A free agent in an informal V - Needs some thoughts

iamlissa

New member
Happy Thanksgiving day to all!

Here's my story: I'm 32f, happily married for 8 yrs to a man I truly love (37m). My libido or sexual need is far greater than my dh and in recent years, his' was progressively slowing down. Probably work related. We are very transparent to each other so around 7 mos. ago, we agreed to open up our relationship to others to "supplement" the sexual part of my needs. We call it "outsourcing" jokingly. But we opened ourselves to the possibility of adding some elements of poly to it; in short, emotional involvement is ok. I'm not completely new to this since before we got married, we had done some swinging with a common friend (M) which ended up in a 3-way love affair (I'm the hinge). It ended with no drama since we decided to get married and be mono for good.

So I posted a profile on a dating site, and identified myself as "single and available". My line of reasoning was not to complicate things as it won't impact my present relationship anyway since we have no children and my dh travels a lot at work. I later read in forums that this style is called the "free agent" model. I'm now dating this guy (32m) I met from the site for the past 6 months and it worked. My sex life with this guy is very active since his drive matches mine. As far as I know, he doesn't have any other gf or spouse as he gave me unrestricted access to his apartment. He has never been nosy and just accepted my word for it that I'm single. I already have feelings for him and wanted him to stay for good, like in a V relationship with my dh. My dh has no objections to it. But I really feel guilty now that I didn't tell him my real status from the very start.

Should I tell him the truth that I'm married, and risk losing him? Or should I just continue with it while it last (or until he asks) since it is not really impacting our relationship now or that with my dh? Do the "free agent" model of poly really work? Anyone with experience on this?

Any thoughts to let me see multiple perspectives are welcome. Thanks.
 
Hi, Lissa. Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

I understand why you have sold yourself as a single person. I can see how you have compartmentalised it.

The problem is, I don't believe it's fair to your other guy. What if the other guy dreams of having something very serious with you, including marriage, children, and... monogamy? It's not ok to let him project these possibilities into your future. Essentially, he could be thinking that the two of you are mongamous, and he might not be dating anyone else at all.

I think you absolutely must tell him. This is simply my opinion. You do risk losing him, but at the same time, you may not. He may already be seeing other people (if so, wouldn't you want to know about this for sexual health reasons, at the least?), and he may be fine with poly. I say bite the bullet and see where the cards fall.
 
Yeah, you're not single. You're lying to this guy. You have to tell him the truth. It will probably destroy the relationship. It's really much better to be honest up front, you're married but available to date. Saying you're "single" isn't accurate, and it makes people thing you might be available for a monogamous marriage, eventually, which you aren't. Conveniently not telling your lover that you're sleeping with, and what's more have made a lifelong commitment to, someone else really doesn't strike me as acceptable within any style of polyamory, "free agent" doesn't involve lying.

There's no reason your husband needs to be involved in your relationship, but your lover needs to be aware of his existence. This man has let you into his life, given you the key to his apartment, on a false premise: he thinks your single--does he think you're only with him? You're taking advantage of his trust. Just because "he hasn't asked" is no excuse to hide something so major from him.

Come clean, immediately. Would you want someone to keep information like that from you? I sure wouldn't.
 
I agree with the others.

Advertising yourself as single is deceptive and frowned upon in polyamory.
 
I think it's a very unethical thing that you are doing. You need to tell this guy the truth.

I was in the same boat as you a year ago, as my husband has a very low sex drive. I dated several guys before settling with my current boyfriend. I absolutely told every guy who approached me that I was married, and many of them bailed before the first date. The thing is - a lot of them didn't do so because they were looking for a future wife, but because they couldn't get past the idea that they were helping me cheat. They found it ethically wrong to sleep with another man's wife - they were not wanting to be in any sort of poly situation. There were, however, many more that were willing to go out and see how things went.

My current boyfriend thought about it for a month before agreeing to go out, and he is now in it for the long haul, as we are planning a commitment ceremony.

By not telling your man the truth, you've really mucked things up. Hopefully he will be able to see why you decided to deceive him. Though, I know if I were him, I wouldn't stick around. Hopefully you will be more honest going forward.
 
But I really feel guilty now that I didn't tell him my real status from the very start.

Could come clean so you can feel better.

Should I tell him the truth that I'm married, and risk losing him?

Yes, if you want to be up front and honest in your dealings and alleviate your guilt.

Or should I just continue with it while it last (or until he asks) since it is not really impacting our relationship now or that with my dh?

That is rationalizing and making excuse. :(

You are being less than honest here. You seem to know it and your feelings are pinging you on it.

And yes.
  • He might be ok with it when you apologize and disclose.
  • He might not be ok with it.

But his response is on him. Your side of it is doing the telling. So do your side. Let him do his.

"Free agent" model doesn't mean dishonest. It means all people involved with you know that you don't want deep commitments and/or deep entanglements, are seeing X people right now, and are free to seek others if you want to. You are clear about what you are and are not up for.

If nothing else -- for sex health labs you need to be up front about what you are offering to other dating partners/lovers so they can keep THEIR health in order. You were flying under false colors. Not cool. So get it back to rights, and however it turns out? Call it lesson learned and be more up front sooner next time.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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Being a free agent doesn't mean lying about being married! Egad. A major component of polyamory is full knowledge and consent of all involved. You can't be in a Vee arrangement if any part of the Vee doesn't know what is going on.

Usually the term free agent refers to someone who is "solo" or unpartnered and doesn't want a primary-type of entwined partnership, as in marrying or cohabiting together (no, it's not about keeping things from becoming "deep"). Yes, they tend to keep a certain amount of separation and privacy between their relationships, but the very fact that you are married means you are not a free agent. You have a life partner. Did you seriously think it would be a good idea to start off a relationship with lies?

What if this guy wants you for his life partner - what are you going to say? "Whoops, sorry honey, I left out one small detail about myself!" You keep saying the lies haven't impacted you, but you're wrong. You've built a relationship on deceit and ultimately cannot be yourself with this man. You will always have to hold back and hide a large part of who you are to be with him if you continue on this course. In addition, he has not been allowed to make an informed decision about his involvement with you, which means that you severely hindered his freedom. Of course that kind of underlying dynamic has affected both of you.

'Fess up to your deception. And then work on rebuilding trust between you if he chooses to stay in the relationship. You owe him big. Really big!
 
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This is an example of couple privilege. If you were doing this behind your spouse's back, you'd probably be asking how you can take this from an unethical situation to an ethical one. You'd acknowledge that what you were doing was wrong but might try and justify it by citing the needs you have that are not met by your spouse.

As this person isn't your spouse, you don't acknowledge that they have the right to know who their partner is, for want of a better description. You decided that your marital status isn't something that will affect the relationship but you've conveniently forgotten that you aren't the only person who gets to decide whether it's an issue or not.

I'm not aware of ANY model of polyamory that states honesty and informed consent of all isn't the underlying principle of this relationship style. It's what separates it from infidelity.
 
Thanks for your thoughts sparklepop, LoveBunny, Dagferi, Bluebird, GalaGirl, nycindie, and MightyMax.

It appears that the consensus here is to tell him up-front. The more I feel horrible about myself. But I promise to do something about it. If it was sooner, I would be easier. Honestly, this may sound immature to you guys, but how do I even start opening up the topic to him now after 6 months?

MightyMax, I was planning to tell eventually (but I should have done it before we even met as what Bluebird did). I may be naive and ignorant but dishonesty is never my habit that is why I'm bothered by it. Because when I initially posted the profile, I would want to try if my idea will work out (guilty as charged) but when I met a real person, it slowly changed my mind but I don't know how to correct it. Actually, every time we met in the past (especially the first few weeks), I was always looking for ways to open up the topic but he always jumped into another. I have no idea if he was doing it deliberately or he is just the type of person who doesn't want to talk about personal stuff. My impression was he has some issues too that he doesn't want to talk about. We haven't even formally talk about our own relationship status yet, whether I am a "gf" to him, a "fwb" or what. From thereon, I stopped being nosy too about him. It was more convenient for my circumstances to leave it that way, I thought (during that time).

If you fault "couple privilege" for it, then it was not something planned or intentional by both of us. In fact, when my dh became aware that I have not leveled with the "guy" about my real situation, he was worried too that it might erupt into violent emotions. But his advise was more pragmatic (I guess a guy thing!) like, that I just think of 1,001 ways to piss him off just to end the relationship as soon as possible to make it simpler and less painful for the guy. It is street wise and convenient but I still want to take the high road and is looking forward to make it right and perhaps save it because I truly like him.

It may sound I'm rationalizing but I accept the fact of my fault here.
 
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. . . how do I even start opening up the topic to him now after 6 months?

Opening up this topic can be difficult, but if I were you, this is how I would do it:

"Hon, there is something I need to tell you that is going to be very difficult for me to say, so I hope you will be patient with me. I need you to hear everything before you respond. What I have to say might shock you.

I should have told you this when we first met, but I didn't know how to bring it up and I never expected things to go so well between us. So first of all, I apologize for not telling you sooner - but here it is: I am married and my husband and I have an open marriage, an understanding that we can both have romantic and sexual relationships with other people.

You might have heard of the word polyamory which could also describe it. My husband knows about you and is okay with us having a relationship, but now I realize that not telling you about it never gave you the choice whether you wanted to get involved with me on that basis, and for that I am very, very sorry.

I care about you very much and never meant to hurt you. This is my first relationship after we opened up our marriage, and I don't want to make excuses, but I really didn't know how to go about this.

I know this is probably the strangest thing a woman has ever told you six months into a relationship, but I hope you are willing to talk to me about it before you make any decisions."

And then see what he has to say.
 
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The way that nycindie has put it out there sounds like good advice to me.
 
but how do I even start opening up the topic to him now after 6 months?

"I need to tell you something. I've made a mistake. I need to come clean.

I listed myself at single on my profile online. I am actually married. My spouse and I have an open relationship -- love share and sex share is ok with other people. He travels a lot for work. We have no kids.

At the time my line of reasoning was not to complicate things when it was just a date. I did not expect it to become a relationship. I now see I was not as honest as I could have been. I should have said so from the start. I've been feeling terrible about it. You deserve full honesty and full disclosure. In future I will be more up front.

I ask for your forgiveness and opportunity to make amends if you are willing grant it. I hope this is something you can forgive. If it is a deal breaker for you, I understand."

Then see what he says. It isn't like it will get EASIER to bring up 9 mos, 12 mos in. Just get it done -- in person, written in a letter, however. But done.

Galagirl
 
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This is a sticky situation. I find it odd this r'ship could go on for 6 months of increasing intimacy, what sounds like frequent dates and tons of sex and good endorphins, and you never accidentally let it slip in conversation, like, "Oh yesterday Jack and I went someplace and did something fun." "Jack? Who is Jack?"

New bf just never wanted to know who you lived with and who you cooked and ate with and who you did projects with and who you spent the rest of your days with and had vacations and holidays with? And you know just as little about him? I guess you spend more time fucking than talking?

I like NYCindie's and GG's "scripts" but I fear if someone dropped that bomb on me, as soon as I heard the word "married" the rest of the script would become white noise as my head exploded. Be careful. I hope he is a calm centered man.
 
nycindie and GalaGirl have both given you excellent advice on how to broach the subject.

Hindsight being 20/20... You could have put "married" on your dating profile, or added a piece to the narrative part (if there is one) about being in an open marriage and free to date.

You didn't, and you can't change the past.

You could have told him the situation either prior to the first date, or during or immediately after the first date when you determined that you wanted to see him again.

You didn't, and you can't change the past.

I hope coming clean with him now will have the most positive results possible for you. I hope he'll be able to forgive you and continue with the relationship. If not, I hope he'll at least be understanding and reasonable in the way he ends things. (Personally, I despise dishonesty, and even if I forgave someone for keeping something this vital from me, I would never be able to continue a relationship or even a friendship with them, because I would always wonder what *else* they hadn't told me. You might want to be prepared for the very real possibility that your guy would feel the same way under these circumstances.)

If things end with this guy, I hope you'll learn from the "could have dones" in this situation and apply them in the future so you don't wind up this way in another relationship.
 
So I posted a profile on a dating site, and identified myself as "single and available". My line of reasoning was not to complicate things as it won't impact my present relationship anyway since we have no children and my dh travels a lot at work.

I'd say that things are much more complicated now because the ID you chose did not reflect who you really are. I'd encourage you to, next time, claim your married status and go from there. You want to attract only men who are OK with one of the very foundations of your life. I was on a dating site as an openly married woman and got many positive inquiries, most from sincere, good people. An honest profile begets honest responders, for the most part, and opens you up to the people who are right for you in the long run.
 
Thank you for your suggested approaches and scripts nycindie, Bluebird, and GalaGirl. There are no more excuses but at least you're helping me to come out clean. I really have no practical experience in this situation. I have always been a lurker to your forum but I never imagined of actually being involved in the posts until now.

I also appreciate your thoughts and frankness, Magdlyn, the f*cking was really good more than the talking! I used the same pet name for both of them to avoid accidental name slip (I know you'll think how horrible I am).

But he is a good conversationalist when we talk about current issues and the news of the day but when it comes to personal stuff, he always jump into another topic before I can even finish.

but I fear if someone dropped that bomb on me, as soon as I heard the word "married" the rest of the script would become white noise as my head exploded. Be careful.

Honestly, this is something I'm having cold feet about.

Thanks for your additional inputs, KC43 and, HappilyFallenAngel. Assuming I survive this, and looking forward, how would I ID myself in a dating site, being married and someone who doesn't want to come out of the closet as poly? Is it acceptable to put "single and available" and just reveal the real situation before actually meeting up?
 
I used the same pet name for both of them to avoid accidental name slip (I know you'll think how horrible I am).

I, for one don't think you are horrible for THIS. Apparently I called Dude "MrS" in the throes of passion for at least a year before they told me about it...doh!:eek:

Is it acceptable to put "single and available" and just reveal the real situation before actually meeting up?

Still seems not truthful. Is it possible to put "attached and available" as an option?
 
Assuming I survive this, and looking forward, how would I ID myself in a dating site, being married and someone who doesn't want to come out of the closet as poly? Is it acceptable to put "single and available" and just reveal the real situation before actually meeting up?
On OkCupid, if you put married and looking for dating/sex, your status will show as "available," which implies "not single" on that site. Other dating sites may classify things differently, but bottom line is if there's a question about relationship status, you should check "married," not "single." If none of their options is accurate enough, explain your situation in your profile. I don't understand why you don't want to ID as poly in your dating profile. It's not like coming out as poly to people you know in real life.

If I met someone who claimed to be single at first, but it turned out they had a partner, I probably wouldn't want to continue the relationship. I don't care about their relationship status; it's the deception that is the real turn-off for most poly people.
 
Assuming I survive this, and looking forward, how would I ID myself in a dating site, being married and someone who doesn't want to come out of the closet as poly? Is it acceptable to put "single and available" and just reveal the real situation before actually meeting up?

My solution to this problem:
  • No ID-able picture (not showing my face).
  • Listed the location to the nearest big city and not the small place we live in - this I reveal soon after starting a conversation with someone.
  • Listed myself as "in an open relationship" and tell in my profile text that I have two live-in partners. To me that seems the most truthful, there is need to emphasize the fact that I am married to one of them - both relationships are primary type anyway.

I want to stay in the poly closet as far as neighbors and such are concerned. However, the online dating site and this forum, of course, are the places where I am openly poly; just not revealing my true identity.
 
how would I ID myself in a dating site, being married and someone who doesn't want to come out of the closet as poly? Is it acceptable to put "single and available" and just reveal the real situation before actually meeting up?

No. You will be utterly wasting the time of people who are looking for a different kind of relationship than what you're offering. And since single/monogamous is pretty much the "default setting" of people on most dating sites (with exceptions for SwingerDateClub, AshleyMadison, etc.) you really need to specify if you're something else. If you feel a need to stay in the closet, choose a photo that obscures your face, but be warned, depending on what site you're using, this may discourage people from contacting you.
 
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