Meta seeking help finding balance

Boundfate

New member
Hello,

I hope you can help me!

I have identified poly for 15 years and been in various forms of poly relationships in that time. I met my now husband and was open with wanting poly. We did some but not much with it and we were functionally monogamous with a few several month flings. I am hierarchically poly and have always been even when I was the second or third.

Fast forward to now - I have 2 small children (under a year and 3 years.) 2 years ago my husband met a wonderful woman (call her K) that I adore. Nothing sexual between us unfortunately but I am looking forward to a larger house where we can live together and she really embodies everything I think of when I hear sister wife. When she came into our lives I was newly pregnant and needing help - we established time rules where she watched my son so I could have a date night with my husband and I would then have my son alone at night so she could go on a date. Perfect.

1 year ago my husband met a woman who is anarchist poly, call her J. K and J dated briefly but it didn't work out. J is not comfortable around kids alone and is more introverted in general. There was initial friction between J and K because the rules were different- K "pays" for her date night by watching my kids so I can get a date night as well. J doesn't want to do that which is fine, but then she isn't contributing the same effort to the success of the bigger family that K is.

I agreed it was different but felt like K was at a different place than J. K has become a close friend and the only thing stopping her from moving in and Co parenting is the size of our tiny house. J was just 1 date a month girl and I will fully admit my fault in not putting the same effort into building my relationship with her.

Add onto this my husband works frequent overtime.

Last month my husband and J expressed a desire to deepen their relationship. However I am struggling. I don't know where extra time for J could possibly come from short of me feeling like a single parent. I don't want to be a bitch but I need my husband home helping with chores and bath time. K gets more time with us and John has expressed jealousy, but K creates room to get time - she comes over and makes dinner, last night she helped fold laundry so husband could go to bed faster and therefore have more time for 1:1.

Last piece in the book. Recently a close friend who sonetime watches our kids also expressed interest in my husband. I found myself more willing to take on more work for that relationship to succeed because I feel like she is invested in the family as a whole (me and the kids and K.)

Saying you have to work for your date time sounds horrible, but it is in essence how I feel. How would you navigate this? Is it fair to say if you date him you are dating the family and if it isn't ok, how do I deal with the different effort levels without resentment and preferences building?
 
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Your kids are not J's problem. She didn't decide to have kids you did. Childcare and etc are on you and your husband. They are your children not hers. Your metamours are not your nanny, maid, slave or wife

J doesn't need to pay tribute to you to spend time with her partner. Her relationship with your husband has nothing to do with you. If she doesn't want to do something guess what she is an adult. She and your husband should be free to seek whatever relationship they want. She is dating HIM not your family.

I have kids with Butch. They are not Murf's responsiblity. He doesn't have to provide services to Butch for the honor of seeing me.
 
Harsh, Dagferi!

Welcome, Boundfate. I'd say this is on your husband. Where does he get the idea he can have 4 lovers while having 2 babies at home? That's just nuts.

I'd tell him you need him at home in the evenings to help with baths, stories, pjs, and getting those kid to SLEEP.

Ask for what you want. If he won't keep it in his pants, hire a sitter on his dime. If he is neglecting YOUR needs for rest, sex, companionship, etc., TELL HIM.

Many people slow up or stop practicing poly when their kids are quite young. In your case, K sounds great. The others may be causing harm to you and your children.
 
I agree with Mags.

How do you budget? Hubby and I each have personal/fun money to do with whatever we want. My dates with Boy come out of my personal money. If I wanted a baby-free date when Hubby was not willing/able to take care of little girl, the sitter would come out of my personal money.

My typical date night: Boy comes over, we eat dinner with Hubby and little girl. Half the time we then retire to the bedroom to watch a movie. If little girl gets uncontrollably upset (she is, admittedly, a momma's girl and potentially over attached to me), then I leave the room to help soothe her then return when able. If it takes too long, Boy will either come join the family or read or (if it's late) go ahead and go to sleep. The other half of the time, we just hang out as a group - playing games, playing with the kid, etc.

Boy specifically tries to time date nights for evenings that I will be home alone with the kid. Hubby works multiple jobs, so at least once a week I am solo parenting for the day. Boy enjoys helping out and will come over so it is not as difficult on me to cook, clean up, entertain a baby, and put a baby to bed. This is his choice, but is appreciated by both me and Hubby - enough that Hubby definitely tries harder to make sure Boy has alone time with me (which sounds much like how you feel towards K).

Very rarely, Boy and I will go out to dinner on our regular, weekly date night. Usually when that happens, Hubby and little girl come along as well. Boy also tries to time date nights so that he is here when Hubby has to work in the evening, which means no matter what we do, the baby is with us. If I have, for some reason, felt disconnected from Boy or overwhelmed by kids (I'm a nanny so have 3-4 kids for 10 hours a day Monday-Friday - 1 of which is mine and the other 3 are 2 or under), then Hubby will keep little girl home.

Once a month, I have an overnight at Boy's. This is new, and it is only happening because Hubby insists that I need regular time away from the kid.

If I wanted to add another relationship? I would have to pay for the sitter, because Hubby is pretty much maxed out in the evenings between work and being primary caregiver once a week.

If Hubby wants to start dating? I'll give him 1 evening/4 hour stretch of time weekly. When/if they get serious, I'll add in an overnight. Anything over that, and he is finding a sitter/housekeeper/something to help me out which he would pay for with his personal money.

Long story short: Kids come first. He should WANT to see his kids sometimes. Having so many people taking time away from them doesn't sound like what is best for them. Second, it is HIS responsibility as a coparent to make sure you have support when needed. That means it is either him being there, one of his partners helping you out (if everyone is open to it), OR him paying for support. That should in no way come out of the money available to you or the family for needs/wants - it should be 100% his contribution as a parent with responsibilities.
 
I've been the J in a similar poly/kid equation.

My boyfriend didn't have a kid when we started dating but I knew that it was his and his wife's long term plans. I am not a kid person or a baby person and I really struggled with the change. After three years of dating they had a kid. My boyfriend's wife at the time had a really involved partner outside the marriage. He was a lot like K. He moved in with them for six months and helped with the baby. He was there at the delivery. And despite them splitting up later he is still a part of the kids life.

How we've come to handle the situation, and this might be very different because we are long distance and see each other for 3-7 days at a time, is that my boyfriend takes the kid by himself for a weekend or some evenings to give his wife child free time. While I'm in town we have some rules in place, which is we find a way to have 24 hours child free and I know when we'll be expected to be in a primary child caring role. He comes down and sees me half the time (normally for shorter trips because it's harder for him to be away from home, both with his job and with his parenting role) and I go up and see him half the time. He "makes up" for the time he isn't available for child care while I'm not around. And I've learned to deal with being with the kid for parts of our relationship.

I love and respect their relationship and their daughter is pretty great for a kid. He only has one partner outside of his marriage at the moment and I'm pretty sure that him finding another wouldn't have been an option on the table while the kid was under two. The way we've worked things out means his relationship with me is mostly not an added burden on his wife, which is important to me. But it's his job to make sure. He is the one checking in with his wife. He is the one making sure she gets time without the kid. He is the one working with me on our scheduling so that the kid is taken care of and I know what to expect. I check in with his wife because we are good friends and I love her and want to make sure she feels cared for but it's his job as the hinge, as a husband, as a father and as a boyfriend to make sure he is taking care of his family and his relationships. It's a lot. And this wouldn't work at all if he wasn't willing to step up and do the work.
 
I am sorry you struggle.

You guys practice a lot of models. I might be wrong but the current models are something like.... primary-secondary model. Where the "primary" is the blue and the "secondary" is the green.

(family poly = you, husband, and K in a "V" with husband as the hinge and all coparenting the children) + ( husband + J = date once a month)

Blue bubble is looking to move to a bigger house to better fit the family poly people.

Green bubble wants more than 1 date a month now.

Husband wants to date a new person at this time also. Make it be

(family poly people) + ( husband + J) + (husband + 4th woman)

You want to know where the time will come from. Why don't you ask him? Isn't his time management his job?

TIME MANAGEMENT

Last month my husband and J expressed a desire to deepen their relationship. However I am struggling. I don't know where extra time for J could possibly come from short of me feeling like a single parent. I don't want to be a bitch but I need my husband home helping with chores and bath time.

Could ask him where the time will come from and ask him to reassure you that he's still going to keep his agreements with you on the kid and chore front.

Could state what you are and are not up for, and then let the rest of his time management be his responsibility to sort out.

Could say "I am willing for you to date J more often. I am not willing to be stuck with all the parenting and chores like I'm a single mom. I expect you to hold up your agreements with me and do your part of the chores, your part of the parenting, and keep up with our date nights. After that? I can respect that you spend the rest of your time how you want with your other dating partners."

Then let him sort it out. If he spreads himself too thin and burns out? Well... maybe he has to learn the hard way not to do that.

HIS JOBS & WHETHER OR NOT HIS GFs HELP HIM WITH HIS JOBS

If (you + him) time calls for you guys to find a babysitter? I assume you and him take turns getting one. If it is always you getting the sitter? You could ask yourself how doing both your turns and his turns finding the sitter helps you find balance. Why do you do his jobs?

If he asks his girlfriend K to help him with his share of the chores to help free up more of his time so he can spend it with her? She doesn't have to, but she chooses to. When he asks K to sit when it is his turn to get the babysitter? K chooses to help him out. This might even be part of the blue bubble chores since she's in the family poly wing of things.

If he asks J and J doesn't want to do that babysitting stuff? Not her kids, not her job, not her bubble. If he asks J and she doesn't want to help him with his chores either? Not her chores. Not her job. Not her bubble. She only signed up to be his basic green GF.

I assume he is doing the asking. If YOU are going around asking his GFs to do his jobs for him... you could step back and wonder why you do this and how this helps you find balance.

EXTRA WORK

Recently a close friend who sometime watches our kids also expressed interest in my husband. I found myself more willing to take on more work for that relationship to succeed because I feel like she is invested in the family as a whole (me and the kids and K.)

Why are you willing to take on extra work? Don't you have enough jobs of your own in blue bubble? Why not just do you fair share of the parenting, your fair share of the house chores, your turn arranging the babysitter when it is date night for you and husband? :confused:

Why do you have to do extra jobs like helping him with his dating life in green bubble or purple bubble? When do you rest? When you neglect your need to rest... how does that help you find balance in your life?

EVERYONE's MOM -- is this happening here?

Saying you have to work for your date time sounds horrible, but it is in essence how I feel. How would you navigate this?

WHO has to clear up work load to create extra date time? The husband right?

Is it fair to say if you date him you are dating the family...?

That's weird in two ways to me.

1) It's like you telling his green GF J or his purple potential "Johnny can't come out to play until he does all his chores first."

You are his wife. You are not his mom arranging his playdates and explaining to the little friends when they come over what the rules of the house are. Is husband trying to parent-ifying you? Are you doing it to yourself?

You can practice hierarchical poly without becoming "everyone's mom." If you want more balance and are taking on too much or turning yourself into "everyone's mom"... you could stop so you feel less stressed.

2) They aren't dating you. They aren't dating the family. They are dating him.

So why is it your job to state what he is/is not available for as a dating partner and negotiate things with his potentials? Isn't stating what he can and cannot offer them his job? Doesn't he know what he can offer or not? :confused: If he misrepresents himself to potentials and gets himself into a bind promising more than he actually can deliver... why are you not wiling to let him experience natural consequences?

3) If it's that you only are willing to practice family poly? Make him aware and ask him if he's willing to do that also.

BEING DIRECT

... how do I deal with the different effort levels without resentment and preferences building?

Who do you resent? Why?

Who do you prefer? Why?

Are you not able to tell husband something like...

"Husband, I am willing for you to date others, so long as you respect that you are in a family poly model over on this side (me, you, K).

They don't have to join the family poly model part -- it could be like a "separate V" thing where you practice X model with them, and you practice family model over here with us.

I expect you to manage your time and obligations. Please reassure me you aren't going to spread yourself too thin and tell me what your plan to combat that is. I need reassurance. I am afraid I'm going to get stuck with all the kid care, house chores, and not have my date nights with you."​

how do I deal with the different effort levels without resentment and preferences building?

  • If you put in more than your fair share of the work? You could stop doing that.
  • If your husband doesn't seem to hold up his end of all his sticks? You could ask him to step it up and/or set some sticks down because he can only do but so much.

If you are ok with his GF's doing his work for him in blue bubble so long as the work gets done? Why do you have to be the coordinator for all that? His chores, he can solve how they get done. He can ask them if they are willing to help him. They can answer if they are willing or not.

J doesn't want to be taking on his chores for herself. I think that is reasonable. Yet you think less kindly of her. Is it because you want to be more like her? Be able to say "No, thanks" when husband fobs his chores off on you?

I assume you have certain parenting agreements with husband. That you will do X with the kid tasks and he will do Y. Is he hold up his end of the sticks there? Are you?

I assume you have certain household chore agreements with husband. That you will do X with the chores and he will do Y. Is he hold up his end of the sticks there? Are you?

I see you say that you practice hierarchical/family poly with your husband. I assume he agrees to this model. Well... Is he holding up his end of the sticks there? Are you?

He chose to help make the children. Childcare is not "optional." Dating 4 women at once is. He could scale back if he's got too many partners and he's spreading himself too thin.

Is he giving you enough attention, love, and care as his partner? Dating you enough? Or not? Ask directly for what you need. Stop looking at what the GF's get or not. Because say he spends a lot of time with the GFs. And he's not spending enough time with you for you to feel happy/close. And you tell him to dump the GFs. Even if he does it that doesn't automatically mean he's going to spend the new free time with you. He could take up a red golfing bubble and now you are a golf widow. Still not spending more time with you.

If you want more time with you, ASK for that directly.

If the root problem is that he makes agreements he doesn't keep? It doesn't matter what models are being practiced. The problem is not the models or the problems. It's him making agreements he doesn't keep.

I am sorry you deal in all this. I hope things get better for you.

Galagirl
 
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I agree with what others have said here. This is on HIM to make the time for these girlfriends, but his relationship with YOU and time with you are what you negotiate with him. I do think it is wonderful that he has a partner who is willing to take on some of the childcare so that you and your husband can get time out yourselves. That is huge, and I admit I would be must more open to my husband having a partner that was able to offer something like that. But I would never make it a requirement.

From a family standpoint, the two of you have obligations that need to be met, and he needs to come up with the solutions, or have all of you sit down and discuss this together. Especially since there are many people involved.

The fact that J and he want to deepen their relationship is something that he needs to honestly look at and see if it is possible to spend time with her more than he already is. Is K willing to give up any of her time with him? Or are you the only one being asked to accommodate? Truth is, you have a family together and you have to put kids first.
 
Hi Boundfate,

J doesn't want to do any kid-related jobs. Would she be willing to do non-kid-related jobs? Vacuuming? Cooking? Dishes? Laundry? Something else?

That aside, I pretty much agree with the others that it is time for your husband to step up to the plate and figure out how his share of the work is going to get done ... while he juggles four different women. When you put it in that light, it seems rather crazy. But, if he can figure it out, then I guess he can do it.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Odd that you mention "sister-wife" & seem to be a polygamous "first wife"...

He's pushing it until it breaks -- why, I can't fathom.

Your husband had you + kids + household + K, & barely time for that much.

Then he added J as a siderial relationship in his (nonexistent?) free time. That wasn't enough, so he expects to make that "more real" but "I don't know where extra time for J could possibly come from" seems like an understatement.

Now he wants to add L.

:confused:

Is there a possibility he's pushing you to divorce him, so that he can be a Sometime Dad & otherwise a harem-building bachelor (& set YOU up as The Bad Guy for denying his "polyamory")?
 
It does seem like he's trying to do a little harem building. It's hit or miss as far as if the members of the harem will pitch in on the "family plan". And in all of this there seems zero time for you to be seeing anyone else.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect J to suddenly like kids. I'm not sure why you'd want her watching your kids knowing this, as well as the fact you don't know her well enough to let her be alone with them. What is reasonable is expecting your husband to work out taking up the slack if he wants a partner who can't pitch in.
 
Hi Boundfate,

J doesn't want to do any kid-related jobs. Would she be willing to do non-kid-related jobs? Vacuuming? Cooking? Dishes? Laundry? Something else?

Why should J be vacuuming, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry for Boundfate?

Maybe the husband should be helping to take care of his own home and children. It's called being a grown up.
 
Thank you

Thank you everyone for all of the replies - I very much appreciate them. I have replies but as I mentioned in the op - very little time. I will try to get on later today to answer questions. The advice is being digested and appreciated.
 
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