Need advice to get over the fact that my girlfriend got an ex boyfriend

JCVD

New member
Hi, sorry for my bad english in advance.

I’m with my girlfriend since 6 month, we know each other since we are in middle school. After that she go in another school and in an other high school in the same town.

We are now both 20 years old, we started to speak together after all these years via facebook and we date some days after, she told me that she had 1 boyfriend during her last year of high school and it lasted 6 month, she lost her virginity with him and i appreciate a lot her honesty.

Now we love each other a lot, I see all my futur with her and for no reason i can break up, that’s the same for her.
At first the fact that she was no more virgin didn’t bother me at all ( I do not care if a girl is a virgin or non virgin ).

But the problem is that 3 month after we started this relationship i really fell in love with her and started thinking about her doing her first time with her ex boyfriend and a lot of more bad things. I was thinking that it’ll go outside my head with time ( i tried to no give matter to it ), but the fact is that the days passed and i was thinking more and more about it, i kept everything for me after 1 month of struggle i’ve decided to tell her what was going on.

I told her that i was thinking about all this and that it was bothered me since 1 month.
She answered me that she regret to have done her first time and to have be with him and that she is very sad about it, she didn’t know why she did this ( I think it’s because like a lot of people now she wanted to lose her virginity as soon as possible,specially at 20 years old and i understand this ).

It was during her last year in high school and he was in her class, she told me this is the thing that she regret the most in her life and if she could go back in times she would only change this, she told me that she was just attached to him and that she saw him only during class, that she slept only around 10 times with him and after 6 month he left her she said that she didn’t think about him one time since she is with me, that he is an and that she have forgot him with no difficulty ( I’m aware that i’m young, that it’s all my problem and that it’s all in my mind, and certainly not her problem ).

She said that she discovered the real love with me and that she love me more than everythings.
After this conversation i didn’t speak again about it with her because i don’t want, some days after, i spoke with her mom about this ( i know her since 10 years ) and she told me that my girlfriend wanted to see me and date me for years and that she was speaking about me everytimes, that i was in her mind everytime and that she never thought being with me one day.

The last thing i regret the most is that i come 6 months to late because she wouldn’t met this guy.( and i know that 100% of people in this world regret things in their life and that the majority would preserve himself/herself for the love of their life ).
I’m aware that there are a lot of worst thing in this world and i do my best everydays to get over it but i can’t and it’s hurting me everytime i think about it, and trust me i think a lot about this. I feel like i’m blocked because i can’t leave her but i can’t go back in time to change that, the only thing i can do is to accept it but i don’t even know if it’s possible
Is there any people who had nearly the same problem ?

How can i work on myself to accept this and stop hurting me with these thoughts ?

Thank to everybody who have read this and who try to help me and sorry again for this bad english.
 
If you really can't see her as anything other than damaged goods then do her a favour and break up now. Let her find a relationship with someone who loves her as a person rather than as a broken ornament.
 
If you really can't see her as anything other than damaged goods then do her a favour and break up now. Let her find a relationship with someone who loves her as a person rather than as a broken ornament.

Thank for your reply,
I don't see her like a "broken ornament", i love her from all my heart and i respect her a lot, I've never judge her and I'll never, I understand that everybody have a past.
I would do anything for her and I can't leave her I just need advice to stop thinking about this.
Thank you.
 
Clearly you do judge her. If you didn't think her behaviour was wrong why would you have so much trouble with thinking about it?
 
I understand that it's my problem, that it's her past and that's she is free about her action ( even if she regret it ).

I just think that this is very regrettable
 
So, neither of you are virgins, but only her loss of virginity is to be regretted? Why is that?

I think if you really are having trouble getting over the thought, then you need to see a counsellor who can help you change the way you're looking at it. Strangers on the internet are no substitute for professional help.

Edit: Your question makes as much sense to me as "how do I stop thinking about my girlfriend eating pasta?" I'd suggest that you try to realise that it's not worth thinking about because it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

started thinking about her doing her first time with her ex boyfriend and a lot of more bad things.

What are the other bad things? What are you afraid of?

I’m aware that there are a lot of worst thing in this world and i do my best everydays to get over it but i can’t and it’s hurting me everytime i think about it,

Then you have to stop thinking about it so much. Because overthinking it is upsetting you.

How can i work on myself to accept this and stop hurting me with these thoughts?

You may have to change a belief. Instead of believing the most important thing is "being someone's first lover" -- you could decide it is more important to "treat my dating partner well."

Teens/young adults often wonder about sex and put a lot of emphasis on "the first time." But really? SOMEONE has to be first. Hopefully it is pleasant enough, but that partner may not be the right dating partner for a long term relationship. The ones that last.... LAST!

Sounds like her exBF was not a long term relationship partner. It was just 6 mos. She's no longer interested in him. She's interested in you.

Is she the right partner for you? Sounds like you think so.

Are you treating her well? No. You are not present.

If you are off inside your head all the time having a relationship with her ex-BF like some mental competition? She may eventually get bored with dating a "ghost" that isn't really here. Be PRESENT with her in actual life. Not be present with her exBF up in your head. Don't be a ghost.

You cannot help who was her first. You CAN help if you are present. You CAN help if you treat her well or not.

She was your first. And that is fine. She might be one of the ones that last. Or she might not be. That's what the dating time is FOR. To discover these things.
You could focus on being HERE with her discovering if (you + her) are a good match together that can last.

You could NOT focus on who was her first lover in the PAST. That did not last... so why spend time and energy on that?
  • She stopped spending energy on that.
  • The ex BF also stopped putting energy into that.

So why are you putting energy into it?

Put the energy into the relationship you want to last. Your relationship with her. Not your relationship with her exBF in your head.

If you need more help, you could seek a counselor.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you for your reply,
The worst thing that is hurting me more is that i came 6 month to late
she wouldn't met this guy that's what is the most regrettable, it would have been so beautifull.(maybe I'm to much lover, we can't do anything we want in life.

When i think about it i try to put some life goals or other things in my head but it's hard, I hope i'll be better with time.
 
Hi JCVD,

I assure you that being someone's first lover is not important. It is okay that your girlfriend has an ex-boyfriend. You did nothing wrong by showing up when you did, you didn't let your girlfriend down, you were not "six months late." I encourage you to stop beating yourself up about this and just focus on the present. You and your girlfriend can have a beautiful relationship right now. The past doesn't matter.

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree.

You came at the time you came. That's not "too early" or "too late" -- it's just the time you came into her life as a dating partner.

You seem to be wishing that you had shared your first time ever together. Like your first lover was her. And her first lover was you.

Sometimes it works out that way for people, and sometimes it does not. Make your peace with it.

Every time you and her share sex with each other can be "beautiful" -- it isn't like the "first time ever" is the only time that can be beautiful or the only time that "counts" or something.

You have to let go of that self-limiting belief -- especially if keeping it is causing you pain.

Galagirl
 
You seem to be wishing that you had shared your first time ever together. Like your first lover was her. And her first lover was you.

Galagirl

Thank you everybody for your reply,
Like you said, that's exactly what I wanted, to share my first time with her ( even if it's not the best time ), I think that's it's something that she will always remember and the fact that's not with me is hurting a lot ( she will always remember this guy ). Even if it's not a big deal it's hard to get over it because I know it's her.

Thank you.
 
I think that's it's something that she will always remember and the fact that's not with me is hurting a lot.

I'm writing to you from about 30 years into the future and I can assure you that her love feelings with you are what she will be remembering and cherishing way more than this over-romanticized notion of what a first time should be. We carry our loved ones with us the rest of our lives, not the "acts" that we did or did not do. This is the truth and what you can focus upon. Here's a free life lesson for you: Shine the light of your thoughts on what you love, not on regrets. That's a simple idea, but extremely powerful and will make all the difference between a bearable life and an extraordinary life.
 
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JCVD,

I think you are focusing on the fact that you were not her first, or not her "only" sex partner. This is not something you can change (She made that choice before she knew you would be dating, and when she had a totally different set of information available to her.) Would she have made a different choice if she had known you? Perhaps she would have. People can and do regret making choices. But, your obsession with thinking about it all the time will only hurt you and your relationship.

Perhaps you envy that she had another partner and you have not? Even if you dont wish to have another because you love and feel committed to her, sometimes people feel as though their partner has gotten "more" than they have, and this can feel unequal.

Perhaps you wish so deeply that you could have given her the experience of losing your virginity together? That is also something that many people place value on, and maybe is bothering you? Again, not something you can change or fix. It is what it is.

You can focus on the things that you CAN give her. Dating longer than 6 months. Committing to your relationship like he did not, staying with her, treating her well, etc. Think of all the things you will do together that will make that one first thing not so important. I think eventually you will begin to feel better about it. If you dont, then I agree seeing a counselor to explore what the reasons behind these feelings are about is a good idea.
 
Who cares who was her first? That doesn't matter!

AND WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH POLYAMORY?

Do you even realize you are posting on a board about polyamory? I think you need a forum for high school romance and losing virginity, not poly. This thread is off-topic and so I am moving it to Fireplace.
 
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