I am looking for advice. While I have reached out to many of my friends in the monogamous world, it is hard to get relative advice from folks who haven't, at least in some capacity, experienced part of ethical non-monogamy.
The backstory
My husband (33) and I (also a man, 29) have been married 2 years and together 4. About 1 year into our relationship I betrayed him by hooking up with one of our friends. We obviously didn't split but one of the conditions he put on us if we were to remain together was that we try "hooking up" with others, only together (yes I know now we created a fence around the problem to some degree). That was a rough pill to swallow because it meant addressing my insecurity. We've been "open" ever since, but only played together. Interestingly enough, I wasn't the one who struggled with insecurity. When we would invite others into our bedroom, the initial sexual encounter was fine I recognized that it was what it was. My husband would later tell me that I "neglected" him or "shoved him aside" during the encounter. I never felt that I did, but obliged to try harder to include him. Over time it became clear that it was nothing I was doing, but his own jealousy and insecurity that caused him to lash out, often in very hostile ways, each time with me apologizing but never really understanding. I also realized over time that this disconnected use of sex that lacked emotional connection wasn't working for me. To me sex means something when I have a strong emotional connection, so the concept of random "hook up" leaves me a bit drained and sad.
The communication within our relationship was clearly breaking down and I wanted to fix it. After a ton of resistance by my husband we began couples counseling. It has helped me tremendously. I've learned about my husband, myself, our relationships in general. We have been working on communicating better, albeit a slow process.
Some time ago I began reading about ethical non-monogamy. I read online and found my way to books like "The Ethical Slut" and "More Than Two" (as well as books written for monogamous couples that focused on communication etc). For the first time in my adult life I felt like I was reading concepts that described the kind of feelings I have was having. I sort of felt like I wasn't alone for the first time. All the feelings were starting to come together in my head as thoughts I could articulate.
Earlier this year my husband and I met another guy who we both found attractive. The 3 of us formed a fairly intense relationship quickly. My husband and I discussed asking him to be our "boyfriend" etc. At some point the connection I had with our "boyfriend" blossomed into something like I've never had. It was at that point that my husband flipped a switch and demanded it end. This lead to extreme bouts of anger, hate, and emotional abused from my husband to me - lasting nearly a month of stonewalling, emotional withdrawal, threats of divorce, and absolutely hateful words thrown at me. Because I'd been learning about myself and through our counseling, I knew his anger was masking different emotions and that he was unable to express himself. Insecurity is something with which everyone struggles. When I met my husband I thought "I am an insecure person". Since I've learned to take ownership of my feelings that insecurity no longer defines me, I am simply a person who gets insecure sometimes. The same cannot be said about my husband. His insecurity is a cornerstone of his life, and yet he doesn't see it that way. When he hides behind his anger it is hard to reason and hear each other.
After a very emotional and exhausting several weeks of our inability to find compromise and my husband demanding me to choose, I felt compelled to say goodbye to one of these men. All my friends and society told me that I had to choose my husband, that it was the only moral and honest thing to do.
I feel completely broken in many ways. My husband now feel emboldened and empowered by my decision, but I know it won't last. The next time he feels insecure his anger is going to creep back up. I hurt because someone I deeply care about and love is just thrown to the curb, even though he has been completely respectful, understanding, and compassionate. If I thought sweeping my relationship with my boyfriend under the rug would solve things with my husband it would be easier. I know that's not the case, that this will manifest itself time and time again. I have a sense of resentment and defeat toward my husband and that is not something I want and it isn't something that will make our relationship function.
So here is where I need advice:
Against everything I read I swallowed my pride and agreed to do what my husband said. I do not want to lose him. I know he has flaws, but don't we all. I do see him trying in many ways. I also do not want to lose another love of my life.
What are some ways through this situation?
Keep in mind I have expressed myself through letter and conversations and my husband is adamantly opposed. As he said "its not what I value". I see that as an excuse to not address the demons within. It truly may not be what he wants and that is something I can respect, but the mixed signals I get make me question (it was ok until he was insecure).
My apologies for the length and if there are any typos. Looking forward to any and all help!
The backstory
My husband (33) and I (also a man, 29) have been married 2 years and together 4. About 1 year into our relationship I betrayed him by hooking up with one of our friends. We obviously didn't split but one of the conditions he put on us if we were to remain together was that we try "hooking up" with others, only together (yes I know now we created a fence around the problem to some degree). That was a rough pill to swallow because it meant addressing my insecurity. We've been "open" ever since, but only played together. Interestingly enough, I wasn't the one who struggled with insecurity. When we would invite others into our bedroom, the initial sexual encounter was fine I recognized that it was what it was. My husband would later tell me that I "neglected" him or "shoved him aside" during the encounter. I never felt that I did, but obliged to try harder to include him. Over time it became clear that it was nothing I was doing, but his own jealousy and insecurity that caused him to lash out, often in very hostile ways, each time with me apologizing but never really understanding. I also realized over time that this disconnected use of sex that lacked emotional connection wasn't working for me. To me sex means something when I have a strong emotional connection, so the concept of random "hook up" leaves me a bit drained and sad.
The communication within our relationship was clearly breaking down and I wanted to fix it. After a ton of resistance by my husband we began couples counseling. It has helped me tremendously. I've learned about my husband, myself, our relationships in general. We have been working on communicating better, albeit a slow process.
Some time ago I began reading about ethical non-monogamy. I read online and found my way to books like "The Ethical Slut" and "More Than Two" (as well as books written for monogamous couples that focused on communication etc). For the first time in my adult life I felt like I was reading concepts that described the kind of feelings I have was having. I sort of felt like I wasn't alone for the first time. All the feelings were starting to come together in my head as thoughts I could articulate.
Earlier this year my husband and I met another guy who we both found attractive. The 3 of us formed a fairly intense relationship quickly. My husband and I discussed asking him to be our "boyfriend" etc. At some point the connection I had with our "boyfriend" blossomed into something like I've never had. It was at that point that my husband flipped a switch and demanded it end. This lead to extreme bouts of anger, hate, and emotional abused from my husband to me - lasting nearly a month of stonewalling, emotional withdrawal, threats of divorce, and absolutely hateful words thrown at me. Because I'd been learning about myself and through our counseling, I knew his anger was masking different emotions and that he was unable to express himself. Insecurity is something with which everyone struggles. When I met my husband I thought "I am an insecure person". Since I've learned to take ownership of my feelings that insecurity no longer defines me, I am simply a person who gets insecure sometimes. The same cannot be said about my husband. His insecurity is a cornerstone of his life, and yet he doesn't see it that way. When he hides behind his anger it is hard to reason and hear each other.
After a very emotional and exhausting several weeks of our inability to find compromise and my husband demanding me to choose, I felt compelled to say goodbye to one of these men. All my friends and society told me that I had to choose my husband, that it was the only moral and honest thing to do.
I feel completely broken in many ways. My husband now feel emboldened and empowered by my decision, but I know it won't last. The next time he feels insecure his anger is going to creep back up. I hurt because someone I deeply care about and love is just thrown to the curb, even though he has been completely respectful, understanding, and compassionate. If I thought sweeping my relationship with my boyfriend under the rug would solve things with my husband it would be easier. I know that's not the case, that this will manifest itself time and time again. I have a sense of resentment and defeat toward my husband and that is not something I want and it isn't something that will make our relationship function.
So here is where I need advice:
Against everything I read I swallowed my pride and agreed to do what my husband said. I do not want to lose him. I know he has flaws, but don't we all. I do see him trying in many ways. I also do not want to lose another love of my life.
What are some ways through this situation?
Keep in mind I have expressed myself through letter and conversations and my husband is adamantly opposed. As he said "its not what I value". I see that as an excuse to not address the demons within. It truly may not be what he wants and that is something I can respect, but the mixed signals I get make me question (it was ok until he was insecure).
My apologies for the length and if there are any typos. Looking forward to any and all help!