My long distance gf just opened our relationship

Laybon

New member
Hi
Without going into too much detail.
I recently found out my gf of almost 2yrs is cheating on me and has cheated on me twice previously! She says she still loves me and doesn't want to lose me but she fell in love (it hurts to say it) with this new guy who, rather frustratingly, lives just around the corner from her in a big house with a pool!
My initial thoughts were to dump her and Run but we spoke about her non monogamy and we both realised she was just 'like that' and would be just 'like that' always with anyone. AND I'm totally in love with her. We decided to look into poly relationships. We read The Ethical Slut.
New guy is in denial and doesn't want to hear her talk about me. I've got all these feelings of jealously and insecurity and we have fought and cried to the point where we are both sick of talking about it. But I think I can make it work from my side if I can get over these feelings of possessiveness. I can't stop myself from asking her what she's getting up to and I'm worried that the lies will start again if she stops telling me. I can tell she's not telling me when she's due to see new guy again. This is a big problem.
I always knew (probably) that she was a horny slutty nympho and I was always turned on hearing her stories of ex boyfriends. This thing though is a whole new level of turned on-ness! We even spoke about her getting in touch with an old fuck buddy of hers. She's working away in Switzerland at the moment and we even bought some Condoms in case she wants to fucks someone!
I don't know if I can handle it all. Any advice?
Thanks for reading.
 
Greetings Laybon,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm afraid I don't have any significant advice for you. I think your heart is set on staying with your girlfriend, so, that's what you'll have to do. You can't change her and you can't choose her actions for her, so, you will have to choose your own actions. You might as well trust her; otherwise, what basis do you have for a relationship?

Hopefully Polyamory.com will be a good source of information for you. If you'll keep us posted on your situation, we might be able to think of more advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
It's not clear from your post if she's just into sex with others, or having an emotional attachment too.

You seem to be ok with the sex part. Not clear where you stand on the emotion. But that this other guy lives nearby and has assets/wealth that you currently have seems to be your main grievance. And that's a completely legitimate reaction; humankind has always experienced this type of inequality and will continue to do so for the forseeable future. It makes you wonder if "thou shalt not covet" was an attempt to get us to see our own stuff/life for the value that it has.

New guy doesn't sound like a particularly good partner for a poly setup, but then attraction doesn't discriminate like that. As Kevin said, you really do have to trust your gf that she will honour your relationship as she continues to meet other people. Be clear with her that she doesn't need to hide her dates with new guy, that it hinders rather than helps, and that this is as much about your personal growth as it is hers, and when you know about the visits you get the opportunity to work through your reactions.

kia kaha
Evie
 
Hey Evie
Thanks for your thoughts. I spoke with her tonight and she will tell me when she's with him. She is in love with him. They're in love with each other and it's brand new and exciting for them I'm sure. I'm not really jealous of his big car and pool. I'm jealous of her feelings for him. Of her time for him. And I can't yet understand how it's gonna work. We usually see each other every 3 wks or so. Everyone who knows her knows I'm her boyfriend. What's new guy's title gonna be? She isn't going to hide him away. He doesn't want that. It's her birthday in October and I would very much like to spend it with her. Trouble is, so would he.
She told me tonight that she wants to screw another new guy who's started at her work! She's already been flirting with him and gave him her number. They're meeting on Tuesday! I'm struggling to handle it all. It's crazy!
It's been a month since I found out about her extra curricular activities. We're both trying to be very adult about it. It hits me like a train everytime I re realise what's happening. I said I'm going to give it a really good try. I'm not sure I can handle it.
 
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Thanks Kevin. I appreciate your words.
Evie summed it up well when she said if I knew when she was with him/anyone them I'd know when to work through my emotions. I do trust her. Can have her secrets. It's lies that I won't put up with. I think she understands that.
 
Hey Evie
Thanks for your thoughts. I spoke with her tonight and she will tell me when she's with him. She is in love with him. They're in love with each other and it's brand new and exciting for them I'm sure. I'm not really jealous of his big car and pool. I'm jealous of her feelings for him. Of her time for him. And I can't yet understand how it's gonna work. We usually see each other every 3 wks or so. Everyone who knows her knows I'm her boyfriend. What's new guy's title gonna be? She isn't going to hide him away. He doesn't want that. It's her birthday in October and I would very much like to spend it with her. Trouble is, so would he.
She told me tonight that she wants to screw another new guy who's started at her work! She's already been flirting with him and gave him her number. They're meeting on Tuesday! I'm struggling to handle it all. It's crazy!
It's been a month since I found out about her extra curricular activities. We're both trying to be very adult about it. It hits me like a train everyone I re realise what's happening. I said I'm going to give it a really good try. I'm not sure I can handle it.

Sorry, I reread your original post and saw where I had missed the emotional parts. Watching your gf (etc.) fall in love with someone else is probably the hardest part for a lot of people who come here looking for support. How to deal with your own reactions to their zinging all over the place!

Right, with the birthday not far away it seems like it's time for her, as the hinge, to discuss with the both of you as to how you will all manage significant times like this. Because if she continues an actively poly lifestyle this will come up time and time again. This might be too much for him since you said he prefers DADT. So be prepared for a shit load more angst in the forthcoming months, because if he backs off, she'll grieve. And that'll be just as bad as watching her fall in love with him in the first place. And if it's not him, it could be someone else. So, she needs to begin to act like she knows that poly isn't just going on lots of dates, or falling in love, but about communication and interpersonal management. Being a hinge is a big responsibility to the wellbeing of her partners. Perhaps encourage her to read some more of the recommended literature as to how she can best achieve this.
 
Hey there Laybon.

Sounds like you're handling your feelings pretty well for the moment. How will you decide who gets to spend her birthday with her? or will she decide that?

A couple more good books/websites to look at are Opening Up and More than Two.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks both of you.
She's just bought more than 2. And she's ordered me a copy. Waiting for it to arrive. I'm not handling my feelings well all the time.
This hinge thing is interesting and I think you're right about her responsibilities. So listen to this dilemma:
She works in Switzerland in a family owned restaurant in the alps during the summer. Everyone knows each other in the village. It's not even big enough to call a village. I was there last year and apparently they are all asking about me. What a nice guy I am. Are we still together, etc. I'm due to visit her there in a month. We'll go walking and driving around the country. NEW GUY will visit her next week. Problem is, when she's there she lives at the restaurant with the family. She's gonna have to say that new guy is just a friend - I assume.
Then there's this date on Tuesday with her new colleague, who we'll call Chef (because he's a chef). Now, if she starts a sexual relationship with him, what's gonna happen when NEW GUY gets there next week? What's gonna happen when I get there in a month and I meet chef? Her employers might not like it one bit.
I know these are questions she should be asking herself but I'm worried about her well being. I said I'm worried I can't handle it. But I'm also worried no one else can handle it either and she's not considering the consequences of her actions. What are get employers (the family) gonna do if they realise what's been happening? This has all just occurred to me since we spoke earlier.
The whole thing's a mess.
 
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These to me are matters you'll need to discuss with her. Will you get a chance to talk with her before the "New Guy" comes to visit her? The family she's living with, are they open-minded and would they be tolerant?
 
I'm not sure if the family are open minded or not. She already told me that they aren't happy about her having 'friends' staying.
Yes I can talk with her before. I could call her tomorrow but I'm trying to give get some space for her to figure things out. We've discussed things to death over the last few weeks and I don't want it to be the sole topic of conversation every time we speak. I want her to remember that she LIKES me!
I need to talk this situation through with her.
 
It won't make sense to everyone. You know that.

I'm having a hard time dealing with it emotionally. That's before we even start to deal with the practicalities.
 
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Sounds like she's being a little reckless?
 
The thing about unmarried people being worried about being seen to have multiple boyfriends sometimes confuses me. In the history of dating it was always common to have multiple people one dated before "settling down". This is why the Beach Boys sang about not "leaving your best girl home on a Saturday night". One had multiple people one would go out on dates with on a regular basis but one of them might be your "best". Not all social scenes kept this but surely it is not an alien concept? Yet this concern comes up over and over on polyamory sites. If it is a question of the social circle disapproving of multiple sexual relationships, how does the social circle come know the relationships are sexual? It is none of their business. Have I missed some big societal change?
 
Hey Leetah
Thanks for your reply
I suppose that the family in question here assume she's monogamous. We're very new to polyamory. She's only just decided that the polyamorous title fits her.
Yes ok, she doesn't have to tell them that they're sexual relationships but people do talk. I hope so much that her employers don't disapprove of her new lifestyle and fall out with her.
I was hoping for some advice that I could pass to her. Maybe she is being too reckless with this new-found freedom of hers. We haven't figured out how it all works yet, who to tell, who not too tell, what do we say to people?
 
Perhaps you say that you are nonmonogamous? if and when you need to say anything about it ...

It's up to you who you tell and when. Some people (me included) just stay in the closet. As for advice to give your girlfriend, the main thing I would suggest is that she slllooow it down.
 
Cheers Kevin.
I took onboard what you said and today I asked her to slow it down a little. I Can't tell whether she agreed or not. She's got access to some really good friends where she is and hopefully they've given her the same advice. As it stands though she is meeting chef tomorrow for a date. She'll tell him about me and new guy. She still doesn't know what to keep secret from whom. I think she's bitten off more than she can chew.
The jealousy had been kickin in me all day. I won't find out what happened until Wednesday. That means tomorrow my head will be wrecked with wondering and worrying.
Not good.
 
I should clarify what I said earlier: Your girlfriend has three partners, so all three should be informed about each other, so that the arrangement can be completely consensual.

As for jealousy, I have some links that may help:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

Jealousy and Insecurity
The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

Hang in there!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
That's good. I'm happy to help. ;)
 
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