How scared are you..

SelinaKelly

New member
... that a partner, you very much love, that you either currently have or that you'll hypothetically have in the future, will suddenly decide that they would rather monogamy? Just in general.

From your experience, do you think this is a realistic fear or rather do you feel that people changing thier minds happens often?
 
From what I've seen and experienced, people don't often switch from wanting to be polyamorous to preferring to be monogamous. It just doesn't seem to happen often. Which I guess is a little strange considering people do often switch from preferring to be monogamous to at least being willing to live in a poly arrangement.

I'm not at all worried about my current partner "turning mono" on me. She's just too stable to make a sudden 180 like that.
 
In my experience, most people think they are monogamous because that is the "default" setting in our society. I, personally, don't know anyone who elected for poly and then changed their mind. Not saying that it doesn't happen, but most people seem to do a LOT of soul searching before they decide on the non-monogamy option...it takes a lot of fortitude to go against the grain.

JaneQ
 
I don't think it is useful to live in fear of hypothetical situations.

You might as well be focused on the possibility of nuclear war, or getting hit by a bus, and never leave the house if these kinds of worries are occupying your mind instead of what is happening in the here and now.
 
To me relationships are participatory.

I am not esp scared because whether poly or mono, there is always risk a partner might choose to stop participating and break up. Reasons could be many... They do not want to x any more, job transfer and they cannot or do not want LDR, illness, fell out of love, etc.

I am confident I can handle a break up so not esp fearful about how things might unfold. Bummer, but not the end of the world.

I can relax, enjoy it, and let it unfold however it will.

Galagirl
 
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I admit I do have that fear with S2. He hasn't sorted out whether he's mono or poly, and I worry that after he's recovered, so to speak, from his divorce, he'll decide that he wants to be someone's one-and-only again and to have her be his one-and-only.

I try not to think too much about it. He says he doesn't consider it likely; he's enjoying having his freedom and not being anyone's sole support in any way. He likes our arrangement because he's in love with me and likes having me around, but he doesn't have to financially support me, emotionally supporting me is shared with Hubby, and S2 gets to live alone, which is something he hasn't been able to do most of his life (he grew up with five siblings) and is finding that he prefers.

If, in the future, he does decide he wants another monogamous relationship, then that's what will happen... Our relationship will end and he'll find someone else. But our relationship could end at any time for any reasons, so I try to put all of that aside and just focus on the fact that *right now*, we have a really awesome thing going.
 
Notable story of a polyamorist who decided to become a monogamist: Wide Awake, by FullofLove1052. Compare some of the first posts in that blog with some of the last posts in that blog, just to get a taste of the contrast.

Although I would say it was by no means a decision that was made suddenly.
 
I admit I do have that fear with S2. He hasn't sorted out whether he's mono or poly, and I worry that after he's recovered, so to speak, from his divorce, he'll decide that he wants to be someone's one-and-only again and to have her be his one-and-only.

I try not to think too much about it. He says he doesn't consider it likely; he's enjoying having his freedom and not being anyone's sole support in any way. He likes our arrangement because he's in love with me and likes having me around, but he doesn't have to financially support me, emotionally supporting me is shared with Hubby, and S2 gets to live alone, which is something he hasn't been able to do most of his life (he grew up with five siblings) and is finding that he prefers.

If, in the future, he does decide he wants another monogamous relationship, then that's what will happen... Our relationship will end and he'll find someone else. But our relationship could end at any time for any reasons, so I try to put all of that aside and just focus on the fact that *right now*, we have a really awesome thing going.

I think this is the most likely scenario. Someone that probably didn't have a desire to be poly but fell for a person that was. Or someone that is doing it for their partners benefit...meaning their partner encouraged them to date and they end up finding someone that they want to be mono with in the course of that dating.
 
I can see that happening.
 
Worrying about things is a life long tendency of mine. I find I don't do it much about relationships. The worst that can happen is that the romantic relationship ends, the partner and I drift apart and are no longer even friends.

While that would suck big time, I know I can deal with that sort of worst case.

I don't feel like I own my romantic partner and if he were to decide he no longer wished to be with me or that he wanted to live in a way I wouldn't be ok with, I'd be able to deal with it.
 
... that a partner, you very much love, that you either currently have or that you'll hypothetically have in the future, will suddenly decide that they would rather monogamy? Just in general.

From your experience, do you think this is a realistic fear or rather do you feel that people changing thier minds happens often?
For me, the question is not that hypothetical! One of my partners is monogamous and for sure would prefer that I stayed with him only. It sort of goes without saying that if my husband should die tomorrow, I would not take on any additional partners than my boyfriend - my boyfriend regards my husband as ok "because he came first" and is really grateful that my husband allows him to date me but for sure, if my husband was out of the picture my boyfriend would want monogamy. And I would do that for him. He is already stretching his morals and mental abilities a lot and I am so grateful for how he is adjusting. I would not ask him to adjust to a new partner be it now or in the future.

With my husband, well, in the past we made the agreement that we could veto new partners but not anyone who was an established part of the family (let's say we had been dating more than 6 months). I have 2 primary partners, they can veto anything they want exept each other. As far as I am concerned, we are a family for life and while anybody can choose to withdraw from the relationship, the structure of our relationship is SET, there is nothing to go back on. If he suddenly should feel that he has to live monogamously, that is his ticket out but not his ticket to a monogamous life with me.
 
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I think this is the most likely scenario. Someone that probably didn't have a desire to be poly but fell for a person that was. Or someone that is doing it for their partners benefit...meaning their partner encouraged them to date and they end up finding someone that they want to be mono with in the course of that dating.

In my specific situation, neither of those is the case with S2. He did have a desire to be poly; he's found through experience that having more than one relationship isn't workable for him for a variety of reasons, primarily available time. I've encouraged him to date *if that's what he wants*. I've also encouraged him to be exclusive with me *if that's what he wants*. So he isn't doing anything for my benefit. He's making choices that work for him.

And actually, in thinking about it, I realized that Hubby is more likely than S2 to decide he doesn't want to be part of the poly thing anymore. Hubby has emphatically stated that he is monogamous, and he's said a couple of times that if he had *his* preference, our marriage would still be monogamous as well. He's going along with this because he understands that polyamory, for me, isn't only something I *do*, it's who I *am*. For now, he wants me to be myself even if it isn't what he would prefer. But that could change, and if it did, it would likely mean the end of our marriage. I lived monogamously until a year and a half ago, and consistently felt trapped and constrained. I wouldn't go back to that.
 
I've had it happen to me, but the worst part was he didn't say he wanted monogamy. He just slowly cut himself off from me to focus exclusively on his OSO. I was the one who finally said it was over after it dragged out for far to long, him insisting he loved me and wanted a relationship, but never making any time for me or doing anything with me. They have, to the best of my knowledge, remained monogamous since then.

One of the things i've learned to accept is that relationships end. Sometimes you grow apart, sometimes the whole thing blows up, sometimes someone dies. But sooner or later every relationship ends. Once I accepted that simple fact, having a partner decide to be monogamous wasn't scary. It's just another way a relationshpi might end, and I don't fear those endings. I just try to make them as healthy and non-traumatic as possible for all involved.
 
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