GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
I stick with the "verify if things seem suspicious" option. Well, to be honest, it's more like bail if things seem suspicious. My reasons for not wanting to date a cheater are selfish - I don't want the drama, I don't want the kind of relationship where I can't call them when I want to or hold hands in public without worrying. So if I'm getting that vibe I'm not going to stick around, whether they're actually cheating or not. Like the guy who asked me on our first (and only, lol) date to not wear perfume because his wife might smell it. Not worth it, sorry.
I wouldn't deliberately try to cause trouble in someone's relationship. But the notion that I have an obligation to make absolutely sure I'm not inadvertently causing problems... Where does that end?
Is determining cheating vs not cheating really enough? What about couples who have the ridiculous "no feelings" rules? What about couples who are new to poly and may not know how it will truly affect them? Or couples who have shitty communication skills? Sure, you can back off when you realize that stuff, but how different is that from backing off when you realize someone is a cheater? It isn't like poly means no one will get hurt. People get hurt in poly all the time, just skim this board
And then there's the whole "cheaters gonna cheat" argument, which I actually agree with. Not just that if someone can't cheat with Person A, they'll do it with Person B. For me it's more that the infidelity starts when one partner gets to a point where they would cheat if given the chance. If someone is cool with lying to their partner and sneaking around - if they're looking for that or even just saying to themselves, yup, I'd cheat under the right circumstances - the damage is already there.
So I do feel like I have an obligation - but it's an obligation to myself and my current partners, to keep our lives as healthy and positive as possible. Which means dating only people who treat me well and respect my other relationships. I don't think I can take on obligations beyond that.
I wouldn't deliberately try to cause trouble in someone's relationship. But the notion that I have an obligation to make absolutely sure I'm not inadvertently causing problems... Where does that end?
Is determining cheating vs not cheating really enough? What about couples who have the ridiculous "no feelings" rules? What about couples who are new to poly and may not know how it will truly affect them? Or couples who have shitty communication skills? Sure, you can back off when you realize that stuff, but how different is that from backing off when you realize someone is a cheater? It isn't like poly means no one will get hurt. People get hurt in poly all the time, just skim this board
And then there's the whole "cheaters gonna cheat" argument, which I actually agree with. Not just that if someone can't cheat with Person A, they'll do it with Person B. For me it's more that the infidelity starts when one partner gets to a point where they would cheat if given the chance. If someone is cool with lying to their partner and sneaking around - if they're looking for that or even just saying to themselves, yup, I'd cheat under the right circumstances - the damage is already there.
So I do feel like I have an obligation - but it's an obligation to myself and my current partners, to keep our lives as healthy and positive as possible. Which means dating only people who treat me well and respect my other relationships. I don't think I can take on obligations beyond that.