Dagferi called it and here is where I'm at

When metamour reacted with suicide threat and hinge pushed therapy for her, she waffled out and said she had no intentions of committing suicide as she had children. Hinge said he didn't want to piss her off pushing therapy and having to live with anger and a grudge so backed down from trying to get her mental help.

She started reading More Than Two. Then told hinge she wanted her weekends back. And then when hinge asked her to quantify things she needed to feel cared about, she flipped out and said she was done, she no longer cared to consider other people's needs and wasn't open to negotiating a schedule.

After further discussion, hinge and I adjusted a schedule to 6 meets a month instead of the 8 as we had agreed to, mostly because he offered a schedule to metamour and messed up his math. I no longer go over to their house and am skeptical of the future arrangement but am trying to be considerate and flexible.

I reserved the right to re negotiate the terms of our visitation after a prolonged period of time. Hinge and I, when metamour was reading More Than Two had tentatively made plans to try again and were not broken up. Apparently hinge had a panic attack and tried to break up with me to protect me but admitted he hadn't stopped loving me or wanting to build something long term. He was trying to protect me from metamour.

I told him I was an adult and not to make decisions for me, that I would decide when the bullshit and hurt were too much. Which after we discussed the schedule, I told him that if my time with him were diminished any further I would seriously need to consider a permanent break. He had asked to remain friends and as I consider him to be in a situation of emotional manipulation and abuse and did not want to isolate him, I told him that regardless of a romantic relationship if he needed help, he could come to me and as long as it did not hurt or destabilize my children, that I would help him as much as I could.

I suppose there is more drama in the future as I am uncertain of the metamour's stance. She says she doesn't care about anyone's needs but herself and is currently leveraging parental guilt on hinge. But I guess he will deal with it though I try to offer suggestions like game nights once a week for him and the kids or other things.

I am not happy about the diminishing of the meets but he's made it clear it's not sex and that he does value me. And I could not figure out how to diminish my attachment to him.
 
Well ick, Sageflutterby. I'm sorry it went in this direction. I was hoping otherwise.

Seems to me you are coping with a difficult situation as best you can. It's a terrible truth but until someone is willing to leave an abusive and/or manipulative situation, there is little anyone else can do for them. And you are already doing it, with offering to help as long as it doesn't hurt you or your children. Good for you.

I've found that as time goes by, I will often lose respect for someone in a hard situation who refuses to get out, make changes, or generally take responsibility for their part in a mess. Your boyfriend (?) is not responsible for her behavior or mental health but he is responsible for his reactions to it. He is responsible for what he is choosing to do in response (and not choosing is a choice).

I wish you the best.
 
I suppose there is more drama in the future...

I agree. I get the feeling it will just lead to some new drama outburst later down. I hope when that happens, he's firmer about mental health care and doesn't let her slide like some kind of perpetual snooze tag. Or at least he decides he is done putting up with it and gets out. If he cannot take it any more he could choose to bow out and alert her next of kin that they are up to bat because he's done trying.

When metamour reacted with suicide threat and hinge pushed therapy for her, she waffled out and said she had no intentions of committing suicide as she had children. Hinge said he didn't want to piss her off pushing therapy and having to live with anger and a grudge so backed down from trying to get her mental help.

Her using suicide as some kind of hold over him is NOT good.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2011/11/manipulated-by-suicide-threats/

If it happens again, I hope he calls 911 and lets professionals handle it. This cannot become a circle thing where she threatens suicide and he doesn't get her care... that doesn't really help anyone.

I told him I was an adult and not to make decisions for me, that I would decide when the bullshit and hurt were too much. Which after we discussed the schedule, I told him that if my time with him were diminished any further I would seriously need to consider a permanent break.

That's your line in the sand. If he keeps going along with her wacky where she chips away at (you+his) relationship? And he does nothing?

You know to get you out of it so you aren't getting dinged any more.

Galagirl :(
 
Last edited:
I read the replies. And I agree with the assessments and what has been said. It would have been easier if I could detach but I'm not at a point where I can imagine a future without this person. Though I have been seriously considering whether crumbs is better than nothing at all.

And I have bent my original terms which he agreed to before starting the relationship in my efforts to allow space for him and metamour to take care of her insecurities. I am not sure how long I will be able to operate on this pendelum of not wanting to let go and wanting to get away from the hurt.

I do not believe I will continue attempting poly relationships later in life as it feels like too much emotional work and drama from third parties and not enough reward. I continued with the hinge because I recognized our problems are not a lack of love and communication for us.

I did try, in an attempt to detach and see if I could just enjoy time away from him hanging with someone else. I re-opened the Okcupid profile but after getting a few messages opening up with "are you diseased in case we get more intimate" and a suggestion of a hotel room for a first date from another person, I was disheartened.

Anyways, I may check in from time to time for poly advice but I am trying to restrain writing out every bit of drama. This forum has helped me with objective perspectives, which I needed because I feel my partners are always biased by love for me when I ask for their take after a rant.

So thank you for the time and attention and advice the community gave me when I needed reassurance and support. Thanks.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this Sage.

Unfortunately I have went through having to deal with a crazy metamour before. No fun let me tell you. I have run into it more than once. I actually won't date poly men who have a live in nesting partner due to my experiences. Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, three times is a trend.

But in polyamory's defense we are not all dramatic messes. I don't put my nose in any relationship my partners would have. I do not care how muxh time they spend with their partners, if the go on vacation together, or etc. I just want to be left out of their relationship.

My relationships are drama free. There is no tit for tat between my guys. No competition. No drama.
 
Hi Sageflutterby,

Sounds like you are caught in an endless circle of metamour crazy. Not fun. She needs therapy, but she needs to go willingly, otherwise it won't help. Guard yourself and don't let yourself endure more crazy than you can endure and still keep your health. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I do not believe I will continue attempting poly relationships later in life as it feels like too much emotional work and drama from third parties and not enough reward.
What you have experienced is less "poly" than Monogamist BS stretched out to fit Romantic nonsense.

Polyamory is certainly not everyone's "cup of tea," but you were so willing to work with the concept that it's a bit of a bummer that you couldn't actually have experienced being in a relationship with a polyamorous person -- that is to say, your buddy totally sucks at even pretending to be poly.
________________

What definitely bugs me is that I won't be surprised if they do it all over again.

People are really good at targeting others to blame for their own failings (scapegoating). Like, with you out of the picture, she will feel victorious & self-righteous. On retelling, the focus will soon shift away from her unwillingness to compromise (and his gross ineptitude at keeping communication upfront & honest), and instead it will be painted as all due to YOUR presence. With you out of the picture, problem solved -- they, naturally, did nothing wrong except tolerate YOUR shenanigans for too long. :rolleyes:

He will begin to get restless &/or demand too much of her time & attention. They will (of course!) consider themselves well-experienced at being poly, & she'll loosen up on the leash again.

Being Monogamists, they won't feel good about simply letting him "play the field" & date willy-nilly, getting laid at random. Nope; for their separate reasons, they will both want something more tame, controllable, stable, predictable.

Solution: he'll need to get a steady girlfriend, "a little on the side" from his REAL relationship, which of course will have Number One priority.

Also a bummer is that the next target won't be someone who is aware of how poorly you fared. There really is no "poly community." :eek:
 
Back
Top