New to Poly (Long post, sorry)

tiklemepink44

New member
As it says in the subject, I am new to poly relationships. A little background: I am a 28 year old female, my boyfriend (J) is a 45 year old male. We have been together and have lived together for about two and a half years. We have four children (three mine, one his, none together). Ever since we met, he has been open and honest about his desire for a three person relationship. At first I was a little skeptical but not completely close-minded about it. The more he talked about it, the more I seemed to be okay with the idea. We eventually took the steps to find a third girl to add to our relationship. After a few tries, we seem to have found a girl that fits in nicely to our relationship and life (A, 21 year old female) who we had tried with before and the circumstances were not very good. But now this is our second go-round, and the circumstances have improved greatly. And no, we are not trying to fit her into our “box,” we are all, for the most part, very open and honest about everything, what the expectations are for everyone, all that good communication and honesty stuff.

Now here is where my mind is: I thought I was open to this whole new world and I think I'm slowly finding out that I am not. When A first started coming over and hanging out again, it was fun and I looked forward to seeing her and talking. J was slightly cautious at first because of past experiences with her but eventually softened and opened up. My mindset was fine, I was excited to finally give J what he’s been wanting, a three person relationship. I am attracted to A, she is very nice and bubbly with a smoking body, but sometimes she is a little closed off and vague. I hear she is attracted to me as well, which is nice but she doesn’t ever seriously tell me, I always hear it through J. ANYWAYS, over the last month and half, my feelings have definitely become more negative about the whole situation. I thought I was okay with everything; them going out together, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, having sex. But I’m not. I really, really, really am not. My heart beats out of my chest whenever I think about them doing those things, nonetheless actually doing them. Finding out that they had sex in the same bed while I was asleep pretty much destroyed me (and no, I didn’t wake up, for some strange reason…and no, they didn’t even try to wake me up to join). So now, whenever she’s coming over, I have to fight off an anxiety attack. I have to battle my terrifying emotions and put on a smiling face, and act as someone who is talking and laughing with them but is inside being torn apart (sorry for the dramatics). I hate it. I can’t sleep well anymore, I don’t eat much anymore, but I have to act like everything is fine because if I don’t then I am “attention-seeking” and selfish. I have talked to them both about my feelings previously but the relief was only temporary and now the emotions are getting stronger and stronger and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to constantly be the rainy cloud over their parade. I want them to be happy. But at what expense? What should I do? How do I handle this? (Sorry this post is so long, but I’ve been holding most of this in the past week and I am at my wits end. A lot of this could probably be posted in separate threads, but at least you know where I’m at in general.) Thanks in advance for any help and advice!
 
It might be helpful if you used made-up names for your partners instead of initials. Initials are easily lost in the text, and it's easy to confuse them. (That isn't a criticism, just a helpful thought I've seen on here numerous times.)

As for your situation...

J wants a three person relationship. He's on board with it; it was his idea. He's enjoying physical and emotional intimacy and sex with A.

A, it sounds like, wants a relationship with J, but not necessarily with you. She's engaging in physical and emotional intimacy and sex with him. I can't tell from your post whether she's had sex with you; I'm thinking not.

You want a relationship with J. You maybe want a relationship with A, but mostly you just want J and A to be happy.

First of all... NEVER sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's. Insisting on having your own happiness isn't selfish, it's self-respect. (Take this from someone who did exactly that, sacrificed her own happiness for a partner's, for three months before it bit her in the frigging ass.)

You *thought* you were okay with this. You're not. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you continue trying to force yourself to accept this, you're being wrong to yourself.

I'm glad you've talked to them about your feelings and concerns, but it doesn't sound like talking to them is resolving anything. It's a huge red flag to me that you're apologizing to us in your post for being "dramatic" and that you say if you don't act like everything is fine, you're "attention seeking and selfish." You bloody well aren't. You aren't being dramatic, you aren't seeking attention, and you aren't selfish. You are in a situation where your needs and feelings are being put down and disrespected. You have the right to tell them how you feel. You have the right to feel that way. Anything else is BS.

Three people = a "three yes system," as Hubby would put it. If each one of you can't enthusiastically say "Yes, this works" to the situation, then something needs to change. Saying "Yes, I'm going to make myself be okay with it for their sake" is not the same as saying an enthusiastic yes.

If A's visits are affecting your mental health (anxiety attacks), this is not okay. If J insists on continuing to see A despite knowing the toll it's taking on you, this also is not okay. If you and J are committed to one another, it's important that he respect your needs as well as fulfilling his own.

If those needs don't match up, and if he's unwilling to budge on the current situation to make things easier for you, you might need to consider leaving him. Especially if you have children. Kids know a hella-lot more than adults think, and your children will pick up on you feeling upset and anxious. You aren't doing them any favors--or yourself--by staying in a relationship that makes you feel that way.
 
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You should never try pretending you are okay with something when you are not. I think you really need to discuss this with J, first, and start off by saying you need to get some things off your chest and want him to listen without interjecting, and that you are concerned that he will judge you and make wrong conclusions about what you have to say, but that you need to get it out.

Then let it rip.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

we are all, for the most part, very open and honest about everything, what the expectations are for everyone, all that good communication and honesty stuff.

You could go back to that honesty rather than suppressing yourself. Because in the last month and half you have come to realize you are NOT ok with everything.You tried and come to find that it is not for you. You guys hoped for a triad, but it sounds like V in practice.

Finding out that they had sex in the same bed while I was asleep pretty much destroyed me (and no, I didn’t wake up, for some strange reason…and no, they didn’t even try to wake me up to join).

Was this not communicated? Can't they go somewhere else? Like her place? Having sex right next to you while you sleep is stepping on toes in a major way when you want to be sleeping! That behavior is being super fresh!

I can’t sleep well anymore, I don’t eat much anymore, but I have to act like everything is fine because if I don’t then I am “attention-seeking” and selfish.

Who is calling you names and talking down to you like that? J? A?

You feel however you feel. You have every right to decline to participate any more and inform people where you stand. They cannot mind reader you. You tried and find it is not your scene.

Have the conversations you need to be having. Live up to the expectations of communication in this group.

  • You are no longer up for this.
  • Is J?
  • Is A?

Take a head count. The ones who are still up for it can continue to ride the bus, but pause to let you off it.

That is not you seeking attention or being selfish. That is you removing yourself from something you do not want so you can be free of stress.

I don’t want to constantly be the rainy cloud over their parade. I want them to be happy. But at what expense?

Worry more about your happiness. Every person is in charge of their own happiness. You do not have to be worrying about each of their happiness.

This arrangement is not bringing you joy. So remove it from your life. You could withdraw your willingness to participate in this 3 people thing. Remove whoever is talking down to you from your life. They can either continue or not without you. That's their choices to make.

But YOU are out of this scenario that you no longer want to be in. That is YOUR choice to make.

It may come down to you breaking up with them and finding a new place to live. I know that might be uncomfortable to think about, but when all choices stink, pick the least stinky. STAYING is clearly eroding your health. And leaving gets you out of this and reduces your stress.

Galagirl
 
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It seems like J wanted a non monogamous relationship and sharing a partner seemed like the way to achieve that but he has soon found that finding someone who feels the same about both of you is a really long shot. You agreed to this probably thinking it will be you and him plus your new shared toy but you soon found out that it can be pretty isolating when this was meant to be a shared toy and now the toy only really wants to play with J. This wasn't the poly you signed up for. You signed up for a couple plus one but you're now feeling more like the plus one than you banked on.

Basically, I think you have to acknowledge that nobody has done anything wrong here. They are just having a relationship. They don't have to invite you to every sex session or anything else. It's up to you to decide whether you can handle being part of a vee relationship where you and A share the same partner. If not, move on.
 
Was this not communicated? Can't they go somewhere else? Like her place? Having sex right next to you while you sleep is stepping on toes in a major way when you want to be sleeping! That behavior is being super fresh!

I disagree. Unless this was specifically communicated as a boundary, people in relationships are allowed to have sex in their bed. That is his bed too. If the norm is for them to invite her over to their home where she sleeps in their bed, and they are a couple, it should be expected that they are going to want to have sex. The only issue the OP has is that she was not invited to have sex too.
 
I disagree. Unless this was specifically communicated as a boundary, people in relationships are allowed to have sex in their bed. That is his bed too. If the norm is for them to invite her over to their home where she sleeps in their bed, and they are a couple, it should be expected that they are going to want to have sex.

And I disagree with this. It is both of their beds. One person's desire in the moment doesn't represent a get-out-of-consent-free card. Do you think it's acceptable to force someone (by not seeking consent) to be a voyeur to other people's shagging? Regardless of who has previously had sex with who, that is a total invasion of her privacy, and I would argue, makes her an unwilling participant to the sex in this case. I would be absolutely livid if my partner thought that was an acceptable thing to do. There are other rooms in the house.

Sure, the OP indicated that she might have been fine with it had she been woken up and included. But that's a whole different circumstance. Had she been woken up and asked if it was ok for them to fuck in the bed next to her, she would certainly have indicated that she was not fine with that. THAT is why the situation is fucked up and wrong. When the bed is empty, there is no need to ask for consent. When the bed is full, everyone needs to consent. I don't understand how someone couldn't see that.
 
And I disagree with this. It is both of their beds. One person's desire in the moment doesn't represent a get-out-of-consent-free card. Do you think it's acceptable to force someone (by not seeking consent) to be a voyeur to other people's shagging? Regardless of who has previously had sex with who, that is a total invasion of her privacy, and I would argue, makes her an unwilling participant to the sex in this case. I would be absolutely livid if my partner thought that was an acceptable thing to do. There are other rooms in the house.

Sure, the OP indicated that she might have been fine with it had she been woken up and included. But that's a whole different circumstance. Had she been woken up and asked if it was ok for them to fuck in the bed next to her, she would certainly have indicated that she was not fine with that. THAT is why the situation is fucked up and wrong. When the bed is empty, there is no need to ask for consent. When the bed is full, everyone needs to consent. I don't understand how someone couldn't see that.

Firstly, this is meant to be a TRIAD. I certainly would not ask permission to fuck a shared partner. Who am I asking for permission? Think about that for a second. Would the OP have to ask permission from A in the same circumstance? Would she fuck her boyfriend in the bed if A was there and asleep? This sounds like a couple privilege thing where A doesn't have "the right" to fuck her boyfriend J when she wants. It has to be with the OP's say so. Or at least, it's heading that way.

If she really would never dream of doing the same thing to A because it is inherently disrespectful, then at least she is being consistent, but I wouldn't necessarily agree that it is something which is always out of line. I think that it is boundary that needs to be communicated, especially when you are meant to be in a triad and not a vee. I would probably feel differently if it was a metamour and not a partner but then it is highly unlikely I'd be sharing a bed with a metamour. I just can't imagine feeling resentful that my two partners in a triad had sex without me in our bed. Even if it is the bed that only two of us usually sleep in and I was in it at the time.

Besides, she didn't even wake up so she was not a voyeur.
 
Firstly, this is meant to be a TRIAD. I certainly would not ask permission to fuck a shared partner. Who am I asking for permission? Think about that for a second. Would the OP have to ask permission from A in the same circumstance? Would she fuck her boyfriend in the bed if A was there and asleep? This sounds like a couple privilege thing where A doesn't have "the right" to fuck her boyfriend J when she wants. It has to be with the OP's say so. Or at least, it's heading that way.

I don't know if you are confusing permission and consent, but in any case: No, no one needs to ask permission to fuck a shared partner. Or any partner for that matter. I never said that. One on one sex in triads is a good thing I reckon, and I would personally not be keen on a permission-based model of polyamory, since my partners are all adults and can fuck whoever they like. OP might have indicted that there was an expectation of seeking permission in her set up, but that doesn't form any part of what I was saying about the specifics of someone fucking a person in a shared bed while someone is unconscious.

I believe that one does need to ask for consent if one wants to potentially include someone in their sex as a voyeur only, and that giving consent to group sex does not then entitle one to assume that one-on-one-without-you-right-next-to-you sex has also been consented to. Is that clearer?

If she really would never dream of doing the same thing to A because it is inherently disrespectful, then at least she is being consistent, but I wouldn't necessarily agree that it is something which is always out of line. I think that it is boundary that needs to be communicated, especially when you are meant to be in a triad and not a vee. I would probably feel differently if it was a metamour and not a partner but then it is highly unlikely I'd be sharing a bed with a metamour. I just can't imagine feeling resentful that my two partners in a triad had sex without me in our bed. Even if it is the bed that only two of us usually sleep in and I was in it at the time.

Then that's your personal feeling. When I have been involved in triads, we made space for one-on-one sex - we didn't just assume that it was ok to get jiggy right next to another, even if we were comfortable with the individual dyads having their own thing. For one, people need to sleep. You can fuck anywhere, but it's just inconsiderate to wake someone up, even if you're happy for them to join in if they do. For another, the whole point of one-on-one sex is to nurture THAT bond, and I would argue that for that reason it kind of should be excluding of the other in that instance. So find another room so those boundaries are not blurred.

As for whether OP's relationship is 'meant to be a triad' - well, that's kind of being debated, no? It seems to me that OP's relationship structure is in flux, and that it's functionally more of a V. In any case, it's clear that there hasn't been sufficient communication between the three of them to establish what any of them are comfortable with. To me, the default boundary in such cases is 'don't do anything unless all have agreed'.

I'm glad you acknowledge that there might be a difference between a V and a triad in these matters. I might be happy sharing a bed with a metamour, just as I'm happy cuddling on a sofa with a shared partner in the middle watching a movie, if I know that nothing sexual is going to happen. I would not be happy sharing a bed with a metamour if I knew that they would be wanting to be sexual with one another, and I would expect them to find another room to fuck in if the notion took them. Seems to me that this, more than couple privilege, is the real cause of discomfort here. OP has been told she's in a triad, but doesn't feel as though she is. If she did, perhaps she wouldn't feel so upset by this incident, because she would know that one-on-one sex with the other girl was an option for her at some point too.

Besides, she didn't even wake up so she was not a voyeur.

Totally not the point, and I think you know that.
 
I think that it is boundary that needs to be communicated, especially when you are meant to be in a triad and not a vee. I would probably feel differently if it was a metamour and not a partner but then it is highly unlikely I'd be sharing a bed with a metamour. I just can't imagine feeling resentful that my two partners in a triad had sex without me in our bed. Even if it is the bed that only two of us usually sleep in and I was in it at the time..

I agree with this. When Blue, Snow, & I were in a triad, exactly this situation happened a few times. It didn't bother any of us. It also wasn't uncommon for the excluded partner to wake up in the middle and join in. I think it really depends on the people involved. In this case, the OP is feeling excluded from the relationship and unhappy with poly so it makes sense that she would feel unhappy with this aspect too.

I'd also add that my situation was a little different in that we were poly from the start. If it was an existing relationship opening up (like the OP), I may feel differently. At any rate, she's unhappy with the situation now; therefore, it should be discussed.
 
To make this a little clearer, previously (one or two days prior to this) J and I initiated sex in the bed when A was there, partially asleep. But J made a point to wake her up so she could be included and wouldn't feel left out should she happen to be woken up during...so why don't I deserve the same? And I know for a fact they did not even try to wake me up because I would have. And they can't really go anywhere else to have sexual relations bc we have three small children and one teenage daughter in the house most nights.

Also, A does not live with us, but lives with roommates which makes her hesitant to have either of us over to her place. Which leads me to my newest problem...

Last night A came over. While she was in the shower, her phone went off and I saw a text from S, her male roommate, that said, "Love you"... I was not intentionally snooping but now I'm pretty sure A is also in a relationship with her roommate and is lying to us. We made it very clear that we wanted to be exclusive to each other from the beginning. Now I know this secret and I don't know what to do about it. Help.
 
To make this a little clearer, previously (one or two days prior to this) J and I initiated sex in the bed when A was there, partially asleep. But J made a point to wake her up so she could be included and wouldn't feel left out should she happen to be woken up during...so why don't I deserve the same? And I know for a fact they did not even try to wake me up because I would have. And they can't really go anywhere else to have sexual relations bc we have three small children and one teenage daughter in the house most nights.

Also, A does not live with us, but lives with roommates which makes her hesitant to have either of us over to her place. Which leads me to my newest problem...

Last night A came over. While she was in the shower, her phone went off and I saw a text from S, her male roommate, that said, "Love you"... I was not intentionally snooping but now I'm pretty sure A is also in a relationship with her roommate and is lying to us. We made it very clear that we wanted to be exclusive to each other from the beginning. Now I know this secret and I don't know what to do about it. Help.

That wouldn't be enough for me to assume they were in a cheating relationship. If you're going to be in a triad, exclusivity might not work for everyone. Particularly if there will be any limitations to the relationship, ie someone is going to be "secondary" to the other two.
 
MightyMax said:
I just can't imagine feeling resentful that my two partners in a triad had sex without me in our bed. Even if it is the bed that only two of us usually sleep in and I was in it at the time.

Then we can respectfully agree to disagree.

To me? She doesn't have to be involved in every sex act he is involved in. But when he chooses to have sex practically on top of her I think she could have a voice in whether or not she wants this to be happening to her. I think she could not have it foisted on her while she is unconscious. She could be asked.

That she did not wake up does not make their behavior of not asking ok. She sounds upset she was not asked ahead of time if this is ok with her or not. Especially when there this thing of

we are all, for the most part, very open and honest about everything, what the expectations are for everyone, all that good communication and honesty stuff

Somewhere there has been a failure to communicate about consent boundaries.

I just don't see where me fucking practically on an unconconcious person is loving or respectful behavior. I would ask first.

If I were the sleeping person? I want to feel SAFE while sleeping. Not wonder if the next time it's going to be

"Well, you were sleeping. I took naked pictures of you. You didn't notice or wake up so what's the big deal?"

"Well, you were sleeping. I fucked you. You didn't notice or wake up so what's the big deal?"

I can see why she would be upset by the lack of consideration. In those shoes, I would be also.

But J made a point to wake her up so she could be included and wouldn't feel left out should she happen to be woken up during...so why don't I deserve the same? And I know for a fact they did not even try to wake me up because I would have. And they can't really go anywhere else to have sexual relations bc we have three small children and one teenage daughter in the house most nights.

Yes. You could be given the same consideration. If space is that limited, all the more reason to talk about whether it is ok to have sex with you sleeping in the room. On the bed? The floor? A chair? Closet? Bathroom? Talk BEFORE doing it so you tell your preferences. Spell it out. And while at it, they could state their preferences/boundaries on that. Then everyone knows everyone else's. Don't assume you all have the same preferences. Different people are different.

Last night A came over. While she was in the shower, her phone went off and I saw a text from S, her male roommate, that said, "Love you"... I was not intentionally snooping but now I'm pretty sure A is also in a relationship with her roommate and is lying to us. We made it very clear that we wanted to be exclusive to each other from the beginning. Now I know this secret and I don't know what to do about it. Help.

Could be direct and ask. "I am sorry. Your phone went off when you were in the shower and I couldn't help but see it turn on. I saw S text that he loves you. Are you guys dating?"

But really even without this layer of it -- you already didn't sound happy dating A and J in a polyship from your original post. You've tried it for the SECOND time with him and A. You find it is not for you. The choices that I can see are

a) accept it how it is
b) ask if they are willing to change off putting behavior
c) bow out and withdraw your willingness to participate any more

It's on you to decide which way you want to go at this point in time.

Galagirl
 
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To make this a little clearer, previously (one or two days prior to this) J and I initiated sex in the bed when A was there, partially asleep. But J made a point to wake her up so she could be included and wouldn't feel left out should she happen to be woken up during...so why don't I deserve the same?

This changes my answer. On one hand, the fact that you & J initiated sex with A asleep in the bed, is effective consent to having J & A do the same (in my opinion.) But, the fact that J insisted on waking A but not waking you does feel exclusionary.

As for the text, I say 'I love you' to lots of people I'm not in a romantic or sexual relationship with.... my family, my kids, my friends. I wouldn't consider seeing an ILY text from a friend an indicator of cheating.

That said, this dynamic doesn't seem to be working for you. I agree with Galagirl on your choices. In your shoes, I'd probably start with honest communication with J & A and establishing/maintaining boundaries.
 
GalaGirl: Yes and yes. I understand there is a difference between comparing what she gets to what I get (You had sex with her twice, now you have to have sex with me twice, for example) and I know it doesn't have to be the same. What is important is that needs are being met.

I think a need of mine is to set some boundaries and come out with what I'm comfortable with and what I'm not comfortable with. I've been toying with this idea and how to go about doing it, which is sort of why I'm here...needed some outside opinions to make sure I'm not overreacting, or for someone to tell me that I am indeed overreacting. Like I said before, it all seems to be moving fast and now I feel like a hypocrite because in the beginning I had said that nothing would bother me and now lots of stuff is bothering me.

I also understand that time plays a big role here. It is new and we are trying to figure everything out so I don't want to just end it because of my frustrations and insecurities. I want to give it a fair chance because deep down, I really do want this to work. The other part of all these emotions that dawned on me yesterday as I was going through other people's posts is that I am not experiencing NRE...J and A are. So I'm pretty sure that has something to do with it all as well. :/ I am actually going to talk to a counselor tomorrow (J and A don't know) so that I can have someone else to confide in that is completely outside the relationship.

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to reply. It makes me feel less alone in this struggle. :)
 
That wouldn't be enough for me to assume they were in a cheating relationship. If you're going to be in a triad, exclusivity might not work for everyone. Particularly if there will be any limitations to the relationship, ie someone is going to be "secondary" to the other two.

A has known S for a little over a month. Any time she talks about him, she makes it seem like they barely talk and are just roommates. Also, S has slept with the other female roommate (literally, the night he moved into the house). When I say we made it clear to A that this was not an open relationship to anyone else, I mean we made it clear and J continues to do so with her, just as a friendly reminder and she agrees. So, the whole thing, in my mind, is sketchy. The problem we had with A previously was that she lied to us about being with someone while she was with us. So, this knowledge is definitely a weight on my shoulders based on her history. J thinks she has changed for the better because she is now in a relationship with us. But now I don't think she has changed at all and is just stringing us along do get what she needs out of us (money, free food, etc.) All of which does not help my mindset at all because I am protective of J and know that if he found out, either by my telling him or her slipping up or whatever, it would crush him. Difficult position to be in, in my opinion.
 
Even if exclusivity doesn't work for everyone in a triad, exclusivity or lack thereof is something to be negotiated and discussed among the triad. Saying "Okay, this doesn't work so I'm just going to go off and have another partner without telling my other partners" isn't acceptable. Particularly if there was previously an understanding that the triad *would* be exclusive.

That said, Tikle, S saying "I love you" to A doesn't necessarily mean that they're in a relationship. I have two female friends who always close their emails or text message conversations to me with "love you." I'm straight; they're both straight or at least say they are. There's no romantic or sexual thing there at all, just deep friendship. Saying "I deep friendship you" doesn't quite work.

It sounds like some of your issues with A currently come from what happened in the past. While I can definitely see where her past behavior caused you to lose trust in her, it might benefit you to try to see her behavior *now* instead of her behavior *then*.

As for the sex in the same bed thing... fuck no. If I'm sharing a bed with two other people and they decide to get jiggy with it, they'd damn well better either leave the bed or wake me up so *I* can leave. Anything else is disrespectful at the very least, and the thought of it is making me so furious that I can't even come up with the words I want. Doesn't matter if they've fucked there before. Doesn't matter if you and one of them have fucked before with the other one in the same bed, especially if the other one *was* awakened and given the option to leave or join in. Lack of "yes" means lack of consent, and that's wrong no matter how you try to frame it.
 
GalaGirl: Yes and yes. I understand there is a difference between comparing what she gets to what I get (You had sex with her twice, now you have to have sex with me twice, for example) and I know it doesn't have to be the same. What is important is that needs are being met.

Just to be clear, I am not talking about she gets sex x times and you get sex Y times. That doesn't need to be the same.

I think this part DOES need to be the same though -- he could ask for consent from ALL his partners. So could she.

You seem to want to go with option b -- ask them if they are willing to stop their off putting behavior. And you want to work on boundaries.

I encourage you to talk to your therapist about several things.

1) Him overstepping boundaries by fucking her almost on sleeping you. Her agreeing to. Him/her failing to ask for consent. Sort out what "consent" means and what "respect" means to you in the context of a relationship. Polyship or otherwise. And what happens if people you have a relationship with fail to do so. Sort it out with counselor to help you articulate those things. Then see if your people are willing to work with you or not.

2)You overstepping boundaries. I wonder why you are not willing for J to experience yucky feelings and cope with them himself. Why does he need your "protection?" It is not your job to manage the world around him so he never feels yucky. It is his job to manage his emotions and his choices as he moves through the world. You seem like you are taking his emotional management on for yourself.

3) Why are you giving someone you have been dating 6 weeks food and money? She is not your dependent. Is this a "sugar daddy" dynamic? Did you agree to this dynamic -- esp if you have joint finances?

4) You mention NRE -- is there some [URL="http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell"]poly hell
to this?

5) I wonder if you are in the bargaining stage of the grief process. Like still trying to figure out a way to make it work when you know you are not up for this any more with these people. If so... could talk to therapist about that also. Maybe even talk that one over first.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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As for the sex in the same bed thing... fuck no. If I'm sharing a bed with two other people and they decide to get jiggy with it, they'd damn well better either leave the bed or wake me up so *I* can leave. Anything else is disrespectful at the very least, and the thought of it is making me so furious that I can't even come up with the words I want. Doesn't matter if they've fucked there before. Doesn't matter if you and one of them have fucked before with the other one in the same bed, especially if the other one *was* awakened and given the option to leave or join in. Lack of "yes" means lack of consent, and that's wrong no matter how you try to frame it.

Yes, yes, and yes! These are my thoughts exactly! I know part of my anger was indeed the fact they were having sex, because I am not really sure how I feel about it (mixed emotions at different times) but this particular instance just made my blood boil! I wasn't given any options, which isn't right on many levels. So not only do I feel like I don't have a choice in the matter, now I'm feeling like I'm being purposely left out for whatever reason(s). A talk definitely needs to be had. I think I need to make notes. Hopefully I will be able articulate clearly after I discuss things with my therapist because right now I feel like I am everywhere at once...too much to deal with at one time.
 
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