Hello everyone. I’m a straight guy in my twenties, and I had long thought of myself as polyamorous (though I wasn’t entirely sure what exactly that entailed). I even had a real disdain for monogamy, and judged people who were strictly monogamous. As such, when I eventually got into a relationship a few years ago, it was obvious for me to ask for an open relationship. My girlfriend agreed, but though we actively encouraged each other to experiment with other people, neither of us did. Then, after a month or two of this, my girlfriend slept with another guy – and it broke me. I fell into a brief depressive period, I would break down in tears at night, completely unable to sleep till the morning. I had never once considered that I might be a jealous partner. As it turned out, I really was. Of course, an open relationship was out of the question for me, and so my girlfriend and I became monogamous.
Since then, the break downs have almost stopped, but what has remained is a great deal of jealousy. At this point, I feel that I should clarify that this does not mean that I’m controlling or distrustful. What it basically amounts to, is that whenever my girlfriend goes out clubbing without me, or sometimes even just meets friends without me, I am overcome by a mix of emotions that I can only describe as pain. Sometimes it’s manageable enough to be dealt with via distractions, other times all I can do is drink to dull the pain.
And I hate everything about it. I hate that I am now restricted to being monogamous (although we have since found out that this is the only form of relationship that works for my girlfriend anyway). I hate that my girlfriend has become hesitant to go out, because she knows what it does to me. I hate myself for being that jealous partner I always judged. But I don’t know what to do about it.
I’ve read tons of articles filled with advice on overcoming jealousy, but they basically all just tell me to love myself (which I think I do to a reasonable degree), to trust my partner doesn’t sleep with others (which firstly I do, but which more importantly shouldn’t even matter), and not to be controlling (which I’m not).
So I guess what I’m asking is this: If any of you have experienced something similar, what did you find to be the underlying issue or fear or whatever (cause I couldn’t even say why her going out makes me feel so bad), and how (if at all) have you managed to overcome it?
P. S. I hope I’m not breaking any rules by posting this here. This forum was recommended to me by a friend I spoke to about this, but since I am monogamous, as is my partner, I’d of course understand if this thread wasn’t welcome here. I also didn’t know where to post. The poly relationship corner seemed fitting, except of course for the part where I’m not in a poly relationship.
Since then, the break downs have almost stopped, but what has remained is a great deal of jealousy. At this point, I feel that I should clarify that this does not mean that I’m controlling or distrustful. What it basically amounts to, is that whenever my girlfriend goes out clubbing without me, or sometimes even just meets friends without me, I am overcome by a mix of emotions that I can only describe as pain. Sometimes it’s manageable enough to be dealt with via distractions, other times all I can do is drink to dull the pain.
And I hate everything about it. I hate that I am now restricted to being monogamous (although we have since found out that this is the only form of relationship that works for my girlfriend anyway). I hate that my girlfriend has become hesitant to go out, because she knows what it does to me. I hate myself for being that jealous partner I always judged. But I don’t know what to do about it.
I’ve read tons of articles filled with advice on overcoming jealousy, but they basically all just tell me to love myself (which I think I do to a reasonable degree), to trust my partner doesn’t sleep with others (which firstly I do, but which more importantly shouldn’t even matter), and not to be controlling (which I’m not).
So I guess what I’m asking is this: If any of you have experienced something similar, what did you find to be the underlying issue or fear or whatever (cause I couldn’t even say why her going out makes me feel so bad), and how (if at all) have you managed to overcome it?
P. S. I hope I’m not breaking any rules by posting this here. This forum was recommended to me by a friend I spoke to about this, but since I am monogamous, as is my partner, I’d of course understand if this thread wasn’t welcome here. I also didn’t know where to post. The poly relationship corner seemed fitting, except of course for the part where I’m not in a poly relationship.