First Loss & Heartbroken

We are a married couple of 12 years and about 2 years ago we began to play around with the idea of a casual threesome. Fast forward to present day, we have had our experience and began reading more and more about polyamory. Our special friend, "Charlie", was an amazing lover and a very nice man, one whom my husband and I began envisioning many different relationship possibilities. I feel foolish for two reasons: 1: because we knew in the beginning that this was a casual hookup and made it clear to him that he was free to explore and find other people and 2: it has only been 1 month and we've already had such a strong attachment to him. We never let him know any of these fantasies because we felt it was unfair to spring that on him. He was very conscientious and honest with us about his new love affair and has expressed sadness that our encounters have to stop. What surprised me the most is how fucking heartbroken we BOTH are about losing him.

We three agreed to meet one last time and had a wonderful evening on Friday. However we've spent the better part of yesterday grieving and I fear that one day just isn't enough to help process through the emotions. I also feel that it's too late to be honest with him about our hopes of a more serious relationship with him because now his focus is on this other person. Personally, I'm feeling quite bereft and am struggling to do everyday, normal tasks, and I fear that, although it is very intriguing and feels "right", polyamory may not be for me.
 
There's something extra heartbreaking about losing someone you're crazy about before it ever takes off. You're still caught up in a lot of fantasy and it seems like there's so much possibility. Keep in mind, one month is not long. You really didn't know this man, he was still only showing you his good side.

So Charlie found a lover who demands monogamy of him and now he has to stop seeing you? Bummer. I guess Charlie is generally monogamous and he was just experimenting/playing?

The obvious solution to your problem is to admit that you want more than a casual hook up. Start looking for someone capable of the kind of relationship you want. If you went into this thing with Charlie saying it's just sexy N.S.A. fun, and that's all you got out of it, you've no one to blame. It certainly isn't any kind of flaw with polyamory in general that has caused you pain. You took what was supposed to be a casual hook up with a monogamous guy then turned it into something else in your mind without checking in with him.

You have to remember, this isn't just about what you and your husband wants. When you take a third person into the bedroom, their wants, needs, desires, relationship style, etc., have to be accommodated. Lots of couples try to find a "unicorn" (someone who will be with only you and your partner and no one else, will love you both equally, allows the couple to be together though s/he can't be with either member of the couple alone, etc.) Generally, these relationships suck for the third party. It is unrealistic to ask someone to be only with you and your husband. Maybe down the road you could close the triad, but not one month in, no way. Not sure if that's what you did or if he ended things. Either way, break ups suck and are painful, monogamous, polyamorous, whatever.
 
Thank You Love Bunny

You've hit the nail right on the head multiple times in your response. I hadn't even noticed I was creating fantasies the involved us being more than FWB until he was no longer an option. We did discuss relationships and he had told us he wasn't looking for a relationship and was really enjoying single life, so of course I ignored that life is funny and things change and I got caught up in him. I'm feeling much better today than yesterday, however it's been a long time since I've felt this level of grief; it really surprised me.
 
Re (from thedevotedcouple):
"I fear that one day just isn't enough to help process through the emotions."

One day? I should say not. I guess it depends on how attached you were to the guy, but I was thinking less in terms of days, and more in terms of months. Breaking up is harsh stuff.

Take some time to explore our site, and don't try to rush anything. Give yourself some time to decide if poly is right for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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