tiklemepink44
New member
As it says in the subject, I am new to poly relationships. A little background: I am a 28 year old female, my boyfriend (J) is a 45 year old male. We have been together and have lived together for about two and a half years. We have four children (three mine, one his, none together). Ever since we met, he has been open and honest about his desire for a three person relationship. At first I was a little skeptical but not completely close-minded about it. The more he talked about it, the more I seemed to be okay with the idea. We eventually took the steps to find a third girl to add to our relationship. After a few tries, we seem to have found a girl that fits in nicely to our relationship and life (A, 21 year old female) who we had tried with before and the circumstances were not very good. But now this is our second go-round, and the circumstances have improved greatly. And no, we are not trying to fit her into our “box,” we are all, for the most part, very open and honest about everything, what the expectations are for everyone, all that good communication and honesty stuff.
Now here is where my mind is: I thought I was open to this whole new world and I think I'm slowly finding out that I am not. When A first started coming over and hanging out again, it was fun and I looked forward to seeing her and talking. J was slightly cautious at first because of past experiences with her but eventually softened and opened up. My mindset was fine, I was excited to finally give J what he’s been wanting, a three person relationship. I am attracted to A, she is very nice and bubbly with a smoking body, but sometimes she is a little closed off and vague. I hear she is attracted to me as well, which is nice but she doesn’t ever seriously tell me, I always hear it through J. ANYWAYS, over the last month and half, my feelings have definitely become more negative about the whole situation. I thought I was okay with everything; them going out together, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, having sex. But I’m not. I really, really, really am not. My heart beats out of my chest whenever I think about them doing those things, nonetheless actually doing them. Finding out that they had sex in the same bed while I was asleep pretty much destroyed me (and no, I didn’t wake up, for some strange reason…and no, they didn’t even try to wake me up to join). So now, whenever she’s coming over, I have to fight off an anxiety attack. I have to battle my terrifying emotions and put on a smiling face, and act as someone who is talking and laughing with them but is inside being torn apart (sorry for the dramatics). I hate it. I can’t sleep well anymore, I don’t eat much anymore, but I have to act like everything is fine because if I don’t then I am “attention-seeking” and selfish. I have talked to them both about my feelings previously but the relief was only temporary and now the emotions are getting stronger and stronger and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to constantly be the rainy cloud over their parade. I want them to be happy. But at what expense? What should I do? How do I handle this? (Sorry this post is so long, but I’ve been holding most of this in the past week and I am at my wits end. A lot of this could probably be posted in separate threads, but at least you know where I’m at in general.) Thanks in advance for any help and advice!
Now here is where my mind is: I thought I was open to this whole new world and I think I'm slowly finding out that I am not. When A first started coming over and hanging out again, it was fun and I looked forward to seeing her and talking. J was slightly cautious at first because of past experiences with her but eventually softened and opened up. My mindset was fine, I was excited to finally give J what he’s been wanting, a three person relationship. I am attracted to A, she is very nice and bubbly with a smoking body, but sometimes she is a little closed off and vague. I hear she is attracted to me as well, which is nice but she doesn’t ever seriously tell me, I always hear it through J. ANYWAYS, over the last month and half, my feelings have definitely become more negative about the whole situation. I thought I was okay with everything; them going out together, cuddling, kissing, holding hands, having sex. But I’m not. I really, really, really am not. My heart beats out of my chest whenever I think about them doing those things, nonetheless actually doing them. Finding out that they had sex in the same bed while I was asleep pretty much destroyed me (and no, I didn’t wake up, for some strange reason…and no, they didn’t even try to wake me up to join). So now, whenever she’s coming over, I have to fight off an anxiety attack. I have to battle my terrifying emotions and put on a smiling face, and act as someone who is talking and laughing with them but is inside being torn apart (sorry for the dramatics). I hate it. I can’t sleep well anymore, I don’t eat much anymore, but I have to act like everything is fine because if I don’t then I am “attention-seeking” and selfish. I have talked to them both about my feelings previously but the relief was only temporary and now the emotions are getting stronger and stronger and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to constantly be the rainy cloud over their parade. I want them to be happy. But at what expense? What should I do? How do I handle this? (Sorry this post is so long, but I’ve been holding most of this in the past week and I am at my wits end. A lot of this could probably be posted in separate threads, but at least you know where I’m at in general.) Thanks in advance for any help and advice!