How to not be manipulative while processing?

Tigergirl

New member
As I've mentioned in other posts, I've recently moved in with my partner, Joe. The transition was sudden and rocky (finding a place happened much sooner than anticipated), but things have started to settle in to a decent routine and we seem to do well living together. The thing neither of us knew what to expect was how altered that moving in together would make the poly dynamic.

Previously, we lived about an hour from each other, and saw each other at least two days a week. (Except when his school semester was horrible, like this past spring- then it was sometimes just 1 night a week.). Sue, his other partner, lived 1.5 hours from him and spent the same amount of time. We each had regular days, as with the distance it just helped with scheduling, although there was flexibility. We were considered "equals", and we never used the terms primary or secondary. Since we live separately, the time he spent with her was essentially the same as time he was by himself for me- either way, it was time I was at my own house, doing my own thing. It took nothing from my routine. I could miss him to varying degrees, but it really didn't alter my life.

Things have definitely changed since we moved in. The first three weeks were rocky- particularly because Sue (understandably!) was having a very hard time with it and (not as understandably) threw many fits. (Due to a continuous pattern of negative behavior, Sue is not welcome to come to my home yet, especially while we are still stressed and settling in. I don't think it would be helpful for ANY of us!) She decided that this now makes me the primary and her the secondary- he tried to minimize that thinking and spent a lot of time with her during those first three weeks. He then left for a two week trip- and apparantly during that time, the primary/secondary thing actually became a thing. He now sees her so little, that there's no pattern to it. He just left to go see her for the first time in 3 weeks (which is especially ridiculous when considering we now live 20 minutes from her). I honestly feel very sympathetic for her, as I'm sure that she is hurting pretty bad emotionally right now- I've tried to be as kind as possible, while still maintaining my boundaries with her. Problem is- that sympathy makes me feel like an asshole when I have a hard time with him leaving to go see her!

For me, it's MUCH harder to live with my partner and have him leave me to go be with his other partner- especially when it's completely random. I spend all week wondering when he will go. It makes it feel like his polyness is taking away from my life and my routine, unlike before. And yes- I do self care,and make time with friends, and do hobbies, and I'm sure it will get easier over time- but right now, it's this new thing that I'm processing, and it brings up mega abandonment issues, and it HURTS. And normally, when living separately, I could process the hurtful stuff alone, in my space, on my terms, before having to put on a more public face and discuss like a rational person with him. A lot of my issue right now is that I don't have that space- he has to see me processing and hurting, and while he is wonderful and supportive and responsive, I feel guilty when he has to witness just how difficult it is for me. I know what I signed up for, I'm being treated well, and I know that what is upsetting me about it are genuinely MY issues, so it makes me feel manipulative (or that I will at least come off that way to him) if I'm noticeably upset about it around him. I don't want to emotionally guilt trip him, but I do need to process, and unfortunately he has to see it far more than he did when living separately. (Which is a new thing for him to process as well- his live in partner's pain. That has it's own level of guilt already!)

Any tips on how to handle this transition better? Right now, I keep busy, and I'm gentle with myself, and when I need to lose it, I lose it very, very quietly if he's around. Sometimes I choose to leave the house before he leaves, so he's not leaving me, which helps a bit. (Gives me a bit of control, I suppose.). I try to feel happy for her that she is getting his attention. I try to talk about what is specifically hard and what I need reassurance wise- for instance, him letting me know that my being sad is okay, and that I don't have a reason to feel guilty. But I still feel like an asshole that I can't just be cool about things, especially because she is seeing so little of him- I feel like a selfish jerk! That's not who I want to be! How do I not feel like that? How do I not act like that?
 
I think you deserve some self-compassion here right off the bat. Any big changes are always hard, and you seem to be going about it in the healthiest way possible. It is completely understandable that this would be hard for you. Your caring towards your metamour is admirable, but I think it's on Joe to figure out how to reassure her. And I can understand why your metamour feels secondary - this is a big shift for her, and especially not being able to spend time at your and Joe's place (though it seems like you have strong reasons) might skew things. Not that I'm saying that needs to change - that's on her and Joe.

One thing that I think would be hard on me in your situation is the uncertainy of when he leaves to see her. I personally don't do well when things aren't planned out - puts me on edge too much. I wonder if Joe would be willing to schedule nights with you and her, much as he did before. Consistency would allow you to plan things in advance (self care, friends) without last minute arrangements. You are already dealing with so much change, just as she is, just as Joe is, perhaps getting back to the way things were in that way would introduce some more stability.

I suspect that time will greatly improve things, at least regarding your difficulties with Joe leaving, so definitely give yourself some compassion during this hard time.

Take care!
 
One thing we learned really fast was that spontaneous opportunities are pretty much limited to when one of us is out of town or otherwise unavailable.
In terms of our day to day lives-we plan our date times with other people. We don't "suddenly" decide to go see another partner.

So for example; If I'm in class-he may go see someone spontaneously or if he's at work I may. But if we are both home-we don't break the "schedule" of date times.

When we first started out we tried to do the spontaneous thing and it erupted into a holy disaster. Both with people coming to our home and making it uncomfortable & one or another of us leaving unexpectedly and that creating a wealth of other emotional issues to clean up later.

Now we have a schedule-we try to stick to it as much as possible. If things need changed we work to make changes. But we don't run off and go do things without making plans in advance unless we are already planning to not be together during that time anyway.
 
We also stick to a schedule. Nate can see anyone when im at work, school, or with sam but if im home then that is our time. Sat and tue are nate's nights for dates and I wouldn't take those away from him even if im home unless we made plans in advance for something.
 
I worry I'm going to feel similarly to this when my partner and I move in together next month. Particularly when he goes to visit the partner of his that I am not particularly fond of.
Just expressing sympathy. I hope it gets easier.
 
My partner lived with his Other. But he spent equal time with both of us (due to our traveling together) It looks like their relationship isn't very significant.
 
I can certainly identify and sympathize with your jealousy and hurt. My wife and I have been together 14 years, married 12 years, and only recently has she embraced her polyamory. I think I have always known it has been there, and I've always been very encouraging and supportive, but I feel the same way when she goes to see her boyfriend. Due to his schedule, he is very unavailable, so when he suddenly becomes available, she is out the door in a flash. Most of the time I am simply able to focus on the fact that she is going out to have a good time with someone she loves and cares for. She always tells me what happened, I enjoy hearing about it, and it brings us closer together as a couple seeing her falling in love with someone else. It reminds me of when we were dating and falling in love, and this time I am able to see it from a different perspective. But with all that, I still feel jealous. I am reading "The ethical slut" which has been a very enlightening an eye-opening book. I am also seeing a poly-friendly therapist, and the more people I talk to about this, the more I am surprised at just how many people follow this lifestyle. I have my bad moments, when I focus on the negative, and it gets the better of me. But for me, the important thing is to keep moving forward. Allow myself to feel jealous, acknowledge my feelings, express my feelings, but not allow my feelings to dictate what I do, or how I react. It is a learning process, a long and difficult one, but one worth completing. For at the end of this process, everyone will get what they want desire and need without any of the guilt shame and jealousy that comes along with it.

For me, when I'm feeling jealous that my wife is out with her boyfriend, I practice self-loving (in the shower, use your imagination :)) I get out of the house, do something with the kids, work on school work, or a hobby. In the past I have e-mailed my wife and her boyfriend to tell them how I feel, and that has created more problems, so I wouldn't recommend that. I don't avoid my feelings, and I don't keep them from my wife, but I think from now on I am going to try and process them as best as I can, and then talk with her about how I was feeling after she has returned from her "date"

Instead of seeing the spontaneity as disruptive to your life, instead, maybe try to see how the spontaneity is good for your partner. Remember when everything was new, sex wasn't planned, it just happened by surprise?

Nice to meet you, I wish you the best.
 
Scheduling would certainly help. Put the whole power-dynamic thing aside while the three of you work this out -- each figuring out your needs and boundaries and taking it from there. All three of you together; no middleman relaying (and reshaping) messages back and forth.

"Boundaries" means specific, bottom-line things about *you yourself,* each of you, that you each need in order to stay in the relationship. Not things that the other people "ought to do"; things that you personally need. Understand the difference.

Be skeptical about setting rules, as opposed to schedules and procedures. If you each want the relationship to keep going, each of you will each have the goodwill to respect each others' stated boundaries and to help meet the others' needs, using their own best judgment. If someone isn't committed enough to do this, they're certainly not committed enough to follow rules.

I sense some reality-denial and word manipulation going on. When you two moved in together, of course you became primary figures in each other's lives -- in terms of time and attention if nothing else. Sue felt the big new imbalance, which was real. Pretending nothing changed sounds like bullshitting, and no one feels good being bullshitted.

Could I recommend Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert's book More Than Two? If just for the chapters relevant to this kind of situation?

Alan M.
 
...Pretending nothing changed sounds like bullshitting, and no one feels good being bullshitted.

Could I recommend Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert's book More Than Two? If just for the chapters relevant to this kind of situation?

Alan M.


Agreed, and seconded.
 
Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate it. Until I wrote it down and saw the replies, I hadn't realized how much the erratic scheduling was an issue for me. I wouldn't have a problem with him seeing her an equal amount of time as he sees me- I just need a clearer schedule and better communication about that schedule. So, that's a real issue that I can address with him.

@Alan7388 I totally get what you're saying RE word manipulation, but truthfully, I don't know what discussions have happened between them regarding how they are currently defining their relationship. For the past 2.5 years, we have both been told that we are on equal footing with him, and we have been treated as such. For whatever reasons, he has chosen to move in with me and plan certain life aspects- it could have just as easily been her, although both him and I want futures that include marriage and children with a partner, and she has always said she wants neither. I know that I've been operating this whole time as if that equality is still the status quo, despite knowing that she has publicly started referring to herself as a secondary. I've personally never been comfortable with the terms primary and secondary as I feel that they immediately seem to arbitrarily define relationships, and I don't like the idea of somebody constantly made to feel like they're a runner up (even if I'm supposedly in the "first place" primary position). I completely understand Sue's feelings, and would feel similarly in her place. I have nothing but sympathy for her position, and have done my best to facilitate them spending time together. I absolutely put no rules on her or their relationship, aside from maintaining my boundary that until things settle down that I am not comfortable with her in my home, and I don't put rules on him or our relationship, other than asking for him to let me know if he is planning on spending time with her so I can plan my schedule accordingly. Right now, what I do know is that for the first month we lived together, he spent every weekend with her, as well as several week nights. That is MORE time with him she would normally spend (and as far as actual waking hours go, more time than I had with him). He did this to try to show her that their relationship was still as meaningful as ever to him- but I think right now, it's about her processing this change and her being in a place where she sees me as "winning" and herself as "losing". For all I can function thinking of us as equals, and he can try to reassure her, those feelings are hers to own. Their relationship is THEIR responsibility- my responsibility in my relationship at this time is focusing on figuring out what I need for things to work on this end of things, so that I can continue being a good partner to him and to attempt to be a considerate metamour to her.
 
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