I'm in an Open-ish relationship and looking for advice on proceeding

Sume

New member
Hi all, i'm new to all this but I figured what the heck, might as well reach out to a community that can maybe help me put some stuff into perspective.

A quick history on myself; I've been in a monogamous relationship with another woman for the last 8 years, of which we've been married for 1. Prior to this I was in two other monogamous relationships, both with men, the first ending in a ball of fire and the second one lasting for just about 2 years and ended very amicably. I want to start off by saying I love my wife and i'm very happy with the life we've built, can't imagine not being with her whenever I try to picture myself 10 or 20 years down the road.

We've spoken on and off about being in a more open relationship for a few years now. We've had "dry" spells, sometimes lasting for 3-4 months, where we either just have zero desire for sex or are just not syncing up on when we want to. This in itself isn't usually a huge deal, we both understand that sometimes these things happen and we get through it. My wife likes to bring up open relationships more frequently around these dry spells, usually telling me how she wouldn't mind if I wanted to see others to satisfy my needs. She personally has expressed that she doesn't really think she'd want to be with others, as she's the sort who can't really get into sex unless there's a romantic bond involved. At first I was a bit reluctant with the idea but over the past few years our social circle has shifted and grown, and I've been revisiting the idea of being more open on a much more frequent basis.

My wife and I have come to the conclusion that we're open-ish, as she likes to call it. I've been given pretty much standing permission to make out with just about anyone I want to (I have yet to do this, which is why it gets the "ish" at the end), but anything more than that would require us talking first (seems very reasonable to me).

So I guess i'm looking for a little advice on how to proceed? I have my own hesitations about engaging in anything sexual with others (mostly because I've only been with one person in the last 8 years and oh god what if I'm a terrible kisser etc.) sort of stuff, but I don't want to cut myself off from doing things with others just because i'm nervous. I’m also not really sure how to bring this up to my friends, I know a few of them are in poly or more flexible relationships but I’m not sure how to broach the subject with them. So I guess another query is in all of this is: how do I bring up that I’m in an open-ish relationship without it sounding like I’m tossing myself at them?

Any advice or commentary is welcome.
 
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You aren't a horrible kisser, people just have different styles they prefer, and you have to find your people in that regard. As to the how to talk to your friends about this without hitting on them, ask them how they got into/started up their arrangements; then explain that you're trying to set up a similar deal.
 
Hello Sume,

There's no need to be in a hurry, just go out there and make some friends, let people know you're open-ish when it comes up in a conversation. In poly, things do get emotionally involved (romantic) before anything physical happens, so think about whether poly is something you want, or if you just want open. Keep posting as your situation evolves, so that we can give updated advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You aren't a horrible kisser, people just have different styles they prefer, and you have to find your people in that regard. As to the how to talk to your friends about this without hitting on them, ask them how they got into/started up their arrangements; then explain that you're trying to set up a similar deal.

Thanks Noyse, the kissing thing is just one of those minor paranoia moments I get from time to time. I just sort of feel odd asking them about there relationships, mostly because sometimes I wonder if I'm just misinterpreting things wrong. I see some of them making out with people who I know are not there primary partners from time to time, but usually just with the same few people, so I assume there in an open relationship of sorts, but at the same time I don't want to jump to a conclusion and then make things awkward. The couple people I do know for a fact that are in Poly relationships I'm hesitant to talk to because I know that at least one of them is interested in me, but I have no interest in them, so it feel sort of rude almost to ask them about it when I have no intention of returning there feelings.
 
Hello Sume,

There's no need to be in a hurry, just go out there and make some friends, let people know you're open-ish when it comes up in a conversation. In poly, things do get emotionally involved (romantic) before anything physical happens, so think about whether poly is something you want, or if you just want open. Keep posting as your situation evolves, so that we can give updated advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hi Kevin, I've been coming back to the emotional side of things over and over again in my head and I feel like I would probably veer more towards the poly aspect of things, because every time I think about being with someone else it's never just a one night stand sort of thing in my mind, there is usually dating on some level involved. I get nervous about that because while my wife says she's fine with me doing things and refers to herself as "not the jealous type" I find it difficult to believe that she wouldn't get jealous at all, and that's a huge restraining factor for me. The last thing I would want to do is hurt her.
 
In your situation I'd go for the people who appear to have an open arrangement, if you embarrass a cheater in the process, I don't see any fault on your part for assuming the best.
 
Hi Sume,

I don't blame you for worrying about how your wife might feel about it. I would keep the channels of communication open with her, so that you know what her emotional status is. It does sound like poly is the kind of nonmonogamy you would steer towards.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi all, i'm new to all this but I figured what the heck, might as well reach out to a community that can maybe help me put some stuff into perspective.

A quick history on myself; I've been in a monogamous relationship with another woman for the last 8 years, of which we've been married for 1. Prior to this I was in two other monogamous relationships, both with men, the first ending in a ball of fire and the second one lasting for just about 2 years and ended very amicably. I want to start off by saying I love my wife and i'm very happy with the life we've built, can't imagine not being with her whenever I try to picture myself 10 or 20 years down the road.

We've spoken on and off about being in a more open relationship for a few years now. We've had "dry" spells, sometimes lasting for 3-4 months, where we either just have zero desire for sex or are just not syncing up on when we want to. This in itself isn't usually a huge deal, we both understand that sometimes these things happen and we get through it. My wife likes to bring up open relationships more frequently around these dry spells, usually telling me how she wouldn't mind if I wanted to see others to satisfy my needs. She personally has expressed that she doesn't really think she'd want to be with others, as she's the sort who can't really get into sex unless there's a romantic bond involved. At first I was a bit reluctant with the idea but over the past few years our social circle has shifted and grown, and I've been revisiting the idea of being more open on a much more frequent basis.

My wife and I have come to the conclusion that we're open-ish, as she likes to call it. I've been given pretty much standing permission to make out with just about anyone I want to (I have yet to do this, which is why it gets the "ish" at the end), but anything more than that would require us talking first (seems very reasonable to me).

So I guess i'm looking for a little advice on how to proceed? I have my own hesitations about engaging in anything sexual with others (mostly because I've only been with one person in the last 8 years and oh god what if I'm a terrible kisser etc.) sort of stuff, but I don't want to cut myself off from doing things with others just because i'm nervous. I’m also not really sure how to bring this up to my friends, I know a few of them are in poly or more flexible relationships but I’m not sure how to broach the subject with them. So I guess another query is in all of this is: how do I bring up that I’m in an open-ish relationship without it sounding like I’m tossing myself at them?

Any advice or commentary is welcome.

Okay, since you asked, FWIW here's my advice: You're making the right move to seek out the opinions of others, but add to that some research of your own from a variety of independent sources and run it through some critical thinking filters so that you can approach the various lifestyles from a well informed and relatively objective position. Otherwise you run the risk of being misinformed and misled by those with their own self-serving opinions. There's a lot of that out there.
 
I’m also not really sure how to bring this up to my friends, I know a few of them are in poly or more flexible relationships but I’m not sure how to broach the subject with them. So I guess another query is in all of this is: how do I bring up that I’m in an open-ish relationship without it sounding like I’m tossing myself at them?

Any advice or commentary is welcome.

In my situation, I really just tell people. Most of my friends found out I was poly when I randomly started talking about my girlfriend one day. It's none of their business, but if I'm talking about it, they are welcome to join. What do your mating rituals have to do with personal friendship anyway.
 
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