River
Active member
Wikipedia defines etiquette as " ... a code of behavior that delineates expectations for social behavior according to contemporary conventional norms within a society, social class, or group."
In the Wikipedia article on etiquette, under the heading of "Politeness," it says,
Naturally, at some point those of the "lesser classes" would poke fun at, and deliberately violate some of the etiquette of the pretentious and the self-proclaimed elite. Much comedy and humor has derived from this proclivity.
Some of our etiquette, though, is pretty much universally subscribed to, regardless of class -- and doesn't really belong to class considerations at all. Most of these expectations (or rules, or guidelines, or whatever we may wish to call them) are so commonly agreed upon because it is genuinely unkind to violate these norms. An example would be to lavish one person at a dinner party with attention while ignoring the other -- or others -- present. Another would be to cough and sneeze incessantly over a brunch table while not bothering to cover one's mouth when doing so. (This is a violation of a commonly held norm because ... well, because of germs! not to mention spittle.)
I started this thread because I think there are often good reasons to violate certain particular social norms (which may fall under the broad heading of etiquette / politeness / manners...). But which ones, and why?
... and because I honestly think we're losing a lot of our necessary common courtesies -- and while some of these are both illegal and potentially lethal in their consequences, they are becoming more and more common violations. Like not looking both ways when at any kind of intersection, such as not to notice pedestrians on the sidewalk, or even the crosswalk. This is more than rude, but in all honesty I experience this about three hundred times a year, at least (as a pedestrian and a bicyclist). Also, I and my friends all agree that in our town it's becoming more and more common to see folks blowing through a red light (in a car) at intersections. This is not simply the violation of a common courtesy or etiquette, of course, but the example shares factors in common with common courtesy -- most especially the active care for others and their needs and desires.
But I'm mostly interested in talking about (and listening in on) topics under the broad heading of etiquette as it relates to friendships, loverly relationships, and the sort of things we discuss here in the Polyamory forum. Topics here may include, "Do most of the same expectations and norms adhered to in mono relationships apply equally in poly ones?" "Aren't these norms generally applicable to non-sexual and non-romantic relationships -- be they platonic friendship or even in relation to the various acquaintances and strangers we see on any given day?"
So it's a very big, broad topic. Feel free to riff on it as you like.
Edit:
Does common etiquette generally boil down to kindness toward others?
Do violations of common etiquette amount, most basically, to meanness?
Is empathy and compassion our best guide in behaving with common courtesy / social etiquette?
In the Wikipedia article on etiquette, under the heading of "Politeness," it says,
During the Enlightenment era, a self-conscious process of the imposition of polite norms and behaviours became a symbol of being a genteel member of the upper class. Upwardly mobile middle class bourgeoisie increasingly tried to identify themselves with the elite through their adopted artistic preferences and their standards of behaviour. They became preoccupied with precise rules of etiquette, such as when to show emotion, the art of elegant dress and graceful conversation and how to act courteously, especially with women.
Naturally, at some point those of the "lesser classes" would poke fun at, and deliberately violate some of the etiquette of the pretentious and the self-proclaimed elite. Much comedy and humor has derived from this proclivity.
Some of our etiquette, though, is pretty much universally subscribed to, regardless of class -- and doesn't really belong to class considerations at all. Most of these expectations (or rules, or guidelines, or whatever we may wish to call them) are so commonly agreed upon because it is genuinely unkind to violate these norms. An example would be to lavish one person at a dinner party with attention while ignoring the other -- or others -- present. Another would be to cough and sneeze incessantly over a brunch table while not bothering to cover one's mouth when doing so. (This is a violation of a commonly held norm because ... well, because of germs! not to mention spittle.)
I started this thread because I think there are often good reasons to violate certain particular social norms (which may fall under the broad heading of etiquette / politeness / manners...). But which ones, and why?
... and because I honestly think we're losing a lot of our necessary common courtesies -- and while some of these are both illegal and potentially lethal in their consequences, they are becoming more and more common violations. Like not looking both ways when at any kind of intersection, such as not to notice pedestrians on the sidewalk, or even the crosswalk. This is more than rude, but in all honesty I experience this about three hundred times a year, at least (as a pedestrian and a bicyclist). Also, I and my friends all agree that in our town it's becoming more and more common to see folks blowing through a red light (in a car) at intersections. This is not simply the violation of a common courtesy or etiquette, of course, but the example shares factors in common with common courtesy -- most especially the active care for others and their needs and desires.
But I'm mostly interested in talking about (and listening in on) topics under the broad heading of etiquette as it relates to friendships, loverly relationships, and the sort of things we discuss here in the Polyamory forum. Topics here may include, "Do most of the same expectations and norms adhered to in mono relationships apply equally in poly ones?" "Aren't these norms generally applicable to non-sexual and non-romantic relationships -- be they platonic friendship or even in relation to the various acquaintances and strangers we see on any given day?"
So it's a very big, broad topic. Feel free to riff on it as you like.
Edit:
Does common etiquette generally boil down to kindness toward others?
Do violations of common etiquette amount, most basically, to meanness?
Is empathy and compassion our best guide in behaving with common courtesy / social etiquette?
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