As I've mentioned in other posts, I've recently moved in with my partner, Joe. The transition was sudden and rocky (finding a place happened much sooner than anticipated), but things have started to settle in to a decent routine and we seem to do well living together. The thing neither of us knew what to expect was how altered that moving in together would make the poly dynamic.
Previously, we lived about an hour from each other, and saw each other at least two days a week. (Except when his school semester was horrible, like this past spring- then it was sometimes just 1 night a week.). Sue, his other partner, lived 1.5 hours from him and spent the same amount of time. We each had regular days, as with the distance it just helped with scheduling, although there was flexibility. We were considered "equals", and we never used the terms primary or secondary. Since we live separately, the time he spent with her was essentially the same as time he was by himself for me- either way, it was time I was at my own house, doing my own thing. It took nothing from my routine. I could miss him to varying degrees, but it really didn't alter my life.
Things have definitely changed since we moved in. The first three weeks were rocky- particularly because Sue (understandably!) was having a very hard time with it and (not as understandably) threw many fits. (Due to a continuous pattern of negative behavior, Sue is not welcome to come to my home yet, especially while we are still stressed and settling in. I don't think it would be helpful for ANY of us!) She decided that this now makes me the primary and her the secondary- he tried to minimize that thinking and spent a lot of time with her during those first three weeks. He then left for a two week trip- and apparantly during that time, the primary/secondary thing actually became a thing. He now sees her so little, that there's no pattern to it. He just left to go see her for the first time in 3 weeks (which is especially ridiculous when considering we now live 20 minutes from her). I honestly feel very sympathetic for her, as I'm sure that she is hurting pretty bad emotionally right now- I've tried to be as kind as possible, while still maintaining my boundaries with her. Problem is- that sympathy makes me feel like an asshole when I have a hard time with him leaving to go see her!
For me, it's MUCH harder to live with my partner and have him leave me to go be with his other partner- especially when it's completely random. I spend all week wondering when he will go. It makes it feel like his polyness is taking away from my life and my routine, unlike before. And yes- I do self care,and make time with friends, and do hobbies, and I'm sure it will get easier over time- but right now, it's this new thing that I'm processing, and it brings up mega abandonment issues, and it HURTS. And normally, when living separately, I could process the hurtful stuff alone, in my space, on my terms, before having to put on a more public face and discuss like a rational person with him. A lot of my issue right now is that I don't have that space- he has to see me processing and hurting, and while he is wonderful and supportive and responsive, I feel guilty when he has to witness just how difficult it is for me. I know what I signed up for, I'm being treated well, and I know that what is upsetting me about it are genuinely MY issues, so it makes me feel manipulative (or that I will at least come off that way to him) if I'm noticeably upset about it around him. I don't want to emotionally guilt trip him, but I do need to process, and unfortunately he has to see it far more than he did when living separately. (Which is a new thing for him to process as well- his live in partner's pain. That has it's own level of guilt already!)
Any tips on how to handle this transition better? Right now, I keep busy, and I'm gentle with myself, and when I need to lose it, I lose it very, very quietly if he's around. Sometimes I choose to leave the house before he leaves, so he's not leaving me, which helps a bit. (Gives me a bit of control, I suppose.). I try to feel happy for her that she is getting his attention. I try to talk about what is specifically hard and what I need reassurance wise- for instance, him letting me know that my being sad is okay, and that I don't have a reason to feel guilty. But I still feel like an asshole that I can't just be cool about things, especially because she is seeing so little of him- I feel like a selfish jerk! That's not who I want to be! How do I not feel like that? How do I not act like that?
Previously, we lived about an hour from each other, and saw each other at least two days a week. (Except when his school semester was horrible, like this past spring- then it was sometimes just 1 night a week.). Sue, his other partner, lived 1.5 hours from him and spent the same amount of time. We each had regular days, as with the distance it just helped with scheduling, although there was flexibility. We were considered "equals", and we never used the terms primary or secondary. Since we live separately, the time he spent with her was essentially the same as time he was by himself for me- either way, it was time I was at my own house, doing my own thing. It took nothing from my routine. I could miss him to varying degrees, but it really didn't alter my life.
Things have definitely changed since we moved in. The first three weeks were rocky- particularly because Sue (understandably!) was having a very hard time with it and (not as understandably) threw many fits. (Due to a continuous pattern of negative behavior, Sue is not welcome to come to my home yet, especially while we are still stressed and settling in. I don't think it would be helpful for ANY of us!) She decided that this now makes me the primary and her the secondary- he tried to minimize that thinking and spent a lot of time with her during those first three weeks. He then left for a two week trip- and apparantly during that time, the primary/secondary thing actually became a thing. He now sees her so little, that there's no pattern to it. He just left to go see her for the first time in 3 weeks (which is especially ridiculous when considering we now live 20 minutes from her). I honestly feel very sympathetic for her, as I'm sure that she is hurting pretty bad emotionally right now- I've tried to be as kind as possible, while still maintaining my boundaries with her. Problem is- that sympathy makes me feel like an asshole when I have a hard time with him leaving to go see her!
For me, it's MUCH harder to live with my partner and have him leave me to go be with his other partner- especially when it's completely random. I spend all week wondering when he will go. It makes it feel like his polyness is taking away from my life and my routine, unlike before. And yes- I do self care,and make time with friends, and do hobbies, and I'm sure it will get easier over time- but right now, it's this new thing that I'm processing, and it brings up mega abandonment issues, and it HURTS. And normally, when living separately, I could process the hurtful stuff alone, in my space, on my terms, before having to put on a more public face and discuss like a rational person with him. A lot of my issue right now is that I don't have that space- he has to see me processing and hurting, and while he is wonderful and supportive and responsive, I feel guilty when he has to witness just how difficult it is for me. I know what I signed up for, I'm being treated well, and I know that what is upsetting me about it are genuinely MY issues, so it makes me feel manipulative (or that I will at least come off that way to him) if I'm noticeably upset about it around him. I don't want to emotionally guilt trip him, but I do need to process, and unfortunately he has to see it far more than he did when living separately. (Which is a new thing for him to process as well- his live in partner's pain. That has it's own level of guilt already!)
Any tips on how to handle this transition better? Right now, I keep busy, and I'm gentle with myself, and when I need to lose it, I lose it very, very quietly if he's around. Sometimes I choose to leave the house before he leaves, so he's not leaving me, which helps a bit. (Gives me a bit of control, I suppose.). I try to feel happy for her that she is getting his attention. I try to talk about what is specifically hard and what I need reassurance wise- for instance, him letting me know that my being sad is okay, and that I don't have a reason to feel guilty. But I still feel like an asshole that I can't just be cool about things, especially because she is seeing so little of him- I feel like a selfish jerk! That's not who I want to be! How do I not feel like that? How do I not act like that?