New, want it to work, but struggling at times

RobertCourage

New member
Hi forum! I have been married to my wife for 19 years and we have kids ranging from 8 to 14. A few months ago we started a threesome with a nice guy (no male to male contact). Things were going great and mynwife asked if she could also see him independently while I was at work. I travel a lot and she gets lonely. We agreed that this would be ok and now she has fallen in love. Surprise surprise. Anyways, he is a nice guy and he makes her very happy. She insists she is totally in love with me and that she wants us to stay together forever. But she also insists that she can't break it off with him. I believe her when she says everything is good with us. But now that the game has changed and it's emotional and love, I am struggling a little. I fundamentally want this to work. She is happier than ever. He is a good guy. Our threesomes are fantastic. So I am looking for advice about how to manage my worries about losing her and being jealous occasionally. Looking forward to communicating with people who have been through this. Thanks in advance for advice!
 
Green Eyed Monster

Welcome. Sorry you're struggling right now. The green eyed monster rears his ugly head in our quad occasionally as well. We, (my husband and I, and the other married couple that completes our quad) see a therapist to help us keep the integrity of our primary marriages intact, and she has helped us tame the beast on more than one occasion. My girlfriend and I have very little jealousy between us, while the fellas have struggled with it the whole year and a half we've been together. The therapist believes this is partly because she and I are best friends and have an underlying friendship and trust. She has recommended that the guys work to strengthen the bond between themselves so that trust and friendship can maybe squeeze out the jealousy. They are both heterosexual and not wanting to develop any physical relationship, so we're just talking about strengthening the friendship bond that they already share. I have also noticed that just telling the others that they are having feelings of jealousy seems to take some of the wind out of its sails. Hope this helps a bit.
 
There are many posts on "jealousy" "envy" if you do a tag search or a search. Have a look, perhaps it will help.

Take your time and ask her to go at your pace. The rush at the beginning of something new and wonderful is great for new lovers, but not so much for other partners. NRE is a difficult thing to navigate, but if everyone manages to there is a lot to be gained by poly. Being aware of that for the partner who gets to sit and watch is sometimes helpful. Maybe doing a tag search for "NRE" would be helpful also.
 
Milehighquad might have the right idea about deepening your relationship with this guy, it's worth a try, sometimes it works but it is very dependent on the parties. I would have liked to have a great relationship with my metamour and we do have a good relationship but there is nothing in it that makes sharing my partner with her any easier.

Maybe you should find a girlfriend of your own? I've been doing this for three years now as a mono in a relationship with a poly guy and it hasn't really gotten any easier consistently. There have been times when I've been very positive about it but then the struggle always seems to come back.
 
Maybe you should find a girlfriend of your own?
Hey Sage, glad to see you hanging out with us :)

From what I have seen, finding a first girlfriend when ones partner is starting a new relationship for the first time also is not generally a good idea. When someone starts a new relationship it becomes important to maintain a connection more than ever. When two people are in the throws of NRE that can be near impossible and can actually drive partners apart. Sometimes it creates NRE for poly itself and that can mean a huge drop in emotion when everyone wears out on NRE.

It does depend on the circumstance though. But from what I know, after the fun times are dying down and one partner wants to cosy up and re-connect, they are left with no one there to do that with because they are not on the same wavelength and out being still high on NRE. It can cause more problems and trouble that its worth in the long run.
 
if I were you, I would start to deconstruct the thinking behind the jealousy and worries. I would recommend asking yourself why it would be okay with you for your wife to be sexual with another man without emotions, and yet it makes you uncomfortable that they have developed feelings for each other. What are the thoughts that come up when you feel that way?

You've been together a long time, so my guess is there may be some sense of possessiveness or ownership on your part. I think this is a common element I see in situations such as yours. Perhaps something in you feels like she belongs to you, in a way, and so threesomes were easy and non-threatening because you were there and able to control access to her. Then you thought of this guy as providing a service to her while you were traveling, so you allowed them to have liaisons without you. Somewhere in the mix, you were overlooking their feelings, humanity, and ability to connect.

It sounds like you are much more aware, open-minded, and willing to get to the bottom of this than some husbands seem to be when they come here with similar problems, so kudos to you. I would say, think about it this way: doesn't your wife deserve all the lovingness in her life that comes her way? Doesn't she deserve another person who cares about her and will treat her with love and respect, rather than just being a body for someone to use to get off? Because sharing her just for sex kind of demotes her to be less than who she is (a body), but allowing room in your relationship for her to feel love and be loved lets her become more fully who she is (body, mind, spirit, emotions). That might be something to remind yourself of when feelings of jealousy arise.

As for worries about her leaving you, just keep communicating. Yes, develop a friendship with this guy. It kind of doesn't make sense that a person who is happy with two partners would want to choose one; she's got a great thing, so why would she change it, LOL.
 
Great comments from the others.

Let me just add something from the perspective of your wife who is a new poly. It's quite unsettling and scary wrestling with accepting poly nature after a lifetime of living a mono lifestyle. Your support and acceptance can make that go so much easier.

I, for example, love my wife dearly. Other significant others highlight things in her that remind me why she's so special. The fact that I can talk with her about anything--even feelings for other people--makes me feel close to her and adds to that special nature.

Jealousy is often a cousin to fear. The fact you two seem to be open and communicating is a great sign and should reduce your fear. Perhaps knowing that there are many polys who love and will always be with their mono spouse will reduce fear as well. When that jealousy pops up, try to focus on how great she is that you want her so much and less on anyone else. Also, it us perfectly reasonable for you to seek and receive reassurance. If you're on the road and really feeling off, call her up, and talk to her. Let her know it's important that she tell you how important you are as a loving and supportive husband.

As for the other guy, your wife sees something of value in him. Given that husbands tend to appreciate their wife's (wives') sensibilities, I would bet that you might see value in him, too. After all, since she's attracted to you both, you likely have significant areas in common. You don't have to be buddies with him, but you may find you are.
 
Thank you to everyone who responded

I was surprised ton find so many responses and sincerely thank each of you. Here's my current thinking given these responses.

1. Getting a girlfriend for me. While this is notboutside the realm of possibility at some point, I do not have the emotional energy tom devote to another relationship. It would be unfair tonthe other person because all my focusnwould be on securing my primary relationship.

2. Deepening relationship with the guy. I am ok with this idea, but my wife would like to be the one that orchestrates this. I think her feat is that my freaking put will push him away from her. He is single and has stated that he does not want to break up our marriage/family. So if I make him uncomfortable he will cut it off and she will hate me for that.

3. Understanding my jealousy and/or envy. This is the key. NYCindie, you are on target with your comments. Deep down inside me, after all these years, i think I do feel a degree of possession. I am not a jerk and I treat her very well so it is not a 'controllong' relationship. But I can't deny that the concept of possessiveness does apply here.

My jealousy stems from fear of losing what we had: a great sex life, emotional
connections, family, a future together.

The envy emotion rears its ugly head when i think she likes him better, wants him more, etc. From my reading here, I think NRE plays a huge part in this. How can a man she met when she was 18 (shs is now 42) compete with a guy she met a few months ago from a NRE perspective? (does anyone use the term ORE - old relationship energy - because I have a lot of that to offer lol).

5. Counseling. I think we would benefit from some counseling to shore up our primary relationship as we go through this. I will be asking for this.

So that's it for now. Thanks again for everyones help. I will keep you all posted as this evolves.
 
...Deepening relationship with the guy. I am ok with this idea, but my wife would like to be the one that orchestrates this.

Do you mean she wants to be there every time you and "the guy" (you might want to use an initial or nickname here) meet? That's not really necessary. Does she think you'll get into a head butting fight like 2 rutting rams? :p

I think her fear is that my freaking put will push him away from her. He is single and has stated that he does not want to break up our marriage/family. So if I make him uncomfortable he will cut it off and she will hate me for that.

First of all, you can't "make" anyone feel anything. You and he are both responsible for your own emotions.

Sounds like he's afraid of breaking you 2 up, and you're afraid of losing your wife to him. You're on the same page, man. You both want to keep your marriage stable, and to add "the guy"" as a 3rd in the most respectful, comfortable way possible.

Your wife also has a responsibility here to go at a pace with "the guy" that causes the least amount of stress for you. If this relationship doesn't work out, you all bear equal blame for that. Do you really think (when you examine it) she'd hate you if it didnt work out with him, or is that just a fear of yours?



The envy emotion rears its ugly head when i think she likes him better, wants him more, etc. From my reading here, I think NRE plays a huge part in this. How can a man she met when she was 18 (shs is now 42) compete with a guy she met a few months ago from a NRE perspective? (does anyone use the term ORE - old relationship energy - because I have a lot of that to offer lol).

I like to call it Established Relationship Energy. Sounds sexier. ;)
 
Thanks for your thoughts Magdlyn. I very much appreciate them! Some answers to your questions and some addtional comments are below.

The iother guy (lets call him T from now on) and I get along great. He is respectful of me and her. So there is no fear of yelling, screaming, violence. He an I never sat down alone, but I did speak with him on the phone and the conversation was fine. I think my wife thinks that I may just explode if it gets too hard so she asked that she be the one to make the conenctions between T and me. I can respect that, however I really wont explode on him. :)

I do think she would hate me if I was to cause the end of her relationship with T. She has been unhappy for quite a while (off and on) becuase of the demands of my job. She was resentful of my not being home and her not having any help with the kids. Which is quite understandable given their schedules! She now feels like she can have me and not hate me for my job because she is not stuck alone while I am away. It makes sense to me.

I am really worried that she isn't investing enough passion into keeping our side of it exciting. She says she loves me, is in love with me, is atteacted to meand wants to be married forever. But I think a combination of stress at her work, plus the excitement of the new relationship with him has her distracted. So I am left wondering and hoping all is ok (even though she says it is and I believe her). I cant help my feelings when I think "why cant she just give me a hug now?".

I love your 'Established Relationship Energy'. I think that two peolple that have been together for over 20 years and married for 19 and have really kept the spark alive is extremely sexy!

Thank you again. You and the rest of the people responding are really helping me and it is appreciated.
 
One more piece of data

The one thing I think is important that I didnt mention is that as this started, we all had a 'deal' that if anyone started to fall in love, we would talk about it immediately. This didn't happen. They kept their love a secret from me and, worse, she started pulling away from me. This resulted in her being cold, distant, and unapproachable. As a result of some of my actions (speaking to a female friend about this), we got into a big fight and thats when the truth came out.

So I do have a trust issue because of the fact that they lied to me.
 
Hi RC! Welcome:)

My husband, Sundance has shared some of your concerns. It has gotten easier over time, as the NRE settled into something that is now in perspective for me. I have been able to explore my feelings for my BF, and over time it has changed quite a bit. The love I have for him is more comfortable now, with the element of "forbidden fruit" taken out. One thing for me has been the realization that what I really needed was to get to know my BF better, because there were things I needed to learn from him. He has helped me fill in some of the void I had from having an absent father. I have always craved male intimacy (especially emotional) but I couldn't rely on my husband for that solely -- or it would become more of a father-daughter relationship. Having two men to play out some of my issues has taken the pressure off of both relationships and I feel like I am really, finally growing up -- at age 43, it's about time, right?!

Starting this whole thing last October, I had no idea where it would lead but I trusted that with the honesty it required, whatever came of it would be something good.

Love has lots of dimensions. I've found that exploring them isn't as dangerous as I used to think.

I hope you find poly to be as rewarding as I have -- even with its challenges, it's better than giving up on love. Glad you're here. :)
 
RC, thanks for the added details.

In general terms, it sounds like you have three people who get along and are interested in maintaining stable and healthy relationships. That's a pretty good start.

Right now, IMHO, you have two things going on: NRE and what I call PAS (Poly-Adjustment Syndrome). The NRE will eventually level out, and dealing with that is usually just a matter of time. You may even find that the total relationship energy is higher after equilibrium. Right now it'll feel skewed, but relax and float over the ripples, and you'll ride it out fine.

PAS is something that I see when people transition from mono to poly, and it sounds like your situation fits that bill. Often the more mono person in that scenario feels abandoned by the poly person and fears a loss of the original relationship. Even when reassured that the original relationship is safe, there is a lingering fear that the original relationship will be changed in a way that in unacceptable.

In all reality, sometimes this does happen. However, your reactions and other details in your particular story lead me to believe that you will be ok. She isn't the only one going through change. She's wrestling with how this new man fits in your life, but so are you. That means growing pains for everyone. The fact that you respect this other guy, the fact you've mutually reaffirmed your marriage, and the fact the guy has expressed respect for your marriage are good signs. The thing about PAS is that the fear of what could happen is almost always worse in our minds.

I'm actually not surprised they didn't talk about falling in love even after they knew it was happening. How long has it been since your wife fell in love with someone new? It may have been something they weren't expecting or they weren't sure what the feelings were. Sometimes people realize it's love long after it's obvious to others. And really, your wife as someone who a guy could totally fall in love with? You of all people should know that she's someone who lovable. If I were you, I'd try not to think of their delay as "they lied to me" but think of it instead as "they were struggling with categorizing their feelings and when and how to tell me." It had to be pretty intimidating for a wife of almost 20 years to come to her husband and say she loves another man, right? Wouldn't that be something you'd wrestle with if the table were turned?

One of the basic tenets I belive in as a poly person is that the heart grows larger as you learn to love. Your wife falling in love means her total capacity for love has increased, not that she is taking love from you for him. Think of when you had kids. Did she not love them? Ridiculous. She loves them, and she loves you as much or more after them, yes? (This children and the growth of love theory is actually how I started down the road to poly myself.) Loving the kids, loving the other guy, these don't diminsh the 20 years of love she has for you.

What doesn't grow is the number of hours in the day. Time management is very important in poly situations. In your case, there are large periods of time where the wife wanted a companion, but you were providing for the family. There's a simple spot for new guy to fit in that fills that need but doesn't impact the time you have available. As for overlapping time, let the NRE dissipate, and then work on that.

My suggestion: encourage her to make the connection between you and other guy. Let her do that because she has expressed the desire and because she's trying to set it up so it'll be ok for her men. (She's caring about how you see each other.) Sooner would be better than later because the sooner you each become tangible people, the sooner the boogeymen go away.

You might even sit her down and ask her straight out the things that you could do that would make things easier on her so she can explore stuff with him. I'm thinking stuff like watch the kids or take care of things around the house to free her time up. You might find that actively promoting her endeavor helps you feel more included and reminds her just how awesome a husband you are.

Let me finish by reiterating these words from Carma:
"Love has lots of dimensions. I've found that exploring them isn't as dangerous as I used to think."
 
Very helpful

I have to say that this place is amazing. All of your advice and kind thoughts are so very appreciated. Because of your help I don't feel like I am compeletely lost. I was feeling very hurt and scared. I would like to share my current feelings so that anyone who reads this and is struggling like me may benefit from experiences.

Carma,your post gives me hope. And hope is a powerful emotion. For me, hope can be as powerful as jealousy. So it feels good that I can displace some of my negative thoughts by realizing there is a good chance that this will work out just fine. Thank you for that.

Sagency, you provide a perspective on reality that insightful and helpful. I think you are correct in saying that it would be better for me to not think of them lying to me and instead understand that they were afraid of hurting me. Which means they do care about me.

As this progresses I am learning some things about myself. First, I really need to stop defining myself entirely through my marriage. I have all myna eggs in the one basket of 'being the perfect husband' and somewhere along the way I lost me. I lost what happiness means to me other than making everyone else happy. So I am going to try and spread my wings a little so I am more independent and less reliant on my marriage as the be all and end all for my life.

I also have learned that i need to build a little self esteem. I always worry about being strong enough, good enough, smart enough, etc. The fact is that I am strong, good and smart and I should take a moment to realize this . I am not becoming cocky or arrogant. I am just realizing that I offer a lot to my wife in our relationship and I should have faith that what I offer is meaningful to her. Hell, she stuck around this long through some tough times. So I can't be all that bad, right.

Today she told me she was going to meet T for a little while. My immediate reaction was like I was being punched in my stomach. But then I thought about all the things i have read here about jealousy, about the human capacity for love, about viewing my wife holistically, and about the typical cycles of emotion associated with these circumstances, and the pain receded. And she came home to me and she was happy, loving and caring. And I felt great at that points. What a great lesson about patience and about not thinking the worst.

I know i have a rough road ahead as we transition into whatever this will become. But I am starting to see that I have the tools, the strength, and a solid relationship with my wife - and this will get me through this. And if it doesn't, I will survive and live to see a day when I will love again.

Crazy that I am so optimistic today. Hopefully this will continue. But I reserve the right to completely freak out tomorrow.

Again, thank you to all who posted replies. I have read them all. More than once. And each of you has provided me a tool to put in my emotional toolbox and use as needed as this progresses.
 
RC, glad to help.

You can still be a perfect husband. Having a poly wife doesn't change whether you can be a good husband (it just makes it mor interesting ;)).

I'm happy for you to hear that you felt the jealousy coming on but managed to keep it controlled. That's real progress. And when your wife got home and had all this energy from her exciting time, you were able to enjoy her joy rather than worry about your fear. As time goes on, you have that to look back on as you begin to build a new sense of stability so it becomes easier over time.
 
I know that wives with kids, who have partners who are frequently absent, can get really really burnt out. Some women indulge in secret affairs just to have something "just for me." It's rather common.

I used to resent my ex-h, who got up in the morning, had his coffee, breakfast and shower unmolested, while i breastfed the youngest, got the other 2 dressed, broke up fights, tried to get them fed, all while my coffee sat on the counter getting cold. Later, if I was lucky, I got to take a shower with a kid or 2 in there with me... I got used to not even getting a daily shower.

Then he'd go off to work with other adults, even having lunches out, sometimes with a cocktail in the middle of the day! While I was home with the screaming meemies, eating mac and cheese, doing the endless laundry, etc. When he got home, he'd never help with the housework either. I tell you, it's no wonder I had no energy for sex back then.

Thank goodness we have polyamory, where tired burnt out mothers/wives can have that cake (something special "for me") as well as keeping their original loved partnership intact.
 
roller coaster

so much for yesterday's optimism. Today she is frustrated with my wanting to talk about how we are going to make this work. She is overwhelmed by everything. The kids. This relationship issue. My job. My constant need for information about where this is going.

I am going to start my research now on separations. I think this is the most likely outcome. As open as I am to the poly relationship, I think her issues are deeper rooted. I dont think the poly is even the issue. The issue is her resentment of the fact that she has to take care of the kids and never gets a break. So in her mind, being divorced is actually not a bad idea since it means I get the kids on the weekends and she is free.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that kind of thinking?

Am I supposed to sit back quietly while she figures out my future? I am taking some big risks here and I think I deserve some continuous communication about this. Fuck it. I think this is a case where love will die becuase of her unwilliningness to work through what she wants. I thank you all for your support and thoughts. It was worth a shot, but this one is a lost cause.

On a positive note, I will get the chance to eventually love again and hopefully it will be someone who understands my life situation and is willing to work at the relationship.

Life sucks ass today.
 
*comfort*
Guy to guy here:
One thing I've learned as a dude is that we are programmed to fix things. When there's a problem, we want to find and apply a solution as quickly as possible. If we get hurt, we want to punch a wall, say bad things about someone's lineage and personal habits, and move on.

It turns out that those impulses don't always help.

The "fix it" impulse...
You write that she's overwhelmed and that you have a constant need for information. This is likely making things rough on everyone, and it adds a lot of pressure. She may not be able to give you the updates you want because she doesn't know what they are, she hasn't processed them herself, or she's too tired to articulate them in a way that makes sense.

The "punch it" impulse...
Naturally, if things are uncertain and upsetting, the simplest thing to do is just burn the whole thing down and start over, right? Whoa there. I hear an awful lot of fear in your words. I don't think you want fear to take over when you're talking about "a great sex life, emotional connections, family, a future together."


Just yesterday you were optimistic, considering couseling, and recognizing some jealousy issues. (Jealousy, IMHO, is a fear that someone has what you should have.) You did reserve the right to freak out today. It seems that was a good call. But do you think that maybe you wrote that because you knew you were struggling? So today's freak out isn't that big a shock. (I find things I can predict are less scary than things that surprise me.)

It seems to me that you're adjusting to your new situation. Thinking about radical changes is just adding more change when you haven't settle one change. I worry that your impulse may cause more harm than good and that it's more impulse than what you really want.

Sitting back might help. I'm not saying sit for long. But if the wife is feeling a lot of pressure, giving her some space right now might be helpful. Consider doing something that you find relaxing that helps you keep your mind busy. Consider suggesting she do something relaxing, too. You've been together 19 years, so it's ok if you sleep on things for a little while.

Let us know if you need anything. *hug* or *punch* (whichever helps you feel better) ;)
 
I no longer want to make this work.

And I think I need to change the title of this thread because I don't think I want it to work. I was under the assumption that she was ok with the relationship between her and me. That meant it was ok to have the other relationship between her and T. But if our 'primary' relationship is flawed and she can't get past the fact that life is sometimes very fucking hard and you dont run away from hard, you work through it, then this just wont work. Lesson learned for all wanna be poly's. If one relationshio is fucked up, there's no way 2 will work.
 
Thanks sagency. You are right on many fronts. I do plan on seeing a counselor tomorrow. But my goal is to have her help me figure out how to best execute a separation not to find out how to make me a better poly husband. I am fucking done with this shit. She wants room she can have it. She wants T, she can have him too. I am tired too. I travel all over the country and get my ass kicked every day so that I can provide for my family. Do I take that out on her and say I need a woman. A break, anything? No. I do a job I fucking hate so that everyone I am reaponsible for is taken care of. Fuck all this 'we all deserve all the love we can get bullshit'. We all are adults that have rePonsibiliry to those we brought into this world. She wanted the kids too. Sorry they are hard to care for. But thTs fucking life. But now I have to pay for it cuz it's hard. Face up to your responsibilities. Then u can talk to me about polyamorous relationships. This is simply selfish behavior, running from responsibility and being a coward.
 
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