AnimatedArtist12
New member
To make this more of a shorter story I will keep it to the basic facts of this situation: I have been with my partner for almost 5 years now but have been swinging for almost 4. Just recently, we have been talking about separate adventures. He was going away for a few days and we both decided that it might be a good idea to try for me going off on my own while he was gone.
I ended up meeting with someone and truth be told, it was fun. I enjoyed it but couldn't help but feel as though it was wrong. After telling my partner about it, he was very upset and threatened to leave me... Saying some very mean things but well within his right. I was supposed to communicate with him everything, when I was going, as it was happening, sending live updates (pictures/videos) but I did none of it... This is why he was so upset. I don't know why but I thought it would be good idea to make it a surprise and send him the media. I realize this was not the right way to go about this.
Since he was away on a trip, we didn't see each other for 4 days. Over that time, I apologized, he apologized but still very hurt. Since we've been living together and built a life together, we are both very open and sexual beings. Even though he was mad at me, he was still turned on by the thought of another man taking me. For a while, he went back and forth between being turned on and hurt.
He was mostly upset due to the lack of communication and who the person actually was. He told me he was concerned for my safety but he knew what type of person he was (all about conquest and only wanted to "have me" when convenient to him. Wanting to use me...) the person I saw was also someone who I have been with in the past, years before I met my partner. I believe he is upset because of that too. I expressed to him that there were no emotional connections and that it was STRICTLY sexual. I got what I wanted out of him and left. Nothing more, nothing less.
The day he came back, he was being very passive aggressive. We are generally a very kinky couple but he was being more possessive with what he wanted from me. I did everything that he asked so I wouldn't upset him any further. He had requests from me before coming home. Once he did, he took my phone and started to read through my conversations. We allow each other to openly read through our phones regardless of this situation.
Since I "wanted" to be a "slut" he was degrading me and pushing me to my limits. He made me beg to have him and wouldn't let me near him until I proved to him that I deserved him. I felt like a piece of property but I know I deserved it. Every time I looked at him, I could see the pain in his eyes. I hurt me, SO much, knowing that I was the cause of his pain. It was heartbreaking.
Throughout the whole intimate session, he forced me into submission. Every time I tried to be more "loving", he flipped the switch and became aggressive. We generally have rough sex but this was different. He was trying to prove a point. That I knew.
Obviously our bodies can't lie, we both enjoyed what was happening. After he finished, he told me he had fun but I still wasn't off the hook for what I did. He told me to wash up and get ready for bed. I was pleased to hear this because the night it happened, he told me to never expect him to sleep in the same bed as me again... I crawled into bed and kept my distance but still was close enough to have him within my touch.
This morning before he left for work, he gave me a hug and told me he would see me tonight. I wasn't expecting it but he kissed me and said good bye. It is our normal routine to hug/kiss each other each morning. It was the most meaningful kiss to me since he actually allowed it.
Even though he is talking with me and actually slept with me, I'm afraid of what is going to happen now. I know the dynamic of our relationship is going to be different and that he might never trust me again but I am hopeful. I am looking for advice how to process all of this and moving forward from it. I don't want to become "clingy" and I don't want to create too much distance either.
I don't necessarily believe I cheated but I know what I did was wrong since I didn't communicate and follow his directions. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
I ended up meeting with someone and truth be told, it was fun. I enjoyed it but couldn't help but feel as though it was wrong. After telling my partner about it, he was very upset and threatened to leave me... Saying some very mean things but well within his right. I was supposed to communicate with him everything, when I was going, as it was happening, sending live updates (pictures/videos) but I did none of it... This is why he was so upset. I don't know why but I thought it would be good idea to make it a surprise and send him the media. I realize this was not the right way to go about this.
Since he was away on a trip, we didn't see each other for 4 days. Over that time, I apologized, he apologized but still very hurt. Since we've been living together and built a life together, we are both very open and sexual beings. Even though he was mad at me, he was still turned on by the thought of another man taking me. For a while, he went back and forth between being turned on and hurt.
He was mostly upset due to the lack of communication and who the person actually was. He told me he was concerned for my safety but he knew what type of person he was (all about conquest and only wanted to "have me" when convenient to him. Wanting to use me...) the person I saw was also someone who I have been with in the past, years before I met my partner. I believe he is upset because of that too. I expressed to him that there were no emotional connections and that it was STRICTLY sexual. I got what I wanted out of him and left. Nothing more, nothing less.
The day he came back, he was being very passive aggressive. We are generally a very kinky couple but he was being more possessive with what he wanted from me. I did everything that he asked so I wouldn't upset him any further. He had requests from me before coming home. Once he did, he took my phone and started to read through my conversations. We allow each other to openly read through our phones regardless of this situation.
Since I "wanted" to be a "slut" he was degrading me and pushing me to my limits. He made me beg to have him and wouldn't let me near him until I proved to him that I deserved him. I felt like a piece of property but I know I deserved it. Every time I looked at him, I could see the pain in his eyes. I hurt me, SO much, knowing that I was the cause of his pain. It was heartbreaking.
Throughout the whole intimate session, he forced me into submission. Every time I tried to be more "loving", he flipped the switch and became aggressive. We generally have rough sex but this was different. He was trying to prove a point. That I knew.
Obviously our bodies can't lie, we both enjoyed what was happening. After he finished, he told me he had fun but I still wasn't off the hook for what I did. He told me to wash up and get ready for bed. I was pleased to hear this because the night it happened, he told me to never expect him to sleep in the same bed as me again... I crawled into bed and kept my distance but still was close enough to have him within my touch.
This morning before he left for work, he gave me a hug and told me he would see me tonight. I wasn't expecting it but he kissed me and said good bye. It is our normal routine to hug/kiss each other each morning. It was the most meaningful kiss to me since he actually allowed it.
Even though he is talking with me and actually slept with me, I'm afraid of what is going to happen now. I know the dynamic of our relationship is going to be different and that he might never trust me again but I am hopeful. I am looking for advice how to process all of this and moving forward from it. I don't want to become "clingy" and I don't want to create too much distance either.
I don't necessarily believe I cheated but I know what I did was wrong since I didn't communicate and follow his directions. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.