"He fills himself with culture
He gives himself an ulcer" -- Gang of Four, "At Home He's a Tourist"
Two things happened since I last posted. Well, there were other things, like Christmas and all the events around that, but two I wanted to talk about.
The first was that I went on a cruise last month. I won enough points on a phone app to buy the cruise...well, almost, as I still had to pay taxes and fees, but it was at least a lot cheaper than it would have been otherwise. Because of the nature of the purchase, I had to go by myself--which I wanted to do anyway. The only other cruise I'd been on was with my dad and his new family and it all felt very claustrophobic. This one I would be able to meet loads of women and have a fantastic time with them and who am I kidding. Not that I didn't have a good time. I got to visit a couple of nice port cities, ate far too much food, saw a magic show, etc. And of course I was away from the apartment and dad's situation and work (which was particularly good as I'd lost my main client a few weeks before the cruise started). So that was definitely a positive.
I did meet a couple of women. One was about my age. We sat next to each other on the trolley around Cozumel and talked for a couple hours. That was all very nice, but she had a husband and so I just treated it as a chance to talk to someone. The other was a younger woman who happened to be from near Tucson. We talked for a good period of time, I invited her to a show or dinner later, she wasn't interested, and that was that. Honestly, after not having had even a date over the last five years, it felt good to even talk to someone I was interested in. Here in this town I haven't even met anyone single and my age yet (more about that later).
There was one interesting situation late one night. I was going back to my room and a couple walked into the elevator with me and a bunch of older passengers. The man was about my age or older, the woman was quite a bit younger and very attractive. Both were a bit soused and the woman was wearing very high heels and wobbling a bit. The man repeatedly said to the woman "see, you don't need me" and the woman responded "no, I need you for introductions." It wasn't an argument, they were laughing about it. So I figured they were doing some roleplay...but whether that was swinging, hotwife, threesome...eh, who knows. And then later I thought maybe I should have asked them about it. I mean I kind of would really sort of like to get laid once this decade.
But maybe I don't want to get involved in something like that again.
"Two steps forward
Six steps back, six steps back, six steps back, six steps back" -- Gang of Four, "At Home He's a Tourist"
A pall hung over the cruise. The night before I left I called my stepmom to see how things were going back home. I could hear talking in the background and I asked about it. "The nurse is here," she said. Oh, for your mom? "No, for your dad."
Dad didn't have an at-home care nurse. At least until after I left for the cruise.
I found out what happened after I got back. It was actually worse than I thought the whole time I was away. Dad's hemoglobin levels were at "go to emergency room immediately". He spent three days in the hospital, taking on three units of blood. When I got back he was out, but looked in horrible shape. Apparently the situation had been really serious as he'd talked to a chaplain about whether this might be the end or not.
After the transfusion his hemoglobin levels stabilized, although his last blood test showed they were creeping downwards again. It's possible his liver is starting to fail, and his body can't produce enough of it to operate effectively. Or--since this is dad--he'll stabilize again and outlive everybody. It is true though that he is very tired, even by walking for a few minutes. He tries to hide it by leaning against things or "needing to watch something on TV", although he did admit it to me last week.
So one more thing to worry about.
"She said she was ambitious
So she accepts the process" -- Gang of Four, "At Home He's a Tourist"
One of the things I kind of accepted when I moved here was that I'd have to put up with dad and his new family's political leanings and their church. The first one I try to skate around by just leaving when they put on the "Fair and Balanced Channel". Honestly I'd consider going anyway when they put on TV--I don't go to someone's house to watch them watch TV.
With the other one I thought I could Kobiyashi Maru it by attending a few of the services to help my stepgrandmother (and increasingly dad) get around their old, large church. And it's true that I've started volunteering at their food bank, because I've done that at a lot of other places and it's something I enjoy doing. But everything else at that church....they really want me to join the church and start going every Sunday. I've been sort of religious most of my life, and I haven't minded going to more liberal services. But this place, oof. It's a diverse church demographically, but an extremely conservative one theologically. They're not even OK with divorced people remarrying (how my stepmom handles this is her business, but it makes me feel like a second-class person). Of course that's nothing compared with how they feel about people with different sexual or gender identities. I feel like a traitor to my LGBTQ+ friends and colleagues even being there.
I can't accept this process. My sister who just came to visit is encouraging me to stop going. But that would upset the rest of the family to the point that they'd probably stop speaking to me entirely. (And if they knew about my past? I'd lucky to ever see any of them again.) So I think I'm somewhat stuck. I think the best course of action is to quietly step away by being out of town more often on weekends. And I probably could say that I don't "deserve" to join the church because I'm divorced.
Or maybe I could find a partner who attends a less restrictive church and go there with her. Judging by the number of churches and liquor stores in this city, there's not much to do here but go to church and drink.