Frustrated and seeking advice

bcpoa

New member
I am looking for advice. While I have reached out to many of my friends in the monogamous world, it is hard to get relative advice from folks who haven't, at least in some capacity, experienced part of ethical non-monogamy.

The backstory

My husband (33) and I (also a man, 29) have been married 2 years and together 4. About 1 year into our relationship I betrayed him by hooking up with one of our friends. We obviously didn't split but one of the conditions he put on us if we were to remain together was that we try "hooking up" with others, only together (yes I know now we created a fence around the problem to some degree). That was a rough pill to swallow because it meant addressing my insecurity. We've been "open" ever since, but only played together. Interestingly enough, I wasn't the one who struggled with insecurity. When we would invite others into our bedroom, the initial sexual encounter was fine I recognized that it was what it was. My husband would later tell me that I "neglected" him or "shoved him aside" during the encounter. I never felt that I did, but obliged to try harder to include him. Over time it became clear that it was nothing I was doing, but his own jealousy and insecurity that caused him to lash out, often in very hostile ways, each time with me apologizing but never really understanding. I also realized over time that this disconnected use of sex that lacked emotional connection wasn't working for me. To me sex means something when I have a strong emotional connection, so the concept of random "hook up" leaves me a bit drained and sad.
The communication within our relationship was clearly breaking down and I wanted to fix it. After a ton of resistance by my husband we began couples counseling. It has helped me tremendously. I've learned about my husband, myself, our relationships in general. We have been working on communicating better, albeit a slow process.

Some time ago I began reading about ethical non-monogamy. I read online and found my way to books like "The Ethical Slut" and "More Than Two" (as well as books written for monogamous couples that focused on communication etc). For the first time in my adult life I felt like I was reading concepts that described the kind of feelings I have was having. I sort of felt like I wasn't alone for the first time. All the feelings were starting to come together in my head as thoughts I could articulate.

Earlier this year my husband and I met another guy who we both found attractive. The 3 of us formed a fairly intense relationship quickly. My husband and I discussed asking him to be our "boyfriend" etc. At some point the connection I had with our "boyfriend" blossomed into something like I've never had. It was at that point that my husband flipped a switch and demanded it end. This lead to extreme bouts of anger, hate, and emotional abused from my husband to me - lasting nearly a month of stonewalling, emotional withdrawal, threats of divorce, and absolutely hateful words thrown at me. Because I'd been learning about myself and through our counseling, I knew his anger was masking different emotions and that he was unable to express himself. Insecurity is something with which everyone struggles. When I met my husband I thought "I am an insecure person". Since I've learned to take ownership of my feelings that insecurity no longer defines me, I am simply a person who gets insecure sometimes. The same cannot be said about my husband. His insecurity is a cornerstone of his life, and yet he doesn't see it that way. When he hides behind his anger it is hard to reason and hear each other.
After a very emotional and exhausting several weeks of our inability to find compromise and my husband demanding me to choose, I felt compelled to say goodbye to one of these men. All my friends and society told me that I had to choose my husband, that it was the only moral and honest thing to do.
I feel completely broken in many ways. My husband now feel emboldened and empowered by my decision, but I know it won't last. The next time he feels insecure his anger is going to creep back up. I hurt because someone I deeply care about and love is just thrown to the curb, even though he has been completely respectful, understanding, and compassionate. If I thought sweeping my relationship with my boyfriend under the rug would solve things with my husband it would be easier. I know that's not the case, that this will manifest itself time and time again. I have a sense of resentment and defeat toward my husband and that is not something I want and it isn't something that will make our relationship function.

So here is where I need advice:

Against everything I read I swallowed my pride and agreed to do what my husband said. I do not want to lose him. I know he has flaws, but don't we all. I do see him trying in many ways. I also do not want to lose another love of my life.

What are some ways through this situation?
Keep in mind I have expressed myself through letter and conversations and my husband is adamantly opposed. As he said "its not what I value". I see that as an excuse to not address the demons within. It truly may not be what he wants and that is something I can respect, but the mixed signals I get make me question (it was ok until he was insecure).

My apologies for the length and if there are any typos. Looking forward to any and all help!
 
What do you want more?

To live your life being true to your husband?

Or to live your life being true to yourself?
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I could be wrong... but these stick out to me.

HUSBAND

  • Over time it became clear that it was nothing I was doing, but his own jealousy and insecurity that caused him to lash out, often in very hostile ways, each time with me apologizing but never really understanding.
  • The communication within our relationship was clearly breaking down and I wanted to fix it. After a ton of resistance by my husband we began couples counseling.
  • This lead to extreme bouts of anger, hate, and emotional abused from my husband to me - lasting nearly a month of stonewalling, emotional withdrawal, threats of divorce, and absolutely hateful words thrown at me.
  • His insecurity is a cornerstone of his life, and yet he doesn't see it that way.
  • My husband now feel emboldened and empowered by my decision, but I know it won't last. The next time he feels insecure his anger is going to creep back up.

BOYFRIEND

  • I hurt because someone I deeply care about and love is just thrown to the curb, even though he has been completely respectful, understanding, and compassionate

YOU

  • Against everything I read I swallowed my pride and agreed to do what my husband said.

You swallowed your pride? You chose to do something even though it makes you feel embarrassed, ashamed, or humiliated? Or it is something below your standards? You chose to do behavior you are not proud of? Why do that then?

I'm not sure why you would choose to go against your own grain/preferences. It essence it sounds like you chose to hurt you. That's pretty grave. :(

YOUR CURRENT FEELINGS

  • I feel completely broken in many ways.
  • I have a sense of resentment and defeat toward my husband and that is not something I want and it isn't something that will make our relationship function.

Also pretty grave. :(

All my friends and society told me that I had to choose my husband, that it was the only moral and honest thing to do.

I'm not sure why you picked husband rather than BF. BF sounds kind to you. Husband sounds kinda mean to you. :(

I'm not sure how moral/honest it is to choose husband either. You almost sound like you are in cycle of abuse. For sure this is draining you. To me it sounds more like "placate the bully so he stops lashing out at me" more than anything else.

To me? It would have been a moral and honest choice to choose "I am not safe here. I have to end it with husband because he hurts me. This relationship is damaging me." Could have picked being on your own so you can heal from all this bullying.

To me it sounds like you do most of the work, and husband bullies. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. Maybe at the time you weren't ready or able to see that?

Are you able to say no? Like... "No. I love you, but not even for you will I do things or stay in things that hurt me."

If you are now polyamorous and husband doesn't want to participating in a poly thing? At most a random hook up together now and then? And you are not into hook ups like that? I think over time you two have become incompatible.

Add that he's not really willing to work on his issues like you have done? He's not stopping the lashing out/bullying behavior? He resists counseling and progress is going really slow there? And he still goes to the emotionally and verbally abusive place? And you know all this stuff will manifest time and time again?

You may have to come to a decision about whether or not you want to continue being married to him.

This may be a case of "too much effort that you to put in for too little return back from husband and you take serious damage in the meanwhile." It's not fun to think about. But I honestly think that's where you are. :(

If he doesn't want to work on his issues and he basically is going to be using you as a verbal/emotional punching bag any time he gets angry or upset? You may have to walk away in order to help keep you safe and so you do not to get dinged any more. :(

You have worth, value and dignity. You deserve to be treated well. If you are not treated well here? It's ok to walk away.

He brought up threats of divorce... maybe it's time to really think about it. Not in hot headed anger mode, but in a cooler headed way.

  • Are you guys deeply compatible?
  • Do you guys share the same values?
  • Are you being treated the way you want to be treated in this relationship?
  • Do you feel safe here?

Cuz life is long. It's not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

I encourage you to do your soul searching, and maybe go see the counselor on your own about these things.

Galagirl
 
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What do you want more?

To live your life being true to your husband?

Or to live your life being true to yourself?

Wow, this really cuts to the heart of the matter, Bcpoa. Think on this simple question.

I can tell you from 20 years of marriage (15 that were quite happy) that the adages "Relationships require constant compromise" and "Marriage is hard work" are bullshit. If a relationship feels like hard work, if a person is constantly compromising to keep the relationship together, things have already gone south and are already past the point of what togetherness is all about. A good relationship does not feel like hard work, it does not feel like constant compromise. A good relationship feels like you're naturally walking together in the same direction. You might stop and adjust or update from time to time, but the walk together is a pleasure.
 
Hello bcpoa,

I get the impression that your husband is not going to address his inner demons. Not for a long time, if ever. As long as you stay with him, the best move you have is to be strictly monogamous. He is going to respond to any nonmonogamy in a very negative way. He's certainly not going to support you in the kind of nonmonogamy you need. You can of course keep trying nonmonogamy, hoping that he will improve one of these times. But I wouldn't recommend that. It would cause too much drama.

I do not mean to tell you to divorce, I am just guessing at what would be the best way to stay married. I hope your husband has an epiphany and decides to change.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
thanks

Evie - Thanks for the perspective.

GalaGirl - Thank you very much for such a thoughtful reply. I have not heard such blunt and honest analysis of the situation. In many ways it stung a little. I think it stung in a healthy way though.

You raise some valid questions and have given me much to think about over the next few days. I will definitely take on the task of answering those tough questions, with the help of the counselor.

Also, your reminder of my worth and the fact that I deserve to be treated well. :)

FallenAngelina - The hard part for me is that I do not want it to be this way, I want to make it work. But you're right, I cannot be the one giving away myself with just peanuts in return.

KDT - I hadn't thought of trying to put that cat back in the bag. Perhaps it is worth a shot in an attempt to salvage what we have. That being said, to me that's avoidance at best. I don't want to live my life in the tone of avoidance - I want to live honestly and authentically.
 
You are welcome. I'm glad it helped you some.

You DO deserve to be treated well. If husband cannot treat you well. YOU can treat you well and take good care of you. Even if it means walking away from this so you can stop being hurt.

I hope your soul searching/thinking time and your talk with the counselor are helpful. I can imagine these things are not easy.

You seem so much to want the marriage to get healthy and work out. :(

Yet 100% of your effort is only 50% of the fuel that it takes. If he's not going to resolve his inner demons and keeps using your for a punching bag? He's not holding up his end of the marriage deal if he's doing verbal and emotional abuse. In fact, he's actively damaging the marriage relationship and hurting you. That's not good. :(

I hope you are able to make the changes you need so you can live honestly and authentically like you want.

Galagirl
 
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