Yellowlover
New member
My husband and I have been polyamorous for over a year. I have dated a couple people while my husband hasn’t dated anyone, at first he didn’t have an interest in pursuing anyone but has gradually warmed up.
There is a friend of his who we both met months ago. Initially I noticed him messaging her frequently and I asked him if he had feelings for her. He insisted he did not and that it was merely a professional relationship and friendship, but my gut felt the opposite. Skip to present, last week he went out with her for a friendly meet up and came home to tell me he had made out with her.
As this was the first connection he had made with anyone within our marriage I was shocked and hurt. Why didn’t he tell me he had feelings for her previously? Couldn’t he have told me this was a date instead of leading me to believe this was just friends hanging out?
The trauma of feeling miscommunicated to and betrayed triggered pain from being lied to in a similar fashion from a previous partner, as well as trauma from being cheated on multiple times. I spun into a very painful trauma state and had a panic attack, first one in a longgg time. A few days later I started talking to him seriously about taking a break from polyamory. The pain and fear I felt was too great, and now that the wound is open I am unsure if I can handle continuing this lifestyle, at least for a while.
To more seasoned poly people I ask, do you communicate (esp to a primary) before connecting with someone? I always have told my husband immediately if I liked someone, and every step of the way shared how close we got as it led to intimacy.
There is a friend of his who we both met months ago. Initially I noticed him messaging her frequently and I asked him if he had feelings for her. He insisted he did not and that it was merely a professional relationship and friendship, but my gut felt the opposite. Skip to present, last week he went out with her for a friendly meet up and came home to tell me he had made out with her.
As this was the first connection he had made with anyone within our marriage I was shocked and hurt. Why didn’t he tell me he had feelings for her previously? Couldn’t he have told me this was a date instead of leading me to believe this was just friends hanging out?
The trauma of feeling miscommunicated to and betrayed triggered pain from being lied to in a similar fashion from a previous partner, as well as trauma from being cheated on multiple times. I spun into a very painful trauma state and had a panic attack, first one in a longgg time. A few days later I started talking to him seriously about taking a break from polyamory. The pain and fear I felt was too great, and now that the wound is open I am unsure if I can handle continuing this lifestyle, at least for a while.
To more seasoned poly people I ask, do you communicate (esp to a primary) before connecting with someone? I always have told my husband immediately if I liked someone, and every step of the way shared how close we got as it led to intimacy.