Looking for insight.

Jmsab

New member
My wife and I recently decided that we'd consider looking for a girlfriend. My wife is asexual, and I'm demisexual. Her asexuality has been weighing heavily on me for some time and it's brought strain on our marriage. We both grew up in somewhat strict, religious homes so the idea of finding a third partner is very foreign. But we're at a point where we want to consider something we feel to be an unusual compromise, before we just give up on our marriage.

I'm sure most of you are aware of the fears we would have. I'd appreciate insight into working relationships any of ya'll might have had. Where do we start the conversation with one another? What boundaries are a good starting point for those of us that aren't sure of ourselves? How do we make sure the relationship is fairly balanced? If we decide to pursue a girlfriend, where do we even look?
So many questions.

Thank ya'll in advance for your time.
 
Could you please be willing to clarify?

I am not sure what this means. Blue is mine.

we'd consider (WHO) looking for a girlfriend.

Like you would both consider... YOU looking for a GF? That you would date?

Or you would both consider looking for a SHARED gf... where both of you would be dating the same gf??

But we're at a point where we want to consider something we feel to be an unusual compromise, before we just give up on our marriage.

Is the (health of the people) most important? Or the (marriage existing / not disbanding) most important?

I assume you were some things before marriage -- friends, lovers, dating, etc. Do you not think you can be some things after marriage? How would this path help/hinder you being things post marriage, if it turns out it has to be disbanded?

Like if this dating a third thing becomes a mess... would that ruin any chances of being good exes and friends?

I guess what I'm saying is... think this out very carefully before you try to go there.

Maybe some of these help you guys talk.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com/

Galagirl
 
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Unless you are looking to destroy your marriage adding more people to a relationship does as much damage as a tornado in a trailer park. Your marriage and relationship will never be the same once you start down this path. You cannot put the genie back in the bottle once you start.
 
Like you would both consider... YOU looking for a GF? That you would date?

Or you would both consider looking for a SHARED gf... where both of you would be dating the same gf??



Is the (health of the people) most important? Or the (marriage existing / not disbanding) most important?

I assume you were some things before marriage -- friends, lovers, dating, etc. Do you not think you can be some things after marriage? How would this path help/hinder you being things post marriage, if it turns out it has to be disbanded?

Like if this dating a third thing becomes a mess... would that ruin any chances of being good exes and friends?

Galagirl

We'd be looking for a girlfriend for both of us to share. I guess to an extent we'd be called unicorn hunters. But while we are new to the entire concept, we understand how important it is to both treat the relationship as its own individual relationship with each individual person as well as how each relationship in turn effects the other individual.

The health of our marriage is of utmost importance. If my wife doesn't fully commit in her heart and is uncomfortable with the experience at any time, we will not continue our... investigation? Experiment? I think you know what I mean. Obviously we want to avoid hurting anyone at all. But until we add a third, my wife's feelings are the only feelings I'm concerned about.
Like I said, this is new territory for us. We're not exactly sure how we feel about it. We aren't actively pursuing anyone at this time. We're just trying to gather information to figure out how we'd feel in certain situations and find how to go about testing the waters instead of jumping into the deep end and potentially drowning.

We dated for 6 years before being married and we grew up together. We've known one another for nearly 20 years. If it comes to it, I believe we'd be friends after an unfortunate seperation.
 
We both grew up in somewhat strict, religious homes so the idea of finding a third partner is very foreign.

Are you living in a country where only strict religious homes/couples don't go out looking for a third?

When you say 'a third,' do you mean strictly a girlfriend for you or are you talking about a joint girlfriend for you and your wife both?

Reading your post, it sounds like you're looking for someone to fulfill your sexual desires with. Is this the plan, to get yourself a toy to play with, since your wife doesn't want to? Will you be upfront with the third you find that her purpose is to do the sex business so your wife isn't pressured about it anymore?
 
My wife is asexual, and I'm demisexual. Her asexuality has been weighing heavily on me for some time and it's brought strain on our marriage.

Asexual: Has little to no interest in sexual activity, or may be actively repulsed by sex.

Demisexual: Is not generally physically attracted to and/or doesn't sexually desire another person unless a close emotional bond has been developed first.

Jmsab, did you not realise your wife was asexual before you two married?
- What was your courtship like? Did you engage in premarital sex with your now-wife, and if so, did she appear to enjoy sex prior to the marriage?

In what way is your wife's asexuality negatively impacting your marriage?
- Are you and wife not engaging in sexual intimacy at all? (Enforced celibacy)
- If so, has it always been that way, or has it been that way for so long that you're sexually frustrated and/or in need of more touch/affection that you're getting?


My wife and I recently decided that we'd consider looking for a girlfriend.

We both grew up in somewhat strict, religious homes so the idea of finding a third partner is very foreign. But we're at a point where we want to consider something we feel to be an unusual compromise, before we just give up on our marriage.

Clearly, there is a sexual and/or relational incompatibility here which has led you (both you AND wife, or just you?) to consider "adding" another partner to your relationship. Stark differences in libido are a very common cause of relationship dissatisfaction for many people, asexual or not.

What I'm wondering is... if your wife is NOT interested in sex (at all) WHY is a "shared girlfriend" your mutual goal? :confused: Surely if your wife isn't interested in sex with YOU (assuming the relationship is otherwise fulfilling and happy), then why do you think she'd be interested in developing yet another relationship with somebody else, let alone someone you both plan to be involved with intimately?

Why not agree that YOU can date another person outside the marriage, separately, in order for you to get your physical/sexual needs met, since your spouse is not up for sex and may never be?

If the fear (hers or yours) is that by you dating someone else without your wife's involvement, it'll cause jealousy, friction and spell the end of the marriage, it might be better to consider ending the marriage now and transition to close friends.

I say the above, because a "third" partner should never be a bandaid for a marriage in trouble. And another person - a real, individual with their own unique feelings and life goals - should never be used to prop up someone else's jealousy or insecurity.

Personally, I am not a fan of the terms "adding a third" or "sharing a girlfriend". I mean, triads do exist and can sometimes work well, but ideally they ought to come about organically.

It's terribly difficult to find someone else that both existing partners are interested in/compatible with/are attracted to/love --- especially if there is a preconceived goal or expectation that you'll meet a person and magically fit her/him into this slot.

PLEASE, before you go out looking for someone to date, google "unicorn hunting", "couple privilege" and the pitfalls of polyamorous triads.
 
Hello Jmsab,

As far as where to look, I don't know if you have tried OKCupid? It is one of the best dating sites, and is poly-friendly. Other than that, you just need to communicate with each other all along the way. Never assume anything, no matter how obvious, get/give confirmation. Also, when you find your third, make her part of the conversation. She may have wants/needs of her own that you had not anticipated. And last but not least, keep us updated here on your situation as it evolves, so that we can give you updated advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I am of the same opinion as luna. I disagree with Kevin (kdt) that you should set up OK Cupid profiles and start your unicorn hunt.

If i was approached by a couple like you two, I would RUN the other way. And I think most women with any self respect would as well.

You may be very ignorant of how poly actually works. I don't blame you. The mainstream media, sadly is looking for ratings/hits/money. The most common male fantasy is one man/two women, having sex together. Therefore, mainstream media represents polyamory almost exclusively as one man, two women, all involved romantically and sexually. And usually if not always, having threeway sex.

Sorry, but that is not how poly actually usually happens. The most successful configuration, by far, is the V. One person involved with 2 people, and those 2 lovers of hers are NOT romantically or sexually involved.

It's just too freaking complicated and messy. It causes more jealousy than it prevents.

In your case, as others have pointed out, your wife is asexual. So why would she even need a new partner? Would she like romance, cuddles?

YOU want more sex. Probably, LOTS more sex, seeing as it must be years now since you've had any?? Are you and wife thinking if you somehow "share" a gf... wife won't be jealous or won't be afraid of losing you, or whatever?

But imagine this scenario: You're in bed with both women. One sexual, one asexual. It can go several ways. Your wife watches you and shiny new gf having wild new relationship sex, and she gets jealous and devastated. Or... she gets turned on and has wild sex with new gf, and you get jealous because wife hasn't wanted sex with you for years. But infatuation for the New and Shiny has turned her on (this happens!).

Or, wife doesn't want to see or participate in the sex (since she is asexual!). So you and gf go off and have sex. Maybe wife hears the sex noises. Maybe you and shiny new gf come out of the bedroom all tousled and dreamy and google eyed for each other. Maybe you smell like gf's sex juices, maybe you smell like a fresh shower. Either way, it's weird. Wife gets jealous and fears losing you.

She tries to get romantic, but not sexual, with new gf. Maybe new gf is up for non-sexual romance with wife. This would require her to be bi-romantic as least. Maybe the women enjoy non-sexual FF romance. Yay!

BUT much more likely (and by far the most common poly situation) and best hopes are for the women to become good platonic friends. But then, new gf would be YOUR gf, and wife's "metamour," the partner of her partner. (NOT a shared partner or "third.") Then you have kitchen table poly, where the metamours get along, enjoy hanging out. But new gf isn't a shared PARTNER, she's your new partner, your wife's new friend.

Worst case scenario, the women find out they really can't stand each other, and the only way for you to get sex with gf is to go to her place. Then wife has to deal with possible jealousy cropping up, fear of loss. After all, you like the new gal and you love the sex. You love the wife but don't get sex from her. You may "fall in love" or at least become extremely infatuated, with new sexy gf. She's got a One Up on the wife.

Now, an inevitable part of being new to poly is learning to deal with jealousy and envy. But if wife "can't" deal with her jealousy (some people learn how, some don't), you're telling us, you'd give up sexy new gf because wife and (non-sexual) marriage come first. Then, you've further damaged your marriage with all the turmoil, you miss the gf, you may break up anyway, and you've hurt an innocent party (new gf) in the process. And you're still not getting any sex. Unless, of course, you divorce wife and remain in loving sexual relationship with new gf.

So, I hope this gives insight into how your new and "unusual" idea on how to save your marriage, of an asexual wife married to a sexual husband, is probably a lot more complicated than you imagine.

I'd say, rather than starting up a shared profile on OK Cupid, saying you're a married couple looking to share a gf/hot bi babe/unicorn, you face the facts and open a profile for YOURSELF only, saying you're a polyamorous married man whose wife is asexual, you plan to stay married, but you're open for sex and love with a new women, particularly one who is interested in kitchen table poly with your nice wife. That seems cleaner, and more accurate, at least given what you've told us so far.
 
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If this board actually had sticky posts, this one should be it. Mags, you nailed it.
 
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