Gecko
New member
Looking around I see that most people here who understand their polyamorous nature, ultimately decide that there's no point fighting or hiding from who you are, and go on to either negotiate poylamory into their current relationship, or end current relationship if thats a no go.
While Ive only discovered the term polyamory quite recently. I think I have always been this way, at least as an adult. I need true loving/spiritual/sexual connections in my life, as we all do. When I meet someone with potential I really struggle with the boundaries in my marriage and I don't easily forget the opportunity lost. It hurts me. I love my wife so much, but it seems such a shame, that we let the social norms keep people away from connecting and sharing love.
I eventually became depressed and lonely, I thought I was the crazy one because everyone I know seems to sit quite happily within the normal social boundaries of western culture. I brought up many times how unhappy I was, even saw a psychologist (which did at least alleviate the depression), but I didnt know about polyamory and so still thought i had to somehow change myself or fix other things in myself to make those desires go away.
Upon trying to save our relationship, (from my affair ) we entered into therapy, and I also am seeing a counselor separately.
Things have gotten a lot better since then.
However, through working on my own issues I have now created the space in myself to grow and live more authentically.
The problem that arises out of that is: I tried for so long to be the guy I was supposed to be, that introducing this newly emerging self identity is at odds with the life I have with my wife. She's mono, she's great just they way she is, and i feel it would be wrong to try and make our relationship polyamorous as I know it would hurt her, and not be something that she finds joy in.
none of this is her fault or what she signed up for. We get along very well in all other areas and make a good team.
Is there no middle ground, where I can be honest with my partner and open up the communication lines about how different we are, about my 'polyness', yet stay together in the mono relationship I originally agreed to...can that work? Can I find happiness by focussing on this relationship to make it great, and then being honest when im having feelings for someone else..will that help me to let go with out acting on them? Or will I just end up miserable and lonely?
I dont know what to do. To be all of me, no matter the cost. Or be just part of me, be thankful for what I do have, and try find a way to 'deal' with the rest?
Words of wisdom greatly appreciated
Gecko
While Ive only discovered the term polyamory quite recently. I think I have always been this way, at least as an adult. I need true loving/spiritual/sexual connections in my life, as we all do. When I meet someone with potential I really struggle with the boundaries in my marriage and I don't easily forget the opportunity lost. It hurts me. I love my wife so much, but it seems such a shame, that we let the social norms keep people away from connecting and sharing love.
I eventually became depressed and lonely, I thought I was the crazy one because everyone I know seems to sit quite happily within the normal social boundaries of western culture. I brought up many times how unhappy I was, even saw a psychologist (which did at least alleviate the depression), but I didnt know about polyamory and so still thought i had to somehow change myself or fix other things in myself to make those desires go away.
Upon trying to save our relationship, (from my affair ) we entered into therapy, and I also am seeing a counselor separately.
Things have gotten a lot better since then.
However, through working on my own issues I have now created the space in myself to grow and live more authentically.
The problem that arises out of that is: I tried for so long to be the guy I was supposed to be, that introducing this newly emerging self identity is at odds with the life I have with my wife. She's mono, she's great just they way she is, and i feel it would be wrong to try and make our relationship polyamorous as I know it would hurt her, and not be something that she finds joy in.
none of this is her fault or what she signed up for. We get along very well in all other areas and make a good team.
Is there no middle ground, where I can be honest with my partner and open up the communication lines about how different we are, about my 'polyness', yet stay together in the mono relationship I originally agreed to...can that work? Can I find happiness by focussing on this relationship to make it great, and then being honest when im having feelings for someone else..will that help me to let go with out acting on them? Or will I just end up miserable and lonely?
I dont know what to do. To be all of me, no matter the cost. Or be just part of me, be thankful for what I do have, and try find a way to 'deal' with the rest?
Words of wisdom greatly appreciated
Gecko