don't have time to get into.
When my partner found out he was extremely upset. Due to that incident he ended up coming back a day early. It wasn't until later in the week he was in a place where we could have dinner and talk. After dinner we went back to his place to spend the night. While we were spending time together I kept thinking that I was hearing his phone go off. And when I eventually checked my phone before bed I saw multiple missed calls and text messages from her saying things like how he needs to call her immediately and such. I let him know and he calls her back. When he returns from the phone call he tells me that I have to leave. That she said if I stay the night she would break up with him because he didn't tell her prior that I was staying over, despite the fact that they hadn't spoken in a few days.
Now, here are my questions...
- What are people's feels on snooping in poly? Because I'm a firm believer that snooping is not okay under any circumstances other than if someone goes missing or something like that. I'm still fairly new to poly and am concerned that maybe my expectations are off.
- We do not have a primary/secondary poly structure. What are people's experiences with ultimatums like the one I mentioned? On one hand, I'm deeply upset with him to have made that choice that ended up with me walking home alone in the middle of the night, but on the other hand I don't know what I would do if someone gave me that ultimatum. And I'm upset with her for having put him and then me in that situation. How am I supposed to feel about this?
- Despite feeling violated by her snooping, and then her wanting an apology from me for the part I played in the lying, and then giving him an ultimatum, I am still trying to be understanding to what she might be going through. Most of me thinks her reading those text messages only hurt her more. Would you have been as understanding or how do you react when a boundary is crossed?
- I enjoy seeing my partner happy and love knowing he's having a good time. Even if that means I'm not involved. Is it too much to ask that my metamour be happy for us when it comes to milestones and such that come up in our relationship?