A question for the men.....

Lonlygirl64

New member
I am Laura. I am married to Harry. I am in a poly relationship with Bob, who is married to Wanda. The four of us are best friends. We met while we were all in the "swingers" world. Soon after meeting, Bob and I realized we had much deeper feelings and began our own separate relationship. Our connection and our feelings for one another are VERY strong. We love our spouses Harry and Wanda but we each struggle with inner conflict surrounding our feelings when we are apart from one another. We have been together for 2 years.

Here is the problem-- for the past month or so, Bob has been unable to perform with Wanda. As you might imagine, it is becoming an increasing source of irritation and conflict for them. But it is also putting a strain on our relationship because he has ZERO problems in the bedroom with me and Wanda suspects this. Of course you can imagine how this makes her feel, his wife of 27 years....

So men...have you ever been in a relationship where your feelings have become so strong that while you were still attracted and love your other partner, you simply couldn't make it happen??
 
Not for those reasons. I have had a similar experience with a kinky partner versus a vanilla partner. But vanilla sex has never been super satisfying to me.
 
Hi Laura,

I've definitely had times when I wanted to get it up but couldn't, or could but only with great difficulty. I've found that it's not something I can consciously control, in fact I can subconsciously put the whammy on myself by thinking, "OMG I need to perform." Such thoughts only kill the mood, it's like a vicious circle. Bob may be experiencing that. There's things he can try, he can take Viagra or somesuch. But that's no guarantee. There's some kind of block in his subconscious, he would have to remove that block.

From your earlier threads, I seem to recall that Wanda was making it difficult for Bob to get together with you. If she's still doing that, Bob may be experiencing some subconscious resentment which in turn is killing the mood for him when he is with her. You may even feel to him a bit like the forbidden fruit, making his subconscious want to "save up" for when he is with you. This would be a good reason for Wanda to grant him more freedom, but only Wanda could make that decision.

The one other thing Bob could try is to go see a sex therapist. Someone with experience in that area who could help him plumb the causes of his difficulty. And I wouldn't be surprised if that therapist found a subconscious resentment in Bob which is killing the mood. If he can get it up with you, then it's obviously a psychological, not a physical thing.

I hope you can untangle this mystery.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I've been on the wife's end of it in my relationship with Blue. There were multiple causes for us. One is that Blue is a bit of an NRE junkie and we'd been together long enough that the NRE had faded while the NRE with her was really strong (heightened even more by the drama in their relationship and the fact that it was long-distance.)

Also, his other relationship was a game changer. He was ready to upend the life we were creating in order to be with her...that was scary to me and I didn't handle it the best. At first I became clingier, then when I realized and accepted that that relationship was a game changer and our relationship had changed, I became more distant. Both were mood kills for him. Once I accepted that the relationship we had was over and released my fears and anxiety (and the pressure I was putting on him), he was able to perform and our sex life was even better than before. In our case, that meant me releasing him (and later, him releasing me.)

I think Kevin is right...it probably has a lot to do with the pressure he's placing on himself to perform, and the pressure she's exerting on him by trying to control your relationship instead of focusing on her own.
 
Hey Laura,

The simple answer to your question would be NO. If love an attraction was there I’d be able to perform. Coming from a swinging background and seeing each other for 2 yrs and to have this happen the last month or 2 seems really odd.

I know this might be a topic not discussed but has he ever mentioned the differences of his sex life. It could boil down to it being just way more enjoyable or more passionate, more chemistry. People here like to say sex with partner a is “different “ not better not worse. Well that might be the case for them but lots and lots of people also know awesome ....and know lackluster.
Is it possible his wife I’d just sort of a C lover ???
 
Hey Laura,

The simple answer to your question would be NO. If love an attraction was there I’d be able to perform. Coming from a swinging background and seeing each other for 2 yrs and to have this happen the last month or 2 seems really odd.

I know this might be a topic not discussed but has he ever mentioned the differences of his sex life. It could boil down to it being just way more enjoyable or more passionate, more chemistry. People here like to say sex with partner a is “different “ not better not worse. Well that might be the case for them but lots and lots of people also know awesome ....and know lackluster.
Is it possible his wife I’d just sort of a C lover ???
 
...resentment which in turn is killing the mood ...

Seconded.

Resentment, guilt, anxiety - talk about sex killers.

A person has to work through whatever it is with a long term partner. Not recommending drugs, alcohol or violence in this case. Or any other. There is some negotiating that needs to go on here.
 
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