manners

saltedpaper

New member
I believe every set of lovers is able to make their own rules/guidelines everyone in the group must adhere to them.

I wonder what people think of this situation. Two lovers (L and C) each have one other lover (L + Q, and C + J). Q and J are monogamous. L often has sex with C and Q in the same day. C just learned of this and is uncomfortable.

All four are now working on the guidelines for questions like should someone have sex with both their lovers in the same day. How much time should pass between lovers? What sort of bathing/cleaning should they do between partners? Do they have an obligation to tell both lovers about it.

Does anyone have similar experiences? Anything that's worked well, not worked well?
 
I would not allow anyone to dictate when I can have sex with anyone. If someone decided they didn't want to have sex with me because I had sex with someone else, then that is their choice. I really can't see myself being with someone who had that hangup though. It's never been an issue for me.

In general, rules don't work.
 
You can't do this by committee.

Everyone has their own standards. The problem you had was bad communication.

So fix that.
 
C just learned of this and is uncomfortable.

I think it's on C to make their preference known in light of new information. It's not a committee thing.

My spouse used to smoke. He's quit years ago but back then... I wished he didn't smoke but I could not tell him what to do with his body. I COULD ask him not to kiss me with smoke face and to wash/brush teeth first. Because then his body is coming over here to interact with mine. And I don't like smoke face kissing. It's a turn off and bothers my asthma if I'm around smoke. I prefer the smoke smell/taste be gone. Otherwise I'll pass. He thought that was reasonable so he'd wash up. Not a biggie.

So I view this like that. C cannot tell L what to do with their body. But when L's body comes over to interact with C's body? C can make their preferences known.

Like "I prefer you not share sex with me on the same day as you other partner. I'll pass." or "I prefer you shower before having sex with me on the same day as your other partner."

C can't tell the hinge how much sex to have. It's their body and their choice what to do with their body. But C can request that C's preferences be honored if L is coming over here to interact with C's body. Because C's body is C's and how/when C is willing to share it? Well, that is up to C.

Galagirl
 
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you're right

Galagirl - I think you're right on there. How much obligation do you think L has to tell C? Is it C's duty to ask every time?
 
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vinsanity0 - do you disclose, ask?

I would not allow anyone to dictate when I can have sex with anyone. If someone decided they didn't want to have sex with me because I had sex with someone else, then that is their choice. I really can't see myself being with someone who had that hangup though. It's never been an issue for me.

Do you volunteer to both partners that you've just been having sex with someone else that day, or do you make them ask?
 
"C just learned of this and is uncomfortable"

"How much obligation do you think L has to tell C? Is it C's duty to ask every time?"

I'm going to address the second bit first. Generally speaking, I'd say that it's up to L to tell C that they've had sex. I see it similar to needing to tell your spouse that you didn't use a condom with someone else so spouse can decide if they want to use barriers/refrain from sex until testing and/or negotiations take place. C could ask if they think it might have happened and perhaps L forgot but I'd say it's C's responsibility. Generally speaking.

L might not want to be that open about when sex with others takes place and I'd suggest that C then decide to refrain from sex 24 hours after any date L so everyone can maintain their boundaries.

What I'd also suggest is if C didn't have any idea about the sex before they were told, maybe they could work on their feelings around it so it isn't this issue that it has become.

See, I've heard of (and experienced) partners who were careless about things like showering and sheet changing between partners and that's why boundaries and rules around the issue came into play. This seems different. C didn't have those issues at all - they just have the knowledge and that is what seems to be the issue. This isn't like GalaGirl and her husband because she could smell the smoke, taste it - it wasn't like he would have to come clean about it. If she didn't notice, perhaps it wouldn't have required the boundary that she set.

My experience with the "24 hour" rule is that it rarely works long term. First, I most often see it work badly for the person who set it. It's usually the Nesting Partner and they end up being told that as per their own rule, sex is off limits to them more often than they bargained for. Then they set new boundaries around the frequency of sex, meaning that NP is limited to when they can have sex with others. No morning sex for example. And that doesn't work for other people (or NP), at this point either relationships break down or NP successfully lies about when they have sex.
 
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How much obligation do you think L has to tell C? Is it C's duty to ask every time?

If L is coming on to C, they have to tell C they had sex that day already. Or respect C's preference and NOT be coming on to them right then in the first place.

If C is coming on to L, and L already had sex? Well, L could inform C.

Since C is the one who cares so much about it? C could also ask every time.

I think they have to sort that part out between themselves for how to best respect that preference. Better both be looking out for it than zero, I guess.

Galagirl
 
"My experience with the "24 hour" rule is that it rarely works long term. First, I most often see it work badly for the person who set it. It's usually the Nesting Partner and they end up being told that as per their own rule, sex is off limits to them more often than they bargained for. Then they set new boundaries around the frequency of sex, meaning that NP is limited to when they can have sex with others. No morning sex for example. And that doesn't work for other people (or NP), at this point either relationships break down or NP successfully lies about when they have sex.

I'm gonna echo this - if my NP and I followed this sort of rule I think we'd almost never be able to have sex, between us having dates with our other partners. Yes, it's uncomfortable - my biggest recommendation for poly is to lean into the discomfort, as that's where you expand your life and your possibilities. ::shrug:: YMMV.
 
I believe every set of lovers is able to make their own rules/guidelines everyone in the group must adhere to them.

I wonder what people think of this situation. Two lovers (Lee and Cash) each have one other lover (Lee + Quince, and Cash + Jo). Quince and Jo are monogamous. Lee often has sex with Cash and Quince in the same day. Cash just learned of this and is uncomfortable.

I can NOT do initials, especially multiple ones! It makes my eyes cross.

I know these are probably made up initials to protect your group's anonymity, but please, all new members, follow our guidelines as stated in the sticky, and don't use initials!

Thank you!

All four are now working on the guidelines for questions like should someone have sex with both their lovers in the same day. How much time should pass between lovers? What sort of bathing/cleaning should they do between partners? Do they have an obligation to tell both lovers about it.

Does anyone have similar experiences? Anything that's worked well, not worked well?

It's up to the members. And no one member can make a rule for all 4 involved to follow. Cash is the only one who is squeamish about getting sloppy seconds. Cash can assume Lee always has sex with their OSO (Quince or whoever) on a date, and not approach Lee for sex within 24 hours of Lee being with an OSO. Pretty simple.

If Lee is trustworthy and really wants sex with Cash within the 24 hour period, they can just tell Cash their last date with Quince didn't involve "sex." Of course, Cash has to decide how they define "sex," also. Is kissing "sex"? Is manual sex, "sex"? Or are they only talking about penis in vagina? Which would be weird, because digital and oral sex can involve lots of spurting body fluids.

Another question that of course comes to mind is, how does Cash feel about having sex with Lee, within 24 hours of Cash having had sex with Jo? Is that OK with Cash, like, a double standard?
 
Hello saltedpaper,

I think that every dyad has to come up with their own rules, and what works for one dyad doesn't necessarily work for another. L (Lee) and C (Cash) need to sit down and talk about C's discomfort, they need to decide what needs to happen between sex with two partners, how much time will pass, what kind of hygiene will be followed, who will be the one to ask or inform about recent sex. I don't think there's one right answer for everyone, every dyad is different.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Do you volunteer to both partners that you've just been having sex with someone else that day, or do you make them ask?

I've never had a partner that cared about that info. I did have a partner who would ask because she got turned on by that sort of thing. Also, I would never ask a partner for that info.
 
No one's mentioned yet that you titled this question "manners." If you're thinking something like, "It's just basic good manners to tell your partner you've had sex with someone else that day!" then you need to adjust your thinking on this.

"Manners" have nothing to do with it. You can speak up if your'e uncomfortable with something, but you should own your discomfort, rather than hiding behind the idea of "certain communication is just good manners."
 
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