Advice? Long term partner not okay with new partner loving me

irrationull

New member
Hello all,
I am new here and I'm hoping you folks could give me some advice!
I have been polyamorous for several years now, and have been dating a monogamous person (let's call him T) for two years. When we began dating, I told him that I am polyamorous and that he would need to be okay with me pursuing other partners. I had a few sexual/FWB type partners in that time but they didn't really last. He handled them well.

Fast forward to about the middle of last year. I started talking to a cute girl (let's call her W) who was in kind of the same boat, dating a monogamous person. For about 8 months, we only chatted, we didn't hang out.

About two months ago things changed on her end and she was able to start hanging out with me (previously overstepping partner realized that she was being unreasonable). W and I started hanging out, and getting somewhat sexual. T was okay with this and didn't mind it.

About two weeks ago, W told me she is in love with me. T says he is not okay with that and doesn't want my relationship with W to progress; that he is only okay with us being friends. He understands that this desire is not logical, but we can not move past it.

Consequently, W does not feel comfortable seeing me when T has this much say in what we can and can't do. Understandable.

Any tips on how to demonstrate to T that he has nothing to worry about? At what point is someone that you love overstepping and being coercive about what you can and can't do? I obviously want to be considerate of what makes him uncomfortable. I also don't want W to be at T's whim, especially when W is not T's partner.

Thanks in advance!


TLDR: My long term partner is uncomfortable with my new-ish partner being in love with me and does not want us to be together. When is a request like this too much?
 
About two weeks ago, W told me she is in love with me. T says he is not okay with that and doesn't want my relationship with W to progress; that he is only okay with us being friends. He understands that this desire is not logical, but we can not move past it.

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Any tips on how to demonstrate to T that he has nothing to worry about? At what point is someone that you love overstepping and being coercive about what you can and can't do? ….

TLDR: My long term partner is uncomfortable with my new-ish partner being in love with me and does not want us to be together. When is a request like this too much?

What difference does any answer here make? Let's say everyone agrees with you that how T feels or what he wants from his relationship is 'unreasonable.' Now what?

Is he really being coercive or did he tell you how he feels about it? Everything we read here at the poly forums is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Then some people get upset with the communication they receive. They don't like the way their partner feels and try to make their partner feel differently.

Well, he feels as he does. It's equally reasonable to say that your request that he feel differently is 'coercive' and 'too much.'


Maybe the two of you want different things from a relationship and are not compatible.
 
Any tips on how to demonstrate to T that he has nothing to worry about?
What does he worry about? I mean, you haven't written about it - i assume you two did talk about it at lenght (these things are usually quite deep and complicated), but how are we to say what to dothat if you didn't tell us that?

At what point is someone that you love overstepping and being coercive about what you can and can't do?
At no point, until it's at the end of gunpoint, tbh. T said he can't be with you if you see W, and while it's escalating as fuck, perhaps it's imply true (at the moment. Maybe he is truly monogamous, but perhaps he simply sees it that way and can't see way out).

So, there is a lot you two/three can do, but it all rests on what EXACTLY is the problem and that is for W (with your or perhaps even some uninvolved friend) to discover.

EDIT/Mistook T for W i think.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong but this sounds like a TMI thing you didn't know was there... or maybe T doesn't understand the word "polyamory" in the way you do.

About two weeks ago, W told me she is in love with me. T says he is not okay with that and doesn't want my relationship with W to progress; that he is only okay with us being friends. He understands that this desire is not logical, but we can not move past it
.

I imagine W didn't tell T she is in love with you. How would he even know? :confused:

Did he understand "polyamory" to be more like "polysexual" -- sharing sex with more than one partner? So he was ok with the FWB thing.

But he doesn't understand polyamory as sharing love with more than one partner? So now that there's love being shared with W he's not ok with that? He wanted something exclusive left for just him?

Consequently, W does not feel comfortable seeing me when T has this much say in what we can and can't do. Understandable.

How does W even know how T wants you to stop seeing W? :confused:

What's your behavior with W? You quit dating W because T said so?

Are you oversharing data with your partners? You tell T about W's feelings and then you tell W about T's feelings? And that behavior compounds the problems?

Any tips on how to demonstrate to T that he has nothing to worry about?

You already did that with the previous partners, didn't you? Remaining honest, trustworthy, reliable, etc?

What makes it different this time for T? That you shared about W's feelings and he didn't want to know those details?

I think it is on him to articulate how this is different for him.

T says he is not okay with that and doesn't want my relationship with W to progress; that he is only okay with us being friends. He understands that this desire is not logical, but we can not move past it.

What does he think will happen if the relationship progresses?

What is he willing to do to move past it? See a counselor? Do some workbooks?

I think you could ask him those things and then let T think on that. His emotional management is not your responsibility. His willingness to try or not try solutions is not your doing either.

He can ASK you for help and make requests, but you don't have to solve his things FOR him and you don't have to agree to do every request.

If he's asked you to stop seeing W because she loves you? (Or just saying he is uncomfortable? I'm not clear on that.)

If it IS a request... I don't think that's a rational or reasonable request.

You could say "Thank you for sharing how you feel. I appreciate that honesty. I AM sorry you are struggling. As for the request... No. I am not willing to meet your request and stop dating W because she recently said she loves me. I told you from the start I was poly. Asking me not to share love with my other partners is not reasonable.

Is there something else I could do to help? Did I overshare in telling you that W told me she loves me? Would you prefer not to know details?

Is it that you wanted to leave something exclusive for just between us? I am willing to meet reasonable and rational requests. Like if you want to do couples therapy I would be willing to go. "

You could be ok with T not being comfortable.

You aren't cheating on agreements, you aren't dating one of his messy people like a sibling or parent or boss... you sound like on your side you are trying to be honest and up front about things.

He seems to see this is not logical... maybe this is one of those times where he has to be uncomfortable for a bit to grapple with it and arrive out the other side?

Galagirl
 
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I imagine W didn't tell T she is in love with you. How would he even know? :confused:
I would assume OP told him? It's pretty obvious...

So he was ok with the FWB thing.

But he doesn't understand polyamory as sharing love with more than one partner? So now that there's love being shared with W he's not ok with that? He wanted something exclusive left for just him?
Exclusive or OP falling in love is something completely different from previous situations and there are other reasons.

How does W even know how T wants you to stop seeing W?
Presumably OP didn't keep T request secret from W? I wouldn't call that oversharing...

You already did that with the previous partners, didn't you? Remaining honest, trustworthy, reliable, etc?

What makes it different this time for T? That you shared about W's feelings and he didn't want to know those details?

I think it is on him to articulate how this is different for him.
It's completely different situation for many people, emotional excusivity vs. sexual one. So even if someone is okay with one doesn't mean they are going to be okay with the other. Even more, given changing situation, that one time they were okay doesn't mean it's not going to be problem again. So, yes, trustworthiness is good, but it's a baseline, not solution to new situation.

I don't think it's on him alone. Communication in relationship is two way street and it's usually better for the more emotionally secure partner to pick up the burden at specific moment.

If it IS a request... I don't think that's a rational or reasonable request.
Uh? That's completely standart request in monogamous relationship... perceiving your partner requests and as consequence emotions as irrational or unreasonable is sure-fire way to worsen the situation.

You could say "Thank you for sharing how you feel. I appreciate that honesty. I AM sorry you are struggling. As for the request... No. I am not willing to meet your request and stop dating W because she recently said she loves me. I told you from the start I was poly. Asking me not to share love with my other partners is not reasonable.
This is horrible. First sentence two sentence are even bad, because of the context of the latter, setting up a scene for rejection. They sound like... someone telling you they don't love you and at the same time stroking your hair gently. Jesus.

So is bringing up that something was told in the beginning. Yeah, sure, and it's good argument. But first, one that is not necessary, and does not have place in such context, nor is arguing that the other person is unreasonable. That's making sure to escalate the emotions and insecurity and lessening understanding....

Better way, if you don't want to meet the request is explaining why you don't want to meet the request without uttering a word about the listening person, but about why it's important to you.
 
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If it IS a request... I don't think that's a rational or reasonable request.
Uh? That's completely standart request in monogamous relationship... perceiving your partner requests and as consequence emotions as irrational or unreasonable is sure-fire way to worsen the situation.

They are not IN a monogamous relationship relationship.

I find it unreasonable for T to agree to participate in a poly relationship and then decide he doesn't want irrationull to share love with their other partners. Why agree to poly then?

"I have been polyamorous for several years now, and have been dating a monogamous person (let's call him T) for two years. When we began dating, I told him that I am polyamorous and that he would need to be okay with me pursuing other partners"

If he thought he could be ok with it but now it turns out that he isn't ok any more? Well... they may have become incompatible over time.

That is sad to come upon 2 years after dating... but it doesn't mean either one of them stinks.

To me? (Accepting a situation may not be compatible any more) is not (rejecting people.) To me it is choosing not to bang heads on wall.

HOW irrationull wants to phrase the conversation to find out where T stands today ...

Well, I gave one example of how I would frame it. That way won't work for everyone. It doesn't work for you, and that is fine. You can give other examples for how to frame it and hopefully Irrational gets a variety of ways so they can ultimately choose how to phrase it for themselves.

So is bringing up that something was told in the beginning. Yeah, sure, and it's good argument. But first, one that is not necessary, and does not have place in such context, nor is arguing that the other person is unreasonable. That's making sure to escalate the emotions and insecurity and lessening understanding....

Fair enough. You don't think that approach the way to go.

I didn't see it as arguing or escalating. T himself already recognized that his desire for W's and irrationull's relationship not to progress was not logical.

I saw bringing it up as clarifying that irrationull's stance hasn't changed -- irrationull still wants poly, still wants to date other people, still wants to be able to share love with all their partners.

As well as asking where T stands today. Does T still want to do this poly thing and is asking for help with X? Or does T want stop participating in a poly situation and is asking irrationull to Close? Or does T want to bow out and break up? Irrationull cannot be a mind reader.

I agree with you in that communication is a 2 way street. I think they have to talk to each other and sort it out. Just because a conversation might be challenging or emotional is not a reason to skip having it.

Yet T's ok-ness cannot be determined by anyone but him. HE has to decide what he is and is not up for at this point in time. He might decide he wants to work through it. Or he might decide no, this is incompatible. He might need some time to work all that out for himself and articulate what it is he wants today as opposed to what he used to want.

And it is not kind for irrationull to rush T through T's process faster than T can go.

So... I think irrationull could be ok with T not being esp. comfortable right now and give him some space if he needs that.

Galagirl
 
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Hello irrationull,

Technically, T is asking too much in that he agreed to you being poly in the beginning. Unless he misinterpreted what poly is? Polyamory = many loves. That means you are involved with people emotionally. Did he not understand that? Did he think that poly was strictly (friends and) sexual?

Another possibility is that T originally thought he could handle the emotional part, but then when the emotional part (W telling you she is in love with you) actually happened, T realized that he actually couldn't handle it. So what is it about the emotional part that scares him?

I think you need to reassure T that he has nothing to worry about. Just because you are starting to get emotionally involved with W, that does not mean that you are going to break up with T. Is that what he's afraid will happen? Show him by showing extra love, that you love him as much as ever (if not more).

What else is T worried about? Is he worried that he will lose his specialness with you? Is he afraid that more love for W will mean less love for him? Is he experiencing some insecurity? jealousy? Is he feeling vulnerable and that's what scares him? If so, maybe he could check out a few of these links:

Let me know if that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Normally I request people follow the Guidelines and use nicknames for partners instead of just initials. I'll say Tom, but you can choose otherwise.

Nowadays, especially amongst younger adults, polyamory is a new and trendy hip idea. Unfortunately, many people misunderstand what it is. This is mostly thanks to the media which keep on portraying it as FMF triads, or at least, group sex. Even non-mainstream shows, like Slutever on Viceland on cable, misconstrue it.

Tom probably forgot what polyamory actually is or can be. Many LOVES. Your W, (Wendy?) is in love with you. You don't say you're even in love with her. So far, you've had rather casual relationships, so Tom didn't feel displaced. Now he does.

Speaking generally, men seem to be more OK with their primaries have The Sex. but not romance. Women seem more OK with emotional intimacy, but only as long as sex acts ABC are not done.

Anyway, the above advice is good. I just had that one point to make.
 
Unfortunately we go through life with people telling us what they think we want to hear.

Sure, I'm okay with polyamory, so long as it isn't polyamory.

I love onions, I just pick them out of my food. Always wanted to live on a farm, spent my whole life in cities.

Please look carefully at yourself here. I noticed you introduced your boyfriend as a "monogamous person". The other girl's boyfriend - same thing.

And with that other couple, it meant she could not see you while she was with her boyfriend.

It just makes me wonder how much you compromised by taking on someone who wasn't so cool with it after all. I don't know, I am asking you to think about it.

You need to talk out what he is not comfortable with. In our case, I have a mistress. It's pretty clear the purpose of the arrangement, lol. We do not refer to her as a friend or some code word.

In your case, the boyfriend needed to be cool not with one-nighters but with another boyfriend.

Boy, us too! We are not doing one-nighters, that is absolutely NOT the point to this.

We don't watch television, we just find everything about it offensive so my default position is to trust what Magdyln says. Television programming is reverse-engineered. They have a target audience and know what will keep them glued to the TV. Their objective is to deliver empty minds to advertisers, not to inform people.

It is tautological that the television will portray the most pervasive popular memes.
 
I am the mono in and mono/poly relationship. I may not be the best person to offer advice, because my marriage is not going so well at the moment, but maybe I can offer some insight from the other side

When you are mono and your partner is poly and finds someone else they love, it is pretty jarring. I have always struggled with feeling inadequate, so the fact that my husband wants a girlfriend in itself is a huge trigger for me. There is nothing he can say to convince me otherwise because as I see it, if I was adequate, he would not feel the need to seek emotional support elsewhere, so that's part of my problem. So far several books therapy, and lots of soul searching have not been able to help that ingrained belief.

The new relationship energy is hard for the odd man out. I watched my partner get all giddy and excited about another woman, that was painful and I felt left out and ignored.

My husband kept talking about his needs and his new GF needs, but no one was addressing my needs. I kept expressing my needs, my husband would forget them or come up with excuses not to address them. So I kept feeling taken for granted and ignored.

My suggestion is be mindful of how you partner feels and how they are being treated. Be mindful of their needs. Have discussions about both your needs and the expectations of each other. But then you both have to follow through. The words mean nothing if there are no actions behind them. Your partner may feel ignored, inadequate, or taken for granted, all of which can lead to resentment. These are things your partner has to work through, but will need your support in. None of us can tell you how to fix it or what specifically to do, because your partner will have to find a way to convey what meets his emotional needs. This is going to be different for everyone.

And be ready for the possibility he agreed to something he didn't understand or thought he was ok with, but when push comes to shove, he now realizes he is not. People are allowed to change their mind. And even though it is painful, if your boyfriend has decided mono/poly not for him, don't try to push him to stay, that may lead to misery

There are probably many long an tearful conversations in your future. Try to hear each other and be respectful of each other.
 
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