My Partner Won’t Tell Me About Her Sex with Other Partner

This has proven to be an interesting conversation. It would seem that we all, with good cause, would agree that it is perfectly acceptable for the woman in this case to decline to discuss the details of her sexual encounters with her partners, and that ethically she should not do so without the consent of the other partner as well. Ideally, this boundary should have been discussed in the initial negotiations to their polyamorous relationship, so there would not have been surprises later - but communication is never perfect.

As to "being uncommon" to decline to share sexual details in poly - well the response from this group would certainly seem to indicate that it is not uncommon at all. And that does mean something - this is a outstanding discussion forum populated by a good number of experienced poly folks in which very intelligent and thoughtful discussion regularly takes place, and which (as a culture, so to speak) places an emphasis on non-heirarchical poly (so as to avoid couple privilege), as well as ethical poly in general. I personally feel fortunate that I landed here when when my wife poly bombed me a couple of years ago - this forum was instrumental in coming to terms with poly and my eventual personal transition to self identifying as poly (along with a couple of dozen poly-related books, including all the most recognized major texts).

But, from what I have studied in these texts, and from what I have been exposed to elsewhere, the concept of sharing sexual details is certainly less uncommon (i.e., more common) in other poly cultures. As noted already, the major texts acknowledge that "sexual energy exchange" (including sharing of details and techniques) is often seen as a "benefit" of poly.

I am also a member of a half dozen local poly FB groups (using an alt. identity, as we do on this forum), both where I live and where my long distance girl friend lives. These forums, in general, are populated more by millenials than by "aging hippies" (the two groups often cited as being the mainstay of current poly - I would be much closer to being an aging hippy).
In all of these groups, while they are still "true poly" with real loving relationships, the emphasis on sex is much greater - and without a doubt, on these forums, the responses to this question would be much different and much more in line with the OP's supposition - so no real surprise that he got the impression that he did if he were reading poly books or if he looked elsewhere. (In one of the FB groups to which I belong, group orgies / sex parties are scheduled on occasion - attended by poly folks with their partners.).

Just a couple more thoughts. Al
 
Bubble isn't looking for wank material, he is fearful that his partner is keeping secrets from him. He is trying to navigate secrecy vs. privacy.

Very well put, thank you. It’s safe to say my problem is that her boundary, although it is most likely just about privacy, sometimes feels like secrecy. I was just wanting to ask the larger community if they would support or reject that concern. The overwhelming majority seems to have rejected my suspicion, and so I will continue focussing harder on becoming aware of—but not attached to—the anxious thoughts and wants I have that are interfering with my significant other’s boundaries.
 
I have a couple of remarks as a man who has been requesting details a lot in the beginning.

On the one hand, it is probably easier for someone that starts life poly and stays poly to not need details. You can just assume that if someone didn't want you, or preferred someone else; you would just grow apart.

However, things can be a bit harder if you are coming out of a monogamous life. Going from ten years married and semi-open for the last four to fully open; I have had conversations about details of dates/encounters shared with me as a coping mechanism. It helps me to reconcile the changes we are going through.

On the other hand, I agree that sharing details does require consent. I have also found that details can be double-edged. On one hand, what happened is always going to be less intense than what I imagined, but on the other hand, there are some details that I can become fixated on, making moving forward difficult.

I think it boils down to what is best for the individuals in the arrangement.
 
Original Poster’s Update:

Likewise, I don't want any details about my partners' sex lives with others, and stopped seeing one person because he insisted on giving me details after I had expressly asked him not to. My husband doesn't have other partners; with my boyfriend, all I want to know is "is sex a thing between you and her" and "are you practicing safer sex." Any other partners I have, it depends on how we've identified the relationship; if it's friends-with-benefits, I don't need or especially want to know *any* information about their sex lives with other people, whereas if it's a romantic relationship (which I define loosely as us having said "We're in a relationship now"), I want to know the same info I want to know from my boyfriend.

No one has the right to any information from anyone else. If there's an agreement in place that you'll be given the info, then hopefully each person will stick to the agreement, but that still doesn't give anyone the right to know this stuff. And certainly, in my opinion, no one has the right to *demand* the information.

I can relate to feeling like you need to know certain things to shut up the anxiety demons in your brain. However, that STILL doesn't give you the right to demand someone tell you the things you think you need to know. You can request it, but they can say no, and that's when you have to suck it up and find another way to deal with your anxiety. (This is coming from someone who experiences severe, sometimes crippling anxiety on a regular basis, so when I say "suck it up," I'm not intending to minimize the effects anxiety can cause.)


I found out recently that my partner’s issue is not about privacy, but rather that she doesn’t want me comparing myself to her other partners.
I agree that, as you and others have said, I have no right to the intimate details of my primary partner’s sexual relationships with others. I do believe she was, in fact, hiding this information from me for what she perceived to be my own good. And she is probably right.

I find that my version of non-monogamy, at this point in my life, sees my relationship with her in the same way I would see a monogamous partner. I feel like our sexual relationship needs to be perfect, and I don’t want her to do things with other partners that she won’t do with me.

I understand that this is an unhealthy way to think, and I am curious to know if anyone could share how they suggest I begin to purge this specific insecurity from my anxious mind.
 
I found out recently that my partner’s issue is not about privacy, but rather that she doesn’t want me comparing myself to her other partners.
I agree that, as you and others have said, I have no right to the intimate details of my primary partner’s sexual relationships with others. I do believe she was, in fact, hiding this information from me for what she perceived to be my own good. And she is probably right.

I find that my version of non-monogamy, at this point in my life, sees my relationship with her in the same way I would see a monogamous partner. I feel like our sexual relationship needs to be perfect, and I don’t want her to do things with other partners that she won’t do with me.

I understand that this is an unhealthy way to think, and I am curious to know if anyone could share how they suggest I begin to purge this specific insecurity from my anxious mind.

While I am generally the last person to suggest this sort of thing because I enjoy entwined relationships, I think disengagement is the right thought process here.

Why would you be upset if she did sexual things with other partners that she doesn't/won't do with you? Sex with different people is not the same. Energy is different, desires are different, mutual connection is different. I do things with my boyfriend I wouldn't enjoy doing with my husband and vice versa. It has nothing to do with the other partner; it has to do with what I enjoy doing in context with the partner that I choose to do it with.

Your partner's body is her own. Just because she will do specific sexual things with one partner doesn't mean she has to do them with everyone. That is denying her agency over her own body. And you have to realize that it's not about you. This is where that disengagement part comes in. Her sexual decisions are about her preferences, and that's about her. You need to take a step back before assuming that all her choices are about you.

No sexual relationship is perfect. Overall, I have great sex with both my husband and my boyfriend. Do we occasionally have dud nights that leave one or both of us dissatisfied? Sure. That's life and it's part of an ongoing sexual relationship.

If it helps any, I'll tell you up front that despite having a D/s dynamic with both of them, my sex life with each of them is very different, with very little overlap. And I couldn't even begin to compare them and don't ever think about it like that at all.
 
Hi Bibble,

Thank you for sharing an update with us. I suggest you write down some of the thoughts you have when you are feeling anxious or comparing yourself with her other partners. Then, compose some affirmations that you can repeat back (aloud) to yourself during your anxious moments. For instance you could say, "I am a good and adequate person. I am desirable in bed. I don't have to have to be perfect. I don't have to do every little thing that her other partners do. I am just fine as I am." Repeat that back to yourself anytime you are feeling anxious; see if that helps.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Realizing those thoughts could be unhealthy is a good start. It's not so much the thoughts that are unhealthy, as much as how you act on the thoughts. When people feel insecure they tend to lash out at the ones they think make them feel insecure. The reality is we make ourselves insecure (unless you are dealing with an abuser). It's important to remember that when dealing with insecurities.

Plus, sorry but it's not the end of the world if someone decides to leave you.
 
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