Asparagus, to me?
It is a con to a
"primary-secondary" model whether the "primaries" are 2 people like a couple or another grouping.
It is also the
polymath thing.
These people in the theoretical grouping have to agree on how they want to be together while practicing the open model they want to practice. Then each mini relationship inside the polyship has to be healthy for the whole thing to be healthy. If one layer is messed up, there's a ripple effect. How much that affects the others depends on how they arranged themselves in the system.
For instance, if A has issues in the
A <--> A
layer because they are not secure? Need more coping skills? Are fearful? (Or entitled or whatever it is... for this example I will use fearful)
Then could lead to couple privilege going on in the layer of
(A + B) <---> C
with A doing everything possible to avoid feeling yucky rather than allowing it to be, and sorting out within where this is coming from.
Maybe A has not come to accept the fact that even when it was just (A + B) alone that B owns their willingness to participate. And B could decide at any time to stop participating. So the risk has always been there. Rather than act out their fear at others, it could be better to work on their inner world and learn to self reassure/validate. Cultivate coping skills rather than cultivate fear.
If A is obsessed with this fear of losing B to C?
- Trying to make rules to control the outside world so the fear never comes up to be felt on the inside world?
- Trying to control other people so the fear can never touch them?
- More willing to lean away from it than lean into it and work through it?
- Acting out fearfulness stuff rather than experiencing and clearing it away?
- To the point where it ignores the health of all the other mini relationships? Tunnel vision?
- Acting like that (A+B) layer is the only relationship in the system that needs to be healthy, but not seeing this is not healthy but actually dysfunctional?
Then this collection of behaviors not being realistic or being healthy. There's a good chance there's going to be a ripple effect felt through the whole system.... and likely all the drama that comes with it. BIG drama.
Any place A appears in the layers of relationship in this system will have problems if A is
so fearful about losing B to C that it leaks all over the place with controlling behaviors, rules designed to protect the FEAR, etc.
SOLOS
Are they honest with their own selves? Do their self care? Deal with their emotions appropriately? Cultivate coping skills rather than fear avoidance?
- A <---> A
- B <---> B
- C<--->C
DUOS
Are they honest in their dealings with others?
- A <--->B
[*]A <---> C
- B <---> C
TRIOS
Respect other dyads need for time on their own and need to develop at their own pace?
- (A+B) <-->C
[*](A+C) <---> B
[*](B+C) <--> A
GROUP
Speak their truth? Willing to listen to others? Avoid triangulation?
That's 10 layers of relationship, with 7 potentially messed up if A is busy running away from fear and acting out in various ways. Give it enough time even the other layers will become strained. Agreeing to participate in a system like this is going to be a sucky thing for A (from stress and low energy -- it takes a lot to keep running away from fears. Resentful t B for "letting the drama go on and on" rather than owning it themselves and walking away), for B (from being tug-o-war suffering hinge), and for C (who can get resentful not of just A, but B for "letting the drama go on" rather than owning themselves and walking away.) It can become a stew pot of complicated feelings.
If it is not just A having issues, but B having other issues like "sloppy hinge" or C having issues with "people pleaser" you can see how this theoretical grouping could ratchet up even higher in intensity. If these people do not have solid personal boundaries and a willingness to speak their truth and change objectionable behaviors? It can turn into a
mess.
I think all partners in there could be considered so they can be healthy. I wouldn't put someone I was dating for 1 week on my will, but I would listen and consider their wants and needs for their present well being and thoughts for a shared future. (The will stuff can happen over time if it becomes serious. )
I think people could enter it being clear on what they say "yes" to.
I also think that people could enter this willing to say "no" much earlier on.
Enter it willing to end it too. Even if it means accepting it was a good potential but after some talk turns out not a runner.
Enter it willing to NOT accept things they do not want just to gain "access" being in polyship secretly hoping the things will go away by magic.
Enter it willing for everyone breaking up even down to everyone single. And talk about it ahead of time. "How do we want this to end if it has to?"
If you cannot talk about it while things are good? Sure don't want to be figuring it out when it is going to crap!
People who are SOOOOO fearful about (A+B) breaking up? Or even talking about it? They are not secure people. I don't think they make solid poly partners. They could sort that out within themselves first before agreeing to polydate. So they become more solid partners first.
Galagirl