So much here to unpack
Wow, sexyserb! I don't know how I missed this response, but now that I've read it, I need a drink and a pan of brownies! (But mostly the drink!)
I definitely appreciate your straight talk! If I'm honest, nothing you said here rings terribly off base and nothing you've said here is something I hadn't thought of, at least momentarily. I don't know that I've dwelled much on most of it though, so I'm grateful to have this here in black and white to read and re-read until I've processed this all as much as a person really can without actually just jumping in to the pool and sinking or swimming, so to speak.
I just posted an update -- we're now officially on this road, for better or for worse. I truly hope it's for better.
P.S. Your signature says you're back to being mono to preserve your marriage. Did you post about that decision here -- and if so, how do I find that? I'd love to hear more about why.
TMW,
So lets start from the beginning of your post. Your husband has gone back and forth like a yo yo on this. First he was OK, then not OK, the he can handle it. Really.??? All that shows is he is totally confused.
So here you have a guy who now wants to do it for himself, which you believe like you believe the moon is made of swiss cheese. Now, not one person here has a clue, nor do you, what will happen when as you say the hypothetical becomes a reality, you might want to read a thread by a poster named SURFERJEN, whose husband told her he was fine with it, and if you want to you can read my original post and history.
So lets start with the premise he his OK and wants to do it, which I am not convinced of and do not believe you are either. If he is like most men, he is looking at the excitement of physical intimacy, i.e.SEX ( males #1 need), and is most likely thinking one iota of falling in love or developing very strong emotions for anyone but you. But unless you are one of the few who believe men and womens brains function identically, you will read and understand that women very rarely sustain sexual relationships with a person without developing strong emotional bonds. So, the big question is how do you handle that one.????
Now the talk about growing old together. Wonderful, you love bombed him on vacation and now you are hearing a lot of what you want to hear. So I hope you are reading and understand that you are embarking on a journey that has the ability to end your marriage. And no one here knows nor do you the answer to that one.
I'd ask your husband a few question because what kills many relationships, even in non monogamy of any form, is broken agreements or boundaries. So far this hypothetical consists of if you each have sex with someone else, but how is this husband of yours, who has no waffled back and forth, likely to react when
(1) you want to progress from dating and sex to overnight stays.
(2) then to week ends away from him
(3) then to having your boyfriend over to your house while he is there
(4) to watching you get ready to go have sex with another man while he is struggling to connect.
(50 to you telling him that you will be spending 50% of your time with your boyfriend
Will all these things or any of them happen. Who knows, but quite likely some of them will on your end. Now, unfortunately, there are some here whose position will be that you state what you need, and then its entirely his responsibility to adjust, meditate, see a thera[pist, read books, but accept what you change the rules to after you decide what initially the agreements are. The point being, the more emotionally involved you get with someone, the less willing you will be to not have what you want. I hope you are thinking about all of this, as well as what are you going to do if he says after the hypothetical turns to reality that he is not happy and wants it to stop.???
Non-monogamous relationship, while different that monogamous ones in practice, are destroyed by broken trust, broken boundaries unless you decide anything goes, and a constant moving of the goalposts until one partner is way out of the comfort or acceptable zone.
The other piece of this is that it appears, and I may have misunderstood so I apologize, that you basically already had a guy you were interested in but who rejected the idea hooking up with you because he was not interested in poly. Now you claim that had no influence at all but i hope you have told your husband the truth about this other man, because it sounds like if he jumped at your offer, you would have been already ready to have sex with him./
My suggestion to you is that you take your hubby to a swingers club, and i will tell you why. If he is not comfortable and cannot deal with you in the same location, knowing you are having sex with another man at a place where he will also have the opportunity, then how do you really think he is going to react when he is watching the kids and you go out all dolled up right in front of him while he sits there at home.
I am giving you this advice as someone who like you, was the initiator of the opening the marriage talk. And while I did fuck up and cross a few boundaries once, I did not every two months tell my husband that I needed to expand and change the rules. He made it very clear that if I wanted to stay married as my primary and overriding goal, that there were certain things, not sex acts, that he would accept and that he would not accept. Any relationship I developed, and I had sex with over 30 men in two years, some multiple times, were measured by that when they started to want more than I was willing to give they were jettisoned. So set your goal and stick to it even if it is painful.
And lastly, you can read or talk to as many people as you want to, but understand as a female you are going to get many more opportunities to become intimate with other men than your husband will in all probability. If you doubt that both of you go out to bars or clubs or anywhere you want to and you both tell everyone who approaches you that you are married but in an open relationship and see how many men give a shit versus what the women tell your husband. Him "starting" first does not mean a damm thing unless you want to gauge your reaction, but thats not a good thougt process IF you are doing it so that when you are with someone else you are justified because he went first regardless of his feelings.
I think most responsible people will tell you the following
(1) opening a relationship is doomed unless both partners work at it and are for the most part on the same page and resolve conflict by compromise.
(2) there is totally honest communication
(3) there is a plan discussed for the things that can go wrong
(4) swinging is easier than poly because if the boudraies are kept, there are no third or more persons deepest emotions involved.
Again, no one here can navigate this journey for you, so I'd make sure you really have some deep thought with yourself as to how committed you are to make preserving your marriage the top priority versus meeting you non monogamy needs because unless you fall into blissful luck you will face some kind of decision on those issues if you make this discussion a reality.
Wow, sexyserb! I don't know how I missed this response, but now that I've read it, I need a drink and a pan of brownies! (But mostly the drink!)
I definitely appreciate your straight talk! If I'm honest, nothing you said here rings terribly off base and nothing you've said here is something I hadn't thought of, at least momentarily. I don't know that I've dwelled much on most of it though, so I'm grateful to have this here in black and white to read and re-read until I've processed this all as much as a person really can without actually just jumping in to the pool and sinking or swimming, so to speak.
I just posted an update -- we're now officially on this road, for better or for worse. I truly hope it's for better.
P.S. Your signature says you're back to being mono to preserve your marriage. Did you post about that decision here -- and if so, how do I find that? I'd love to hear more about why.