Polyamory and STD's

brunsbane

New member
Hello, this is my first time posting.

This is NOT about whether or not STD's are more prevalent in the poly community, because from what I've read STD's are pretty much equal within both poly and mono communities. That being said...

I have herpes and am new to the poly lifestyle. I've had it for the past 8 years of my life. It is always hard to come out and tell people about it, although I am ALWAYS up front and honest about it before sex. It hasn't been a huge issue in the mono community. But now that I'm poly and I am looking to date other people with multiple partners, I am worried that it will not be as accepted because they won't want to limit their choices if they catch it, and they obviously have to worry about the health of others. I am wondering if anyone with experience in this type of situation would feel comfortable sharing their stories with me? It is not something I tell my friends, because they don't need to know. But I do need to talk to someone. Thanks in advance.
 
Much like the mono community-some people take issue with it and some don't.
I've had people who didn't give a rip and others who refused to have sex with anyone in our circle because I have herpes (none of my previous partners in poly have it).
 
Oh herpes.

From my experience, it's not a problem. I've never had a cold sore, but since the majority of people already have it and are asymptomatic, I don't put much stock into considering myself free of it. I also get really grumpy when people refer to it as an STD. Of course, yes, it can be transmitted through sexual contact, and so technically, yadda yadda. But it can also be transmitted from a goodnight kiss from your gran, or a whole host of other decidedly non-sexual ways and means. I don't think labelling it as an STD, with all the stigma that that has with it, is even remotely helpful. Chicken pox can also be transmitted by sexual contact. If I sneeze on you while we're having sex? Mumps. Measles. Rubella. Should I continue?

I'm digressing a bit, but anyway. As far as I know I don't have herpes. Nina and Jay are also asymptomatic, and so might not have herpes either. Scandi gets (oral) herpes outbreaks frequently though. He's super responsible with it; he always lets his lovers know at the first sign of it, and lets them decide if they want to expose themselves to the chance of catching it. Weighing up all the pros and cons, and considering there's a very high chance I already have it and just don't get any visible signs, I opt to just take precautions with him. It's pretty simple. No kissing, no going down on me (yup, genital herpes sounds a lot nastier), make sure hands are clean before sex (he'd do that anyway!), and he's trained himself pretty well to not fiddle with his face and touch the outbreak site. Of course, I'd rather not have it, but it's really not the end of the world if I do get it. Like I say, I feel there is a disproportionate amount of stigma attached to what is a very minor medical issue. If you are immune-compromised in some way, it can be more serious, but for the vast majority of healthy adults herpes is an inconvenience, nothing more.

I think in your position, all you can do is what Scandi does. Disclose that you have it, disclose when the virus is particularly active, treat it to make it go away as quickly as possible, and accept some restrictions on the activities you can do. If people are THAT freaked out by it that they don't want to date you, then I genuinely believe that you're better off without them. If they think that one fact about you dwarfs all your other qualities, then good riddance. Best not even be friends with them, since you might kiss them hello or goodbye one day, or shake their hand with your hand containing some viral shedding on it, and accidentally ruin their life.
 
My former bf started dating more people a year after we hooked up. He was also married to a woman, and had established a FWB relationship with my gf.

He dated several people in a row, and 3 of them had herpes 1, and one of those also had herpes 2.

Before he had oral or genital contact, 2 of the women, who claimed to have not had an outbreak in 10 years, each had one!

He had himself tested for herpes and so did I. (Doctors need to be pressured into ordering this test.) We both tested negative for HSV 1 and 2.

He then went on to have a full on relationship with one of the women, and her husband too. (The husband had never had an outbreak.)

By then, I had broken up with him for various reasons. But I guess he thought they were worth the risk. My gf and I weren't particularly happy about it all. Herpes isn't the end of the world, but at my age, having avoided it for 59 years, and having typical health problems in my middle age, I'd just rather not add HSV to the list.
 
Hmmm, this is good information. I've learned something today.

I guess I have herpes -- since I have occasional cold sores. On my mouth! That would suck to have it on my nads.
 
As someone who lived a poly lifestyle for over 40 years I will just say that I had to learn the hard way about protection. My sweet secretary who wore a crucifix around her neck gave me an STD which I promptly passed on to my wife. The STD was more of a nuisance and hard to get rid of than a health threat but it could have been just as easily. That and a few other bad experiences with women who tried to get pregnant by me, convinced my wife to bring her gf into our marriage and stay faithful within our Triad. That worked very well for us over many decades.
 
Without going into too much detail - lived with genital hsv1 for 10 years with only 2 breakouts right at the beginning. Was with the same person mono style until opening up with him 2 years ago. Start dating new man. Boom break out. I think it is definitely stress related. I'd been very stressed about how id have my first poly talk and sti talk. But the talk went well. He didn't care at all (i was actually surprised about his complete ignorance about safe sex in general so we had some work to do).

Anyway that relationship didn't last long.

Now im in a relationship with a married man so i had to disclose to him, he did his own research and discussed with his wife and we're all good and consensual and aware of the risks.

My primary partner has remained either HSV negative or just asymptomatic the whole time. Plus fully supportive of each time i stress myself over it and feeling bad about the social stigma and dating with it. He's really been wonderful.
 
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