My wife is asexual, and I'm demisexual. Her asexuality has been weighing heavily on me for some time and it's brought strain on our marriage.
Asexual: Has little to no interest in sexual activity, or may be actively repulsed by sex.
Demisexual: Is not generally physically attracted to and/or doesn't sexually desire another person unless a close emotional bond has been developed first.
Jmsab, did you not realise your wife was asexual before you two married?
- What was your courtship like? Did you engage in premarital sex with your now-wife, and if so, did she appear to enjoy sex prior to the marriage?
In what way is your wife's asexuality negatively impacting your marriage?
- Are you and wife not engaging in sexual intimacy at all? (Enforced celibacy)
- If so, has it always been that way, or has it been that way for so long that you're sexually frustrated and/or in need of more touch/affection that you're getting?
My wife and I recently decided that we'd consider looking for a girlfriend.
We both grew up in somewhat strict, religious homes so the idea of finding a third partner is very foreign. But we're at a point where we want to consider something we feel to be an unusual compromise, before we just give up on our marriage.
Clearly, there is a sexual and/or relational incompatibility here which has led you (both you AND wife, or just you?) to consider "adding" another partner to your relationship. Stark differences in libido are a very common cause of relationship dissatisfaction for many people, asexual or not.
What I'm wondering is... if your wife is NOT interested in sex (at all) WHY is a "shared girlfriend" your mutual goal?
Surely if your wife isn't interested in sex with YOU (assuming the relationship is otherwise fulfilling and happy), then why do you think she'd be interested in developing yet another relationship with somebody else, let alone someone you both plan to be involved with intimately?
Why not agree that YOU can date another person outside the marriage, separately, in order for you to get your physical/sexual needs met, since your spouse is not up for sex and may never be?
If the fear (hers or yours) is that by
you dating someone else without your wife's involvement, it'll cause jealousy, friction and spell the end of the marriage, it might be better to consider ending the marriage now and transition to close friends.
I say the above, because a "third" partner should never be a bandaid for a marriage in trouble. And another person - a real, individual with their own unique feelings and life goals - should never be used to prop up someone else's jealousy or insecurity.
Personally, I am not a fan of the terms "adding a third" or "sharing a girlfriend". I mean, triads do exist and can
sometimes work well, but ideally they ought to come about organically.
It's terribly difficult to find someone else that
both existing partners are interested in/compatible with/are attracted to/love --- especially if there is a preconceived goal or expectation that you'll meet a person and magically fit her/him into this slot.
PLEASE,
before you go out looking for someone to date, google "unicorn hunting", "couple privilege" and the pitfalls of polyamorous triads.