First time worlds collide

wemeandhe

New member
Married for 9 years and the arrangement from the beginning was that we could always have relationships with others but we had to be honest and open up front and tell the other if that occurred(like an ooops attraction on a business trip) or if we wanted it to occur.(a true relationship with another).

In all the years of the marriage neither of us took advantage of our agreement, until now. It was the natural and logical time for doing so from our perspective because the marriage relationship was stale and as for me I was really suffocating and atrophying inside. He is a very "all about me" guy and his self-absorbtion was leading to him being negative and distant toward me. The sex life was on life support and rarely something I even cared about persuing with him. It was time for a radical change.

I moved across the country to oversee an investment property that we purchased and I announced that I would be actively looking for a boyfriend and he was of course, free to seek the same from a female. He and I would meet up once or twice a month and see how this change affected our relationship.

4 months later, I have been dating a man 8 years my junior for one blissful month and husband is yet to find a female companion he deems suitable. We have dealt with his over-zealous desire to know intimate details of our sexcapades and I have had to talk him through how that makes me feel like a prop for his sexual fantasies and how that cheapens the real relationship that I am developing. A happy medium has been achieved in the "tell me what you did last night" department and I choose to ignore any requests to know that i find uncomfortable or inappropriate. He gets the message and checks himself.

So...the time has come for him to visit and I want him to meet my boyfriend. My boyfriend is okay with this...he has been in one prior poly relationship with two females and neither of them had other attachments at the time and so he has some insight into this life, but not with this arrangement specifically.

My husband is super kinky and has in his head that me having a boyfriend is going to lead to the three of us in a king sized bed having fun romps. I have explained this expectation is unrealistic and very unlikely at this point since that is not my intention in the new relationship. When he finds a girlfriend I do not expect or care if I am or am not in their mix. Husband has stated that he understands my relationship is not intended for his sexual benefit either, but if it goes that way it would just be a bonus.

I want him to meet my boyfriend so that anything he has conjured in his head can be demystified or confirmed. Also it is important that they meet so that future travel plans can more likely include the three of us traveling together...or the 4 of us, if and when he finds a suitable girlfriend.

I guess I am looking for input on a first meeting of this nature. I am thinking that dinner out in a cool part of town with a sexy vibe and fun atmosphere is the best route. I don't know if there is a protocol of affection toward the two of them at this first meeting or if I am to simple do what feels right in the moment?

I am perfectly suited emotionally and mentally for polyamory and feel very comfortable and at ease with the overall of it all, but I am very sensitive to the fact that these two men are in their own way suited too, but have the potential for more issues of jealousy, ego being harmed and feeling in general "weird" about it than myself.

If there are pitfalls I can't see that I need to avoid, someone please point them out. If there are suggestions on how to make this meeting of the two the best possible of situations I would like to hear these suggestions as well.

If they hit it off and an easy comfort level is achieved I would love for husband to say, hey...why don't you come home with us for a night cap...but I know that is my ideal and I have no expectations of it going that well out of the gate. so anything a more seasoned poly-person can offer me is appreciated.

I care deeply for them both as well as myself, and I am looking for the win win win scenario.
thanks
 
Hi wemeandhe,

I don't think there is a magic formula for making "the meeting of the metamours" go well; nothing in life is guaranteed. On the other hand, such meetings tend to go well in most cases and you don't need to get an ulcer worrying about it. You mentioned dinner out in a cool part of town with a sexy vibe and fun atmosphere. That sounds fine to me.

I am rather conservative for being a polyamorist, but I tend to think small steps are good, and rushing into things is usually overkill. I mean if the guys get to talking and it sounds like they want to try a threesome, sure, you could roll that way; but I certainly wouldn't try to make that happen; I would actually aim for a pleasant but formal dinner and leave it at that.

I should add that I've heard a lot of people's stories over the years, and I've heard a lot of stories about threesomes that did not end well. Not saying they led to a breakup, but someone (at least one person) ended up feeling neglected and disappointed. This is another reason I raise a caution sign with respect to the guys and you having a threesome when they've just met. It would probably be too soon. You should all get to know each other better. Approach the bedroom one little step at a time. Get a feel for each other's emotional needs.

Now that doesn't rule out a threesome so early in the game. It is merely a caution sign. But don't feel like you've passed up some paramount opportunity if all you end up with is a pleasant but formal dinner. That's perfectly good for two guys just meeting each other for the first time. I'm presuming it won't be the last time they meet, of course.

Anyway that's kind of how I see it.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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